SaintL Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Hi All,[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Sorry that this is my first post, and so long, but am not for longwelcomes/goodbyes.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I am in situation I have not been before and need advice.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]As I am an hotelier it is hard for me to find time to meet women, so all ofyou lucky ones can enjoy good time. I am also a direct person that knows what Iwant, whom I like and so on. That makes it harder for me as I will notcompromise on things important to me be it family, things that define me orpeople I care about. On top of that I am somewhat shy person at first.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Likewise person I am looking for would have to be similar and I willunderstand.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]The women confusing me is someone I work with. At first when I meet her Iwas thinking another dumb person that plays people. Then during a team party itall changed after we had a long chat. I was stunned in how wrong I was. 180degree turn just does not cover it.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Since then we had few chats which got me even more in to her. I also becameher direct manager, however company rules are not interfering at all and I cankeep work separate so on my side we good there.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I went against my shy nature and told her that I was wrong with my first impressionsof her and that I do like her. We been getting along well, she even on her owntold me few things about herself. I asked her to go out and on that day she wasclearly weigh-in options as she spoke to me if we can keep it separate fromwork, what if they find out, what if we have an argument and then have to worktogether (or even split what then) she was even laughing what if she cannotcontrol herself Since then we meet 2 times outside work. First meet we hadfew hours of just sitting and chatting. She told me few things about her, herpast and how hard it was, she properly opened up but I have this effect onpeople plus she is chatty. She said she is technically still married but notbeen with husband as couple for some time now. However at work if anyone asksshe is married and that is what she tells anyone interested. As they have achild he lives in the same house (not same room and all that). Financialreasons as to why but he is moving out in next few months. We had few longerchats since then and recently went out again, again great time was head theleast by me. The fact she still talks to me suggests it was ok for her as well.We talked about movies, then why she split from husband that her child willalways come first. She then admitted that things she told me about herself shewas testing if I will not call her back. That she tried dating before but allended quickly. She said she is not interested in dating now as she has no time(school, work, child, husband issues). Few days she has off she wants to restand recover not go out and date. She wants to sort things out and also does notwant to have random people coming to meet her child to later go missing or bereplaced by someone else, she is looking for commitment only.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I like her as she clearly can take care of herself. She does not needsomeone to be able to live but rather chooses people to be around her. She madethat one very clear when she said she likes to spend time alone at home torecover or just stay in and watch a movie with someone (not possible for nowwhich makes entire situation harder as inviting her to my place might be toomuch right now). Then there is so much more, similar character, few things wehave in common in how to spend time together. She said she likes man to be abit jealous and she sees I am a bit like that which I did not deny.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]What gets me confused is on one side she says she does not want to dateanyone, on the other she is openly discussing what if, that she bombarded mewith some info to see if I will stick by or run at speed of light. Or hints likewhat man she likes and if she thinks I am in that bracket or not.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]She discussed child situation and husband situation which would not happenif someone was not even thinking about it right?[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I meet in my life 3 people that I felt such strong connection to. One wedated but it did not work out (2y in to it we decided to be friends and yearslater still are), second one I let it slip through my fingers and I am notabout to do this again as women like that are few and in-between.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I honestly need help here. Due to her character I think if I were to stop initiatingshe would not start initiating meets. She stood few of her girlfriends out togo out with me but am thinking if I did not ask she would not go with themanyhow, stay at home recover thing.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]If I give her time she will slip away, if I push too hard I might scare herdue to her past and character. I am starting to get this feeling it is driftingin to friend zone and I cannot do that as it will be me in the limbo due tocloseness to her and it will kill me.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]At this stage I run out of ideas, I am drifting in between inviting her togo out for a spa weekend as last ditch resort, speaking to her and askingopenly is there a chance explaining that I need to know so I do not commit toomuch or finally just walking away.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]
Author SaintL Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 For christ sake fix your text. Trying, it just told me I can not as someone posted New text below.
Author SaintL Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 Hi All, Sorry that this is my first post, and so long, but am not for long welcomes/goodbyes. I am in situation I have not been before and need advice. As I am an hotelier it is hard for me to find time to meet women, so all of you lucky ones can enjoy good time. I am also a direct person that knows what I want, whom I like and so on. That makes it harder for me as I will not compromise on things important to me be it family, things that define me orpeople I care about. On top of that I am somewhat shy person at first. Likewise person I am looking for would have to be similar and I will understand. The women confusing me is someone I work with. At first when I meet her I was thinking another dumb person that plays people. Then during a team party it all changed after we had a long chat. I was stunned in how wrong I was. 180 degree turn just does not cover it. Since then we had few chats which got me even more in to her. I also became her direct manager, however company rules are not interfering at all and I can keep work separate so on my side we good there. I went against my shy nature and told her that I was wrong with my first impressions of her and that I do like her. We been getting along well, she even on her own told me few things about herself. I asked her to go out and on that day she was clearly weigh-in options as she spoke to me if we can keep it separate from work, what if they find out, what if we have an argument and then have to work together (or even split what then) she was even laughing what if she cannot control herself Since then we meet 2 times outside work. First meet we had few hours of just sitting and chatting. She told me few things about her, her past and how hard it was, she properly opened up but I have this effect on people plus she is chatty. She said she is technically still married but notbeen with husband as couple for some time now. However at work if anyone asks she is married and that is what she tells anyone interested. As they have a child he lives in the same house (not same room and all that). Financial reasons as to why but he is moving out in next few months. We had few longer chats since then and recently went out again, again great time was head the least by me. The fact she still talks to me suggests it was ok for her as well. We talked about movies, then why she split from husband that her child will always come first. She then admitted that things she told me about herself she was testing if I will not call her back. That she tried dating before but all ended quickly. She said she is not interested in dating now as she has no time (school, work, child, husband issues). Few days she has off she wants to rest and recover not go out and date. She wants to sort things out and also does not want to have random people coming to meet her child to later go missing or be replaced by someone else, she is looking for commitment only. I like her as she clearly can take care of herself. She does not need someone to be able to live but rather chooses people to be around her. She made that one very clear when she said she likes to spend time alone at home to recover or just stay in and watch a movie with someone (not possible for now which makes entire situation harder as inviting her to my place might be too much right now). Then there is so much more, similar character, few things we have in common in how to spend time together. She said she likes man to be a bit jealous and she sees I am a bit like that which I did not deny. What gets me confused is on one side she says she does not want to date anyone, on the other she is openly discussing what if, that she bombarded me with some info to see if I will stick by or run at speed of light. Or hints like what man she likes and if she thinks I am in that bracket or not. She discussed child situation and husband situation which would not happen if someone was not even thinking about it right? I meet in my life 3 people that I felt such strong connection to. One we dated but it did not work out (2y in to it we decided to be friends and years later still are), second one I let it slip through my fingers and I am not about to do this again as women like that are few and in-between. I honestly need help here. Due to her character I think if I were to stop initiating she would not start initiating meets. She stood few of her girlfriends out togo out with me but am thinking if I did not ask she would not go with them anyhow, stay at home recover thing. If I give her time she will slip away, if I push too hard I might scare her due to her past and character. I am starting to get this feeling it is drifting in to friend zone and I cannot do that as it will be me in the limbo due to closeness to her and it will kill me. At this stage I run out of ideas, I am drifting in between inviting her to go out for a spa weekend as last ditch attempt, speaking to her and asking openly is there a chance explaining that I need to know so I do not commit too much or finally just walking away. Thx, Lukas
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Do not EVER, EVER become involved with anyone who still has a Significant Other, whatever the state of their marriage may be, whatever you have been told. There is also a child involved, and this woman works for you. Jeezuskerrist-alive, three damn, huge, big flapping red flags right there. Walk away, keep it professional and seriously - do not even think about it. I mean, really - seriously.
dasein Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 1. The woman in question is unavailable. Move onto other options for the time being and maybe she will become available one day. Not now though, you are opening youself up for wasted time and hurt feelings. 2. Try to avoid lengthy cerebral chats and the resulting noise. Approach women in a light, flirty way of having fun, not evaluating her against some preconceived notion you have about women generally. This also builds more attraction in them than the soulful, cerebral, heavy approach. Judge early interactions with women almost strictly on a) is she enthusiastically interested in spending time alone with you on dates? b) is she responsive to your physical advances? All else is noise, discount it in favor of a) and b). 3. I don't understand how a hotelier would not meet women? Are you chained to the desk? If so, then is there family or employees who can help so you can go have a normal social life? Where did you meet this woman? sounds like a good place to meet people of quality and would continue prospecting there. Good luck.
FitChick Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 If she were single with no kids it would still be tricky dating a coworker. With all the drama in her life, it's a nonstarter. Tell her that upon further reflection you've decided the timing is wrong for dating. Maybe after her divorce. Then avoid her at all costs and keep all contact strictly professional.
Author SaintL Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 1. The woman in question is unavailable. Move onto other options for the time being and maybe she will become available one day. Not now though, you are opening youself up for wasted time and hurt feelings. 2. Try to avoid lengthy cerebral chats and the resulting noise. Approach women in a light, flirty way of having fun, not evaluating her against some preconceived notion you have about women generally. This also builds more attraction in them than the soulful, cerebral, heavy approach. Judge early interactions with women almost strictly on a) is she enthusiastically interested in spending time alone with you on dates? b) is she responsive to your physical advances? All else is noise, discount it in favor of a) and b). 3. I don't understand how a hotelier would not meet women? Are you chained to the desk? If so, then is there family or employees who can help so you can go have a normal social life? Where did you meet this woman? sounds like a good place to meet people of quality and would continue prospecting there. Good luck. It's the hours and fact it is shift based. You might not have a day off in a week and get few days off mid-week when the other part is working. I have not found it hard to meet women as hotelier but it is a challenge to organise a free time together. Most work is on weekends when most other people are off. Hence if I get the opportunity I do try to grab it. I meet this woman at work, at the time working in another department. We now work together and spend loads of time together talking job and private. Some of that time was kind off like a mini date at work and that is how it all started in first place. I do have this feeling, like you said, she is not available to date hence it all is moving to friends zone. What is getting me confused is she says things that in any other situation would suggest or mean no. Then in the same conversation flips it upside down with clear signals of being interested. I am currently not interested in dating followed by I am not looking for a fling but rather long term commitment. Or I like man to be a bit jealous and I feel you are like that. Cheese I am not that good in dating game but this one has me all confused.
Author SaintL Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 @ Fitchick and TaraMaiden. I get your points about dating co-workers and for years had the same point of you as you both. However since few of my best friends got happily married and it all started by dating co-workers I have somewhat changed my mind from not at all to no casual things only. I just never got why dating co-worker is a problem, sure more complicated but at the same time makes certain things easier in my line of work. Finding time off is prime example. Maybe should go back to old rule.
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Dating co-workers becomes extremely awkward when the couple break up, particularly if the relationship was intense, and also if anyone else at work knew about it. The atmosphere can become strained because try as they might, separating the 'personal' from the 'professional' is extremely hard to carry off. Coupled with the fact that in all honesty, this woman is distinctly off-limits, this makes it a no-brainer. TbH, I really don't think there's any need for you to be confused. Cut this one off at the knees.
Author SaintL Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 All of you make sense. Still do not fully agree with dating the co-worker or rather not doing it. However taking all other in that is involved it seems a good idea to just step away. Funny that so far all replies were kind off unanimous.
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Why does it seem funny that they're unanimous? I would think it stranger (in your shoes) that the two main posts both come from women - and that we're unanimous....
Cutiepie1976 Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Surely you can't be serious about pursuing this? Fact: She's not just any coworker. You are her MANAGER! Fact: She is married and tells everyone else she is married. By her own admission, only you have been told that she is separated...but still living with her husband...of course not sleeping together. I understand that you don't meet many women. So you're eager to strike while the iron is hot and try to make this work. But please take a good look at the big picture. Even though you are now thoroughly charmed by her following your chats and a date, please go back and think about what caused you to have your original impression that she "plays people." When this goes south, and it eventually will since she's married and living with her husband and you are her boss, there is a good chance you might find yourself trying to shovel out from under a pile of ****. This is like watching a train wreck about to happen. Walk away and please focus instead on managing her and your other reports in a professional manner. Use common sense. 2
Cutiepie1976 Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Sorted? Meaning what? That you fired her and she dumped her husband? Don't leave us hanging like that. 1
Author SaintL Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 No was in a dog mood as tired. Anyhu first off all told her that if she is interested let me know when husband situation is resolved. Till then I am not interested (I cannot lie but made it clear). Work wise there was never an issue contract wise and as it did not go to far or private level no issues as well. Moving on and so on. Reaction was well calm on both sides, in short oh alright maybe I will and done.
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