lissa90 Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I've only recently started to post here but have been lurking for a about 2/3 weeks. Me and my boyfriend had to split - not because there was infidelity or incompatibility or anything along those lines, but more because his severe childhood problems meant they would always mess our relationship up. Break up is very much like grief and I have gone through all those stages and finally have reached acceptance. What works for us is to be a constant feature in each others life. A lot of people would say that is a bad option to take, but if you are on the same page as each other, then why not? I am not trying to win him back as my boyfriend, I have accepted that he needs a friend more than a girlfriend. It could be said that I am kidding myself or he is using me as a crutch but ultimately only I can be sure of what both - mine and his - motives are. And they are innocent. Everyones situation is different. And remaining in contact - especially close and consistent contact can only work if you are on the same page. If you are still harbouring hope that communication will get you back together, then you will get hurt. No contact is the way forward if you are still looking at the past whilst your ex has moved onto the future. In my situation, he is my friend, my confidant and my support and I am his. I've lost that desire to make him be with me romantically as I can see we both have things we must work on. Anywho, I hope what I have said makes a tiny bit of sense and helps someone else who is in a situation like mine. 2
CompleteFailure Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 What works for us is to be a constant feature in each others life. A lot of people would say that is a bad option to take, but if you are on the same page as each other, then why not? I am not trying to win him back as my boyfriend, I have accepted that he needs a friend more than a girlfriend. It could be said that I am kidding myself or he is using me as a crutch but ultimately only I can be sure of what both - mine and his - motives are. And they are innocent. Everyones situation is different. And remaining in contact - especially close and consistent contact can only work if you are on the same page. If you are still harbouring hope that communication will get you back together, then you will get hurt. No contact is the way forward if you are still looking at the past whilst your ex has moved onto the future. In my situation, he is my friend, my confidant and my support and I am his. I've lost that desire to make him be with me romantically as I can see we both have things we must work on. Anywho, I hope what I have said makes a tiny bit of sense and helps someone else who is in a situation like mine. If I may ask, how did you stop harboring hope for the romantic involvement? Were you the dumper or dumpee? I would like to remain friends with my ex as we get along great when there is no pressure for something more, but my heart tugs in all ways once the closeness resurfaces.
Author lissa90 Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 I was the dumpee. The only way to stop harbouring hope depends on both your situations. You have to get to that point where you want their friendship more than you want to be in a relationship with them. And that you aren't over analysing what they are saying and seeing it as them coming back to you in a romantic sense. It sounds like you have not reached that stage in accepting it is over. Remaining close can only happen if you truly feel like you aren't expecting them to say "I love you, let's get back together". If you can laugh and joke without thinking of it in a relationship way, then you are there. Its not an easy thing to do, which is why you MUST NOT continue contact if you feel it may jeopardise you emotionally. It is very important you and your ex are on exactly the same page where one is not secretly hoping for more. I have only come to that stage through crying, denial, begging, crying, crying and then finally accepting it is over. 2
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