Calcmag Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I had to break up with someone I love very much. Break ups can be extremely painful for the dumper too. I'm not involved with anyone else, nor is he. We just cant seem to make our relationship work We've tried to do this before and got back together a few times, but it just doesn't work. My exBF told me that he loved me but also specifically asked me for NC during our break up conversation. I care about him enough to honor his request although I will admit I have struggled several times already to stop myself from sending an email. Reading the posts here has helped me to stay strong because I see it will just cause more hurt to my ex. When we've broken up previously, he has usually been the one to break NC and we got back together. If he makes contact with me down the line this time, my question is this. As the dumpee, if you break NC, what response if any do you want from the dumper? I have been reading posts and I see that if the dumper expresses regret or still having feelings, it seems to hurt the dumpee even more, so what's the best way for the dumper to approach this? I'm wondering if it's best to just ignore any attempts at contact? Or will that hurt more?
thefooloftheyear Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 How long do you break up for before you get back together? TFOY
Author Calcmag Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 (edited) This time we were apart for more than a year before we got back together. Looking back, each time it's been at least 2 months or so between the break up and the reconciliation. It's like we have some unhealthy addiction to one another and I'm really hoping that this time we can both stay strong and stay apart, because I can't put myself, or my ex, through this pain again one more time. Edited March 31, 2013 by Calcmag
Thunderchild Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 This time we were apart for more than a year before we got back together. Looking back, each time it's been at least 2 months or so between the break up and the reconciliation. It's like we have some unhealthy addicition to one another and I'm really hoping that this time we can both stay strong and stay apart, because I can't put myself, or my ex, through this pain again one more time. The best policy is usually honesty. If you wanna be with him say so, if not tell him. All this pissy, immature "Guess-what-I'm-thinking" mind games really gets on my wick!! 2
TheWeeknd Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 What were the reasons for the breakups in the first place? If they were incompatibility issues or other issues that are not fixable, then I would suggest that you let the dumpee know if he contacts you that you respect him and that you believe it is best if the both of you move on and maybe be friends one day when both of you guys are ready. If the reasons for the breakup are fixable, why not try and fix it through giving each other time alone to sort out each other's own personal problems out. Or even better, go through some sort of couple's therapy to get everything sorted out.
CompleteFailure Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 my question is this. As the dumpee, if you break NC, what response if any do you want from the dumper? I have been reading posts and I see that if the dumper expresses regret or still having feelings, it seems to hurt the dumpee even more, so what's the best way for the dumper to approach this? I'm wondering if it's best to just ignore any attempts at contact? Or will that hurt more? Personally, when I've been the one to break NC in the past I've always felt humiliated regardless of the outcome. I'm not sure anything will make the dumpee feel better, unless the both of you want to give it another go. I'm not sure how I would feel if I got no response. Probably excited, expecting, humiliated, anxious, and angry. If you're serious about staying detached and you do end up communicating. Do not express regret or mention things about feelings. That would make me feel good, but also extremely hurt when I realize the conversation is not going where I intended. Do say that things were once good but things were also bad, and that you've both proven time over that it just doesn't work.
Author Calcmag Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 What were the reasons for the breakups in the first place? If they were incompatibility issues or other issues that are not fixable, then I would suggest that you let the dumpee know if he contacts you that you respect him and that you believe it is best if the both of you move on and maybe be friends one day when both of you guys are ready. If the reasons for the breakup are fixable, why not try and fix it through giving each other time alone to sort out each other's own personal problems out. Or even better, go through some sort of couple's therapy to get everything sorted out. This is helpful thank you. His past form for breaking up with me, then getting back in contact has me concerned that he may break NC again this time. Or perhaps this time he realises it has to be over. Anyway, I'll keep in mind your suggestion. Thank you.
Author Calcmag Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 Personally, when I've been the one to break NC in the past I've always felt humiliated regardless of the outcome. I'm not sure anything will make the dumpee feel better, unless the both of you want to give it another go. I'm not sure how I would feel if I got no response. Probably excited, expecting, humiliated, anxious, and angry. If you're serious about staying detached and you do end up communicating. Do not express regret or mention things about feelings. That would make me feel good, but also extremely hurt when I realize the conversation is not going where I intended. Do say that things were once good but things were also bad, and that you've both proven time over that it just doesn't work. Thanks Complete. I'm thinking that if he does break NC it will be on impulse and he'll regret it as soon as he's hit the 'send' button on his email or text, you know? Thats why I'm not sure how to respond but your advice about not mentioning regret and/or feelings is very helpful. I'm pretty sure that he will break NC, he's done it every other time. Or maybe this time he knows that I'm resolute and it is over, and that will stop him from breaking it.
Author Calcmag Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 Any advice please? He called today, showed a missed call, didn't leave voicemail. Bearing in mind that he did ask me for NC, is the best thing to just not do anything?
Kamille Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 If he tried to call, I would return the call. The tailspin a dumpee goes into after an attempt at contact is misery. Often, the dumper returning the call momentarily alleviates the pain. But, make sure you stick to the script TheWeeknd suggested. Be honest but respectful. You sound like you are doing relatively well. More importantly, you are resolute in your decision that this is for the best. One of my friend (dumpee) has an ex (dumper) who always tells her he misses her (too) and that he finds/found the break up difficult as well. This always gives her hope and makes her keep in contact with him even more. They've been apart for over a year now, and she's nowhere near over him. Please avoid doing this to your ex - and avoid doing it to yourself. 1
ThatJustHappened Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 If he tried to call, I would return the call. The tailspin a dumpee goes into after an attempt at contact is misery. Often, the dumper returning the call momentarily alleviates the pain. But, make sure you stick to the script TheWeeknd suggested. Be honest but respectful. You sound like you are doing relatively well. More importantly, you are resolute in your decision that this is for the best. One of my friend (dumpee) has an ex (dumper) who always tells her he misses her (too) and that he finds/found the break up difficult as well. This always gives her hope and makes her keep in contact with him even more. They've been apart for over a year now, and she's nowhere near over him. Please avoid doing this to your ex - and avoid doing it to yourself. I completely agree with this. A dumpee should stay NC..a dumper should be more sympathetic and at least return contact..at least at first. If he continues to contact after you've told him not to, then you can go full NC.
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