Ponder this scenario.....

[thefooloftheyear]

We had a big Powerball(lottery) winner around here this week. Happened in the state I live in. Winner awarded 340 million dollars.

 

Anyway. For those in affairs or were. How do you think your scenario would have played out if one of you in the affair was lucky enough to be a lottery winner?

 

My bet is that the AP would be the first on the call list and that the chances of "riding off into the sunset" with the affair partner would be very great.

 

Kinda sad in a way...Just another reminder that this life can be ruled by something as simple as money.

 

Thoughts??

 

TFOY

[Sarabi]

I have thought about that actually You have an option of going public or keeping your winning status anonymous here when you win the lottery.

I would definitely want to remain anonymous

If it was sufficient enough and I felt I wanted to give them anything, I would want it to be an anonymous cheque sent to them (possibly address it to her...) to do whatever they wish to as a family...(yes, call me crazy to even consider doing anything to him after all the things he said to me but well...). Emigrate, set up a business abroad etc. all the things they are dreaming of.

 

If we were still in the situation and I won...I think I would still want it to be anonymous. So I would just send it through the post again...and hopefully I would be able to keep quiet.

 

Riding off into the sunset...meh. I will be the one doing that on my own all expenses paid for trip somewhere like Egypt or somewhere in North Africa, across the Sahara on my own camel

[MissBee]

In my former A, I don't think him winning millions or me, would have made a difference in terms of riding off into the sunset lol .

 

Money was not the obstacle in our situation. He wasn't even married, so he had no divorce and so on to contend with. Winning millions would make it so that we could see each other with more ease and frequency and do more expensive things, but I don't think it would be some magical key to riding off into the sunset.

 

Wealthy people have As and don't leave as well, to protect the money they do have. In fact, if you aren't wealthy, there is less danger for you to "lose so much." I'm sure maybe in some cases, all that is holding APs back is not having enough money or being worried about money, but it doesn't seem like this is an overwhelming reason. Money changes things...shoot...maybe some would win millions and decide eff it all, eff the AP, eff the BS, and they are gonna forge a new life. Or the money could make them less burdened in their M life, and they now feel a desire to rekindle with the BS while jetsetting. Winning such a large sum of money changes LOTS of things and comes with lots of emotions and depending on the people, will result in either positive or sometimes negative things, or no change. But I don't think that someone in an A winning millions automatically equates to them now riding off into the sunset with their AP lol.

[thefooloftheyear]

In my former A, I don't think him winning millions or me, would have made a difference in terms of riding off into the sunset lol .

 

Money was not the obstacle in our situation. He wasn't even married, so he had no divorce and so on to contend with. Winning millions would make it so that we could see each other with more ease and frequency and do more expensive things, but I don't think it would be some magical key to riding off into the sunset.

 

Wealthy people have As and don't leave as well, to protect the money they do have. In fact, if you aren't wealthy, there is less danger for you to "lose so much." I'm sure maybe in some cases, all that is holding APs back is not having enough money or being worried about money, but it doesn't seem like this is an overwhelming reason. Money changes things...shoot...maybe some would win millions and decide eff it all, eff the AP, eff the BS, and they are gonna forge a new life. Or the money could make them less burdened in their M life, and they now feel a desire to rekindle with the BS while jetsetting. Winning such a large sum of money changes LOTS of things and comes with lots of emotions and depending on the people, will result in either positive or sometimes negative things, or no change. But I don't think that someone in an A winning millions automatically equates to them now riding off into the sunset with their AP lol.

 

Good point.....

 

I guess, other than the news of the recent lottery winner. I got to thinking of this because of a scenario that happened to a business asssociate of mine. hadnt seen him in some time and was hoping he was OK. I dropped him a line and he stopped by for a visit.

 

This guy is VERY wealthy. He buys Ferrari's like people buy shoes. Anyway, he told me he met a woman and started having an affair. Once he saw that they were getting close, he just ended his marriage, bought another house and set up shop with the OW. When I talked to him about it, he was very matter of fact. He said, "I just gave her the house, the cars and a pile of cash. Then I called my attorney and instructed him to be fair but make the best deal possible and thats that." No drama (from him nyway). I did see his ex wife and she wasnt happy.

 

Point being, many affairs simply die when the MM/MW realize that there would be almost NO possible way to pul it off without financial ruin. So they stay, not for the love but because of the finances/kids.

 

 

TFOY

[anne1707]

Well personally as a fWS, the first person to call would be my wife. I don't think that all of affairs revolve around money and if it wasn't an issue then the ws would go on to their ap. its just a mixed bag. i love my wife too much, despite the f*up i was to cheat and would want to share my winnings and life with her and not my xap. some may be different, maybe you are, but this is just me.

 

It would have been exactly the same for me John. If I had good news, it was always my husband I wanted to share it with.

[egalew]

This is true. I know of two situations of men well off -- one very wealthy -- who when they left their wife, walked out with very little. In fact, my girlfriend who was married to a big finance guy, told me just last week she finally threw out his stuff. He, too, walked with a suitcase, and left pretty much everything else behind. In the three years he left, he never went back for things.

 

On the flip side, my ex-MM, was packing his junk -- and I do mean junk -- for weeks.

[thefooloftheyear]

Well personally as a fWS, the first person to call would be my wife. I don't think that all of affairs revolve around money and if it wasn't an issue then the ws would go on to their ap. its just a mixed bag. i love my wife too much, despite the f*up i was to cheat and would want to share my winnings and life with her and not my xap. some may be different, maybe you are, but this is just me.

 

I was merely bringing up the point as it seems as though many affairs end with the MM/MW going back to the BS. And many did so not because they wanted to but due to finances...

 

I agree, it is a "mixed bag", for sure.

 

TFOY

[beenburned]

LFH,

 

I don't know what the laws are in your country. But here in the US most all states are no fault divorces with all assets/money being divided 50/50.

 

Your example of MM giving his wife his entire paycheck is not realistic unless you were willing to support him in order to get him to leave his wife.

[Got it]

Good point.....

 

I guess, other than the news of the recent lottery winner. I got to thinking of this because of a scenario that happened to a business asssociate of mine. hadnt seen him in some time and was hoping he was OK. I dropped him a line and he stopped by for a visit.

 

This guy is VERY wealthy. He buys Ferrari's like people buy shoes. Anyway, he told me he met a woman and started having an affair. Once he saw that they were getting close, he just ended his marriage, bought another house and set up shop with the OW. When I talked to him about it, he was very matter of fact. He said, "I just gave her the house, the cars and a pile of cash. Then I called my attorney and instructed him to be fair but make the best deal possible and thats that." No drama (from him nyway). I did see his ex wife and she wasnt happy.

 

Point being, many affairs simply die when the MM/MW realize that there would be almost NO possible way to pul it off without financial ruin. So they stay, not for the love but because of the finances/kids.

 

 

TFOY

 

Yes, divorces are easier the more money you have. This is true. So for some, yes I think they would be able to divorce at that time.

 

Logistically you have to look at who has won the money, as if it is the MP then their spouse is owed 50% of the earnings. If it is the AP then obviously their marital status will factor in on their end (depending on M or S).

 

DMM has talked about that, he plays the lottery and has a long as I known him. My family grew up with it being understood it is a tax on the poor and just a poor use of monies.

 

For dMM, he did a similar divorce though he took on all the debt and pays top alimony and child support past 18 to try and be fair to his ex wife. But yes at that point he just wanted it done and moved on.

[Act Two]

 

From a man's perspective its actually cheaper to pay child support than to support children in an intact M. When he was M to first W, my H gave her his whole check and she spent it all. When they D he gave her about 40% of each check, had money to pay his living expenses and still had some left over to save.

 

The cant leave due to money just doesnt add up to me.

 

Blondie

 

That makes sense in the scenario you presented only, but assumes for households where only the man works and the wife spends all of his money.

 

As I posted in the other thread, it's simple math. Take one pool of money and now split it to cover two sets of bills where you previously had one. Sure, many do it but it's not easy especially in a hard economy.

 

The divorce rate goes down in times of a troubled economy. Money does often factor into a marriage and a decision to stay.

[Act Two]

When a MM is risking the very same thing he says he cannot do for xyz reasons, it cannot be anything other than an excuse.

 

If his W discovers and divorces him he will find out from a court exactly what is possible when it comes to money.

 

Blondie

 

I think cheating is a largely irrational act, or at least for the category of cheaters who aren't sociopaths. All consequences are not properly thought out and through when the decision to cheat begins.

[Yellowteacup]

:laugh:I have thought about this and the answer would be "NO". I would not ride into the sunset with my AP.

[jlola]

All consequences are not properly thought out and through when the decision to cheat begins.

 

And yet, they are able to very carefully calculate the financial costs of leaving before they tell OW they cant leave due to financial reasons. Sorry doesnt wash with me.

 

Blondie

I don't get it either. Most OW would have a career or a job, would she not. So even if the example is the MM makes $60,000 a year. Gives up 30% for child support(which is alot) He still has $42,000.

 

If the OW earns at least $20,000 yearly he is not really losing income once they combine. If OW s SAHM she must get some child support.

 

I do not really know the laws for Child support, but I would gather a man in an affair would lose financially in the divorce, but balance the difference out with his new woman's added income.

[jlola]

You're assuming that he gets to move in and share finances with the AP. Not everyone wants.

While I would have financially taken that on if circumstances were different, not everyone would, nor should they.

 

They may not move in initially. But I would think if someone is so much in love with his AP and they talk about his leaving his marriage, finance should not be such a big deal. Yes, he may have to struggle the first year or so and pay all the bills on his own.

 

But if he is willing to emotionally destroy his wife and children over an affair which he will not give up, I would hope the people involved in the affair are making plans to eventually be together. Otherwise why keep up something that will hurt so many people.

 

So eventually, whether it is 1 year or 2 years the MM can get back on his feet if he is with the OW because as a couple it is normal to share finances. So to use finances as an excuse makes no sense unless he thinks HE should not have to suffer any consequences at all for his actions.

[jlola]

So to use finances as an excuse makes no sense unless he thinks HE should not have to suffer any consequences at all for his actions.

 

I think this is very true for many of these men. Having an A is selfish and unfair.

 

Most of these men do not want to be fair to their first W if it means they have less money.

 

Blondie

 

Even if the "less money" is a temporary situation. After all he does have a new future "Mrs" who can help him carry the financial burden. Since statistics say most AP meet at work I would assume OW has a good career or at least a job.

[MissBee]

You've never had to pay two mortgages have you?

Or you don't see that many men simply don't want everyone to end up in little apartments instead of a 4 bedroom home in the suburbs, or to force their kids to have to change schools because child support isn't going to keep the 'standard of living' the same.

 

My H and I are paying two mortgages now.

 

He/we did not have to pay two mortgages when he D, but he could have done it. He offered to do it so his ex could stay in their 4 BR house with his 4 children.

 

She chose to move them into a house her parents owned and lived in only a few months of the year. It was a 4 br house. His children never lived in an apt until they left home and were on their own.

 

We are financially well off today. All of us including his ex and kids. However, when it all started she was a SAHM and he and I had low average salaries, houses with no equity, more debt than savings.

 

We made it work because we wanted to.

Blondie

 

 

I agree.

 

Bottom line: hardly any scenario is going to be perfect.

 

You have to give and take and sometimes be uncomfortable for a while. Anyone who has achieved any goal worthwhile knows this. It hardly falls into your lap without some sacrifice, growing pains, discomfort etc. But ultimately you move on from it and are happier for it. You won't be poor or on the streets for all eternity because you divorced. Maybe for a while your lifestyle might change but as LFH says, you can always make more money. I love that attitude and that's how I live. Money while important isn't everything and money comes and goes, so if doing something today which is good for my well being means less money now, I'm going to do it, because 1 year, 2 years, 10 years from now I'll make it back and MORE.

 

Like you, when my aunt divorced, she had been married to a banker who was working for a top investment firm and making lots of money and she, while she had her degree in marketing and did that, she had been a stay at home mom with their child for a while. However, she got back into the workforce,, albeit not in her field, divorced, they lived in an apartment and it was fine. Today, she is happily remarried, in a new career, has a business, is financially well off, has another child with her current husband and I'm sure she is happy she made the decision to leave, albeit scary at the time as a mom of a 5 year old who had stopped working to stay at home.

 

That said...I get the money concerns. But I also strongly believe that people who really want something, see the concerns but don't allow it to box them in and don't believe they "have to" but find ways around it. Money comes and goes and I like the mentality of those who realize this and those who make things happen versus those who passively accept, as usually, the difference between them and other people who things happen for, isn't that other people have more money/less stress/less love/less concern about kids etc...my aunt and others had all that and more...but the difference is what you value and your willingness to risk being a bit uncomfortable for now so that you have a better life later.

[Got it]

Yes, divorces are easier the more money you have.

 

Not necessarily. I think it has more to do with the people involved. People who sacrifice their happiness to fighting over money will fight just as hard for 1$ as they would for a million.

 

For dMM, he did a similar divorce though he took on all the debt and pays top alimony and child support past 18 to try and be fair to his ex wife. But yes at that point he just wanted it done and moved on.

 

This was my H situation. This is what men do if they really want out of a M and also care about their children.

 

Blondie

|

 

Blondie, talk to some divorce attorneys. More money, the financials and the details are easier. Not being able to afford two households, much harder.

 

Lol, you talk about sacrifice like people can just wish away financial worries. My parents didn't divorce until the youngest was an adult. Why? My dad says he couldn't afford the costs of two households and my mom was a SAHM at that point, the numbers wouldn't crunch. And he was the BS.

 

So my dad didn't really want to be divorced or care about his kids? Really!?! You want to tell him this.

 

And dMM still struggles with it, he took over more than 100K in debt plus alimony and child support. I don't fault him for question the struggles at times and still love me. He can love me to death but that doesn't mean you can cover rent. Luckily and really the only way he was able to do it was because of what I pull in and being able to relay on me. And that has been a struggle for him and he has been in a very vulnerable spot.

 

Yes saying its for the kids or the money gets used a lot and is not always the truth. But sometimes it is the truth. There has been a decline in divorces in the US over the past 5 years tied to the recession. People cannot afford to get divorced.

[MissBee]

That makes sense in the scenario you presented only, but assumes for households where only the man works and the wife spends all of his money.

 

As I posted in the other thread, it's simple math. Take one pool of money and now split it to cover two sets of bills where you previously had one. Sure, many do it but it's not easy especially in a hard economy.

The divorce rate goes down in times of a troubled economy. Money does often factor into a marriage and a decision to stay.

 

And that is the crux:

 

If one is looking for easy, then it is easy and safer to stay put and when one chooses that, don't whine or complain. Just stay where you are and accept you chose it. BTW...not accusing you of whining or complaining.

 

 

It certainly isn't easy...but lots of things aren't and that's life. I am also someone, and this is one thing I love about myself, when I want something I look for the CANS first and "How can I make this work?" before I look for the "It can't work because" "It's not easy.." etc. That's just my orientation in life, always has been since I was a kid...so got my way a lot of times, as I was always the one with the Plan A-Z and only after exhausting all options would I then give up. So it's hard for me to relate to those who seem to look for all the excuses or difficulties, obstacles and "buts" first. One thing I didn't like about my exAP....I felt like I was the one who bent over backwards to make things happen and happen they did, while he would simply be like "I wish we could xyz" "I would love nothing more than to xyz but..." and I pretty much got fed up with him because I felt he had a more resigned attitude about things and was happy to only wish and dream while I was the one actually spinning straw into gold. I realize I need a partner who has the same vision as I do and is as unrelenting about making things happen as I am.

[Got it]

Even if the "less money" is a temporary situation. After all he does have a new future "Mrs" who can help him carry the financial burden. Since statistics say most AP meet at work I would assume OW has a good career or at least a job.

 

But I did not leave my marriage because I was thinking I had a guarantee replacement there. That is assuming all relationships continue which is obviously not the case.

 

Which is why I have said, one needs to make sure they are divorcing for the right reason and are doing it independently. That means that thinking about today, can you financial support yourself, your children, etc. There is no given that someone will be there to help out with that (which is also my argument against and worry for women/men who are SAHP for long term.). You put yourself in a very vulnerable position even with CS and AA.

 

In my case, yes I have been able to support him and his ex. I have been able to help cover some of these expenses, to pay for trips, two cars, etc. But to be honest not a lot of people pull in what I do. So in a normal situation the net to net ratio is a whole lot worse. Yes dMM was able to make things easier on his ex and I am happy about that. I have zero regrets on the financial piece and am glad he has covered everything at the level that she continues to be able to work part time. But on his own, he was struggling to figure out if he was going to eat more than once a day even though he makes over 6 figures.

[eleanorrigby]

And that is the crux:

 

If one is looking for easy, then it is easy and safer to stay put and when one chooses that, don't whine or complain. Just stay where you are and accept you chose it.

 

 

 

Thank you.

 

If they have decided to stay with a person, for money or kids or history or the house or the 401K or the dog, make the best of it, keep trying to make it work.

 

Don't have affairs and make a bad situation worse,(how stupid!) risking all the things they said were the reasons they were staying for!

[MissBee]

Thank you.

 

If they have decided to stay with a person, for money or kids or history or the house or the 401K or the dog, make the best of it, keep trying to make it work.

 

Don't have affairs and make a bad situation worse,(how stupid!) risking all the things they said were the reasons they were staying for!

 

Ditto.

 

ten characrters

[jlola]

Thank you.

 

If they have decided to stay with a person, for money or kids or history or the house or the 401K or the dog, make the best of it, keep trying to make it work.

 

Don't have affairs and make a bad situation worse,(how stupid!) risking all the things they said were the reasons they were staying for!

 

110% agree. They say common sense isn't so common anymore. This is proof.

[MissBee]

Got It

 

I hear you....more money makes life easier including D....still sometimes when there is more to fight over people fight harder. depends on the people.

 

I know a couple that fought over a house for 15 years after the D was legal. The house actually burned down before they resolved it.

 

The recession point is valid although temporary imo.

 

And, wow.....100k in debt is ungodly amount of debt even for 6 figure income.

 

The more I think about this, the more I think most of these guys in A who cant leave due to finance should be spending their free time on 2nd jobs instead of A.

 

Blondie

 

 

Riiight! This is a practical solution IMO. If say I was living with my family, it was oppressive, I hated it and wanted to move out but couldn't afford to. I'd spend my time looking for ways to make more money and save to leave that situation. It would also help if I already had a lovely apartment I knew I wanted in mind, that I walked by everyday.

 

So if you hate your married life, or if not hate, but don't like it, and would be happier elsewhere and you already have a new lover in mind...get a second job and start saving or making some kinda plans to get from point A to B. You should have enough incentive to change things. If you have no kids...even better. But the end of it is: people here have had APs who despite the struggle, they left. So that's the bottomline. You stay or go...your choice. But if you stay, just accept your choice to have done so and don't continuously bring up money when other people also had the same or worse circumstances and managed to work it out. There is a difference between staying for monetary reasons but making it clear to your spouse that you do eventually want a divorce versus staying, but secretly having an A with no concrete plans towards change, except some magical wish of a future time when you win the lotto ....

[Got it]

Got It

 

I hear you....more money makes life easier including D....still sometimes when there is more to fight over people fight harder. depends on the people.

 

I know a couple that fought over a house for 15 years after the D was legal. The house actually burned down before they resolved it.

 

The recession point is valid although temporary imo.

 

And, wow.....100k in debt is ungodly amount of debt even for 6 figure income.

 

The more I think about this, the more I think most of these guys in A who cant leave due to finance should be spending their free time on 2nd jobs instead of A.

 

Blondie

 

But most people don't start off in affairs having looked at a household GL and decided well I can do that but I can't do this. It is more vague than that, feelings of unhappiness, etc.

 

It is easy for us to say, well "you" should have done x, y, and z. It is easy to look towards hindsight. Bottom line, people are unhappy and then plop the affair/idea of affair lands in their lap and like the lobster in the pot you are at boiling before you realize it. At that point you are trying to figure out the lesser of all evils, how do you do anything without making someone unhappy and you are stuck in situation where it is now Russian Roulette. And now you are trying to go backwards to go forwards.

 

And yes I do agree that people will find nothing and everything to fight over if so inclined. It just makes it a vary black and white situation when the dollar is being stretched completely right now just as an intact family. And then what? But yes some people just become toxic together and stay engaged because something, even in the negative reinforcement gives them something that they "like".

 

I think people will keep doing whatever until there is enough bad to outweigh the good and for each individual there is a different classification of good and bad. For some, just the fear of change, of taking a risk is enough "good" (the safety of staying) that outweighs the "bad" (staying in a situation that they are unhappy in). So in this case, until the fear is lessened or the bad becomes so bad that it overcomes the fear, they will stay put.

 

That is not saying, well here is the excuse to cheat because it is a gamble and most likely will blow up in a very negative way and at that point you can't control the reactions by others. So, yes, it is easier/cleaner not to cheat. But obviously people are not necessarily looking at it in a purely analytical way.

 

Re: 100K - yes it was the remaining amount from the short sale of the house (so their credit wasn't hit very hard) and the credit card consolidation (which meant that he was not able to get a credit card until it was paid off which would be a minimum of 5 years). Not including 100% of all the kids' college expenses.

 

The sad part is, even with all of that, it has not saved a single hit or lessened the venom and still accused of not supporting the kids. He lives on a quarterly bonus of maybe 7K (not guaranteed) and from his base salary less than 500.00 a month (as he also covers the kids' insurance). It is what it is and taking care of his ex also means the kids are being taken care of and if she is happier then they will be happy.

 

But what it has done is stopped him for caring or wanting to take care of her after this is done. Because of the venom that has continued, whereas before he thought he would continue to help support her, he is done. And won't give a dime. If she is given any money he has told me he doesn't want to know about it and I am to do it confidentially.

[Got it]

 

Riiight! This is a practical solution IMO. If say I was living with my family, it was oppressive, I hated it and wanted to move out but couldn't afford to. I'd spend my time looking for ways to make more money and save to leave that situation. It would also help if I already had a lovely apartment I knew I wanted in mind, that I walked by everyday.

 

So if you hate your married life, or if not hate, but don't like it, and would be happier elsewhere and you already have a new lover in mind...get a second job and start saving or making some kinda plans to get from point A to B. You should have enough incentive to change things. If you have no kids...even better. But the end of it is: people here have had APs who despite the struggle, they left. So that's the bottomline. You stay or go...your choice. But if you stay, just accept your choice to have done so and don't continuously bring up money when other people also had the same or worse circumstances and managed to work it out. There is a difference between staying for monetary reasons but making it clear to your spouse that you do eventually want a divorce versus staying, but secretly having an A with no concrete plans towards change, except some magical wish of a future time when you win the lotto ....

 

My dad didn't have another person, hated it at home but still didn't leave. Not everyone can get a second job that is going to amount to much or enough to make it feasible. I think it is easy to armchair quarterback how others should run their lives but until you are in their shoes it is best to hold off judgement.

 

I think this is why you see so many divorces after all the kids become adults. Many people are waiting for that financial lift to be able to make their move as well as not having to also pay child support.