coffeelover86 Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Hi you all, Long story short: met a girl about 4 months ago! Hit off very well and started texting/calling and seeing each other a lot. We were having heeps of fun and I personally didn't think to much of it. We both just came out of a long difficult relationship and I wasn't really looking for anything serious. Though as time moved I noticed I was falling in love with her. I didn't dare to tell her, until 2 weeks ago. She told me she hated it that she fell in love, since then everything changes.... So we both told each other we were in love.... This is were things changed. She told me she wasn't looking for anything serious at the moment and just wanted to have fun - for now - just take it slow and see what happens. In my character it is quite difficult. I want to know in what kind of relationship I'm investing especially when I have feelings. After that conversation I decided to back off a little - not initiate anymore, let her decide the tempo. We saw each other twice after this (nice meetings though), after which immediately she would text me. I was confused, since this wasn't slowing things down. So since I didn't initiate, she probably is backing off as well cause I haven't heard from her in 2 days. I don't want to play games, so I just texted her today. (just good luck today - no questions, no pressure) She always answers back to these texts. My problem no is: what to do. Let her come to me? Not initiate? Just text like nothing ever happened? Cut her off? I notice I get really insecure and doubtful whether or not to text her since she wanted to take things slow. How do I know what is slow enough?
Lani Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I'm not looking for anything serious is code for I'm not looking for anything serious with you. Sorry, but it's true. If we really liked you, what we were looking for would be out the window. I know, it sucks.
carhill Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Given it's four months ago you met, sounds like a placeholder to me. I might opine differently if she was regularly having sexual relations with you in addition to the 'love you' part. Be aware that women are as adept at using words for good or evil as you are at using your hands, especially language surrounding emotions. Good luck.
Author coffeelover86 Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 Are you sleeping with her? Yes, we are. And when we meet, I back off and she gets affectionate. When we walk outdoors she often grabs my hand. I tend to back off....hold it off a bit, but she initiates a lot.
phineas Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Yes, we are. And when we meet, I back off and she gets affectionate. When we walk outdoors she often grabs my hand. I tend to back off....hold it off a bit, but she initiates a lot. NOW it's complicated. I've known women like this but never actually gotten with one. Mostly because I knew they were like this & I know a woman like this will drive me crazy & keep me from finding someone else simply because these types of women have awesome fun personalities & are HOT. The women I knew like this had a steady pump she kept around so she wasn't lonely but she was still going out with other men. Still sleeping with other men & rationalizing it with the steady pump by saying "she wasn't in a relationship" I don't think I could be in that situation simply because they guy looks like a fricken chump & acts insecure whenever another man even looks at the woman when out.
carhill Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 She told me she wasn't looking for anything serious at the moment and just wanted to have fun - for now - just take it slow and see what happens. Since you and she are apparently having a full sexual and decidedly emotional interaction, these words are her truth. She wants to have sex, say 'I love you' and also 'have fun' and 'take it slow'. If you want to know exactly what 'have fun' and 'take it slow' are to her, ask her directly. Whatever those answers are, accept them. Match them up with what you want and make a decision whether to continue or not. Good luck.
Star Gazer Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Since you and she are apparently having a full sexual and decidedly emotional interaction, these words are her truth. She wants to have sex, say 'I love you' and also 'have fun' and 'take it slow'. If you want to know exactly what 'have fun' and 'take it slow' are to her, ask her directly. Whatever those answers are, accept them. Match them up with what you want and make a decision whether to continue or not. Good luck. I think if you want to know what her words mean, pay attention to her ACTIONS ONLY, and "listen" to those. Words mean nothing, really, if not aligned with action.
carhill Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 (edited) Well, she's having sex with him and telling him she loves him. Words are a woman's power. They are how she controls, in relationships. Understanding her words and clarifying them are key to establishing synergy, or deciding that the association is unhealthy. Observing actions is part of the process. OP, do you know what 'I love you', 'have fun' and 'taking it slow' mean to her? Has she told you, directly? Edited March 31, 2013 by carhill Added additional quoted passage
Star Gazer Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Well, she's having sex with him and telling him she loves him. Words are a woman's power. They are how she controls, in relationships. Understanding her words and clarifying them are key to establishing synergy, or deciding that the association is unhealthy. Observing actions is part of the process. OP, do you know what 'I love you', 'have fun' and 'taking it slow' mean to her? Has she told you, directly? Words are a woman's power? I don't think so. She's backing off. That's what he should be paying attention to, not her words.
Author coffeelover86 Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 Ok, loads of mixed messages....just the way I feel. Sometimes I'm sure, sometimes I doubt it. The only thing is, why would she leave me hanging if there are better options, and why would she initiate constantly? It is true we both had heavy times a few months ago.....so I can imagine her fear. Off course I can ask het what she means by those things, but I think one can never be sure so to say what somebody else thinks. In my opinion and feeling she has always been really honest with me....
carhill Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 In my opinion and feeling she has always been really honest with me.... If so, is there any reason to think that will change now? Since we're all human and can't yet read each other's minds, we rely on communication. Some is verbal; some is non-verbal. 'Why?' or 'what do you mean?' can open a dialogue and provide good information, when compared with experience, to make healthy decisions. If a person chooses to lie or be non-communicative, that's a choice, as is being authentic. Choices have consequences.
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I could be wrong, but if you're intimate and she's telling you she wants to take it slow and just have fun, it often means she doesn't see you as a serious option. In that case you're a placeholder to tide her over while she continues to explore and search for a serious option, one who she can see as having the potential to be her boyfriend. In other words, what you see is all you're going to get. Nothing more. Some guys are fine playing that role. Many are not. Some bow out when faced with such a proposition. Only you know what you hope for out of the arrangement and whether such a scenario could work for you.
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