BrokenHeartedSavior Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 It's been ten months without her. I still think of her daily, I still don't want to invision her with someone else- obviously she has been. I have been NC for not nearly that long, but long enough to know there won't ever be contact again. It just dawned on me that although I still think of her a lot, I'm forgetting small details about her, such as I do not recall what it feels like to kiss her, I can't recall what she smells like, I do remember what it feels like to wrap my arms around her for whtever the reason. I guess (hope) she's VERY slowly fading from my memory? Obviously I'll not EVER forget her. We had EIGHT YEARS together, and were engaged. I truly loved her, part of me always will, but i almost think i'm more sad about the actual memories-and the future we DIDN't have. Weird. Seems the sharp edges of my vivid memory of her are beginning to fray just a bit, and thats something i didn't even realize until just now. GOD i hope that means i'm letting go! 1
targaryen Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 This is what I'm most afraid of - forgetting the little things about her. I was tempted to make a list so I can always look back but I ill end up feeling really bad if I do so. Maybe forgetting is part of moving on/letting on - and maybe that's a good thing....
Author BrokenHeartedSavior Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 This is what I'm most afraid of - forgetting the little things about her. I was tempted to make a list so I can always look back but I ill end up feeling really bad if I do so. Maybe forgetting is part of moving on/letting on - and maybe that's a good thing.... But you see, thats a GOOD thing. What possible purpose would vividly recalling those memories serve? PAIN. This wasn't a conscious effort on my part- believe me, i think of her daily, if not hourly still. But I'm slowly realizing I'm memorializing my self-invisioned view of her, not the reality of who she is. Its a very strange thing, after all i lived with this woman for nearly eight years, and now i find myself realizing that i can't quite picture details i thought I'd NEVER forget. Don't let me fool you, i probably could remember those things if i tried hard enough- yet maybe even those memories would be skewed. DO NOT be afraid to forget!!! DO NOT BE SCARED TO LET GO! We have no choice. I believe its called "healing"
Author BrokenHeartedSavior Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 Making a list of details about her would be about as useful as plastering pictures of her on your walls. Everything about my exgf is GONE! I kept EXACTLY ONE picture of us together, that is sealed in an envelope, and locked away in my safe. EXACTLY ONE PICTURE. I kept NOTHING ELSE! I figure thats my "safety net" yet I'm hoping that at one point in my future I'll throw away the picture WITHOUT EVEN WANTING TO REMOVE IT from the envelope to see it!
Am4Real Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Someday you will pull out that picture, a day when you're happily in love again. You'll look at that old photo of you two...smile for a second...and probably wonder what the heck you saw in them compared to what you have now! Making a list of details about her would be about as useful as plastering pictures of her on your walls. Everything about my exgf is GONE! I kept EXACTLY ONE picture of us together, that is sealed in an envelope, and locked away in my safe. EXACTLY ONE PICTURE. I kept NOTHING ELSE! I figure thats my "safety net" yet I'm hoping that at one point in my future I'll throw away the picture WITHOUT EVEN WANTING TO REMOVE IT from the envelope to see it! 5
Compromize Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Someday you will pull out that picture, a day when you're happily in love again. You'll look at that old photo of you two...smile for a second...and probably wonder what the heck you saw in them compared to what you have now! Quote: Originally Posted by BrokenHeartedSavior Making a list of details about her would be about as useful as plastering pictures of her on your walls. Everything about my exgf is GONE! I kept EXACTLY ONE picture of us together, that is sealed in an envelope, and locked away in my safe. EXACTLY ONE PICTURE. I kept NOTHING ELSE! I figure thats my "safety net" yet I'm hoping that at one point in my future I'll throw away the picture WITHOUT EVEN WANTING TO REMOVE IT from the envelope to see it! I like this. Last year when my ex left me for 6 months, I shredded, burned, deleted all of the mementos and pictures and letters and texts but a very small few during this time. When we got back together I regretted it and wanted them back to relive those happy memories now that we had gotten back together. Now here I am again. This time it's all going. I have a thumb drive of some pictures that I zipped up and put away. I don't know why but I can't bring myself to get rid of it. Someday. Someday I may be able to look at it and remember fondly. Or be happily in love again and delete it without hesitation. It would be wrong to keep it when I am in another relationship anyway. There are some "personal" pictures on there as well.
ballycastle Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 read these posts with interest and Im wondering why every one is always so convinced we will find someone again? how can you be so sure? isn't that why we are posting here? because we are in pain and don't think we can get past this? i am a year after my breakup and still totally devastated. i am almost 45 and know i won't find love again. so what makes you think we will? 1
Compromize Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 read these posts with interest and Im wondering why every one is always so convinced we will find someone again? how can you be so sure? isn't that why we are posting here? because we are in pain and don't think we can get past this? i am a year after my breakup and still totally devastated. i am almost 45 and know i won't find love again. so what makes you think we will? With that kind of thinking you won't find someone. I know I have a lot to offer and I will eventually attract a great woman. I can't allow myself to fall into despair over her and neither should you. So they didn't want to be with us. That means we were not meant to be with them. I don't post here because I don't think I can get past this. I want to get past this and I KNOW I will get past this. Stop thinking you won't get past it or find love again. I'm in my late 30's and I know I have a lot more in store for me and a couple of wonderful kids that get the lions share of my time. Life doesn't end because your relationship did. 1
Renard99 Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 read these posts with interest and Im wondering why every one is always so convinced we will find someone again? how can you be so sure? isn't that why we are posting here? because we are in pain and don't think we can get past this? i am a year after my breakup and still totally devastated. i am almost 45 and know i won't find love again. so what makes you think we will? How do you know you will never meet someone. Have you met everyone you will ever meet in your whole life time? Have you met every person on the planet and now know that none are good for you? Tell me how you know with all certainty that you won't meet someone tomorrow who's better than your ex? I met someone new. Wasn't expecting to but 10 months after my break up I met an awesome woman who has knocked me off my feet. It can happen, why not to you? 2
Author BrokenHeartedSavior Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 Someday you will pull out that picture, a day when you're happily in love again. You'll look at that old photo of you two...smile for a second...and probably wonder what the heck you saw in them compared to what you have now! And I am totally convinced you're right. For now it's some kind of "safety" but I'm hoping to toss it in the future. Funny thing that opened my eyes, and I rid myself of everything but that picture, is when I called her after hearing a voicemail. She had left me a voicemail about a week prior, I called her back thinking she had just left it, but when I called back, she picked up not knowing it was me- she quick glanced at her phone, MEANING I CAME UP AS A NUMBER- NOT A NAME!!! She had already erased me from her life. That was it, I erased EVERYTHING, photos, emails, phone numbers, threw away everything she ever gave me. Every trace of her gone, saving only that single, solitary photo.
Author BrokenHeartedSavior Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 read these posts with interest and Im wondering why every one is always so convinced we will find someone again? how can you be so sure? isn't that why we are posting here? because we are in pain and don't think we can get past this? i am a year after my breakup and still totally devastated. i am almost 45 and know i won't find love again. so what makes you think we will? You and I are in similar situations: I AM 45, soon to be 46. I too am nearly a year post BU, AND I've been through things like this in the past, but didn't know about things like NC, and worse- I didn't have this fantstic board! Yet I dated many times, after many breakups. I will again, AND SO WILL YOU! Yes, we are all in pain, but I guarantee you that you WILL find love again, all of us will. 1
ballycastle Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 You and I are in similar situations: I AM 45, soon to be 46. I too am nearly a year post BU, AND I've been through things like this in the past, but didn't know about things like NC, and worse- I didn't have this fantstic board! Yet I dated many times, after many breakups. I will again, AND SO WILL YOU! Yes, we are all in pain, but I guarantee you that you WILL find love again, all of us will. Thanks. Sorry to hijack the originators thread. I ask this because a year later I don't think I can put myself through the pain AGAIN. Or risking my near death experience of my last break up. When I was younger I knew I would find love again and I did, because I was younger and had HOPE. Now with all the therapy I have had (and I've had a lot) I realise there is also something wrong with me (anxious/love addict) and the partners I choose to have in my life. I am convinced the only ones out there are the ones that are completely avoidant/commitmentphobes. That's not to say that you are Broken Hearted so please don't take it as that) That's what so many older people complain about, the secure ones are TAKEN. That's why my chances of meeting that someone TO LOVE ME has gone. It's like telling someone who has had years of committing different crimes and ending up in jail that they will be rehabilitated. Nope, realistically the chance is after years of the same repeated pattern and someone trying to help them to rehabilitate you suspect the chances are they will re offend pretty high. Like I say, happy to start new thread, sorry to hijack. But I get a little frustrated when I keep reading I will GUARANTEE meet someone again. How do you know I won't? How do you know that actually my turn on this earth is to simply raise my son the best I can and go it alone? It's not want I WANT but maybe what is DOWN for me to do. We have to be a little more realistic here. Sorry for being on a downer, but one year post BU I am a still a mess and can't see this EVER changing, not like it was when I was younger. I am older, I am wiser and realise I am unique and struggle to believe that that someone out there that gets me, actually exists
Author BrokenHeartedSavior Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 Bally, No offence taken, and no need to apologize for hijacking, this is what its all here for. Understand that just like you, i'm a father of 3, and when my marriage fell apart years ago i thought the same way, I basically figured life was over, IT WASN'T and I have had relationships since. This particular breakup hit me the hardest because i thought I'd re-try marriage. I think you're looking at it entirely wrong with "all the good ones are taken" mentality, think about this carefully: Most people on this board are DUMPEES! meaning we weren't the ones who had commitment issues! Hell even most dumpers on here realize they've screwed up! See what I mean? Its AT LEAST 50% of all of us that aren't damaged in the way you describe- and the age ranges vary probably more than you think! Do you SERIOUSLY believe that there aren't wonderful ladies out there your age who haven't been dumped, divorced, cheated on, and who feel just like you do? Only after reading so many "just like me" stories here, have I really think I have at least begun to heal. And you have no idea how INCREDIBLY devastated and deeply depressed I was when she dumped me. You aren't alone my friend, and it WILL get better, and you WILL meet someone- probably when you expect it the least.
SuperGeek Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 I am not in my 40s yet, but I am single and do NOT even have any kids yet. At least you've been able to have a son to grow old with. Even if you never find love again, you will be able to enjoy your son at the very minimum and that is a lot more then some of us have on this board. Some of us can't even HAVE kids and can never look forward to having a child due to medical limitations (adoption withstanding). So while I understand your view that the future doesn't look hopeful, please be thankful for what you do have. I think that if you enjoy your son and you find happiness in raising him, the girl will just likely show up. Also there are a lot of divorced single women out there raising kids of their own, so basic probability suggests you have a higher chance at finding a partner that relates to you than a single man at 40 with NO kids. I'd have kids and a family right now if my stupid ex didn't throw it all away. That was her choice and I'm glad she made it when she did. She is likely now married to someone else and probably already has kids of her own. I am nearly 3 years post breakup and over it (99%), but it is true you don't ever forget them entirely. You simply get to a point where you can be indifferent about it and move on. SuperGeek How do you know that actually my turn on this earth is to simply raise my son the best I can and go it alone? It's not want I WANT but maybe what is DOWN for me to do. 1
Am4Real Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 I think there are many dumpees who have had similar thoughts, but they are just that: thoughts If they become your beliefs, then like most beliefs they drive your behaviors and take over your personality. After all, is that not what beliefs are for, they are our guiding principles? It is fine with me to put things in perspective, to know the chances might have changed and the person(s) you will encounter may have a lifetime of experiences as well. However, looking at this statistically; the country has an enormous divorce rate, one that attacks all age brackets and both sexes, so by no means are the odds (and speaking in bookie terms her) stacked against you – they are actually in your favor. The last paragraph addressed your thoughts from statistics. Your beliefs can change as well, but it has to start within. Nothing I can say or anyone else is likely to change it until you “believe” in yourself, first. If statistics seem to prove you wrong with your presumption, what else is holding you back if I may ask? Is it fear with the possibility of pain you speak about in the quote below? Thanks. Sorry to hijack the originators thread. I ask this because a year later I don't think I can put myself through the pain AGAIN. Or risking my near death experience of my last break up.
ballycastle Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 So while I understand your view that the future doesn't look hopeful, please be thankful for what you do have. I think that if you enjoy your son and you find happiness in raising him, the girl will just likely show up. Also there are a lot of divorced single women out there raising kids of their own, so basic probability suggests you have a higher chance at finding a partner that relates to you than a single man at 40 with NO kids. SuperGeek Dear all thanks so much for your support and advice. Yes I am eternally thankful that I have a son (from a previous relationship, not one to do with my thread). Raising him alone is, like many on this forum, difficult. It gets very lonely to have to make decisions about their future alone without an adult companion to mull things through with. I think I will need to seek someone who does have children as the guys I have met over 40 without kids had a different lifestyle from me not having the understanding of having to be responsible for another human being that caused friction. Another kind poster asked what I fear. Yes I fear going through the pain of a potential breakup again. I cannot do it again. I went through painfully lonely emotions I felt no-one understood when my ex dumped me, ending up in A&E (emergency hospital) with suicidal thoughts. I have a son, I can't put myself in that risk again. I just can't, it would not be fair to leave him without a mother who potentially fails in love. And yes, I have had therapy for these feelings. And that's the thing that makes me so angry, we here and seeking advice, getting on forum to improve and develop, while our exes don't do anything, they just carry on and cause damage they probably don't care they have done. My ex was avoidant, so when intimacy neared he bolted, put up his walls to feel safe. I fear I will just turn like him in future. If anyone expresses an interest in me I will shut down, run for fear of being hurt. I can't start dating with expressing this fear to a potential partner, they will run a mile! So I am stuck, alone, with a lump inside that spells failure I wasn't able to chose or keep a partner. I realise there are men out there that might be sympathetic to my fears and realise we all have baggage (like I do and did, with all my exes I was understanding to and wanted to work through issues together to remain a couple but it seemed commitment wasn't on their agenda) but where on earth do you find them? I know they may 'find' me after I have worked through this post BU pain so in future I believe in myself more...but I feel deep down its just too late. Which is really tragic. I'm just too scared, hurting too much from previous bad experiences. The last breakup is the worst in my life. And it's a lonely place to be. thanks for listening, Ballycastle 1
misswillow Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Balleycastle, I understand how you are feeling. I'm early 40s and utterly devastated by my breakup, I'm not sure how I can ever risk going through this again. I've never been married, no children, and I just feel so alone. I feel like people must think there is something wrong with me that I am alone once again. I always get the "I can't believe you're single" because everything seems fine on the outside...I'm a nice person, a good person, I'm smart, have a good job, attractive. But obviously there is something wrong on the inside, and I'm not sure what it is. Anyway, don't want this thread to run off-course, but I just wanted to tell you how much I can relate. I wish I could PM you, but I don't seem to have that capability yet... 1
Author BrokenHeartedSavior Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 Thanks. Sorry to hijack the originators thread. I ask this because a year later I don't think I can put myself through the pain AGAIN. Or risking my near death experience of my last break up. When I was younger I knew I would find love again and I did, because I was younger and had HOPE. Now with all the therapy I have had (and I've had a lot) I realise there is also something wrong with me (anxious/love addict) and the partners I choose to have in my life. I am convinced the only ones out there are the ones that are completely avoidant/commitmentphobes. That's not to say that you are Broken Hearted so please don't take it as that) That's what so many older people complain about, the secure ones are TAKEN. That's why my chances of meeting that someone TO LOVE ME has gone. It's like telling someone who has had years of committing different crimes and ending up in jail that they will be rehabilitated. Nope, realistically the chance is after years of the same repeated pattern and someone trying to help them to rehabilitate you suspect the chances are they will re offend pretty high. Like I say, happy to start new thread, sorry to hijack. But I get a little frustrated when I keep reading I will GUARANTEE meet someone again. How do you know I won't? How do you know that actually my turn on this earth is to simply raise my son the best I can and go it alone? It's not want I WANT but maybe what is DOWN for me to do. We have to be a little more realistic here. Sorry for being on a downer, but one year post BU I am a still a mess and can't see this EVER changing, not like it was when I was younger. I am older, I am wiser and realise I am unique and struggle to believe that that someone out there that gets me, actually exists Bally, my apologies, I assumed you were male lol
ballycastle Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Balleycastle, I understand how you are feeling. I'm early 40s and utterly devastated by my breakup, I'm not sure how I can ever risk going through this again. I've never been married, no children, and I just feel so alone. I feel like people must think there is something wrong with me that I am alone once again. I always get the "I can't believe you're single" because everything seems fine on the outside...I'm a nice person, a good person, I'm smart, have a good job, attractive. But obviously there is something wrong on the inside, and I'm not sure what it is. Anyway, don't want this thread to run off-course, but I just wanted to tell you how much I can relate. I wish I could PM you, but I don't seem to have that capability yet... hi yes i think you have to have written a lot more posts to PM but i'm not sure how many LOL however, like you, I have a great career, am intelligent, attractive, fit, independant, blah blah blah, funny, but it's stilll not enough for anyone to want to take risk and stay. I read amir and levines 'attached' which made me realise the types of attachments i make. I recommend it because as I was abandoned as a child all my future relationships have unconsciously been with men who ultimately abandon me to mirror childhood imprinting and what i perceive is love when clearly isn't AKA love addiction. you can get it on amazon and its an eye opener. Now i can read potential avoidants and walk away rather then being attracted to their addictions or non availability as a challenge. I, we are better than that LOL
misswillow Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 hi yes i think you have to have written a lot more posts to PM but i'm not sure how many LOL however, like you, I have a great career, am intelligent, attractive, fit, independant, blah blah blah, funny, but it's stilll not enough for anyone to want to take risk and stay. I read amir and levines 'attached' which made me realise the types of attachments i make. I recommend it because as I was abandoned as a child all my future relationships have unconsciously been with men who ultimately abandon me to mirror childhood imprinting and what i perceive is love when clearly isn't AKA love addiction. you can get it on amazon and its an eye opener. Now i can read potential avoidants and walk away rather then being attracted to their addictions or non availability as a challenge. I, we are better than that LOL Interesting. I'll have to check out that book. My father abandoned me when I was a baby, so maybe this is part of it. I don't remember him at all so I always thought I wasn't affected by not having him around (since I never had to miss him), but maybe it did have an effect on me. Thanks for the suggestion.
Jingle14 Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 read these posts with interest and Im wondering why every one is always so convinced we will find someone again? how can you be so sure? isn't that why we are posting here? because we are in pain and don't think we can get past this? i am a year after my breakup and still totally devastated. i am almost 45 and know i won't find love again. so what makes you think we will? Maybe it because a lot of the people on the forum are younger than we are (I'm in your age bracket)? I was married for 22 years, had break ups before then (including with someone I was with for 5 years) but know my ex was the 'one' - with him I knew I'd never been in love before, never felt such a connection or chemistry with anyone like that before or a level of mutual physical attraction and compatability. It took me to get to my 40's to find that and, despite what people tell me to the contrary, I'll not find it again. It was one of those 'once in a lifetime if you're very lucky', almost spiritual, connections and I'm under no illusion that it will happen again. I'm now 22 month post BU, still think of him every day (always in the back of my mind), still bitterly hurt and desperately heartbroken, although I hide it well in the 'real' world.
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