CompleteFailure Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Hi everyone, I've been lurking the boards the last couple days reading peoples stories and the advice of members as well as stickies, and decided to make an account to post/seek help for my own long winded tale. Long indeed it is. Let me preface the meal of my story with some facts. 1. I am a male, 30 2. My mother died when I was 14-15 3. I was raped anally in my late teens-early 20's. It was while I was asleep, I do not remember if I was under any influence narcotics or alcohol, the events are hazy. I still do not know who the culprit is. 4. There is no bull**** here. This is not a joke. If you don't have sincere input or applicable criticism, please go elsewhere. My father remarried a few years after my Mother's death and we all moved into a new house. Eventually they decided to kick the kids out of the house, and they moved into another new house together. I moved around renting apartments until they purchased a house with me as a part owner using insurance from my mother's death. The years following the rape incident I slowly burned all bridges with past relationships/friendships. I didn't trust anyone, and was extremely paranoid, not being able to sleep at night watching the door. To this day I can't sleep comfortably unless I bar the door shut with something. Sometimes I'll check the room, under the bed, the closet if I've been out to make sure no one is hiding. My Relationship 23 and living on my own, I was renting rooms in the house to help cover costs. During this time I started a relationship with a tenant. She was a foreigner, 25 and was about to be alone as her roommate and closest friend was moving back to their home country. I initially invited her out, as I felt bad that she would be by herself and I guess I white knighted in. We immediately bonded and she ended up moving into my space right away(while still renting her room). Eventually she stopped renting and just lived with me. I quit a low paying job and over the course of a few months neither of us were working until I lucked out and found a well paying job I didn't deserve. She was actively finishing school to pursue a career in finance. Things were looking up, and we had talked about marriage. After a few years, something triggered the rape incident and I regressed into a depression state. I lost my job while she found one, but we were both still happy together and hopeful for the future. She knew that I had mental issues, but never fully accepted what I had told her about my past. She didn't see how things connected, hell I didn't either until recently reading a wiki entry on "rape trauma syndrome". During those years leading up to now, we've had many great and wonderful times together, shared many firsts, many lasts, many cries, and many laughs. We've been through thick and thin, near death experiences(literally), illnesses, deaths of loves ones, etc... Pretty much anything and everything we've gone through it together and this whole time my own "love" for her has never changed. She always comforted me and said the same things. I proposed to her twice without a ring, and she said yes both times. We never actually had a ceremony, but this whole time I've viewed us as being married, and I thought her as well. We share two cats together, and live between my place and a place her parents bought for her. We've fought many, many, many times as well. Usually my fault for picking at something stupid, partially because of my ego, and now realizing how the rape has affected me I'd say that a core deal of the **** I was giving her stemmed from that turmoil. Needless to say I was a monster. I abused her verbally, she did the same and emasculated me constantly, I slapped her once, she's hit me many times, thrown things, pretended to strike me just to startle me. I've given her the hateful I wish I never met you and wish you would leave stare and received it many times as well. The funny thing is though, that after each countless time of arguing eventually one of us ends up begging the other for forgiveness and to take them back. Each time the other would give in only to start the whole cycle over again. It was always my fault. So the last 4 years I've been jobless basically a house husband taking care of everything but the finance. In a way we complimented each other. I always made sure to do the little extras in our relationship and always had her in mind first before doing anything. We fought once a week always to make up. When things were good, they were great. We've traveled a lot together and there are lots of photos with pure happiness in the eyes, of those moments we were in each others presence sharing that time. Our most recent trip was one week before our breakup. The Breakup As usual, the week after our vacation we got into a fight. I ended up dropping her off at a female friends place as they had plans to attend the friends graduation dinner ceremony. I did the usual routine and went shopping for groceries and cat food. When I met back up with her that night I was still angry and we didn't talk much. We took our shower together but she was distant and quick to leave. I didn't think much of it. The next week we fought again. She went out with that same friend, and when she came back told me she wanted a break. We talked a bit and she ended up driving me home. Once there I refused to believe things were over and we kept talking. Eventually I found out that she had met someone else at that dinner she attended the week before, and had exchanged some light emails. She wanted to pursue a new relationship with this man. We spent the night together and after work she came back to my place to talk. We ended up getting into an arrangement where we would still live together and continue on our normal lives but she would pursue this other relationship. Almost like a backwards open relationship. She had an emotional connection with that guy but was hoping it could turn into something real, long lasting. In the meantime I vowed my love and patience and would stay by her side in case things didn't go her way. I would change my ways and get my **** together to provide her with security. She thought it a win-win, if she got him she'd be happy, if she failed, I'd be her backup. I thought I could handle that, because in my stupidity I thought that somewhere inside of her there was a part of her that felt our bond that was beyond normalcy. According to our arrangement I'm not supposed to hurt myself, hurt him, and not make her feel bad about it emotionally. At first it didn't work because she would give me subtle hate or disgust, but after talking about it and her saying she would work on it, I started to see that old familiar love she was capable of sharing with me. In return, we still live together, I see her everyday, we sleep together every night(unless shes out), I prepare our meals, we usually shower together unless she wants space, I wash her hair always and sometimes it gets erotic. We have physical intimacy though not sex. I massage her as usual so she sleeps well, and hold her in my arms to sleep. We wake up face to face with smiles and good mornings. This is only to work if I keep my end of the bargain as well, which is damn near impossible as I go through mood swings and have mental movies of them f'ing each other. It's hot and cold with us, she'll be extremely nice and knows how to make me want her, and than she'll pull away and wait for me to make a move/approach her. When I do, she'll just humiliate me subtly. If I don't give attention, she'll start to act bitchy or try a bit harder to get some response from me. We spend almost all of our time together still doing couple things. It feels like we're together except that we no longer have sex, and I know about the other guy. She's very open if I ask any questions, and normally I don't feel anything when she talks about it, but every morning I wake up the anxiety hits and the heartbreak sets in. Sometimes it goes away after I write, sometimes it lingers until I confront her and she resets our boundaries and my brain realizes again that we're just friends, special friends. She texts with him constantly everywhere and everyday and it drives me nuts. It's been a month. In that time she's been on 5-6 dates(kissed him on the second date) and stayed overnight at his place twice. She's ***'d him both times she was there. I asked. She said his c*ck isn't as big as mine, and she hasn't cum. She said in a way, he's not as caring in that regard as I am(that was after the first night they were together). A part of me wants to believe these things, but a part of me feels she's just trying to protect my ego. Though when I make jokes about it her face seems to darken, and her eyes go into trance like state. Yesterday I was acting moody and she asked me to talk to her about what was up. I gave in and started making valid logical points about why we should work things out, how things were still good until she met this other guy, and how knowing these things now can help us work towards our long term goals together. I understand the feeling of new love, infatuation, excitement and how the chemicals within our bodies make us act, drive us, push us further into things. It's addictive and it's impossible to stop. So she won't. She says she doesn't see me that way anymore, I argue that's a lie that she's buried whilst transferring all of her positive emotions for me towards and onto him. She admits if we knew then what we know now she would still be with me and would work to make things right with us. But if he never entered the picture, things might not have ever changed. Every time it seems like I make a real valid point and ask her to confront any love she has for me she'll start yelling at me or deflecting the conversation in another direction. Am I f'd up? She tells me not to force her to make a decision between us, her mind is confused she needs time, and for us to happen it won't... at least "for now". She asked me if I could give her time to give me an answer. I said no. She asked me why I was willing to make the arrangement in the first place and why I previously said I would wait for her no matter what. To be honest I really believed I had the strength to do this/that. I thought my love is so f'in pure and real that I will prove everything wrong and will be that man that loves her unconditionally always. I do. Still after knowing she sucked his d!ck and rode him. Today, I would take her back in a heartbeat if she chose me, if she realized everything which we talked about(and she says she does), but can't stop seeing him. I called her a drug addict, she agreed. I packed all my **** and left, she asked why we cant go back to the arrangement before our conversation started yesterday and that she would work on the way she subtly rejects me. I would stay in that if I knew a part of her heart was open to me, to us, not just them. But I feel that's not the case, and can't pretend any longer to not care. I think she's just using me for convenience and the ego boost. I told her that after everything we've been through if she doesn't know if there's any space in her heart for me as a partner, a side dish to her main course than there would be no point. I told her I didn't want to wait around until their relationship failed for me to be second best. I told her to be happy and walked away. I think a weight lifted off her. And even though I'm extremely selfish, I truly do want her to be happy. This is why I came to the conclusion of giving her this last chance to work things out together with me. If the answer was no, I would just try to save what little if any dignity I had left and leave, whilst giving her what shes wanted all along freedom and to be happy. She left for a date with him and the plan is she will be staying at his place again tonight. Help Knowing a bit of our history, did I make the right choice in the end? I would usually see her after work tomorrow but I'm not sure if she will contact me, I'm hoping she doesn't but don't know what to do if she does. She might just stop by. We still have keys to each others places. She's my emergency contact. We still have our cats though they stay at my place. I still have stuff at her place, most of her stuff is already out of mine. Should I have agreed to the offer of the final arrangement? I'm trying to justify it and it wasn't all that bad besides the mental strife I was put through every day. I mean I know she still loves me regardless of what she says, and I know that she is "in love" with this other guy. But I also know that she can be "in love" with me if this other guy wasn't taking up so much of her brain space. She's the perfect woman in my eyes, and would make the perfect wife. I took her for granted all these years, but have viewed her as my wife the entire time. When asked she says that she never saw me as her husband, but when pressed she admits that we lived that way, and she knew my proposals were sincere. Could my feelings towards her be based on unresolved abandonment issues with my mother passing? Maybe I'm seeking her approval and loving her so much, coddling her and not wanting to let her go because I don't want to feel that kind of deep loss again? I have 0 friends, 0 relationships, 0 job, dwindling cash reserve and I'm hurting terribly. I have no real means of transportation, and have been extremely dependent on her. I know I need to seek real help/therapy.
GudDude2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 What I am going to say will sound generic, but I will say it anyway. If you really love her then you will let her go. You cannot control the situation. If she is into the other dude than it just is what it is. The only chance you have is NC. Drop off the face of the earth. Let her acknowledge and feel your loss. What she has with this other dude may not last, and even if it does it will not keep her from missing and thinking about you. Not to keep hope alive, but you need to work on you for you, and if she makes contact, which I'd put money on it that she will, if you play your cards right you might get what you want. Up to this point your just a sucker for love, with no dignity, and no demand for respect and will be treated like **** as you deserve to be......NC.....NC.....NC. Get your self respect back first if you ever want her to have any for you. If you can stick to NC she will miss you enough to contact you. Don't make excuses as to why you can't implement or stick to NC. Please remember this is the only way to get her to come back to you. And when she does it will be your job to make her see you in a new light. She will have to atone for her prior mistreatment of you, which will allow you to gauge her sincerity, or rather or not it's just a selfish ploy for her to reassert her control over your emotions. You need time away from her so you can gain perspective. Get angry at her for how she's treated you, then use and feed off your anger to help keep you strong through NC. NC is your only chance. You need to truly understand this. Good Luck!
Author CompleteFailure Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 What I am going to say will sound generic, but I will say it anyway. If you really love her then you will let her go. You cannot control the situation. If she is into the other dude than it just is what it is. The only chance you have is NC. Drop off the face of the earth. Let her acknowledge and feel your loss. What she has with this other dude may not last, and even if it does it will not keep her from missing and thinking about you. Not to keep hope alive, but you need to work on you for you, and if she makes contact, which I'd put money on it that she will, if you play your cards right you might get what you want. Up to this point your just a sucker for love, with no dignity, and no demand for respect and will be treated like **** as you deserve to be......NC.....NC.....NC. Get your self respect back first if you ever want her to have any for you. If you can stick to NC she will miss you enough to contact you. Don't make excuses as to why you can't implement or stick to NC. Please remember this is the only way to get her to come back to you. And when she does it will be your job to make her see you in a new light. She will have to atone for her prior mistreatment of you, which will allow you to gauge her sincerity, or rather or not it's just a selfish ploy for her to reassert her control over your emotions. You need time away from her so you can gain perspective. Get angry at her for how she's treated you, then use and feed off your anger to help keep you strong through NC. NC is your only chance. You need to truly understand this. Good Luck! Hey thanks for your reply, I agree the lack of dignity and self respect has lowered her attraction for me. My desperation to cling on to something that she might have a completely different perception of is probably not helping either. I feel though that overtime being with her, she's totally destroyed my self esteem and I feel as though I need her validation. I've broken her down as well, but I've built her back up secretly and directly. I'm here now at this point alone because I seriously want to work on myself and get my life back together. But, its hard because I thought the one person who would be there for me isn't, while I still want her to be. As for NC, how do I stick to it in this situation? 1) she has keys to my place 2) the cats are a shared responsibility. 3) I feel as though I still owe her and should be civil considering she put up with all my **** as well as the arrangement when originally she asked for the break. We talked about this 3rd party in the relationship early on, and we had discussed about staying friends since we were such an important part of each others lives(her to me more so). If she asks to stay friends should I just say No? If she shows up at my place and asks why I didn't respond to her texts should I just tell her I don't want any contact with her? I'm kind of afraid she'll just completely cut me off forever to spite me. If she offers the arrangement should I just accept that at least I can have that part of her in my life? Within this month when I've kept my mouth shut and just played it cool with her, she treats me better, with more respect. I'm like a drug addict as well. It's depressing.
Author CompleteFailure Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 Waking up this morning the anxiety sets in again. It brings some tears to think what I've lost and f'd up. I'm still unsure whether or not she will contact me after work, or stop by at my place. I don't think I'll be able to ignore her if she does. I fear that she won't. I fear ill be weak and go back to our arrangement. After all, aren't we still friends? Shouldn't I be there for her as I've always been? She comforted me initially when she first mentioned this break, shouldn't I be there for her if any hurt enters her life in the new relationship? I feel like I'd be such a jerk if I left her alone to deal with any pain she has to cope with. I understand its one thing to rebuild myself, or try to rebuild attraction. Not being needy and going NC could help this, but isn't that also being selfish? If I were decent, and meant all the things I ever said or did to/for her, shouldn't I stick it out? So what if she uses me for an ego boost, shouldn't I provide her with that after all the crap I've put her through? I know by letting her go to be happy is one thing, but what if she tries to persuade me? Someone Help. How do I handle this?
siankat Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 uuuffff sounds like you have little going on other than her. One bit of advice and that will get things going for you (i know its not always easy, ive been there ..trust me) But mate, u need something else in ur life no matter what happens with her. U need to GET A JOB. I wont even patrionise u with the reasons why. Good luck 1
siankat Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 and ps i dont care what it is. I worked in a bar cos it looked cool and gave me a roof over my head when my ex had me at his heel like a dog and then kicked me away. I worked the door at a strip club cos i wanted to live dangerously and the money was above minimum wage. I worked burger king cos i wanted zero responsibility - never took the promotion they offered either. Then i became a nurse cos i have always cared for ppl and wanted to do it. Just go with ur first thought...if nothing else, it will stop u thinking for that time when u have new worries like '**** dunno what im doing, what are my colleagues all about, what i need to do next, deadlines, routines' all great for distracting u while u work thru this...and so much more 1
siankat Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 (edited) deleted post Edited April 1, 2013 by siankat
Author CompleteFailure Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 Well she didn't contact me after work. I can't say I'm surprised, but F it hurts. My ego could have used a boost. A part of me wanted it, but I guess this is for the better. I do want to text her so bad to see her but know if I did she would just find that even more pathetic after the way we left things yesterday. Am I that terrible? Was there never anything there? Is the past that meaningless and of no value? are some of the questions I'm hung up with. I'm seriously worried that as I stay strong and keep up the NC, she will just decide to show up later in the week on her day's off or next week or after a month. She's done that before in the past when we had breaks, and with her having a key she might come to try and check up on me or take me to shop for pet supplies/food. I don't need her for that, but I'm sure she feels somewhat of an obligation and/or guilt. How am I supposed to get better knowing that this will eventually happen in the short future, and most likely before I'm ready to see her? I'm not really sure what to say to her when that time comes. Mentally I move forward one step, and fall two steps back. The anxiety of not knowing, and half expectations are still consuming me.
Author CompleteFailure Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 (edited) uuuffff sounds like you have little going on other than her. One bit of advice and that will get things going for you (i know its not always easy, ive been there ..trust me) But mate, u need something else in ur life no matter what happens with her. U need to GET A JOB. I wont even patrionise u with the reasons why. Good luck Thanks for your input. I definitely need some other things of value in my life. She is/was basically everything I lived for, day after day, night after night. Her in my life is everything I've known for so long. Having some issues that I haven't dealt with yet, its hard for me to go out and get a job. Say what you will, but mental illness is real. I'm trying to set up something with a doctor/therapist but that's probably going to take a few weeks. In the meantime I try to think positively, but F the habit of this drug keeps driving me to want to make that call. In our relationship all boundaries have been broken, and if I just showed up at her place I think she would expect it and things would go back. I know I shouldn't but knowing it can be that easy to get that fix... I'm so tempted. Edited April 1, 2013 by CompleteFailure
Author CompleteFailure Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 (edited) I messed up, I just sent a text "Oh hey... Happy Easter" I'm so stupid, I don't know what came over me reading another thread on here about the holidays. It was impulsive and desperate. I'm pretty sure she sees that as she didn't bother to respond. I feel less in control now compared to yesterday taking the higher ground. Still, I'm trying to justify it by reasoning that it was just a nice friendly remark and that it doesn't sway things in any direction. edit: she just text back 15mins later saying "thanks, happy easter to you too" That makes me laugh with joy, I'm so happy right now. Edited April 1, 2013 by CompleteFailure
siankat Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 i hear ye...addicted to her, addicted to the feelings, subtract her from your life and you will have nothing therefore do u really exist etc Been there, and mate trust me also that u are not the only one with a brutal history but i gotta tell you; people dont give a ****. You have to give a crap about yourself. And i can say from experience that i think all these things we do are to feel comfort and happiness of a kind. When u build the bricks of ur own life, no one else can swoop in an destroy it as easily as it is YOURS and u control it and you will provide urself with a sense of security, do things you will be proud of and ultimately be behind the steering wheel of your choices and not responding to someone elses beck n call. From where u are...i know how insurmountable this can seem so...baby steps and im glad ur gonna get counselling. Everyone is different and handles situations differently so i wont go on bout what worked for me (step by step and still moving) but there is one thing thats irrefutable. and that is, you need...a job.
GudDude2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 (edited) I know how painful this **** can be, trust me I know. You are swimming in a pool of pain. Every stroke to stay above water hurts, every breath you struggle to take hurts. You are drowning, fighting for your very life, and all you want her to do is through you a rope. She doesn't have to drag you in, just through out the rope for you to grab hold of, to show you that she cares just a little, but she won't because she is to busy sucking the other guys dick to hear your cries for help. Now maybe after he cums in her mouth and his balls are drained it might cross her mind to check in on you, I mean afterall the cats got to eat right? I hate to be so vivid, but you need your own rope to grab. Where is your pride? Where is your dignity? We all know the pain that you are in, but if your going to swim in that pool learn to use the pain to your advantage. Don't just choke and drown on it, but drink it in, and let it quench your thirst to sustain your will to live again. No one is going to save you, but you! Stop making excuses as to why you have to have one more dose. That crack is killing you, and if you don't find a way off of it your heart is going to explode. The next time you start tweaking for a blast of that crack pipe, you blow out in that smoke....."I'm going to be needing my key back! I can't live with this bull**** arrangement! Don't worry about me (cocksucker,) I am going to be alright, so please do not stop over anymore! No I don't want to talk about it, just need my space. I appreciate everything that you've done for me and hate to ask you for just one more favor! But please! leave me alone for awhile. I don't want to stand in the way of your happiness (clearly your not), but you go on so that I can get myself together! I don't want to be your friend right now! & I apologize if I can't be there for you right now! Don't worry about the ****ing cats!" These are the things you need to be saying, and you need to mean them with all the heart you say you love her with. How you will find the strength I don't know, but if you want even a remote chance of her coming back to you with the proper respect, and caring you deserve IT MUST BE DONE! If a simple text from her makes your heart sing, then you say these things and mean them, and watch how much attention she showers on you then, even if not immediately. I suspect the longer you can implement NC the stronger and more intense her rush back to you will be, so let this motivate you Then get up, wash up, and go get some counseling & SSI !! Edited April 1, 2013 by GudDude2013
EnLove Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 You know what kills me on LS!!!? How all anyone ever talks about is that no contact bull**** like its the answer to everyyyything! It's not and I'm not about torture myself doing it. If you want to still talk to her then do so and I can relate to the abandonment issues because I have them and that's exactly why you're so dependent on her and also because she knows your story so you've obviously opened up enough to trust her. I think she's the selfish one yes you have your issues but she should be there and she's selfish because she's trying to take her cake and eat it to by using you as a back up. That's messed up don't even play her game take control and leave her alone if she wants to be with you she will be back no one can fake 7 years and move on that fast she's going to eventually start comparing you two and realizing what she lost. In the mean time focus on yourself start looking for a job and seeking counseling for the unresolved issues you have with yourself. Once you become one with yourself everything will change and try to get to a place where If she never comes back (not saying she isn't) you'll be okay with her decision. Just try to find out who YOU are thats how I got through my speed bumps in life
Author CompleteFailure Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 I lasted about 5-6 days NC and was doing alright. Broke NC out of urges I couldn't seem to hold back and now I'm in this sh.t where I want out but in a way that leaves her missing me like the first time around. When I started the NC we had a huge discussion that was really emotional and in the end I left how I wrote in my first post. That gave me a feeling of power and dignity taking control like that. Almost like I got a chance to dump the dumper. After breaking NC I saw how sad she was that I wasn't there. Now it's like she's able to let go or bury those feelings again and resume her "happy" life. I don't like it but I should be happy for her but I also want her to be miserable without me and at least miss me as hard. Day to day this is a horrible back and forth I have to deal with. It seems like I wanted my rotten cake and now I have to eat it. Thanks for your encouragement. Its just hard when the reality sets in that life with this other guy is so much easier for her. She might compare things but apart from the physical I think I would come up short. To paraphrase an article I read somewhere; It seems in the adult world of relationships - careers, finance and social status seem to trump all else.
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