HisSweety Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I don't understand why we OW seem to think that we must question everything out MM tells us ( sex with spouse , family life and etc ) . I went into this 3 years ago with no expectations of a " future " but lately the topic has come up . My marriage was lacking physical and emotional support , his the same . ( I know that some may say I have no idea about his marriage but I do , it is common knowledge at work that it is mainly for money and kids ) Mine is too . We have been spending as much time together as possible , ( they bought a vacation home about an hour from our hometown , no we do not meet there so we go to that area for dinner out and just to enjoy some time ) I don't ask anymore about their life together but a few thing have been on my mind , we were caught 6 months in , I told him to go home , I had no intention to give up my home and family at the time . Now I am thinking he is wishing we would have taken the chance . We met on their anniversary and made love and he told me that he wished that he could have the guts to be with me forever and that I should be the one he comes home to at night . I do think we would be great together but is it so wrong to enjoy what we have ? Is it so wrong to share the happiness we do ? I know one thing if we were both single things would be different . I was just thinking these things and wanted to know could it really be love ? Or are we just kidding ourselves ? I do love him and I do believe he loves me to , I just sometimes wonder what it would be like to wake up next to him everyday . I love watching him sleep and most times I wake up to him watching me with these loving blue eyes ! I guess I am just feeling a little sappy tonight sorry this is so long : )
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I do think we would be great together but is it so wrong to enjoy what we have ? Is it so wrong to share the happiness we do ? I know one thing if we were both single things would be different . If you two truly were in love and wanted to be together full time, each of you would come clean, tell your spouses, divorce and be together. Obviously there'd be complicated issues, (blended family and all) but counseling could help with all that. If people want a divorce, they do it! Tons of folks DO divorce. In your situation it just really seems you two are Ok with the affair as it is and neither of you are willing to leave and divorce, reguardless. Meaning, you won't divorce your H unless he divorces his wife. He won't divorce his wife unless you divorce your H. Neither of you want to lose 'home life' as it is and be on by yourselves, without the stability of marriage, house, family life, extended family, in laws, friends etc.. Nobody wants to give it up and start over. Yes it is wrong. I say tell your H you are unhappy, ask for an open marriage, see what he says. Keeping him in the dark (or was it your H or his W that found out about the A?) isn't good, sooner or later this will blow up and both of you could up together by default, not by choice. I was just thinking these things and wanted to know could it really be love ? Or are we just kidding ourselves ? I do love him and I do believe he loves me to , I just sometimes wonder what it would be like to wake up next to him everyday . I love watching him sleep and most times I wake up to him watching me with these loving blue eyes ! I guess I am just feeling a little sappy tonight sorry this is so long : ) You're being honest about how you feel and why, that's good. Pour it out but know the A is just an A, the love could all be there but neither of you are gonna D so enjoy the A for what it is and have no expectations/hope for it to be a 'real out in the open' R unless each of you divorce. you two know each other IN an affair setting, that's what this is all based on. Who knows if what you two share is strong enough, the glue is strong enough to keep you two together as a real couple if you were to D your spouses. Seems neither of you want to take that chance *just* in case it doesn't work out in the long run and you'd be losing all that you know and love now. Same with him. 1
carhill Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Since the M's apparently remain the priority, one potential is that the first person to make a move for the 'exit' door loses power and becomes vulnerable to the whims of the other. Right now things are pretty much equal. That can be an exigent impetus for continuing the status quo and enjoy the balanced power dynamic of the A separate from the M's. IMO, this is probably why more MW's approached me while M than while single. There was attraction to the power of the M, as well as safety, since it was less likely for a MM to become attached and a 'nuisance'. I've noted, since D, that the MW's, whether known or unknown, have largely faded into the background. It is interesting how people who can take pretty large risks with affairs are often risk-averse when it comes to making wholesale changes in their M. As a disclaimer, I'm a fMM and we did divorce. The fMW in question chose to remain with her current BF. That's how it goes sometimes. Nothing is forever. Good luck. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 (edited) I don't understand why we OW seem to think that we must question everything out MM tells us ( sex with spouse , family life and etc ) . I went into this 3 years ago with no expectations of a " future " but lately the topic has come up . My marriage was lacking physical and emotional support , his the same . ( I know that some may say I have no idea about his marriage but I do , it is common knowledge at work that it is mainly for money and kids ) Mine is too . We have been spending as much time together as possible , ( they bought a vacation home about an hour from our hometown , no we do not meet there so we go to that area for dinner out and just to enjoy some time ) I don't ask anymore about their life together but a few thing have been on my mind , we were caught 6 months in , I told him to go home , I had no intention to give up my home and family at the time . Now I am thinking he is wishing we would have taken the chance . We met on their anniversary and made love and he told me that he wished that he could have the guts to be with me forever and that I should be the one he comes home to at night . I do think we would be great together but is it so wrong to enjoy what we have ? Is it so wrong to share the happiness we do ? I know one thing if we were both single things would be different . I was just thinking these things and wanted to know could it really be love ? Or are we just kidding ourselves ? I do love him and I do believe he loves me to , I just sometimes wonder what it would be like to wake up next to him everyday . I love watching him sleep and most times I wake up to him watching me with these loving blue eyes ! I guess I am just feeling a little sappy tonight sorry this is so long : ) Oh, I am sure you both are in love with each other. Unfortunately love is often just not enough....Very sad... Have you both sat down and tried to figure out how to make it all work out? Staying in it and thinking that you both can just enjoy the benefits while not rocking the boat is just ridiculous. And the longer it goes on the worse its going to be. Figure out if you can do it, or both just go back home with hat in hand and accept that you cant. It will be tough, but you just cant continue without an exit strategy. TFOY Edited March 31, 2013 by thefooloftheyear 2
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Why the apostrophe in 'thought's'.....? Let me tell you something I discovered while I was actively involved in Counselling: You can tell far more by a person by what they DO - than what they SAY. Romance, is wonderful. When you're lying in bed, within the arms of your lover, and they whisper things such as "I wish I was with you, and not her" they're wonderful words to hear.... But guess what? They're just 'words'. Romantic, music to your ears, designed to make the experience heavenly, designed to let you hear what you so want to hear. The reality is this: You are still with your H and he is still with his wife. You still scrub, wash up and vacuum, and lead a hum-drum life and nothing has changed. And you know what? If you were to leave your H, and he were to leave his wife, and you were to end up together, in a month you would be vacuuming, washing up and scrubbing. Just like you are now. The 'Love' you feel is the escapism it brings you to be having an affair; the excitement, the secrecy, the unobligated commitment you have made to shagging yourself stupid with someone remote from you. If life really was so devastatingly boring for him (just money and kids - which is in itself, ridiculous) then what on earth forces him to stay? same with you. Staying for the sake of the kids is a pile of crap. It's utter rubbish. As millions of children from divorced parents will tell you. Thgere is no sense or logic in using kids as an excuse for not leaving, because it's been done countless times, and therefore the excuse doesn't wash. Money? What money? What money would be involved if he wasn't there? Same amount as is involved as he IS there. Honey, you're both in it for the diversion and difference, and nothing else. You're there quite simply because it's where you want to be and have chosen to be. Simple. Oh, I'm sure there are feelings there, there would have to be. But don't for one instant believe that they are life-changing, transformational and overwhelming, because they're not. The feelings are there precisely because there is no ultimate commitment to one another. The feelings you feel must once have been evident for your husband. So it's basically from one frying pan into another. 8
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Tara, fantastic post. This really needs to be copied and pasted on so many other threads. Hope it makes people stop and really think! 2
Got it Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Yes you guys can be together and yes it can be wonderful. But it can also fizzle and die as well. I understand the talk and the words, and the wishes but what do you and he actually plan to do? I am marrying my dMM soon. It does happen. But now isn't the time for thoughts and feelngs, now is the time for action and decisions (if you so choose). I disagree on the carte blanche coming clean but you need to do what you feel is right for you. What are you willing to do to make it happen and what is he willing to do? DMM has a saying, some people watch things happen, some people talk about things happening, and some people make sh*t happen.
MissBee Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I don't understand why we OW seem to think that we must question everything out MM tells us ( sex with spouse , family life and etc ) . I went into this 3 years ago with no expectations of a " future " but lately the topic has come up . My marriage was lacking physical and emotional support , his the same . ( I know that some may say I have no idea about his marriage but I do , it is common knowledge at work that it is mainly for money and kids ) Mine is too . We have been spending as much time together as possible , ( they bought a vacation home about an hour from our hometown , no we do not meet there so we go to that area for dinner out and just to enjoy some time ) I don't ask anymore about their life together but a few thing have been on my mind , we were caught 6 months in , I told him to go home , I had no intention to give up my home and family at the time . Now I am thinking he is wishing we would have taken the chance . We met on their anniversary and made love and he told me that he wished that he could have the guts to be with me forever and that I should be the one he comes home to at night . I do think we would be great together but is it so wrong to enjoy what we have ? Is it so wrong to share the happiness we do ? I know one thing if we were both single things would be different . I was just thinking these things and wanted to know could it really be love ? Or are we just kidding ourselves ? I do love him and I do believe he loves me to , I just sometimes wonder what it would be like to wake up next to him everyday . I love watching him sleep and most times I wake up to him watching me with these loving blue eyes ! I guess I am just feeling a little sappy tonight sorry this is so long : ) Why is his relationship common knowledge at work? I think that is weird. I'm not a fan of putting your business out there, esp, at your place of work. That is a red flag for me personally. How did you feel about your husband when you just got married/were dating? I ask, because the reality is that we can be attracted to several people in life and sometimes the A attraction is no more special than any other, it is just new. It would be then foolish to believe that leaving your life to be with your AP that you will forever feel as happy and in love as you do now...when truth is, they will eventually get stale too. What's wrong with your marriage? Would you ever get a divorce? If not....then all your wishes and hopes about "if you were single" kinda don't matter. If wishes were horses, beggars would ride. Love the life you have or take the chance and create a new one. But wishing....it won't help. 2
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