Splatty Posted September 12, 2004 Posted September 12, 2004 I was recently dumped and I am curious to hear what others think of my situation. The story: We were best friends for about a year when we decide to be more then friends. We were together for 4 and a half years. We never fought, we rarely got mad at each other. She just graduated her undergrad and in going into her masters, I have one term left at university. Recently I realized that I had put all my eggs in one basket. I mean I worked really hard at school but I did not have enough life experience. I also realized that most jobs is who you know and not what you know. I told her in June that I was going to travel and work for a year in New Zealand to gain life experience. Well in July her parents got divorced, the childhood home was sold and again she was starting a new chapter of school (her masters). Everything struck at once! July: I called her in early July and I could tell she was upset, we had a talk and she said that she did not want to count down the days till I left. In other words she felt like each time she saw me she would think that she was losing me. Also she felt that when I was telling her that I wanted to go to New Zealand that I was going to break-up with her. I told her that I actually had the opposite idea, I wanted to get engaged and I told her this. August: This is where it gets good, I think that I was better off having her think she was going to lose me. When she found out that I wanted to be commited she started pushing me away. "I feels like we are married already" she said. So after 4 and a half years she falls for a guy from work and actually starts dating him before I really even knew we were over. In this time that she is dating someone, unknown to me and pushing me away, I am trying to fix things for a month. During this fixing phase I thought that the divorce and other changes were the primary problems and not really us. When I found out she was dating and asked why she was dating someone else she said "he is different". I also got the I want to be friends line. I keep getting pushed farther away with every contact with her. So I emailed her and I said "I will not call you do not call me, if you want you can email me." This time apart got me thinking that about how young I am (23) and it made me question my love. I love someone who has now done some very hurtful things whatever the motives. September So I stopped all contact, I got an email after a week and a half it says "Do you know where the letter from my new boyfriend is at?" I gave a simple polite reply to her that I did not. I haven't talked to her since, I don't know why she wrote me that email but it really hurt. I actually saw her the day after the email, I walked into the Library at school saw her and walked out. Then I said to myself that she will not get the better of me. I went back in and waited for a computer used it and left. She watched me like a hawk as I left. A few days later I got an email from her "hope you had a great week at school. What do I owe you for fixing my computer?" I don't want to talk to her right now and I am afraid it would make me upset and not accomplish much so I sent her an email discused as a server error message that said that her message was not delivered to me. So she sent the message again so I sent an error message back saying that the message was not delivered to me and that the problem would not be fixed for 3-10 working days. Here is what I think: She got scared of commitment and pushed me away. She saw that I would be leaving and raced to someone else for comfort. She is dealing with a lot of family, life issues that are probably factors. She loves me but sees me as scary commitment guy, the other guy is no pressure guy. Why try to get back together if I am leaving the country anyway. Here is what I am doing: I am keeping myself busy, trying new things. I am trying to date new people (what my feelings will allow), hanging with supportive friends, focusing on my future. Letting love go, seeing if it comes back, while keeping my mind open to new relationships. Questions: I want to give her time and me time, I want to leave us a year or so while I am gone. Is this a good idea or is it too long? Should we still be friends? Is avoiding her positive or negative? Is my ability to see this break-up as a semi-positive (seeing the relationship problems, finding myself in the mean-time) a sign that we should not be together? Is the fact that I am curious about dating other people a sign that I don't love her? Is the hurtful email a sign that she does not want to be with me or a sign that she misses me? I like comments on anything...
jamwinswim Posted September 13, 2004 Posted September 13, 2004 Buddy, You've got a tough one there, and I feel your pain. Its a similar thing thats happening with my ex, and if you want you can read my post on here. But I find it admiral of you that you're being strong and initiating a good amount of NC. Obviously there is a lot of stuff going on with her family life, and I'm sure the situation between you doesn't help at all. Leaving the country.... Man thats a tough one. Me and my ex has similar issues with me too, cause I need to sort out my "working" situation within the next year or else Ill be forced to go back to England. And through experience, I know how stressful that can be in a relationship. What I can see is that you're doing a lot of things the same as me - trying to be around supportive friends, trying to date within reason, and trying new things (basically keeping busy). Anyone that reads this can see that you still love her, and you are definately in a complicated situation. First thing to look at is the reality of the situation. She seems like shes moved on, or at least claimed to have moved on to this new boyf. I know it eats you up inside, but one thing we must all realize is that we cant force anything. My suggestion is this - shes at a difficult period of her life, and needs her friends. Keep yourself busy, but when you see her, be real positive, and have fun. Think of it like being when you first started dating - nothing to lose, out to have fun, and basically painting the best picture that you can of yourself. At least then you would have given it your best effort. Then again, this NZ thing has got to play into mind also. If you really want her and love her, youre not going to be able to do it by being down around her. If you want to take a break anyways because of NZ, just be a friend. You're going to have an awesome year down there, and you will change because of it - with or without her in your life. You're taking your year, you now have to accept that you have to let go of her and let her be for a year too - there is very little chance that its going to pan out long distance, especially if she got with this guy before you were even out of the door. Dont avoid her, if shes around, shes around. Let her make her moves - if she says hello, say hello back, if she emails, email as much back as she gives you. If its general chit chat, give it straight back. Doing nothing and avoiding her is stubborn, and GUYS, being stubborn doesnt succeed. Swallow your pride a little, its well worth it. I can see you care Splatty, but keep being tough buddy. It seems like you're not really sure what you want either right now, so take the break, and find yourself. Enjoy your time left there in Canada - friends, family - you'll miss them. And if she falls into that category, so be it. You got to remember though, and this im finding true too - its a two way thing. chin up buddy, you'll be alright. ps - you're male, you're going to look at other girls. thats just human nature it doesnt mean that you dont love her. Take it easy mate.
Author Splatty Posted September 14, 2004 Author Posted September 14, 2004 jamwinswim thanks for the reply, I have read a lot of threads and you never what someone to reply that yours is a tough one. She is going through a lot of stuff all at once and she is confused, it going to be a great when some of her "issues" sink in and she freaks. Kinda glad that she is someone elses problem right now. Don't get me wrong I love her but she is messed right now. Everyone around her can see it, she will too in time. I might have moved away or moved on by then. I will just keep living my life.
jamwinswim Posted September 14, 2004 Posted September 14, 2004 Just keep living your life, and be true to yourself. You have a plan, and you know where you are going now, and if this is what you think will make you happy, then great. If you change for her, or change to allow her back in, then youre only living a lie. Be yourself, and if shes suppose to be, then you guys will get back together at some point down the road. Just let the man upstairs write the script, whatever your belief, he has a plan for us all. At least it seems like you have let go some, and you still have enough respect left for her that there is some love. Most people will be spiteful and hateful, and I commend you on being honest with your feelings, that should tell you something. Just be supportive when she needs you, and the rest let it be. If you were having a tough time of it, you would want your friends to be supportive. Just show her a little of that love, friendship love, if she wants it. Thats my advice - it might not be right or wrong, but eh? it might help I hope. Take it easy buddy.
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