SharkTooth Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Sorry to hear about your Grand Mother. She's simply being polite with a touch of guilt. Don't read anything else in to it. If you think about it, many folks come out of nowhere after a death. Your family will have thank you cards that were sent out to all who sent out there condolences . I would have the person who was in charge of that task send her out one.
Am4Real Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I see the perspectives of the other posters and frankly can agree with both views. Given that, it comes down to YOU and what you really know about HER. If she is the type of person to reach out and care about someone or something, then the likelihood of this being a genuine good wish for you is high? However, if this type of thing seems out of character, then you know the impetuous for her communication and can better decide if responding is good for your well-being. But what about you? Are you healed? Does she still mean something to you? Do you still think about her often and have feelings? If so, then I understand your predicament. Somehow in your inquiry I suspect there is a glimmer of hope [from you] that this note has meaning, perhaps a step towards reconciliation and you’re afraid if you read it that way and you’re wrong you will end up backwards in pain, reliving the breakup. Could this be so; is this what you secretly hope for? If you do, that’s fine, but you are right in hesitating to respond because the odds are huge this note is just a “note” of condolences and nothing else. Are you a gambler? This is why some of the posters are cautioning you about responding. [highlight]However, until we know what you really want, what you may or may not be secretly hoping for, it’s hard to give you the advice you may want.[/highlight] Why? Because taking the note at its face value, not knowing the writer is an EX, it reads like any condolences note might read between old friends who have had some hardships in life [crap is what she called it] and all we’re doing is guessing. In other words, let’s make this thread about YOU and not about HER as we write more. 2
siankat Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 i dont know ur relationship at all but i get the feeling that maybe the two of you are not completely on different pages about things and that the power dynamic was relatively equal so...u dont have to do anything. Or do what u think is respectful to you and her. If you are harbouring thoughts of getting back together....do u think the problems of the past are resolvable or would it require one or both of you to have a personality transformation?
Author Echo000 Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 ok- i normally try avoiding tons of details/long passages about my relationship because I feel people wont wanna read it, but I will here and now because you guys say I should! here it goes: My ex was my first real gf..lost my virginity to her and really loved her. I come from a stable background- two great parents, solid economic status, and well educated. I attend a top 20 university now, and work on the side. My ex comes from the opposite background- single parent who is dysfunctional, had multiple sexual partners before me and two previous bfs, and has always done very poorly in school (currently a student at a community college and works as well because she comes from a economically poor background). SO, from her history (no father, an incident of sexual abuse, and a degree of promiscuity), she had a ton of issues. She was very clingy, jealous, and had drugie friends (even though she herself did not do drugs). All this were constant sources of conflict because I did not like these elements of the relationship. I loved her though, and there was plenty of good. But, by my second year of college, it just got to be enough. I felt stifled and wanted to experience new things. I suggested a break (mistake- breaks are for people too weak/naive to break it off completely), and after a ton of garbage it degenerated into a break up. She told me she was done, and when I asked her why she had loved me she said "well, I thought you were different and you were sweet in the beginning"..lol wtf kinda thing is that to say? Anyway, I pulled classic stuff and tried so hard getting her back. When I finally accepted she was indeed done, she comes back with "lets try, but you are gonna have to prove it to me that you are good for me and I cant forgive you yet for what you have 'done'". Im proud to say I did not accept that-- I was not interested in being her bi**h and told her we could either forgive and move forward or not try at all. She could not forgive, and said we shouldnt try. I said okay..and said goodnight. That was 10 weeks ago. Who is she, and how do I feel now? From my experience with her, she probably has missed me (she has done weird things..like texted my best friend who she had not spoken to since we split and made small talk, visited my friends house to visit his little sister who she never really knew at all..) but I agree with you guys, probably thats where the analysis ends.I think she cares about me to a degree and feels bad because she knows how much i loved my grandmother. And ME? Full honesty? Yeah I have missed her, and thought about her every single day. I have felt a ton of anger and resentment along with that feeling of absence, however. But I still do love her. But I know the truth, unless she could seriously mature I just could not be with her again. And thats hard to say, and hard to fully accept, but I know it (in my brain at least, if not in my heart). And I am scared as hell to even respond, because as soon as I do I feel like I will give a little of the power away that I got from her breaking no contact (sounds immature, but its simply a mental coping game I play with myself in regards to the "power" thing). Guess I feel fear. And uncertainty. WHAT DO YALL THINK NOW! haha that was long
targaryen Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 It was long, but I read through all of it. It's interesting to see the whole situation in its full complications. Unfortunately it does seem that you have issues that would resurface if you get back together. That's why I think Am4Real said it best regarding to your original post - if you're still harbouring hope for reconciliation then you might be reading things in the note she sent and building up your own fear/apprehension. Take it from someone who spent four years in a relationship which should have ended after two years. Sometimes it's better to move on. Just say thanks for the thought, don't overthink, don't reply again, and continue with your life and NC
Author Echo000 Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 Yea your right..if she had wanted to be in contact with me she would have texted me (not sent me an email). Plus, the email (while nice) is so formal. Weird to see such formality from someone you used to be so close with. I can tell she spent a lot of time writing that. But yeah I mean I am the type that does not simply ignore people..she did that to me and I never have any intention on doing that to someone after feeling how bad that hurts. But besides that there is nothing left to do i suppose
siankat Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 i dont want to stir things but i kinda disagree... I read through ur post but honestly...i still am not clearer about why u guys actually broke up! I know u said u wanted to experience new things, then asked for a break, then she broke it off..... But did she ever tell u the reasons why she broke it off? Like were they things u could have compromised on (when u say she wanted u to be her b****, what exactly did that entail?) It sounds like u couldnt give her what she wanted so she walked after trying to tell u what she needed from you (did i understand that correctly?) And when u said no, she bailed. That doesnt mean she doesnt still love u too. Are the things resolvable i guess is what i would ask myself. I really think she still cares...i know other people have said different but...i doubt she waited that month cos it escaped her mind on a daily basis, id say she has been working up to that for a month. The only reason u know she found out about ur granma (may her soul rest in peace), was cos someone told u she knew, otherwise for all u know...she could have found out the day b4 writing u. I wouldnt judge her on that, seriously. Its not like she could have helped in any way at the time (i believe) and might have thought that by getting in touch would have added to your emotional stress. Just my 10 cents worth
Author Echo000 Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 Yeah I mean you raise some good points. To clarify--she was very serious about the relationship--too serious though. I am in my early twenties and she was ridiculously jealous and constantly questioning me as well. This pushed me farther away to want the break, which is what eventually happened. She got super mad one night when she saw me flirting with another girl (i was really drunk, i apologized for flirting with another girl in front of her), but apparently that pushed her over the edge. Like I'v mentioned earlier, she also thought I was flirting with her friend and texted me that we were done and that I should not contact her anymore (without even letting me talk to her). After that, we eventually did meet up but she wanted to hold the flirting thing over my head. She said that was SO MESSED UP of me and she would need time to forgive me. She even said that she would have her friends judge me to see if I was "good for her"..blah blah blah. After a year and a half of dating, she should be able to decide that on her own. SO, i said i wanted a new start without all the crap that brought us down this past the first go around, and she said no i would need to prove to her all this stuff in order to simply be forgiven. Because she couldnt forgive me (for such a stupid thing), i refused to go on and she walked away. Hence, her wanting me to be her bi**h. So 10 weeks will have officially passed since that time by this upcoming Tuesday. Her email came early Friday morning (3 24am), and that is where I am at now with all this. What you thinking about all that based on that information?
cavalier99 Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I still think just forget about it and keep up the NC!
siankat Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 hmm i see it like this. as you made a point of mentioning that u are in ur early 20's and therefore she was too serious about the relationship in ur mind as u are only 20 something... In ur early 20's there is still a lot of competition going on in ur life in i would say all aspects, work, studies, family, friends, because ur early 20s are a time of big dreams and mapping out a future and sticking to it as ...that is ur dream! u choose it, u will work for it, that is what it will be, no? So there is a lot of anticipation of the future at that age. Then u reach the age u were dreaming of having accomplished all these things by...and u realise it looks different. Hopefully u will be pleasantly surprised by some things and glad that some dreams came true (although guaranteed they will look a bit different than how u imagined), and still working on others (i never advocate abandoning dreams;) The point of me saying this is that, ur comment seemed to suggest u still want to see whats out there and ur emotions for her are distracting you, naturally u are a bit preoccupied. But none the less u seem to want to explore other possibilities and opportunities further. I think this is only healthy. I am naturally monogamous and am as the psych books would call it 'emotionally available'. I was also pretty hardcore in relationships, serious, demanding a lot etc gave a lot too. The reason i mention that is even because i am like that, even i would say, explore, then u will know what u truly want one day. If you and her get back in touch, mess it up again cos u got in touch cos u were lonely, missed each other, didnt want to miss this 'chance', i would advise against it. If there is really something there, u can reconnect at a later date down the line. Believe me i know it might feel like it all has to be 'now'. But what u go for now might not be there later because it was destroyed beyond all repair through immaturity or something else. what u hold off on now...might be an option later. Im even talking about years down the line. Having the long breath. I believe that what is for u wont go passed u. Its hard to advise more without just giving advice that would apply to me but....what are ur reasons for wanting to return to her in the near future? Those would be worth contemplating honestly and then deciding to go with ur decision, or against it. And its not something that if she ever did ask you about, that u have to keep a secret. Be open about what u think and what it means for u. First u have to know what that is.
siankat Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 ps u are both the same ppl so a new start forgetting the crap is wishful thinking as u are the same as u were before, same dynamic, therefore same result. U guys would need to communicate, not blame, and agree on what needs changing and if that is possible! ( if u go down that road at any point)
Author Echo000 Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 Thanks for the advice..I hear ya. I do. Iv been thinking about her email wayyy too much the past two days. its made me feel all types of things.. but she isnt a bad girl. She means well. but she has done a lot that hurt me (which is naturally what happens when people break up, so I dont mean to vilify her). Guess a lesson to take out of things also is that, if being angry helps you move on than that is a healthy anger. but if you let that anger sit for too long, then it becomes poison that will only burn at you. We are all just human beings, trying to all coexist on this blue dot called Earth. 1
Author Echo000 Posted April 7, 2013 Author Posted April 7, 2013 figured id update this..i ended up emailing a response back about five days later (sounds weird but I wanted to get to 70 days no contact and i was only five days away so I waited because of that). I said the following: "Hi Ex, Thanks for your thoughts and condolences. My grandmother was a beautiful woman, and she continues to live on in the hearts of those who love her. She forever resides in my heart and mind. It indeed has been a bit of time! I hope school and work are going great for you, and that you, your grandmother, and your mother are all in good health. Life can change in a blink of the eye, so we must all live life to the fullest. -Echo00" That was sent five days ago, and she did not respond. Which is okay, I did not really write anything that could be responded to (which was the point)..although I guess it does make me wonder why she bothered sending me the original email (i guess because she was lonely or felt guilty she never contacted me sooner about my grandmas death). Anyway, what do you guys think?
siankat Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 i would expect the unexpected as her last email to you came at a random time (in context) and was obviously carefully thought out and yet had no real message to it. The word sporadic comes to mind. Everyone is different and therefore responds differently to these kind of situations but one thing we all do, is what we feel we need to, for ourselves, even if it goes against taking the high road. And in this case, low to almost no contact is what she (and you), feel you need to do. You reasons may be different though (e.g. she may be indifferent and your reason maybe that your pride or sanity is the thing you hold dearest). Whatever it is, for each of you, the greatest need isn't to rekindle at the moment it seems, from either side. 1
cavalier99 Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 I think this is the perfect time to block her email and continue with NC and forget about her.! Cav 3
ThatJustHappened Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 I think this is the perfect time to block her email and continue with NC and forget about her.! Cav I second this!! :bunny: Bunnies for Cav! 1
Author Echo000 Posted April 7, 2013 Author Posted April 7, 2013 my only issue with comments like cavs is that you guys make it sound so simple. Will blocking it really allow me to move on? Its been almost 80 days now..iv done NC right. But I still got love for her.. eh guess im saying nonsense. and siankat your right..her email had ZERO message in it. Guess its bothering me because I want to know why she sent it..even tho yes I know it "doesnt matter". None of it does. I get it. But still sucks big time.
Author Echo000 Posted April 7, 2013 Author Posted April 7, 2013 Oh ya and I also want to know what y'all think about the email I replied back with. Simply this: I isn't come across as weak or anything right? What did u guys think about my email.. All I wanted was to come across simple and together. U think it Was okay?
GB25 Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 Oh ya and I also want to know what y'all think about the email I replied back with. Simply this: I isn't come across as weak or anything right? What did u guys think about my email.. All I wanted was to come across simple and together. U think it Was okay? Bro, take a deep breath and relax. You are wayyyy over analyzing this, trust me i am guilty of over analyzing every little thing also that pertains to my ex but it gets you no where. Yes you're email back to her was fine and no you didnt seem weak, but thats the exact problem when you break NC you second guess every little thing you should have said/done. Like I said the analyzing thing is hard not to do but you have to just move on and stop worrying why she emailed you. We can sit here and make assumptions and tell you what we think but the only person that knows is her. So take it at face value as a condolence out of courtesy. 2
CompleteFailure Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 "Hey "echo000", This email is long over due I hope all is going well for you with school and work just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you and hope you are doing well. i am sorry i didnt contact you sooner after I heard about your grandmother. I know how much you loved her. But I just wanted to let you know my heart goes to you and family and I hope things have been holding up well for you. I know it's been a bit now but if you need anything you know I'm here no matter what crap we have been through . Things like this push all that aside . Anywho hope all is well Best wishes, "Ex" When you go NC, she goes NC too. It probably isn't easy to send an email first. She starts the email light and seems sincere. She's sorry she didn't contact you cause she was afraid. Maybe its fear of how you would respond, possibly reject her(the email). Her condolences seem sincere(why would she even bother writing you if she wasn't?). That last bit about her being there for you is just to sound nice and make her feel better. She doesn't really want you to contact her with your problems. Even if she means it. She ends it open ended for you to respond. figured id update this..i ended up emailing a response back about five days later (sounds weird but I wanted to get to 70 days no contact and i was only five days away so I waited because of that). I said the following: "Hi Ex, Thanks for your thoughts and condolences. My grandmother was a beautiful woman, and she continues to live on in the hearts of those who love her. She forever resides in my heart and mind. It indeed has been a bit of time! I hope school and work are going great for you, and that you, your grandmother, and your mother are all in good health. Life can change in a blink of the eye, so we must all live life to the fullest. -Echo00" Anyway, what do you guys think? Good for you with the 70 days, that sounds impossible to me at this time. I like this first paragraph subtly jabbing her, implying she didn't give a hoot and that you have the capacity to love someone so much and keep them in mind. Second paragraph seems like you're being the bigger person and hoping everything is good with her. The start sounds a bit formal though. That last sentence seems kind of preachy, but it obviously implies the breakup, that you now see life in different light and are in a mindset of grabbing it by the reigns and enjoying everything it has to offer. Like you said, there isn't much to respond with. Kind of sounds like a "I appreciate your email, but I'm going to live my life as great as I can with or without you." If she does send something back, I'd expect it to be at some random time as well. You waited 5 days, she probably sees that as some kind of game that she might play as well. I wouldn't be expecting anything since I don't think you were to begin with anyways. 2
Author Echo000 Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 haha thanks guys..honestly i do overanalyze and I agree 100 percent with both of ya. Thanks for taking the time to respond..you guys really made me smile. To know someone would read my story and respond made my night. Hope you guys know that you made a difference. Yeah, I definitely have no expectations anymore. I am not trying to play any games, just trying to be a bigger and better man with each day that I am given.
Damsel in Distress Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 I think your response sounds fine - carefully worded, careful not to provoke a response. I agree with the poster who said parts of it, while focused on your loss, have an undercurrent jab about the loss of the breakup. I also think the fact that you waited 5 days - surely she will analyze that herself (in the same way you analyzed why she waited 30 days to send hers. I think if you didn't have the support of LS it's likely you would have handled this in a much different way. If I hadn't heard about NC I could imagine calling her immediately after receiving it (taking her up on the offer of support) and letting the phone call turn into an emotional and self-defeating attempt to get her back. So congratulations for having control and self-respect and handling it LC as possible. It seems to me this was her sending a courtesy condolence and you sending a courtesy acknowledgement - civil, but carefully non-emotional. So we are always warned about the fallout of breaking NC. How are you feeling about responding to her and then her not responding? Are you finding her taking up more of your mental space than before? Are you feeling any emotional setbacks? 1
cavalier99 Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 (edited) my only issue with comments like cavs is that you guys make it sound so simple. Will blocking it really allow me to move on? Its been almost 80 days now..iv done NC right. But I still got love for her.. eh guess im saying nonsense. and siankat your right..her email had ZERO message in it. Guess its bothering me because I want to know why she sent it..even tho yes I know it "doesnt matter". None of it does. I get it. But still sucks big time. Well bro. I do understand. I was exactly were you were. I guess at 6 months NC i just cut to the chase faster with my advise. Here is the deal. It IS simple BUT it is hard. You stay NC like your life depends on it. You dont let your mind trick you into breaking it because it will try. Its like you are in a dark tunnell and cant see the light at the other side around the curve. But it is there! 80 Days is great but it really isnt that long. Its still going to be tough and you will feel like you are regressing at points. BUT as long as you dont break NC i promise eventually youll start slipping into indifference. The gut wrenching pain will begin to recede. It will get duller. Then it will come back at times. But eventually youll get over it. Im doing really really good recently and can say for certain im getting over my 8 year RS. At month 4 I was still a mess at times. YOU JUST KEEP ON GOING! You can do it bro. Rock on! Cav Edited April 8, 2013 by cavalier99 2
Author Echo000 Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 good advise and insight-- I sincerely appreciate it. How do I feel about my response? Well, it was the first words she received from me in 70 days...so I felt weird finally writing something to her after all that thought and restraint. I think it set me back a little, but not too much. I figured if I didnt hear a response from her by today (seeing as its been 5 days now since i responded), then i wouldnt hear from her again. And that sucked earlier today, but I have already accepted that and that is quite alright. Her email was so..concocted. So thought out--but in a way that was void of any meaning. Just words. If she really wants to say something to me, she would. So I just take her email as a condolence email seeing as 1. It was so formal (despite its weird timing) and 2. because it left me nothing to really respond with. I wasnt about to be like "YES I NEED YOUR HELP NOW!" haha so i guess she said that out of courtesy. who knows. With that said, i like my response. I like that i took my time to respond..i wanted to get to 70 days dammit! And unless she has something real to say, there was no point saying anything real back/anything of real meaning. SO, I guess it set me back a little (iv been thinking about her a lot) but in truth I always think about her a lot, so overall it wasnt too bad. I am the type that just doesnt ignore people (unless they did something really bad). I know how hurtful it is, and I think acknowledgment of her email was the right thing to do. YA KNOW? 1
Damsel in Distress Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 SO, I guess it set me back a little (iv been thinking about her a lot) but in truth I always think about her a lot, so overall it wasnt too bad. I am the type that just doesnt ignore people (unless they did something really bad). I know how hurtful it is, and I think acknowledgment of her email was the right thing to do. YA KNOW? I'm not the type that can just ignore people either, so I'm glad you found a way to acknowledge her email in a careful way that didn't set either one of you back in healing any more than it had to. I'm sure there was some setback for you both because it was the first contact in so long, but it was calm and unemotional... seemed to follow the guidelines of Limited Contact. I'm glad you got through this and are happy with the way it went. Stay strong.
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