Echo000 Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 (edited) Quick background- My grandma passed away about a month ago..my ex heard from another member in my family that my gma died (day before my bday actually). This is what she sent me yesterday at 3:24 AM "Hey "echo000", This email is long over due I hope all is going well for you with school and work just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you and hope you are doing well. i am sorry i didnt contact you sooner after I heard about your grandmother. I know how much you loved her. But I just wanted to let you know my heart goes to you and family and I hope things have been holding up well for you. I know it's been a bit now but if you need anything you know I'm here no matter what crap we have been through . Things like this push all that aside . Anywho hope all is well Best wishes, "Ex" What do you guys think about this? I have not responded Edited March 30, 2013 by Echo000 typo
singme2sleep Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 Well after you read it, what was your first reaction?
cavalier99 Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 Sorry about your grandma. Dont break NC. Cav 1
Author Echo000 Posted March 30, 2013 Author Posted March 30, 2013 Well after you read it, what was your first reaction? I thought it was strange that she decided to 1. send this at 3 30 in the morning and 2. that she decided now (after over 1 month since my grandma passed) to send that email. What do you think about the email?
Author Echo000 Posted March 30, 2013 Author Posted March 30, 2013 Sorry about your grandma. Dont break NC. Cav You think I should not acknowledge it at all? What do you think about the email cav?
cavalier99 Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 (edited) I thought the email was nice. Unfortunatley a response while polite will potentially open the door to more communication and will be bad for you emotionally and will make her think your cool with everything. Im sure others will disagree but id say stay NC. Dont worry about appearing impolite. She understands..not that it matters. Also if you dont respond to this she will definitly get the message you want NO contact and will be doing yourself a BIG favor in the long run. You really need to look out for yourself. Tell her in a year you appreciated the email if you still want to. My 2 cents. Cav Edited March 30, 2013 by cavalier99 1
singme2sleep Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 I thought it was strange that she decided to 1. send this at 3 30 in the morning and 2. that she decided now (after over 1 month since my grandma passed) to send that email. What do you think about the email? I think the fact that she waited a month, could mean she was hesitant to reach out, not knowing if you'd want to hear from her. To me it seems as if she is genuinely concerned about how, knowing you were close to your gma. Whether or not you should respond, well that's up to you. Personally I would, though you know her and I don't, so you have to decide that. It may sound corny but listen to your heart. 1
siankat Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 hey echo..can u give more details of the breakup...i was in the same situation but in her shoes..i might be able to provide some clarity
Author Echo000 Posted March 30, 2013 Author Posted March 30, 2013 Great advice guys-- different perspectives but both mature approaches. This is my breakup in a nutshell. I had been wanting out originally (due to a lot of problems in the relationship), but she ended up pulling the plug. We had been broken up, yet we had still been talking/hooking up. When she saw me flirting with another girl one night (i got drunk- did nothing more than flirt) she went ballistic. The final straw for her was when she thought i was flirting with an old friend of hers as well (not true). She sent me a text saying "Im done, please dont contact me anymore. thanks". Tried getting her back, but she only would if i basically acted as her b**ch. I said no I wanted a new, mature relationship. She couldnt "forgive me", so we broke off for good. That was two and a half months ago and been NC since that time.
siankat Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 I know that when i send a sober message at that time of the night...ive been procrastinating about it all day and finally hit the send button after many edits Shes already said she has been thinking of you, the message is long overdue (could mean shes been thinking about sending that message for a month!) In my situation, i split up with my ex but i believe he had already checked out the relationship. A few lame attempts to contact me after i broke it off gently and respectfully, then a month later he apologised and said he understood now why i left. He didnt address the real reason i left actually so i sent a message back, going for the truth...in the jugular...no name calling or anything just 'ok this is why i broke it off, get the point, u know it already anyway as they were ur actions' Then 3 weeks later i saw on his facebook he was hooked up to and EKG monitor (one of those 24 hour ones), and so i wrote him 'I saw your post. Im still here for u if you need me despite everything that has happened' THe reason i sent that was because i really did still care about him and am the type of person anyway to give practical support and go out of my way for someone in need (doesnt even need to be that close to me). On another lever...deeper in the subconscious ...i had to admit i was glad for the opportunity to reach out to him without it being about 'us'. He wrote back 'thanks, hes actually ok, was an electric shock, (insert a cupla self deprecating jokes)' The end. I wrote back twice. Once straight away saying i was glad he was ok. 2nd was the next morning saying i hoped the cramps had eased up and that the doctor gave him the all clear to discharge him etc' We never asked each other a single leading question... I never heard from him again.
siankat Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 i just read ur post after writing mine....sounds earily similar....do u want to rekindle something with her or make sure it really is over? Or do u just want to know what is the right thing to do. And the answer to that always is.,...the right thing is doing what is right for u as in...give you what u most want But what do u want with her...?
Author Echo000 Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 I honestly dont know..she put me through a lot..said some mean things to me and completely ignored me in the end. Really hurt and past two and a half months have been really hard. But I still do love her. Theres no doubt about that. But who knows...you know?
cavalier99 Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I honestly dont know..she put me through a lot..said some mean things to me and completely ignored me in the end. Really hurt and past two and a half months have been really hard. But I still do love her. Theres no doubt about that. But who knows...you know? Ignore it. Believe me youll be stronger for it. Cav
iouaname Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I thought it was strange that she decided to 1. send this at 3 30 in the morning and 2. that she decided now (after over 1 month since my grandma passed) to send that email. What do you think about the email? I think that she's saying "Hey, I'm lonely tonight at 3:30 in the morning so I want to make contact. Even though it's a month later and so clearly, there's nothing that I'm actually going to be able to do for you about your grandmother now, I'm going to disguise this selfish email as an email that's actually meant to do you a favor." "Things like that get pushed aside in times like these." Times like these? Times like... a month ago? Then why did she not actually push those things aside a month ago to get in contact with you? I don't mean to sound harsh. I'm sure on some level she cares about you. What are your feelings for your ex, exactly? Do you hope to reconcile? Is that part of what you're hoping to get out of NC or do you actually believe the relationship is over and not want to get back together with her? 3
Author Echo000 Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 wow..you are so right. Why wasnt all "that crap" pushed aside a month ago when I was spending my birthday at my grandmothers funeral? I really did not see it like that. It is selfish--and she is making it out to be a favor to me! damn. And as for my feelings..like I said I still lover her. There is NO way i would ever jump back into a relationship with her.. not after all this work going no contact for nearly 10 weeks now. its been tough to have her so completely out of my life though..yuck idk whole thing has been hard. ANY OTHER THOUGHTS?
Mayfare Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 When my dad passed away I was surprised by the audacity some people had to approach me and offer their condolences. People offer sympathies because they feel like it's the "right" thing to do, not because they want to actually be your support and help you out in any sincere way. If she wouldn't approach you on any other day, she has no place to try and insert herself in your life now. She simply wants validation that she's a good person, that's all. This is coming from another female, btw. If I'm concerned about someone I care about then I will be in their life when they need me, not a month later. 2
Author Echo000 Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 I agree with you..i mean does she think i am dumb? That i would buy the idea that "she has my back through thick and thin" bulls**t? Where was she a month ago..when she knew I was forced to leave university to spend a week at my grandmothers home mourning her passing? She comes a month later..and sends this email at 3 30 AM? You think thats just pure selfishness or something?
Mayfare Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I mean I don't think she realizes what she's doing is selfish, because she thinks she's doing what a good person would do, but it actually is very selfish. I'm sure she's contacting you with good intentions, but they're very misguided. I don't think people know how to handle someone else's loss very well unless they've been there themselves. When I lost my dad I was in my last few weeks of high school with extremely immature friends. So many kids apologized to me that I barely knew or openly disliked haha. The people that helped me the most were the ones that were in my life every day and continued to be in my life like nothing happened. Losing someone you love SUCKS, but it's not the end of your world (and this is from someone who lost her single father at a young age, your life does go on because it has to). Those who care about you want to stabilize your shaky world, not jump into it unexpectedly.
Mayfare Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Honestly, she probably just feels bad and wants to help. That doesn't mean she wants to work on your relationship at all, it just means she wants to do the right thing and doesn't know what that is. The unfortunate truth is that when she pulled the plug it made it not her place to help anymore and that's something you'll both have to struggle with.
robaday Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I think its a really nice email and I think she spent some time debating whether to send it, hence the delay. Shes saying that all things aside, shes there for you, it was probably very dificult for her to send it. If you are gonna respond, I would stay well clear of mentioning the relationship. Would also not talk about any pain you are going through, you dont want her sympathy. Personally, I would reply but make it very very brief, and thank her for the sentiments and say perhaps you can talk further down the line. Otherwise just ignore. It doesnt look like she typed it drunk, but is likely she sent it drunk. Ive written a number of emails to my ex and theyve sat in the draft folder of my email for months.....
GudDude2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I would respond with, "Thank you for your condolences". And leave it at that. I would not go past that with any other conversation. You are healing in more ways than one, and I think you should continue doing just that. Although technically this is breaking NC, but not really. This is the only appropriate response. Condolences! 1
Author Echo000 Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 Yea you guys are right..I am not trying to read into it or anything. Only thing I do take from it is that she has been thinking of me..and looks like it took a lot for her to write and send that email. There really isnt much I could say back.
Author Echo000 Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 Sorry about your grandma. Dont break NC. Cav I mean I don't think she realizes what she's doing is selfish, because she thinks she's doing what a good person would do, but it actually is very selfish. I'm sure she's contacting you with good intentions, but they're very misguided. I don't think people know how to handle someone else's loss very well unless they've been there themselves. When I lost my dad I was in my last few weeks of high school with extremely immature friends. So many kids apologized to me that I barely knew or openly disliked haha. The people that helped me the most were the ones that were in my life every day and continued to be in my life like nothing happened. Losing someone you love SUCKS, but it's not the end of your world (and this is from someone who lost her single father at a young age, your life does go on because it has to). Those who care about you want to stabilize your shaky world, not jump into it unexpectedly. Honestly thats why I try not telling anyone of the death. Because people (especially those who dont even know you) offer meaningless thoughts and act differently around you. As for the ex, I think she is using my grandmas death to get in touch with me.
thefooloftheyear Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 As for the ex, I think she is using my grandmas death to get in touch with me. At the risk of being a wet blanket, I wouldnt get your hopes up. If she wanted to get in touch with you she could have at any time, right? TFOY
targaryen Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 (edited) While I agree that ideally you should maintain NC, I think if you don't answer she WILL think that you still care and are hurting. The trick is how you handle it. I suggest a short & simple 'thank you, appreciate the thought, take care' email will suffice. If you choose not to answer at all she won't ever contact you again, which is good - but the overall impression of you will remain that you were not mature enough to appreciate the gesture. Keep in mind - even if she did do this out of selfish reasons (she did) our minds tend to convince us that we are 'righteous' and her perception of the action IS indeed that she wants to show that she cares. If you don't answer she will see you as the bad guy/the guy who couldn't distinguish between love/relationship BS and "genuine" condolences. The tone of the email, coupled with the fact she sent it a month later at night, suggests she's been agonizing about sending it. It's all about HOW you answer. PS: Do NOT reply back to a potential second email. Do NOT expect a second reply. Responding it about YOU managing how others perceive you. Trust me, I've been there. You don't want her to start labelling you within your social circle as the guy not mature enough to 'sweep aside' past relationship BS while painting herself as a saint for reaching out. Protect your brand/identity, if you will. Edited March 31, 2013 by targaryen forgot to say something
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