dreamingoftigers Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 He hasn't placed any blame on me and that is why she is lashing out at me, he has taken it all on himself and she doesn't believe it she thinks I've brainwashed him. She has even said this herself to me I'm sorry to hear about your father, and even more about your D who was taken from you, that post has opened my eyes and really angered me because this could of happened to me! He isn't a serial cheat this is the first time he has strayed from his marriage in 30 years and he fully admits the attention I gave him was hard to resist, he knows he should resisted and walked away but as many say he wanted to test the water with someone else. Something just doesn't fit. Did SS share with you the allegations they were investigating? (I don't know how they do things in the UK). Thank you for your empathy. I made peace with my parent's issues awhile ago. Damage done. Life goes on. My mother and I reached a better understanding a couple of weeks ago after years of things being rather stagnant. I've accepted the reality with my husband too. It has been slowly changing for the better. He comes out of his shell slowly to see if it's safe with me still. It will be a long time for him. He is very emotionally damaged and has a lot of work ahead. He has a constant fear of being controlled or disliked by me and others. But I can't clean any of that up for him. It just feeds the insecurities in the long run. My daughter is doing well. She is shy and wary with people for the first few minutes of meeting them. Otherwise she is a very happy little girl. I am concerned about her having ADD because, well, both her parents do. It makes life just that much more challenging. As for your rage in dealing with SS, don't show it to them. Not one iota. Do not share your indignant rage with anyone in that town. Not a soul. Don't share how much they've pissed you off. Not until the investigation is complete. Have they given you a timeframe? Or are they just dismissing the complaint? Document everything. Do you have a lawyer? I suggest you get one just in case, keep him/her on retainer until the investigation is closed. I would never take a chance again. After my daughter was seized, I gave them not one tear, not one biting remark aside from blunt, well-articulated complaints about the way they were treating my daughter and the overblowing of the circumstance. The tenseness and psychological pain pushes one to the brink. A lot of parents somewhat lose it at any given point in the process. I decided right from day one that they get no reaction like that from me. EVER. No tears, no anger, nothing that they can twist and try to exploit to build their case. I considered them the enemy that I had to negotiate with to have my daughter released. I treated each discussion with absolute care. I choked every avenue of information about my life and marriage outside of the professional assessors. And yet gave the much-needed appearance of co-operation. I decided shortly after they took her, that they could NEVER kill my relationship with my child. Even if they kept her forever. There were plenty of women around the world that have lost their children to death, and that's permanent. It made me feel lucky that wasn't the circumstance I was facing. Even if SS had kept my daughter, I could do something each day in relation to her. I could be her mother until the day I died regardless of what happened with her custody. If I had been denied contact, I could do something every single day to improve the world that she would be growing up in. I could save money for her education for when she turns 18 if she would like that. If she died, I could do things for other children in her memory. SS could never completely dissolve our bond. Physically she carried my blood. Neurologically, I had bonded with her in infancy up until the day the took her. There would always be the effects of me with her. Her dopamine regulation throughout adulthood would be thanks to how I was affectionate etc to her in infancy up to 18 months. I would never completely leave her. Considering that, SS (known here as CFS) lost power. All that was between myself and my daughter was time and a physical barrier. Truth be told, my husband's infidelity and consequent marital issues toughened me up for two and a half years before that. I could handle most heartbreak like it was Tuesday afternoon. Losing my daughter was the most devastating thing, but it was also the most strengthening. I also knew I would never stop fighting for her. There was no "move on." I sent notes to her foster home every week. I consistently campaigned for increased access to her for myself, her father and her friends. I wrote letters and letters and letters detailing my progress with my terms, my impressions of how T was doing. Concerns I had regarding her care. Pushing for the terms to be expedited (which universally they were, I was told they regularly take a year, I pushed them through in roughly three months. The court order was for six months). I also made money hand over fist to keep fighting and keep everything afloat. I aggravated the piss out of some of them. But in a way that had to be noted, and not frivolous. I tracked every piece of paper, took notes on every conversation and kept them all in T's binder. Meanwhile I was going to group with women who had used their men like punching bags or had been used like punching bags I was seeing parents so dysfunctional that one ripped the waiting room phone out of the wall and hucked it at the wall repeatedly until they were forced to clear out. Thank God I had my dog. 1
angie2443 Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 He hasn't placed any blame on me . You can never know this, though. 4
lilmisscantbewrong Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 You can never know this, though. This is so true. You can never know what he is really saying - believe me. I don't think I would be treated as poorly by my XMM"s parents or a few friends who completely abandoned me and my family if he had not placed more than his share of the blame on me. They will do and say what is needed to save their a$$. Doesn't make you love them less though, I know. 2
Author TheOW Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 But I do know this, small town remember ? She talks, they talk and it goes round and round! (Hate that about small towns) maybe she wouldn't be after me as much if he did blame shift maybe that's easier to accept I don't know. Dreaming: how awful :-( no the SS said they were not following up there was nothing to follow up my house is gleaming, my kids are well cared for, I don't smoke, don't drink (maybe a few wines at wknd) I don't and have never done drugs, I have a wealthy and respected family (both mines and my husbands) the allegations fell flat. I will receive some sort of letter the next few weeks I imagine it will outline what they found and that the case isn't going any further (they told me it wasn't anyway) 1
Author TheOW Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 I believe she won't I believe it is over, he is taking her away for a while in the morning it will either make or break them but they need time to sort through things. She can call again but the SS were happy with what they had seen and I would presume another phone call would just determine its malicious rather than a genuine case.
Author TheOW Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 And u would know ?? I'm telling u how it is, I'm not silly enough to think he hasn't said anything about me to save his skin I imagine he has, I just think her jealousy and anger at him for falling for someone else has turned on me instead of him. Yes she does think I've brain washed him she can't understand how she the "love of his life" has been replaced. Their problem not mines anymore I'm just telling you what he, she and the gossips have said. But I don't think her anger at me will last for long, wouldn't want to be in his shoes maybe being in their villa in the middle of nowhere is where he will finally be truthful with himself. 1
2sunny Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I think it's extremely crappy for him to come by your house - especially at this point! I'd contact his wife directly NOW and inform her that he did that! She has a right to know! She should know that after all the action she's been taking to penalize you - that HE still chooses to drop by your place! He's a complete douche!!! 4
Author TheOW Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 That won't achieve anything, let it lie now, he can tell her if he wishes I'm sick of her dramas and telling her will no doubt be my fault he came by - nope we are done, they move on and I move on - no more contact 1
2sunny Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 That won't achieve anything, let it lie now, he can tell her if he wishes I'm sick of her dramas and telling her will no doubt be my fault he came by - nope we are done, they move on and I move on - no more contact Huh? You've continued contact with him at every turn... And she's trying to figure out why HE'S not invested in her M! It's because you keep calling him - and you allow him a conversation when he drops by! IF you intend NC - then DO NC!!! File restraining orders - if they need a clear message! The way YOU participate sends mixed signals! 1
Author TheOW Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 I didn't want to get her into trouble with the authorities I let her go ahead with her vengeance and when I felt she has went to far I called him and told him to get her to stop it before this escalates further. We will not contact each other again what needed to be said was said they are away as of tomorrow for a while, it will give everyone the break they need.
Author TheOW Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 If it was the other way round and I was acting out on them you would be the first ones to tell me to "tell her H" (meaning if I was the BS with a crazy OW) Don't deny it either
18Years2Late Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 As I said she done this not him and he fully admits he has been a coward he's been locking himself in his home office and working through the night. He says she is trying so hard and it breaks him seeing her do this because he is the one who should be bending over backwards not her. He ran away from it and never faced it full on like I did. THIS explains the bat shyte crazy that wont stop...not excusing her behavior...just pointing out the obvious... Quit defending the a$$hat...he CAN do something about her behavior without giving the appearance that he's "protecting" you...he can start by getting off the f$&king fence and either working on his M or not...his choice...as long as he continues to not make that choice and wallowing in his own self pity...she will continue to spiral and bring everyone down with her...it's HIS fault...and apparently he LIKES it... Btw...I'm not a BS...I'm a fMOW...who had to deal with a bat shyte crazy BS...until xMOM decided to finally put his big boy pants on and start doing what he needed to do to work on their M...luckily my xMOM and BS live 1800 miles away and I wasn't in fear for my life...but ur not that lucky...please stop defending him...he's not a child and he knows EXACTLY what he's doing and what he needs to do about it...he chooses not to do that FOR YOU or for his BS...selfish little man...I use the term man loosely... 3
veryhappy Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 (edited) Give it several months of NC and you might see this magical closure meeting as: he stopped by to make himself feel better, and told me about how hr loves his wife, he hates himself for thinking of me, and how his wife has been trying to make love to him. How dare he dump that on me at that time? You're picking and choosing what you want from it, the narrative of the lost boy who's in love with you but staying with the witch. So you are all loving and understanding and wish him the best. Meanwhile you've been sobbing and he feels better after parentally kissing you on the forehead( wtf?). The bottom line is he's with the wife, and you might hear in a couple years that the A was the push to make things amazing between them. If he apologized for using you, take that as him believeing he has used you. That's reality. Some men carry a torch, but some don't, hurried to go back to their lives or villas in Italy. Do yourself a favor and slam the door in his face next time. He only used you again as a tissue for his pain to withdraw from the intense romantic/sexual feelings. Edited March 31, 2013 by cutedragon 3
Author TheOW Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 I know this and I know when my feelings subside for him things will become clearer of what this actually was. I'm sick of people thinking I should hate him, I don't. I knew we would never end up together I knew he wasn't leaving his wife and honestly I know it won't work .. Still doesn't mean I don't love him. Maybe they will have a better marriage because of this, it will sting but I will get over it I'm only 27. If they don't then that's their decision but something was lacking in their marriage for years before I came along. 1 1
dreamingoftigers Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I know this and I know when my feelings subside for him things will become clearer of what this actually was. I'm sick of people thinking I should hate him, I don't. I knew we would never end up together I knew he wasn't leaving his wife and honestly I know it won't work .. Still doesn't mean I don't love him. Maybe they will have a better marriage because of this, it will sting but I will get over it I'm only 27. If they don't then that's their decision but something was lacking in their marriage for years before I came along. Jeez, I didn't realize you were that close to my age. Just far enough along to not be "in over your head." Glad to hear the allegations are being dismissed. You'll love this guy a lot less the older you get. You'll come to realize more and more that he literally threw away most of his wife adult life contributions. Especially that generation in particular. Marriages were more like "teams" back then. Not the "fulfill yourself and then find a partner" route they are now. My parents have been together 37 years, (just redid the math on that). The devastation undid everything. TheOW, how long were you married? I'm coming up on 8 together and 7 married this year, it starts to really add some perspective when you are closer to the ten year mark than the five. The thirty year mark must be a completely different animal. 3
2sunny Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I know this and I know when my feelings subside for him things will become clearer of what this actually was. I'm sick of people thinking I should hate him, I don't. I knew we would never end up together I knew he wasn't leaving his wife and honestly I know it won't work .. Still doesn't mean I don't love him. Maybe they will have a better marriage because of this, it will sting but I will get over it I'm only 27. If they don't then that's their decision but something was lacking in their marriage for years before I came along. Tell me- how is THEIR marriage supposed to have the ability to recover when: YOU keep calling him to tattle on her? You react! And YOU open your door to see or speak to him? NC is NO contact! If he shows up - YOU call the police without opening your door! There's only one things that could be accomplished by having a conversation with him last night... To reconnect! THAT will NEVER give THEIR M a chance to get re- established! Even if "they" attempt to pull you back in - in ANY way, shape or form - keep YOUR distance by NOT reacting! The only reaction you need is to call the police and report them every time. It seems like YOU love the drama! 3
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I know this and I know when my feelings subside for him things will become clearer of what this actually was. I'm sick of people thinking I should hate him, I don't. I knew we would never end up together I knew he wasn't leaving his wife and honestly I know it won't work .. Still doesn't mean I don't love him. Maybe they will have a better marriage because of this, it will sting but I will get over it I'm only 27. If they don't then that's their decision but something was lacking in their marriage for years before I came along. You don't have to hate him to be MAD at him. He screwed both you and his wife over and he is STILL screwing over his wife because he can't find the balls or courage to just be honest and face her and the marriage. He hides. He avoids, he IS gaslighting her which is WHY she is reacting this way. HE is making her feel nuts by his behaviour and how he's handling things. 1
Lostinlife4now Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Jeez, I didn't realize you were that close to my age. Just far enough along to not be "in over your head." Glad to hear the allegations are being dismissed. You'll love this guy a lot less the older you get. You'll come to realize more and more that he literally threw away most of his wife adult life contributions. Especially that generation in particular. Marriages were more like "teams" back then. Not the "fulfill yourself and then find a partner" route they are now. My parents have been together 37 years, (just redid the math on that). The devastation undid everything. TheOW, how long were you married? I'm coming up on 8 together and 7 married this year, it starts to really add some perspective when you are closer to the ten year mark than the five. The thirty year mark must be a completely different animal. My parents have been married 52 years and they fight like cats and dogs... They should have divorced years ago....but didn't they stayed for the sake of the children.....HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Now they are too old to go anywhere! Sad sad shame!!!!
Lostinlife4now Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 You don't have to hate him to be MAD at him. He screwed both you and his wife over and he is STILL screwing over his wife because he can't find the balls or courage to just be honest and face her and the marriage. He hides. He avoids, he IS gaslighting her which is WHY she is reacting this way. HE is making her feel nuts by his behaviour and how he's handling things. WWIU...... So agree with your statement.......BUT they SHOULD NOT BE GOING AWAY together...they should DEFINITELY SEPARATE! They need some time apart...any good therapist will tell them that!
Lostinlife4now Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Tell me- how is THEIR marriage supposed to have the ability to recover when: YOU keep calling him to tattle on her? You react! And YOU open your door to see or speak to him? NC is NO contact! If he shows up - YOU call the police without opening your door! There's only one things that could be accomplished by having a conversation with him last night... To reconnect! THAT will NEVER give THEIR M a chance to get re- established! Even if "they" attempt to pull you back in - in ANY way, shape or form - keep YOUR distance by NOT reacting! The only reaction you need is to call the police and report them every time. It seems like YOU love the drama! Their marriage is already over...they just haven't faced it yet! The handwriting is on the wall!
Lostinlife4now Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 And u would know ?? I'm telling u how it is, I'm not silly enough to think he hasn't said anything about me to save his skin I imagine he has, I just think her jealousy and anger at him for falling for someone else has turned on me instead of him. Yes she does think I've brain washed him she can't understand how she the "love of his life" has been replaced. Their problem not mines anymore I'm just telling you what he, she and the gossips have said. But I don't think her anger at me will last for long, wouldn't want to be in his shoes maybe being in their villa in the middle of nowhere is where he will finally be truthful with himself. I have a girlfriend whose H cheated on her for a long time..and she just could not believe that he would cheat on her. Who ME....Oh no not me....I am the BEST at everything...I am the love of his life...OH MY,,,,,how could he do this to me....blah blah blah...I had to sit her down and give her some cold hard facts....It took a few times to get things through her head....there is ALWAYS someone out there better than you or you think you are!!! Sure she is angry at you. Because she cannot bring herself to imagine that her hubby would ever cheat on her! She has not faced the man in the mirror yet. But she will. We are still good friends today...and they are now divorced and they are both happy and living great lives.
Spark1111 Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 You don't have to hate him to be MAD at him. He screwed both you and his wife over and he is STILL screwing over his wife because he can't find the balls or courage to just be honest and face her and the marriage. He hides. He avoids, he IS gaslighting her which is WHY she is reacting this way. HE is making her feel nuts by his behaviour and how he's handling things. And he is STILL running to TOW to apologize, to confirm his feelings for her, keeping the drama alive, ratcheting up the propensity for violence and craziness...poor, poor baby. This triangle is DEFINITELY alive and well and still being fed weekly. 1
2sunny Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 You've created this drama by having an A with him. You continue to be connected with him - and rightfully so - she wonders where the truth is. Yet you still participate by talking to him behind her back! I'm sure she didn't know he came to see you - you are his secret, after all! You fed his ego AGAIN and he fed YOURS. YOU do this by allowing it to continue at all!!! I blame YOU now for her anger, as much as I blame the OM! 2
whichwayisup Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 WWIU...... So agree with your statement.......BUT they SHOULD NOT BE GOING AWAY together...they should DEFINITELY SEPARATE! They need some time apart...any good therapist will tell them that! They should but that ain't happening. Who knows maybe they will something out. This is how they've chosen to handle it so let's just hope they don't end up on the 6 o'clock news.
Author TheOW Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 Really? The way you supported your friend in her crisis was to sit her down and drum into her head that the OW was better than her? Just WOW! I don't think she meant it like that. And you know it 1
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