MM visited my house last night .......

[TheOW]

It was late last night and I was in the house alone (my parents had toddlers and my friends were out at out local) so I stayed home. About 11pm there was a small knock at my door and my immediate thought was it was her, I got really angry and flew towards the door only to find MM.

 

I thought I finished all feelings for this man but seeing him at my door looking like some lost little boy broke my heart - anyway he asked to come in and talk because things were getting out of hand and he wanted to apologise for everything that has happened. I said no he can't come in because we both know what happens when he crosses my threshold. No point in denying it.

 

So we sat outside my apartment, he says that his wife's uncontrollable behaviour is his fault, she knows he thinks about me often and he hates that she does and he hates that he does as well. The day she rented me an apartment they had drove past me in the street and I was talking with a male friend (I did not notice them) he said he got so jealous when he went home she had made a great family meal and he couldn't eat and went to bed early. He says he can't believe the man He has turned out to be he loves his wife but can't get me out his head, he loves me to. That evening she tried to make love to him and he pushed her away (he actually started crying there on the foyer floor saying how much of a monster he felt) the next morning is when social services came along. He had it out with her and she broke down saying she knows he loves me and she can't believe that after 30 years he could do this, they were happy, they had everything and worked together to achieve their goals. He told her he was a coward and when the opportunity arose he took it thinking he could just have casual sex without getting emotionally involved.

 

He said many other things and then he said them (the family) are going to their villa in Italy for a month to try and sort things out. He said he wishes me all the happiness in the world and he is so sorry for taking advantage (which he never and I don't understand where he gets this from) he kissed my forehead and left.

 

I've never seen someone so vulnerable before, he was sincere and really confused about everything, I haven't stopped sobbing since.

 

I can't believe this has all happened I really do hope they work things out, I feel really bad for his wife that must be horrible trying to reconcile and knowing that his heart really isn't in it.

 

But hopefully this is finished now and we can all go our separate ways, a very big lesson learned and this will scar us all for the rest of our lives.

[wanting more]

It may be finished for you and him but unfortunately I don't think it's finished fit you and his BW.

[awkward]

If he calls tomorrow, will you answer the phone/text? If he comes by tomorrow, will you answer the door? I don't understand why you maintain contact with this man while your life is imploding around you.

 

When his wife hears of this meeting, she might become even more dangerous. You need to go NC. If you are not strong enough to do it for yourself, do it for your kids.

 

Also, your MM is a liar. Believe it.

[TheOW]

If he calls tomorrow, will you answer the phone/text? If he comes by tomorrow, will you answer the door? I don't understand why you maintain contact with this man while your life is imploding around you.

 

When his wife hears of this meeting, she might become even more dangerous. You need to go NC. If you are not strong enough to do it for yourself, do it for your kids.

 

Also, your MM is a liar. Believe it.

 

 

He won't it's over it feels over. He is away first thing on Monday we all need this time apart, especially his wife. I don't believe she will come after me anymore I think she is just as tired as I am, it was his fault stupid man being a man and not opening up to her. I'm a lot stronger than I was before and I proved that last night when I could of easily let him into my apartment and there is no point in denying what would of happened if I did.

[waterwoman]

Oh TOW His poor wife. It is my big fear. But good for you for being strong. I think that you have a good heart. Chin up my lovely x

[TheOW]

Believe what u like but he's not a liar and this is why it's exploded this way, he's been truthful from the beginning. As I said believe it or not but I know him you do not.

 

All I think about now is my kids SS scared the crap out of me and I realised what could of happened if they were not pleased, my babies could of been taken from me, do u seriously think I am ever going to risk that ever again ? You go into an A all full of lust and hormones and it is fantasy but it's real and it's the best feeling in the world .. At the time. When ur world falls apart around you and realise what you really could have lost ? Not worth it.

[Summer Breeze]

You did well by setting that boundary and keeping it firm. Maybe I can understand you wanting to get that bit of closure. I'm glad they're going away because if you've been sobbing since he left then it doesn't feel like you're ready to let go. I would worry about him coming back and catching you at a weak moment and bang you're off again.

 

This is a great ending point TOW. I'd advise this to be the moment when you go firmly NC. If you don't do it now I'm really afraid you will never do it. You have come so far and I want so much for you to continue on the road you're on.

[TheOW]

You did well by setting that boundary and keeping it firm. Maybe I can understand you wanting to get that bit of closure. I'm glad they're going away because if you've been sobbing since he left then it doesn't feel like you're ready to let go. I would worry about him coming back and catching you at a weak moment and bang you're off again.

 

This is a great ending point TOW. I'd advise this to be the moment when you go firmly NC. If you don't do it now I'm really afraid you will never do it. You have come so far and I want so much for you to continue on the road you're on.

 

 

Thanks SB - it's over, not my babies, no-one is taking them from me, and every weak moment I feel ? I will look at them and it will be gone.

 

Of course I still have feelings for him I love him, but it is a fantasy we could not possibly live a life together he's too old, it just wouldn't work no matter how much I lie to myself that it will.

[Lostinlife4now]

He won't it's over it feels over. He is away first thing on Monday we all need this time apart, especially his wife. I don't believe she will come after me anymore I think she is just as tired as I am, it was his fault stupid man being a man and not opening up to her. I'm a lot stronger than I was before and I proved that last night when I could of easily let him into my apartment and there is no point in denying what would of happened if I did.

 

 

Oh My OW!!!! I have been saying that alot lately!

 

I think you BOTH needed last nite. It's an ENDING! Now you must make it an ending. It will take a long time to let him really get out of your system. It took me 2 years to get rid of MM. But now...we all know what I think of him and the circumstances. Cry all you want and need to...Tears are for healing. Repeat it again...Tears are for healing!!

 

Listen to me...You did GOOD! I feel sorry for him and his W....HE will never get you out of his head. Men usually go to that place to feel Good! Only time, alot of it, will stop his mind games. As for her...She will NEVER trust him again. No way, no how. They must travel a very long road. And who knows what is really at the end of that road. No one does.

 

I feel for you! Hang in there. You are doing just FINE! :bunny: Some Easter Bunnies for you! Don't know if you celebrate...but what the hell!

 

Love to you,

 

Lost......

[Summer Breeze]

Thanks SB - it's over, not my babies, no-one is taking them from me, and every weak moment I feel ? I will look at them and it will be gone.

 

Of course I still have feelings for him I love him, but it is a fantasy we could not possibly live a life together he's too old, it just wouldn't work no matter how much I lie to myself that it will.

 

I like that. Those are words to live by TOW. Make sure and use us for support when you need us though.

[Goodbye]

I'm confused, you live in an apartment the mm's wife rented for you? Did you have babies with him? Why was SS called? Sorry, I've obviously missed much of the story.

 

Go with the closure. Try to visualize a future without him in it. I've heard it helps, trying to do so myself.

[awkward]

Believe what u like but he's not a liar and this is why it's exploded this way, he's been truthful from the beginning. As I said believe it or not but I know him you do not.

 

He was not honest from the beginning. If you mean he has been honest since D-day then maybe he has. Maybe he has been honest with you. Are you saying that he has been completely truthful with his wife from the beginning? since D-day? It may not seem like it matters, but it does. Had he been "honest" with his wife, HE would be facing her wrath. Hopefully, that will happen soon.

 

I suspect that you won't really understand this post until you are far removed from the romantic fantasy of your affair with him.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Wow - that is amazing - I can't even imagine a time my XMM would show up - seems so surreal. But I didn't really have any closure. There was never a time he said to me "don't call me again - stay away from me and my family - it's over". The last words he said to me were "I love you" and then silence for 3 years.

 

I am going to start another thread asking this very question. If men want it to be truly over, would they not say those things.

[HopingAgain]

I'n sorry, but I just really can't believe this crap. That after ALL he and his wife have put you through, that you would even entertain him for 5 minutes at your home.

 

You are still playing the game and will be crying victim again when the wife comes back with a vengeance. The MM obviously doesn't really care about ANYONE but himself.

[whichwayisup]

Believe what u like but he's not a liar and this is why it's exploded this way, he's been truthful from the beginning. As I said believe it or not but I know him you do not.

 

All I think about now is my kids SS scared the crap out of me and I realised what could of happened if they were not pleased, my babies could of been taken from me, do u seriously think I am ever going to risk that ever again ? You go into an A all full of lust and hormones and it is fantasy but it's real and it's the best feeling in the world .. At the time. When ur world falls apart around you and realise what you really could have lost ? Not worth it.

 

All the more reason now to stay in NC mode and NEVER see him again! And..

 

 

 

I thought I finished all feelings for this man but seeing him at my door looking like some lost little boy broke my heart - anyway he asked to come in and talk because things were getting out of hand and he wanted to apologise for everything that has happened. I said no he can't come in because we both know what happens when he crosses my threshold. No point in denying it.

Another BIG reason not to be around him. Don't test this...It's good you wouldn't let him in.

 

Stay safe. I hope he lives up to what he told you and goodbye is forever.

[TheOW]

Believe what exactly ? Lol you couldn't make this up if you tried.

 

He didn't do anything, I don't hate him I can't hate him, his wife is the one who hurt me and she has every right to as well but it wasn't him.

 

Everything happened so fast, one night we were all "lovey dovey" the next day everyone's world was ripped apart by our own selfishness. It was the first time we actually properly seen each other since we were caught.

[Lostinlife4now]

Believe what exactly ? Lol you couldn't make this up if you tried.

 

He didn't do anything, I don't hate him I can't hate him, his wife is the one who hurt me and she has every right to as well but it wasn't him.

 

Everything happened so fast, one night we were all "lovey dovey" the next day everyone's world was ripped apart by our own selfishness. It was the first time we actually properly seen each other since we were caught.

 

 

 

OW.....

 

BW is just lashing out! I think she is done! They are going away together?! Maybe they should actually separate>.........Being together is not going to solve anything. They BOTH need their space. As do you!

 

Take words with a grain of salt......

 

You were blindsided.....You are now just coming to terms with it. Give the brain and the body a chance to catch up! Breathe.......

 

Lost......

[Spark1111]

Is this MM serious???????

 

Is he trying to drive is his wife crazy??????

 

Get you shot, stabbed, ostracized ???????

 

Pacify you???????

 

All of the above???????

 

AFTER EVERYTHING you have been through, thanks to both HIM AND HIS gas lighted wife, YOU can't let him in because he needs some calm be down sex??? And you want to, so you meet on the front porch???

 

(Scratching my head)

 

You think this man loves you? how is he protecting you? He is making BOTH women crazy and is leaving a path of self-destruction of TWO women in his wake.

 

She is banging at your door, destroying your rep, almost having your children taken away and he is.......banging at your door, hoping for sex, saying he always loved you BUT your life is in ruins, she may shoot you if she learns of HIS latest visit, and you feel like he always loved you and now you have some closure.

 

When did you start to equate love with drama and the danger of someone ignoring your safety by putting you inharm's way???

 

THIS MAN LOVES having two women destroyed, in tears, their lives a complete shambles. Running in secret to you could have endangered you and your children if she learns of it and flies out of control again.

 

OMG! you sound like a smart woman but you are being played to feed his ego and perpetuate HIS drama BIG TIME. So is his wife.

 

This isn't even high school. This is Junior High School theatrics. Why would he do this this?

 

To feed his weak, fragile ego. I bet he didn't date much at all!

[thefooloftheyear]

Believe what exactly ? Lol you couldn't make this up if you tried.

 

He didn't do anything, I don't hate him I can't hate him, his wife is the one who hurt me and she has every right to as well but it wasn't him.

 

Everything happened so fast, one night we were all "lovey dovey" the next day everyone's world was ripped apart by our own selfishness. It was the first time we actually properly seen each other since we were caught.

 

You are getting bashed unnecessarily..But that is S.O.P. around here..

 

Believe me. Unless the MM was a lying scumbag from day one, most OW would never trade places with a MM going back to a lousy marriage. Now he will spend the rest of his days wondering what if? losing a true love, and having to shoulder the guilt of betraying his family for the rest of his life. At least, especially in the case of a single OW you can simply mourn the loss and put yourself back out there. You are likely to find love again.

 

Yeah, what a deal(roll eyes)...

 

TFOY

[anne1707]

That he is madly in love with you is a given. Who wouldn't. He has an elderly woman at home for a wife and you are a vibrant young woman full of life. All old men are attracted to youth. That has been described in many studies.

 

I'm sorry Pierre but I am getting sick of this sh*t of yours.

 

You have absolutely no idea of how attractive tOW is or how in love the MM may be with her (if he is at all). If his wife is "elderly" at 50ish then I reckon most posters here are not far off their pension either including you. If you think all "old" men are attracted to "youth" then you are showing how shallow you are. If you think you are quoting studies then prove it.

 

I don't care if I get an infraction but I am sick to death of you spouting sh*t as if it is gospel. You are as full of it as it gets.

 

 

 

 

 

Note: no offence meant to tOW

[Spark1111]

You are getting bashed unnecessarily..But that is S.O.P. around here..

 

Believe me. Unless the MM was a lying scumbag from day one, most OW would never trade places with a MM going back to a lousy marriage. Now he will spend the rest of his days wondering what if? losing a true love, and having to shoulder the guilt of betraying his family for the rest of his life. At least, especially in the case of a single OW you can simply mourn the loss and put yourself back out there. You are likely to find love again.

 

Yeah, what a deal(roll eyes)...

 

TFOY

 

Stop drinking the kool aid! first and foremost he is a coward sitting back watching two women go crazy with the drama and destroying each other OVER HIM.

 

He is LOVING EVERY MINUTE of it, sits back, tries to pacify BOTH women,but does not protect either one of them.

 

PULLEAZE!

[thefooloftheyear]

Stop drinking the kool aid! first and foremost he is a coward sitting back watching two women go crazy with the drama and destroying each other OVER HIM.

 

He is LOVING EVERY MINUTE of it, sits back, tries to pacify BOTH women,but does not protect either one of them.

 

PULLEAZE!

 

Excuse me....Best I can gather niether you or I was there.

 

How in the world can you possibly know how HE feels?

 

Youre OPINION is no more valid than mine, or we both could be wrong. But I wont question anybody about it.

 

Sheesh...

 

TFOY

[TheOW]

No Spark its not like that at all

 

I don't think he came to my with the intention of having "calm down sex" but the possibility of us going there was very high, we are still attracted to each other and regardless of what has happened we can't just switch our feelings off within a couple of weeks.

 

As I said she done this not him and he fully admits he has been a coward he's been locking himself in his home office and working through the night. He says she is trying so hard and it breaks him seeing her do this because he is the one who should be bending over backwards not her. He ran away from it and never faced it full on like I did.

 

The SS is the last straw from me if she continues this crap she will be very sorry I've let her rant and rave and get her vengeance (which I fully understand) not anymore I'm done being defensive, I'm no longer shopping in a different town and I am no longer hiding away. Nope sorry got my own life to live now.

[dreamingoftigers]

He really shouldn't have come over to your place.

 

I personally think he spurred a lot of this on and made you sound terrible to his wife so that he could claim he was the pursued victim of circumstance.

 

The same thing happened to my mother.

 

My father claimed the role of manipulated, romantic victim who just fell for his mistress convincing him that his wife of 36 years just didn't love him anymore.

 

My mother initially bought it hook, line and sinker. She had trusted my father and his crap lies for over 30 years. He had alienated everyone that cared for her out of her life long ago. She also didn't have much for perceived recourse. He literally was her life's investment.

 

After the initial anger died down, (some months) it started to clear up in her head and she just hated him for awhile. She ended up hitting him at one point.

 

I disagree completely with domestic violence but my mother rarely got angry with his stupid, immature, manipulative, lying, cowardly yet aggressive, emotionally abusive, alcoholic, financially controlling, narcissistic nightmare crap. It was long overdue. She whacked him. She broke her finger and now there's a permanent bend in it.

 

I don't have too much to do with my father. He's nicer now. He went for alcohol treatment. Trauma therapy and to a brain clinic in the states.

 

But the water has been under the bridge for so long. Not to mention I am the one who discovered his infidelity.

 

We will never discuss it. Ever. He's embarrassed about it and yet indignant and entitled about it. Plus it opened a dark door for me as well. 3 weeks after my father was caught, I caught my husband and his sexual addiction became apparent.

 

My father was always someone who wanted to punch the living daylights out of my husband, on a regular day. (anger issues). If the news would have broken before his own infidelity was discovered, I have no doubt that would have happened. But, given the timing of the circumstances, he had absolutely no leg to stand on. Mostly, nothing was said.

 

My mother and I discuss it bitterly from time to time but not much else.

 

I doubt it will ever be truly resolved. All over four months of the culmination of my father's disrespect and ignorance toward his family. But that's life. Most likely at some point every relationship will disappoint you in some way.

 

Your MM isn't confronting much of anything head-on. That's for sure.

 

He's hiding in his office. Away from the consequences of what he's done. You can bet he's laid the blame at your feet and was over there taking your temperature to make sure not everyone "hates him."

 

A lot of these guys need to be liked more than they need to respect themselves. And frankly, that tends to make them unlikable.

[TheOW]

He hasn't placed any blame on me and that is why she is lashing out at me, he has taken it all on himself and she doesn't believe it she thinks I've brainwashed him. She has even said this herself to me

 

I'm sorry to hear about your father, and even more about your D who was taken from you, that post has opened my eyes and really angered me because this could of happened to me!

 

He isn't a serial cheat this is the first time he has strayed from his marriage in 30 years and he fuly admits the attention I gave him was hard to resist, he knows he should resisted and walked away but as many say he wanted to test the water with someone else.

Edited March 31, 2013 by TheOW