When it finally begins to feel like its over... For real.

[LadyLost]

I wanted to post an update.

Three months on since I gave an update. A year since I joined LS. Some of my earlier posts still too painful for me to re-read. how could i have been so stupid?? so much faith in this man.

Goodness knows how long now I've been trying to get out of this relationship. Well I guess the good news first of all.. The relationship is over and for the first time (in over a year of NC attempts), it actually really does feel like its over, for good. After a year or more of being strung along; "I can't live without you"; "just give me more time"; "you feel like my real wife" etc etc he finally told me middle of February he was done trying to leave home (there were a number of failed attempts) and that he was going to focus on his marriage. He was able to pull the plug seemingly overnight. There have been no emails since then to say anything else other than (helpfully for me!), things are getting better at home.

And so... After all this time of me trying to break away and him pulling me back- time and time and time again. He finally ended it with me. He had the strength I never had. I have been unable to convince him (like he did with me) that we are soulmates, best friends, that we can't live without each other. In one of my last emails he told me off for being inappropriate and not thinking about his W!

 

I know people with say good riddance and finally I can move on with my life. But oh my goodness, it's been a tough few weeks. He finally closed his email account (when I couldn't stop myself from emailing him) and I currently have no way to contact him.

 

One problem is that after some time away from work, I am going back next week. I must stay strong. He dumped me. I suddenly became disposable. What is it about him that I am so addicted to??

There have been posts about addiction and I have to say.. I'm a sensible, professional woman. Independent and strong and I don't think I have an addictive personality, but I feel like I cannot leave this man alone. He has shown incredible selfishness, hurt me more than I have ever experienced before and yet... I am unable to 1: leave him alone 2: get him out my head.

 

I have had months of counselling and I am on anti depressants. I am writing here because I am horrified how much of my life this man has already had. I want to look back here and remember HE'S NOT WORTH IT.

 

Would love to hear from others in early stay of finally beginning to accept the A is over. This is somehow different from latest attempt at NC. And how folk cope with this realisation.

 

I have said before that I feel stronger and more ready to move on with my life. But I'm too cautious to say that now because I still have relatively good days when I think "ok, I can do this" and days (like today), when I ache from his loss. And I've been on the roundabout for years now.

 

One thing that I really do believe now is that I can't do more than live on day at a time and that is exactly what I am trying to do now.

Wish me luck.

Edited March 30, 2013 by LadyLost

[WakingUp]

(((Hugs)))

 

I really feel for you and am sending you strength and hope.

 

Just take one day at a time. I found it helped to just do one thing at a time, and do it well. Focus on that one thing (even if its just doing the dishes).

 

Eat well and take care of yourself. Go for walks, breathe deeply, observe small details in the world and really look at them. Focus totally on one thing at a time. It helped me keep the noise out of my mind.

 

I used to imagine packing MM into a large cardboard box, taping it shut and then watching it drift out to sea. (Bit strange but it worked for me)

 

Keep posting. Read and reread here on LS.

 

And know that you are not alone. There are millions of us, all different, who have felt that pain. It will pass, it really will.

[Goodbye]

(((Hugs)))

 

I really feel for you and am sending you strength and hope.

 

Just take one day at a time. I found it helped to just do one thing at a time, and do it well. Focus on that one thing (even if its just doing the dishes).

 

Eat well and take care of yourself. Go for walks, breathe deeply, observe small details in the world and really look at them. Focus totally on one thing at a time. It helped me keep the noise out of my mind.

 

I used to imagine packing MM into a large cardboard box, taping it shut and then watching it drift out to sea. (Bit strange but it worked for me)

 

Keep posting. Read and reread here on LS.

 

And know that you are not alone. There are millions of us, all different, who have felt that pain. It will pass, it really will.

 

 

This is really good advice.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I am so sorry. I too went through the same thing and 3 years later its still hard. I didn't get the exact closure you did - he just went silent.

 

I am treated horribly by his parents (when I run into them) and totally to blame for the whole situation and he lets them believe it.

 

He really was an a$$ - still don't know why I can't completely hate him - I wish I could.

 

Hang in there!

[beyond]

LL - I have PM'd you

 

xx

[LadyLost]

Wakingup- Thank you for your advise and support. I am trying to be more compassionate to myself. Sometimes its a struggle however. I do love your suggestion though ...

'imagine packing MM into a large cardboard box, taping it shut and then watching it drift out to sea'

 

Lilmisscantbewrong- we are not bad people, we've just made bad decisions and fallen in love with the wrong person. You do not deserve such abuse. If only we could hate these men, our lives would be so much easier.

 

Beyond- I hope you got my PM message?

[whichwayisup]

Your last line there pretty much sums it up. One day at a time. That's all you can handle, then that's fine. No need to worry about tomorrow or next week! Deal with today and ONLY today, gain strength and confidence knowing that you made it through okay.

 

I am unable to 1: leave him alone 2: get him out my head.

 

Keep going to therapy. Don't give up on that or on yourself! You have NO choice but to leave him alone, it will spell big trouble if you reach out to him and it'll make you feel awful as his reaction won't be a good one at all.

 

Grieve the loss and just know that your life WILL get better, you WILL feel happier as time goes on. Baby steps..

 

Time to start looking for another job.

[stevie_23]

I was in a similar boat (still am I suppose). It's been almost 4 months since my ex-MM left me suddenly. He'd had 3 D-days already and this last one was it for him. It got too hard.

 

I know he loved me sincerely and wanted to be with me...actually, a lot of your story resonates with me in terms of saying he needed time to take more steps to really try and be with me (we were very long distance and both in previous relationships) and then how he just...vanished. I didn't even know there'd been a 4th D-day until 10 days later when he finally told me what had happened and how he couldn't live 2 lives anymore (we were together for 2 years almost). He only told me that because I kept begging and pleading for him just to TALK to me, cause I had no idea what was going on.

 

He never said he was going to re-commit to his wife and marriage though. I don't believe he ever will do that. But he still found it too hard to be with me, so...yeah.

 

So 4 months later...I have been on anti-depressants for 3 months and they have helped me. I have tried SO hard to come to a place of peace and I have achieved this quite some time ago, but...the emptiness and sorrow still remains. It's a dull ache now. I'm waiting for it to improve further as time goes by.

[LadyLost]

Time to start looking for another job.

 

Whichway - This is something I've given a lot of thought. It's a massive decision because I've worked at the same place for over ten years. It's a good job and on the whole, I enjoy it. So this is my last attempt to make it work after some time away. If its not going to work and I can't stay away from him, then yes, it's time to look elsewhere. I just hate the idea of him taking this away from me.

[LadyLost]

I was in a similar boat (still am I suppose). It's been almost 4 months since my ex-MM left me suddenly. He'd had 3 D-days already and this last one was it for him. It got too hard.

 

I know he loved me sincerely and wanted to be with me...actually, a lot of your story resonates with me in terms of saying he needed time to take more steps to really try and be with me (we were very long distance and both in previous relationships) and then how he just...vanished. I didn't even know there'd been a 4th D-day until 10 days later when he finally told me what had happened and how he couldn't live 2 lives anymore (we were together for 2 years almost). He only told me that because I kept begging and pleading for him just to TALK to me, cause I had no idea what was going on.

 

He never said he was going to re-commit to his wife and marriage though. I don't believe he ever will do that. But he still found it too hard to be with me, so...yeah.

 

So 4 months later...I have been on anti-depressants for 3 months and they have helped me. I have tried SO hard to come to a place of peace and I have achieved this quite some time ago, but...the emptiness and sorrow still remains. It's a dull ache now. I'm waiting for it to improve further as time goes by.

 

Hi Stevie, you've managed to make it through four months, which is a massive achievement. As I mentioned before, I can only do a day at a time at the moment and in over a year (we had one great year and then a second of multiple attempted break ups due to me wanting to pull away), we didnt managed NC for more than about 10d at a time. The pattern was me telling him it was over, then him breaking NC- against my wishes and pulling me back in with talk of our future lives. Yes he loved me. i don't doubt it. But he loved his wife and life and daughter more. in the end, of course we had no chance. Yes, this time is different, its his decision and after all this time, I'm just expected to crawl away and disappear. I guess I am struggling to accept it after his previous behaviour.

 

The anti-depressants, finally I think I have managed to get the right combination and yes, I think they are beginning to work for me. But it's such a slow process. Good days and bad and the bad really knock the stuffing out of you. I'm not sure that spending time on LS works or just allows me to wallow further. Definitely when I feel stronger I don't spend as much time reading here. I don't know.. I guess if you look back over your four months you will see how far you've come(?) because if time doesn't heal, we are all in trouble.

 

Stay strong. Your doing so well.

One day at a time...

[beyond]

Wakingup- Thank you for your advise and support. I am trying to be more compassionate to myself. Sometimes its a struggle however. I do love your suggestion though ...

'imagine packing MM into a large cardboard box, taping it shut and then watching it drift out to sea'

 

Lilmisscantbewrong- we are not bad people, we've just made bad decisions and fallen in love with the wrong person. You do not deserve such abuse. If only we could hate these men, our lives would be so much easier.

 

Beyond- I hope you got my PM message?

 

Yes, have replied - plus about to send a little update!

Remember..... however bad you feel, there is always tomorrow xxx

[latergater]

I am in the exact same situation. I had known the MM for 30 years and we were, first and foremost, best friends. I talked to him about his marriage and tried to help him work things out with her. I told him to go to counseling, etc... I am completely to blame for falling in love but not ONCE was I not a friend to him. We spoke ten times a day and sent text messages throughout the day. Our communication wasn't about sex and I didnt even see him that often. We took some trips together. On April 28th, upon returning from a vacation together, he sent me five text messages telling me how much he loved me & thanked me for being such an amazing friend and a day later, when his W found out about me, he cut me off via email, point blank, like I was some cheap whore he met in some sleazy bar one night. What did I do? The first day I was livid and didn't understand how he could be so cruel to sever ties permanently, after 30 years of "friendship" -- via email! He was in Paris for work at this time (yes, a day after his wife found out about me, he left on a business trip). By the second day, he was being so finite and cruel ("Stop texting me. We are DONE) I decided to walk away, with my head raised high. If he could end things without a thought in the world, via TEXT, a 30 year friendship and a two year affair, it appears he really didn't give a damn about me anyways. All I have is my pride at this point. And, I am not going to give that up for some jerk who isn't worth my time.

[BrokenPrincess]

Hi LL,

I started to feel the A was ending about a month ago. After DDay (his), 4 months NC (he broke), we tried rekindling but it was very hard being "part-time" with the anxiety of potential DDay #2. His W would've walked if she caught him again.

 

For about a month, things were mostly good with a few hiccups but had plans to see each other this month. He sent me a couple vague answers on dates, I called him out on it, and he ended it via email yesterday.

 

So far I have found being on LS to be an amazing outlet in my time of need. I KNOW it will get better from my previous 4 months NC and this time around, I am being more strict with myself so I don't delay my healing by one minute.

 

The advice of day by day is really the best you can do. I feel so overwhelmed with it truly being over, I am trying to focus on one hour at a time.

 

Wishing you well in finding peace

[bellasue]

Latergater: How did you get to that point of seeing him for the jerk he is? Our scenarios sound nearly identical, although I have only known my xMM for a decade. We spent loads of time together. People used to joke about us being in an affair before we actually were. Some people thought we were married to each other. The sex and the intimacy were incredible. Then BOOM he texts me that he told his wife all about us and then goes silent. I confronted him at work a few days later.......he said I had to stop calling and texting......we would never be together again, he wanted me to hate him......blah, blah, blah. And in a cold hearted, icy way? And now, for the last three weeks NOTHING. I feel the same way as you. How could a decades worth of daily contact and friendship be tossed aside in a day? How can someone not FEEL that to their core? I guess men might feel different and be able to put it away easier or faster, but holy crap that leaves the one left behind utterly confused and bewildered. Not to mention heart broken.

[LoveBitesButSoDoI]

I can be having a really good day & bam, something will trigger me & I will feel like I took two steps back. It's been about 9 months out from D-day & I do feel better. It does get better, but it's work. The work is in staying NC, as well as finding and figuring out the person you are without him. If you don't change yourself, you will have a harder time staying stuck in the past.

 

New friends

new hobbies

a new outlook

a new you!

 

Oh, and about seeing him for the jerk he is...that will come. Just think back to any of your exes. Would you ever get back together with them? Most likely not. You know those reasons & understand them clearly. When time passes on & you have not one speck of emotional attachment to your ex-mm, trust me, you are going to see him for the lying, cheating, selfish a-hole that he really is. And you will slap yourself & ask, "what was I thinking?"

Edited May 5, 2013 by LoveBitesButSoDoI

[Feb]

Latergater: How did you get to that point of seeing him for the jerk he is? Our scenarios sound nearly identical, although I have only known my xMM for a decade. We spent loads of time together. People used to joke about us being in an affair before we actually were. Some people thought we were married to each other. The sex and the intimacy were incredible. Then BOOM he texts me that he told his wife all about us and then goes silent. I confronted him at work a few days later.......he said I had to stop calling and texting......we would never be together again, he wanted me to hate him......blah, blah, blah. And in a cold hearted, icy way? And now, for the last three weeks NOTHING. I feel the same way as you. How could a decades worth of daily contact and friendship be tossed aside in a day? How can someone not FEEL that to their core? I guess men might feel different and be able to put it away easier or faster, but holy crap that leaves the one left behind utterly confused and bewildered. Not to mention heart broken.

 

I have a lot of thoughts on this one (apologize in advance for the rambling). I was also in a co-worker situation. We also had comments about us before anything happened, because we just made a really good work team. I think what you are REALLY asking is "How do I get the point of seeing him as a jerk so I don't have these strong feelings for him anymore?"

 

 

First of all, we will never know if they are really the cold hearted jerk -- we are assuming they are. If they were a co-worker, and this is the first A for them, they were likely not a predator, but someone who just fell into this situation like us. As much as we'd like to think we really knew our xAP, we have been essentially blind to their home life. Now you might say, "He told me everything about his home life.", but short of you living in their home you don't know what happened there. You don't know what was said on their DDay (if there was one). Maybe one of the BS's conditions was monitoring over all their phone calls, texts and emails. Maybe he thought that by going NC suddenly that was best for him and the best thing for you. We'll never know.

 

 

My guess is that your xAP DID feel something for you, and probably still does. He is probably feeling the same feelings of hurt, confusion, conflict, guilt, heartbreak, and loss that you are. But he also knows that expressing those feelings to you, or having any contact with you will risk his family, career, and his entire future. I know where you are coming from ... I often struggle with the fact that if he really loved me, he wouldn't want to hurt me like this when there were alternatives to lessen the hurt. At the end of the day he didn't put my feelings first, and if he already said he's not leaving his family, then I shouldn't have expected him too. The A ends with a lot of unanswered questions that you might never get the true answer to. He lied to his family, you lied to yours, and we need to face the fact that during the A, our APs probably lied to us and we lied to him (to varying degrees). So there is no true resolution for anyone because there is not a lot of basis for trust there.

 

 

Now back to you -- for healing, I sincerely believe you need to get to a point where you don't care if they were a jerk or not, because you need to focus on YOU, not him. I see a lot of posts here about "making him feel this or that", "telling him this or that, so he knows how I feel". If any of your sentences have "him" in it as opposed to something that is focused on YOU, then you are not really healed yet. Please note I am not healed yet, because I still fixate on "him", but at least I know where I need to be and what the end state looks like. I think once we are past this, we almost see the xAP as a neutral party ... kind of like a passing stranger you walk by in the aisle of a store -- Do you care if they are jerk or not? (No); Do you care what they are feeling (No).

[psm04]

Hi LadyLost, hope you are doing well. Do you and MM work in an office where you have to physically see each other? My xOMM and I are co-workers as well, and at first I didn't think it would work out, but we have been very successful at making an effort to not run into each other. Even though we are in the same building, we work in two separate rooms. I don't even go to the bathroom without checking his work online status to make sure that he is online, which means at his desk. Eventually I hope that neither he nor I have to take all this extra effort, but right now, this is what works. I also hope that we don't get put on the same project in the near future.

 

If you are able to move yourself to where you don't have to see him, I think you can be fine with working in the same office. That's what I feel, and my xOMM and I had contact EVERY day when we were talking. If I can do it, so can you :-)

[latergater]

Latergater: How did you get to that point of seeing him for the jerk he is? Our scenarios sound nearly identical, although I have only known my xMM for a decade. We spent loads of time together. People used to joke about us being in an affair before we actually were. Some people thought we were married to each other. The sex and the intimacy were incredible. Then BOOM he texts me that he told his wife all about us and then goes silent. I confronted him at work a few days later.......he said I had to stop calling and texting......we would never be together again, he wanted me to hate him......blah, blah, blah. And in a cold hearted, icy way? And now, for the last three weeks NOTHING. I feel the same way as you. How could a decades worth of daily contact and friendship be tossed aside in a day? How can someone not FEEL that to their core? I guess men might feel different and be able to put it away easier or faster, but holy crap that leaves the one left behind utterly confused and bewildered. Not to mention heart broken.

 

Well, my story comes with a twist. I always had my doubts about him screwing around because his stories didn't add up a great deal of the time. Low and behold, in February 2013, I stumbled upon facebook messages he had exchanged between four women and his friend in Las Vegas. They were scandalous (Mr. Executive made a careless mistake and didn't log out of his face book account before leaving my house). One of the women he was exchanging messages with was a gal he had met while we were together - while he was still living in Canada. He spoke of how he was going to see her that month in the UK and what he was planning to do to her. I was LIVID. I made him break it off with her and yelled at him for at least ... a week.

 

However, because I had known him for 30 years and he explained the situation to me as "he lost his way" because he was souring in his career at the time and was living large (and because he is such a master manipulator), I agreed I would not tell his wife. A few weeks later we planned this trip, mostly, to try and sustain our FRIENDSHIP. He begged me not to leave his life .. he BEGGED ME - pleaded with me, said he NEEDED ME. HE COULDN'T LIVE WITHOUT ME.

 

Now I know he only said what he did because HE was desperate and didn't want me to tell his wife about the other women. He manipulated me to make sure I was still in the game and would not blow his cover.

 

Then, he turned around (ironically his W found out about ME one day after returning from our trip when stumbling upon a birthday card amongst other things). The trip we were on was primarily to see if we could MEND OUR 30 year FRIENDSHIP. He was, so I thought, my best friend.

 

Within a day of our return, his wife found the card, etc. He called me immediately and asked me what he should tell her. I told him to tell her the truth but he refused. He came up with some lame reason for the card, etc. and she didn't buy it. Shortly before leaving for his business trip, he told her. And, now I look like the the girl he was involved with for two years -- the "home wrecker." She knows nothing about the other girls that I discovered just a few months prior. He cast me out, sent an email, and has gone SILENT. Yes, this just happened a week or so ago.

 

 

Here is the email I received when he landed in Paris (right after he told me he had told his wife about me and was getting on a flight).

 

"I just landed here, phone not working yet so I'm on gmail. Look. I am 100% at fault. You are an amazing person and I've fouled up big time. I can't go on like this and am going to focus on my wife and the responsibilities as a dad to my daughter whom I adore so much.

 

I am turning over to my wife all my passwords and am going to enter counseling to try to get better. In the end it might not work but I'm going to give it my 100% shot. We need to sever ties permanently...you are a brilliant and dynamic person...I'm the bad egg. I ask that you support me - please.

 

I will be sending you a note and cc'ing my wife in the next 24 hours.

Please support me...I need to get help."

Edited May 5, 2013 by latergater

[bellasue]

Wow, latergater....that's a little more complicated and messed up! I do have one friend who I can confide in, and after explaining the whole situation to her, she seems to think he's been caught before (he did tell me he had at least one previous affair) and that this sudden lock down behavior is what they do as a matter of course. I just can't imagine that he could possibly be anything but miserable since we did spend a great deal of time together just doing stuff.....but you are right, I should spend less time focusing on him and what he's doing and refocus my efforts on myself. It's just damn hard when your shellshocked and confused.

 

We're not co-workers, but we do live in the same neighborhood, etc. He's on a vacation with his family right now, which I actually find to be a relief. No chance of running into him or the wife now.

 

Thanks all for your advice. It's helpful and much appreciated!!!! xoxo

[latergater]

Thanks for the advice Feb. Means a lot.

[latergater]

Wow, latergater....that's a little more complicated and messed up! I do have one friend who I can confide in, and after explaining the whole situation to her, she seems to think he's been caught before (he did tell me he had at least one previous affair) and that this sudden lock down behavior is what they do as a matter of course. I just can't imagine that he could possibly be anything but miserable since we did spend a great deal of time together just doing stuff.....but you are right, I should spend less time focusing on him and what he's doing and refocus my efforts on myself. It's just damn hard when your shellshocked and confused.

 

We're not co-workers, but we do live in the same neighborhood, etc. He's on a vacation with his family right now, which I actually find to be a relief. No chance of running into him or the wife now.

 

Thanks all for your advice. It's helpful and much appreciated!!!! xoxo

 

You are wonderful and your attitude is great. I love it. I am happy for you! You have to stay positive and I know that it will get better.

 

Do you run into him and his wife, ever? That would be awkward. I know they are on vacation now but is there a chance it will ever happen?

 

It's hard for me to get through the day without feeling ANGRY. There are so many times when I just want to fire off those face book messages (I saved them via a screen capture software I use for work) to his wife so she knows .. hey, your husband has been lying and cheating on you for years and has been manipulating his way out of it. Open your eyes! It would make me so angry to think he was able to stay in his marriage by getting rid of me, making me out to be the only one he was involved with, making promises he won't keep. I know he will lay low for a while and then return to doing the same thing as he has been for years.

 

He was caught once before. If he returned to this behavior after his wife found out the first time what makes me believe he won't return to this behavior the second time around? He is a serial cheater and a bad friend. I deserved a phone call or at least some respect other than "I told you. Its OVER. My wife knows" as if I was the one trying to talk him into staying with me or something."

 

Really - all I wanted was some compassion - to be able to say goodbye on the phone, etc. if I would never speak to him again.

[bellasue]

Well largely my attitude can change by the hour. But I feel like I am getting a little better every day. I will admit, however, that I would still appreciate a note or email saying something along the lines of "gee I'm really sorry things went down this way and thanks for spending time with me." I also am a realist and know I may never get this and it's probably bad for me to even want it at this point.

 

As far as seeing him and/or his wife........we know each other's schedules pretty well and mostly it would be easy to avoid each other. But.....we did engage in a lot of activities together (he and the wife don't share many of the same activities) and so we have many, many mutual friends. Right after DDay, I offered a compromise so that he could participate (like shared custody of the friends, haha) but his wife sent me a message that said in no uncertain terms is he to even participate in these sports even if I am not there. He said she was concerned I would "squeeze" my way back into their family. WTH? What about him "squeezing" himself into mine?

 

I used to walk around the loop in our neighborhood.....I stopped doing that after DDay thinking they would perceive I was stalking them, although I didn't have to walk directly by their house. Last week I said you know what? It's my damn neighborhood too. I am going to hold my head high, pump up the volume on my iPod, and walk proud. Oh, and flip him off when he drives by. : )

 

It all makes me think she was told I seduced him, and blackmailed him into staying or something.