soccerrprp Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 (edited) So maybe this issue is more about incompatible pacing. Some prefer to get close quickly, where others prefer to take a much slower pace. In Star's situation, she prefers to get close quickly where this guy needs someone who isn't as emotionally open at the outset. In retrospect, I lean less emotionally open at the outset unless the guy opens up to me first. That's my danger point since when it happens, I open up quickly. How this can play out is if the guy's inconsistent, blowing hot and cold, I shut down emotionally since trust is lost. If the guy continues to be emotionally open, then trust and intimacy deepen, and the relationship progresses. I'm sharing the above about myself as an insight to people who might be similar in emotional landscape or people who might be different but can learn something from it, when they encounter a partner who's similar to me. tbf, your response and observation is palatable. I can easily see this. But, on the surface, this is not something to get your undies all wedgied about. Edited March 31, 2013 by soccerrprp 1
Author Star Gazer Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 So maybe this issue is more about incompatible pacing. Some prefer to get close quickly, where others prefer to take a much slower pace. In Star's situation, she prefers to get close quickly where this guy needs someone who isn't as emotionally open at the outset. In retrospect, I lean less emotionally open at the outset unless the guy opens up to me first. That's my danger point since when it happens, I open up quickly. How this can play out is if the guy's inconsistent, blowing hot and cold, I shut down emotionally since trust is lost. If the guy continues to be emotionally open, then trust and intimacy deepen, and the relationship progresses. I'm sharing the above about myself as an insight to people who might be similar in emotional landscape or people who might be different but can learn something from it, when they encounter a partner who's similar to me. I'm not sure I prefer to get close quickly. I just don't see anything "wrong" with a person opening up quickly, or finding that openness to be a red flag. Like you, I am less emotionally open unless the guy opens up to me first, and also like you, that's my danger point because that's when I open up and connect and form attachments. If/when he blows hot/cold or becomes inconsistent, I freak out... we all know this. But if he is consistently open, then I'm really a goner.
tbf Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I'm not sure I prefer to get close quickly. I just don't see anything "wrong" with a person opening up quickly, or finding that openness to be a red flag.This too but if you consider the guys who get to you, they've mostly been guys who've full court pressed at the onset. Wouldn't you say that this points to a preference for men who appear to want to connect quickly at the outset? If/when he blows hot/cold or becomes inconsistent, I freak out... we all know this. So maybe, this might be where possible change might help. Instead of freaking out (), emotionally withdraw? While there are women who advise tactics for how to handle guys who blow hot and cold, where they express a tolerant attitude towards this, in the long-term, if this is a guy's go-to mechanism when stressed, I perceive them as a non-candidate for anything long-term. Imagine yourself all-in, everything putting along happily where suddenly, he gets stressed at work or misunderstands something and then pulls again. That's more painful than nipping it early and realizing that your relationship styles aren't compatible.
Author Star Gazer Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 This too but if you consider the guys who get to you, they've mostly been guys who've full court pressed at the onset. Wouldn't you say that this points to a preference for men who appear to want to connect quickly at the outset? I think it points to a preference for men who want to be open to me because they're into me, yes. We as humans don't open up to people we don't like, so I take their openness as a sign they like me to some degree. So maybe, this might be where possible change might help. Instead of freaking out (), emotionally withdraw? Oh, trust me! I'm trying. I know that once I have a CLEAR sign that they're not as interested as I am, I almost completely shut down. I am trying to learn how to withdraw at the first sign, even if not clear, that they're not that into me. While there are women who advise tactics for how to handle guys who blow hot and cold, where they express a tolerant attitude towards this, in the long-term, if this is a guy's go-to mechanism when stressed, I perceive them as a non-candidate for anything long-term. Imagine yourself all-in, everything putting along happily where suddenly, he gets stressed at work or misunderstands something and then pulls again. That's more painful than nipping it early and realizing that your relationship styles aren't compatible. Totally agree. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I generally open up slowly UNLESS a guy opens up first. I have had this guy tell me about his brother's suicide on date 2. He went in depth about it and even had tears in his eyes. I felt a great deal of compassion and tried to comfort him. The whole incident made me feel closer to him. So I felt it was safe for me to open up on our next date. He then pulled wayyy back and told me that we need to slow this down. Ummm what? I thought we were connecting I actually find I get better results if I hold back from opening up, even if guy opens up first. Sad but true. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I think this may be about preference and also the chemistry and dynamic with that particular person. This is not even really something I pay attention to personally, it's not something that would stand out or make me feel one way or the other. Objectively speaking in general terms..Do I like "good morning" texts? Ehhh..I don't really "need" a good morning text personally...I mean what if my morning is complete crap? what I just found out some bad news, or just not feeling well? the morning isn't that good to me so far! That's kind of a d!ck move don't you think if the house is on fire and you shoot me a good morning text! Also when people tend to ask....like every single day..."how are you?", "how are you doing?"...when you just talked to/saw them like 12 am last night...and it's like 7 or 8 am the next day. Well let's see!....I came home, took the dump I was holding all day...checked my email, grabbed my teddy bear and got into bed...then woke up, took a shower and brushed my teeth...I'm doing ok I guess, how are youuuuu! I mean like wtf...can I have something to talk about before answering this question! can I have some kind of experience in the day! So that's just one perspective Honestly I don't think most guys are going to like it when women are being overzealous with the contact when you just met..I think most guys like a slow and gradual pace that makes them feel somewhat in control but still like things are moving along. Most guys aren't in hurry to establish this emotional closeness, and most guys aren't looking for a relationship either or something "serious" which is defined by men in different ways, I've seen men take "exclusivity" as serious as what they're going to eat that day. So that kind of behavior can push many men away quickly, and also keep in mind that men generally like women who are not too easy or available or there's really no chase....don't blame me, blame human instinct....when shet runs away that's what things like to do....chase, not just us, they enjoy a little struggle and fight, makes it feel they accomplished something and something is of higher value. I'm a bit different from the "average guy" though, I usually fall into things quickly and am a very affectionate and attentive guy...so I kind of like the smothering that women can provide to an extent, I can soak it up and dish it back out, I'm not uncomfortable or insecure with that If I'm emotionally sound and available. It doesn't bother me or push me away, I like "romance" and emotions...I'm a weirdo basically. I guess for me I just don't like an overall impression of desperation or neediness/dependency on men, I mean there's plenty of guys in the world that would eat that up but that's not appealing to me..I'd rather not even engage that woman because I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings, she's too vulnerable and easy to take advantage of..let some other guy do that but I know she wouldn't be right for me, so I tend to be with women with a thicker skin than just the gullible and naive...I respect a woman's feelings even though I don't have to because they don't respect themselves and many other men could care less because of that...i try to clear the air or communicate when it comes to intimacy. I would recommend most women let the man show his cards first to see where he stands or he'll just play off of you and you won't even know if he's being genuine. If he has any sense it's extremely easy to do, especially since many women are open and honest, they aren't necessarily trying to "hide" anything but that can leave them in an unfavorable position with men...you don't want a man knowing what makes you tick if you don't understand what makes him. 1
Author Star Gazer Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 Also when people tend to ask....like every single day..."how are you?", "how are you doing?"...when you just talked to/saw them like 12 am last night...and it's like 7 or 8 am the next day. Well let's see!....I came home, took the dump I was holding all day...checked my email, grabbed my teddy bear and got into bed...then woke up, took a shower and brushed my teeth...I'm doing ok I guess, how are youuuuu! I mean like wtf...can I have something to talk about before answering this question! can I have some kind of experience in the day! So that's just one perspective Hahahahaha! I sooooo know what you mean! There was (maybe still is?) this one guy who sends what seem like constant "How are you?" and "What are you up to?" texts... and I want to respond the same way you did! I'm a bit different from the "average guy" though, I usually fall into things quickly and am a very affectionate and attentive guy...so I kind of like the smothering that women can provide to an extent, I can soak it up and dish it back out, I'm not uncomfortable or insecure with that If I'm emotionally sound and available. It doesn't bother me or push me away, I like "romance" and emotions...I'm a weirdo basically. That's not "weirdo." That's exactly what I (and many other girls) like!
MissBee Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I find it more bizarre that one has established exclusivity after 3 dates in 2 weeks. Did she establish it or did he mean they agreed on it? Because if she is the one saying they are ecclusive after 3 dates then sending such texts lol, yes, it is a red flag and she may be overzealous and clingy or someone who "falls inlove" at the drop of a hat.
Divasu Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I don't understand why some people find it bizarre when people prefer to focus on dating one person at a time. Is it honestly that big of a deal? 3
Author Star Gazer Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 I find it more bizarre that one has established exclusivity after 3 dates in 2 weeks. Did she establish it or did he mean they agreed on it? Because if she is the one saying they are ecclusive after 3 dates then sending such texts lol, yes, it is a red flag and she may be overzealous and clingy or someone who "falls inlove" at the drop of a hat. Did you read the OP? He said THEY were exclusive. Exclusivity didn't happen unilaterally. I also don't understand why it's strange to be exclusive at ANY point in the dating process, even one or two dates in. If both people agree to it - which would be the case each time - what's the problem? 1
soccerrprp Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Did you read the OP? He said THEY were exclusive. Exclusivity didn't happen unilaterally. I also don't understand why it's strange to be exclusive at ANY point in the dating process, even one or two dates in. If both people agree to it - which would be the case each time - what's the problem? It's only a problem with those who have rules, # of date conditions in their heads. Apparently, telling someone early on that you'd like to only focus on them and let the relationship grow is an oddity for many this day and age.
Author Star Gazer Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 Apparently, telling someone early on that you'd like to only focus on them and let the relationship grow is an oddity for many this day and age. As I learned very personally oh so recently...
johan Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I don't understand why some people find it bizarre when people prefer to focus on dating one person at a time. Is it honestly that big of a deal? If you don't have any insights to offer to make it easier for the OP, then...well...you know. 1
suladas Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Good morning texts are awesome, I had it where she sent them to me daily right after getting my number, before even going on an official date. It wasn't weird to me, and I was very happy to reciprocate, I really enjoyed it and randomly texting each other throughout the day. But then again the relationship moved quick, we were pretty much exclusive before going on a real date After a while it does get to the point you don't have a ton to talk about and maybe exchange 1 or 2 messages in a day, but imo it feels good to get it because it shows they are thinking of you. 1
2sunny Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Sheez, I'd find the guy rigid and wonder if he not only isn't open to positive energy (by the text sent) but more inclined to roadblock said positive energy - and then, making it worse - possibly being that guy that doesn't know what good, healthy balance is by not reciprocating that positive energy by sending BACK a nice morning greeting. It's a simple way of growing positive energy bigger by sharing a nice thought in the morning! If he can't appreciate that - he may be full of negative energy and an overall buzz kill. 2
Leigh 87 Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 It is normal and welcomed by some, where as it is out of place and inappropriate for others. It all depends on your background and how you go about dating and relationships. I know people who text good morning/goodnight from the get go, then there are people I also know of, who would be freaked our or turned off by it. Even when a guy is normally not too thrilled with this type of behaviour from a women, I think there are cases where if he is really into her, he would actually find it to be pleasant (opposed to feeling negative towards it)
miss_jaclynrae Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Hell no that isn't weird. I have always been a "Rise and shine handsome man!" kind of lady. Never once heard any of the men I said it to have a problem. If you are equally into eachother, I don't see it being odd in the slightest.
TheGuard13 Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I think it can be sweet, under the right circumstances. I sent a "Good morning" text after I got home from my date. Of course, I was being clever instead of saying "Goodnight", but... 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 (edited) I my home country, people are exclusive since date 1 so there is no "exclusivity talk". I kind of first assumed that it was the same here. Oooops. Personally, I am not a morning person. I would live my life at night if I could so cheery good morning texts are not my thing. But I still think it's a sweet gesture if I like the guy. Edited March 31, 2013 by Eternal Sunshine 1
soccerrprp Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I my home country, people are exclusive since date 1 so there is no "exclusivity talk". I kind of first assumed that it was the same here. Oooops. Interesting. Sorry, but what country are you from?
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Interesting. Sorry, but what country are you from? Serbia (former Yugoslavia)
soccerrprp Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Serbia (former Yugoslavia) Is this a Serbian thing? Eastern European or European as whole? It's interesting, but that would be the old-fashioned way of doing things here in the USA (anyone else agree?). I remember when I first asked my late-wife out and thought nothing of keeping the relationship going and exclusive. This was years ago, of course, but sometimes I miss those days.
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Is this a Serbian thing? Eastern European or European as whole? It's interesting, but that would be the old-fashioned way of doing things here in the USA (anyone else agree?). I remember when I first asked my late-wife out and thought nothing of keeping the relationship going and exclusive. This was years ago, of course, but sometimes I miss those days. I do think it's a mostly European thing. I live in Australia (which is pretty similar to USA when it comes to dating) but I actually prefer the old fashioned style of dating. When I really like a guy, and to me it's obvious from date 1, I am exclusive - even if he isn't yet.
irc333 Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I had a woman call me "honey" after we've swapped phone numbers and had been talking onthe phone and texting. I recall I was on my way to the restaurant to meet for our first date....and she was texting me directions.....then she ended that with, "Looking forward to meeting you, honey". She did it a couple of times prior to meeting me while we were talking on the phone. She was an attractive woman, but I just found it odd she was doing it before even having MET me. I went to lunch with someone yesterday who said he'd been dating a woman, and after establishing exclusivity after 3 dates in 2 weeks, she started texting him with things like, "Good morning, handsome!" He said this was a red flag, as she shouldn't be doing that until they've been dating for several months. I didn't find it that all that weird. Do you?
soccerrprp Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I had a woman call me "honey" after we've swapped phone numbers and had been talking onthe phone and texting. I recall I was on my way to the restaurant to meet for our first date....and she was texting me directions.....then she ended that with, "Looking forward to meeting you, honey". She did it a couple of times prior to meeting me while we were talking on the phone. She was an attractive woman, but I just found it odd she was doing it before even having MET me. This could be a cultural, regional thing. It's not too uncommon in the South for someone you don't know (women) to refer to you as honey.
Recommended Posts