Goodbye Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 In your affair did you swear up and down to your AP that you were not intimate with your wife (or husband)? Was this the truth? Were you presenting a truthful picture of your homelife at all? Not sure if this is the right place to post this question...but I'm curious as I autopsy my relationship. I suspect I know the answer to my own question but I'd like hear from some on the "other" side of the equation.
CarrieT Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 The one affair I had with a married man occurred because he told me that his wife was unable to have sex due to a medical issue. Strange, how several weeks into our relationship that she turned out to be pregnant. Yeah - the affair partners lie all the time; it helps build up the sense of "need" and "desperation" and makes you feel like "you are the only one" that can help or satisfy... Lies, lies, lies. 2
Mrs.Dee Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 I think people are different . The ones that have wanted to have an affair with me, has normally been pretty straight forward about how their marriage is, how their sex life is, what their intentions with the affair is and what it is not. I remember one guy from my past thought, that would lie about EVERYTHING, it it would get him an advantage.
Author Goodbye Posted March 30, 2013 Author Posted March 30, 2013 You are way too innocent. In the world of philanderers the standard line used to say "I am available to have an affair" is that my spouse is never interested in having sex. Every single time an MW told me intimate negative details about her marriage she was basically saying "I am available". I am certain your H told his mistress that you were a "cow" in bed and not interested in sex at all. I am certain your MM said the same to you. It is quite common to do that. However, every once in a while it is actually true. Some long terms couples hardly have sex. The problem is you will not be able to tell who is truthful and who is lying. But, that is a moot point. Offering your services to provide sex to a man that claims not to get any at home is never a good plan. IMO, the main reasons some women fall into EMRs are: 1. Naive views 2. Running out of options 3. Family of origin 4. Been there done that (divorced with children and a long list of failed relationships) 5. Extreme need for external validation. Married men satisfied the need for validation much better than single men. 6. Hedonism 7. Frustration with the concept of marriage or no believe in fidelity. Every man is fair game. 8. Lack of empathy for others: "I owe nothing to a woman I never met before". 9. Rationalization" "I never planned this, it just happened". "I am too busy for a real relationship in the open". Lol, my ex-H probably did tell his OW such things...and it was true! Our marriage fell apart and was sexless for a couple of years. So sexless marriages do exist although I suspect you are right...most MM (or MW) are bs-ing when they say they are couch bound and abstinent at home.
thefooloftheyear Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 All I will say is contrary to the broad generalizations and typecasting that goes on in this forum, NOT all MM/MW lie, Some tell the 100% truth.... Carry on. TFOY
Author Goodbye Posted March 30, 2013 Author Posted March 30, 2013 This is the key: When the marriage is truly over and sexless the couple ends up in divorce. If the MM does not want a divorce then beware, it is all a pack of lies. But, remember, quite often the divorce does not mean OW walks into the sunset with her guy. Quite often the divorced man wants to be single for a while and play the field. Did your H stay with his OW? Who was not into sex? You? or Him? My H stayed with the OW for a while but they are no longer together. I was not into the sex. But he was not willing to work with me on the issue, just wanted "it" and wanted it NOW.
carhill Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 In your affair did you swear up and down to your AP that you were not intimate with your wife (or husband)? No Was this the truth? Yes Were you presenting a truthful picture of your homelife at all? To the extent that I shared our 'homelife', I provided my perspective on such matters. The lady in question could get my exW's perspective independently so could form her own conclusions regarding 'truth'. I've had enough experience with MW's to understand how 'truth' can get creative at times. One of the risks of interpersonal interactions, in general. I found accepting the results to be the healthiest path to processing 'post mortem' and moving on. Good luck.
ForeverHopeful1 Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 My girlfriend was in an EMA. Her MM was lying about everything. She was in a sexless marriage and felt she had been cheated on by her own husband and instead of divorcing him, she cheated with her boss (MM.) Personally, I would have ended my marriage (as hers ended when he found out she was cheating.) In order for her to continue going along with it, it somehow made the A ok, so long as his home life was as ****ty as hers was. So she was being honest. He was having his cake and eating it too. Its pretty hard to get someone pregnant when you aren't sleeping together and you're on the couch every night. Right????? MMs wife was pregnant a little while after he told my friend he wasn't sleeping with his wife and hadn't slept with her in over a year. The BS called my friend one day out of the blue and ripped her a new ******* which is how they both ended up speaking and finding out what the truth really was.
ForeverHopeful1 Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 Of course there are stories where the WS is being honest with the AP, and then stories where they are lying through their teeth.
Got it Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 In your affair did you swear up and down to your AP that you were not intimate with your wife (or husband)? Was this the truth? Were you presenting a truthful picture of your homelife at all? Not sure if this is the right place to post this question...but I'm curious as I autopsy my relationship. I suspect I know the answer to my own question but I'd like hear from some on the "other" side of the equation. Yes I was honest with him. I had no reason to lie to him. And yes he was honest with me.
ON MY OWN Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 The one affair I had with a married man occurred because he told me that his wife was unable to have sex due to a medical issue. Strange, how several weeks into our relationship that she turned out to be pregnant. Yeah - the affair partners lie all the time; it helps build up the sense of "need" and "desperation" and makes you feel like "you are the only one" that can help or satisfy... Lies, lies, lies. I agree. Most affairs are based entirely on lies. The married person lies to both the wife/husband and the other person. It is the kind of person that typically cheats. 1
MissBee Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 (edited) In my A he never mentioned anything about their sex life. In general, our relationship wasn't really formed/seen as a foil to theirs and he didn't bring up anything like that. His premise was always that they have a normal relationship and he loves her and he loves me too and the two have nothing to do with each other. Which isn't right either, but basically, because of this mentality he never needed to speak badly about their relationship/his life to me. His life wasn't bad. If he had, I would have been turned off. Although, admittedly, I assumed that something must be wrong, that he consciously thought about, for him to be in the A. I simply assumed it, as I felt like why else would he be doing it??? Until one day, I asked flat out and that's when he told me nothing was wrong, he loved her, and he loved me too. I think he was pretty honest in that regard. He was no beacon of light though lol, as he did present himself as single (he wasn't married though either), but he avoided any horrible exaggerations or flat out lies about the state of his life/relationship. He either didn't mention it OR told me it was fine and left it at that. Edited March 31, 2013 by MissBee
stevie_23 Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I was honest. I didn't "swear" anything, but I just told my ex-MM that my partner and I hadn't been "intimate" in many years, as this was the truth. I also was honest when I told him we were still emotionally close and a good couple in many ways.
TheOW Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 I wasn't having sex with my husband and MM wasn't having sex with his wife (was confirmed by herself in one of her screaming matches)
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