Dogstar Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 SO things were going well with my girlfriend. We told each other how much we were in love and went travelling. Then I stayed with her for 3 months. The initial infatuation wore off, we squabbled but I thought we got through the worst of it. She had essentially left her ex-boyfriend for me even though he was a lovely, romantic guy. At Christmas I moved back to LDN. Over Christmas she asked if she could see her ex-boyfriend (who had recently moved to Europe) to obtain closure and because she felt bad for how she left him. I agreed. When she came back she told me that they both cried for four days, told each other how much they still were in love, etc. I took this badly. She told me she loved me too and didn't know what to do. I tried everything to reassure her but the more I tried the more confused she remained and our relationship slowly disintegrated. It didn't help that she was maintain a dialogue with him on / off. A month ago she got jealous I was going out with friends including one girl she knows likes me, called me 10 times (I didn't respond), and the next day she sent an email stating that though she considers me her soulmate, our chemistry is amazing, she doubts our sustainability and didn't want to drag me through her period of insecurity. I called her the day asking to come see me - she said it wouldn't help. Then I spoke to her in the evening and we had a tearful good bye. I cracked a couple days later sending her an email and she replied saying she missed me. A few days later I cracked again and asked her if she was seeing her ex - she said I was being paranoid and she would tell me she was to stop me asking her again. She said she loved me but needed space in the short term. She emailed me a couple times after which I replied to with short messages back. Then two weeks went by without nothing until i got an email last week asking me how I was and how great her life was going. I waited a few days and sent her an email which answered her questions but making myself look happier and told her at the end I needed to end it officially to have "closure". Now a week without any comms. I feel better but I want her back even though she's proven she can leave men whenever her emotions changes. Have I done the right thing? Shall I maintain no comms? She fell for me due to our chemistry, attraction, soulmateyness, etc. She loves the ex because he's moral and good and she still finds him attractive. It's a messed up situation because she never told me she wanted to end it, tells me she misses me, sends her love, etc - but I feel I was forced to because I feel it's unfair her having me in her life without any commitment. Not to mention trying to convince her pushed her away more. But it's painful. But she already left him once for me and I didn't even try - I didn't want to split them up. Sigh. Any thoughts much welcome.
richard9 Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 She loves the ex because he's moral and good and she still finds him attractive. It's a messed up situation because she never told me she wanted to end it, tells me she misses me, sends her love, etc - but I feel I was forced to because I feel it's unfair her having me in her life without any commitment. Not to mention trying to convince her pushed her away more. But it's painful. But she already left him once for me and I didn't even try - I didn't want to split them up. Sigh. Any thoughts much welcome. just because her ex is a nice guy doesnt give her the right to have both of you, sounds like she is still in love with him and if thats the case then i would say you need to keep NC. you deserve more than to be with someone whos heart is with someone else. also the trust will likely be an issue now, you asked the question if she had seen him and she turns around and says youre paranoid, of course you are going to be paranoid, what does she expect. i'll just finish by saying you are no less deserving of a relationship with someone who wants to be with YOU, than her ex boyfriend, i dont care how moral or good he is. keep going out with friends and maybe you will meet someone who is not still in love with their ex, and who can love you as much as you love them. just my thoughts.
Author Dogstar Posted March 30, 2013 Author Posted March 30, 2013 just because her ex is a nice guy doesnt give her the right to have both of you, sounds like she is still in love with him and if thats the case then i would say you need to keep NC. you deserve more than to be with someone whos heart is with someone else. also the trust will likely be an issue now, you asked the question if she had seen him and she turns around and says youre paranoid, of course you are going to be paranoid, what does she expect. i'll just finish by saying you are no less deserving of a relationship with someone who wants to be with YOU, than her ex boyfriend, i dont care how moral or good he is. keep going out with friends and maybe you will meet someone who is not still in love with their ex, and who can love you as much as you love them. just my thoughts. I appreciate the advice. It's just annoying that she tells me not to worry and they she never loved anyone as much as me BEFORE her trip to see him. And then comes back confused as hell. She gets jealous of me going out, just 5 weeks ago got all naked on Skype (perhaps too much information), never even said she wanted to break up, misses me, etc. So confusing. And now I lose by leaving her. But at least I have my dignity - though I did handle this whole thing very well except for a couple of occasions. Sigh. I know it's possible to love two people but telling me she doubts our sustainability, that even though she considers me her soulmate that perhaps we're not best for each other, etc. I feel like I got too complacent and let her she me all slobby (though to be fair it was my first holiday in 5 years). Now I'm back working, I'm looking good, going out = and where is she? Back with the ex she left for me anyway. And she won't even tell him why. Just act as if it was the long distance thing only. And maybe it was - but she can't think much of him to leave him and be with me for over a year. But now he's back, still in love with her, and doing well - she leaves me? Because she got used to me? Blegh.
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