What did you learn about yourself?

[Journee]

Hello everyone. I took a little vacation from posting recently. I was just overwhelmed and the content as of late was especially painful for me.

 

I am glad ,however, that I have taken time to reflect with clearer thinking. I believe I was suffering from PPD as I was still recovering from my second child's birth when I began posting here. I was blinded by hurt and anger. So much so that I put out of my mind most of the time the role I played in this devastation. I have since sought some unconventional counseling and see how this all went wrong.

 

I have major FOO issues stemming back to my adoption at four years old. I never felt worthy of any love I had ever received. I was grateful for any crumb. This manifested into very unhealthy relationships which were often abusive. Even as early as my teen years. Adding to this sexual assault and abuse as a teen I was and am a mess.

 

Enter my husband...

 

He changed it all for me. Yet I never felt I deserved him or that he ever loved me. I pushed him to the brink on several occasions which led to things becoming physical between us. Yes, I had every right to leave him and to refuse to reconcile but the way I handled our separation brought out a side in me I never knew existed. At the time I mistook it for strength...it was fear. Fear of facing that I am broken and maybe I can't be fixed. Maybe everyone would be better off if he and I were not together. The toxicity of our N at the time I left had me in pieces because of our first child. I was afraid to break him too. Instead I managed to deny my remorseful and willing to do anything H at every turn. This man chased me for over a year. I made myself impossible to love and he did anyway. We didn't even live together and yet he made every effort to be here with us. I did not soften. I was not going to be hurt again...not by anyone.

 

Fast forward..I find out I'm pregnant on our son's 2nd birthday. Things seemed to be getting better during that time. He wanted to come home. I refused. I was afraid he was only coming back because of our kids not because he wanted to be here...Fear.

 

I might as well had taken him and the OW by the hand and introduced them. I starved this man. I took my love away and when I was ready to make nice he was now resenting me. He was now afraid to trust me. That I would leave him again if it got tough.

 

I'm ashamed of my behavior. I'm ashamed of his also. I learner that my past is biting at my heels. That I have got to get a handle on these truths. That while I can be incredibly loving, sexy and nurturing. I also can be hard to reach. I pull away out of fear and stepped into pain of my, own making.

 

Yes, H is responsible for his actions. For his choices. This post really isn't about him I guess. Neither about OW. It's about what I learned about me. Journee has some work to do. H's affair forced us both to snap back into reality. Living in limbo was no place to be and the devil's playground for sure.

 

If you are still reading...thank you. I had to get this out. I'm going to make it after all.

[Summer Breeze]

You have always been a gracious poster here and I'm glad you took a break and feel better for it.

 

I can understand some of where you come from. My xH was an addictive personality and I had never been around anyone who was. I loved him so much and I thought my love would fix him. When it didn't I had no idea how to fix myself or us. I was lost. It was a different time then and therapy wasn't often explored. In fact Al Gore hadn't even invented the WWW at that point . I was too weak to ask for help and I left holes in our M that a Mack truck could have driven through. I left us so vulnerable and in trying to love everything right, I only managed to allow it to go bad and have no way to change it.

 

Do you know Journee that I didn't realize all of this til I came on LS 150 years after our D? I had an inkling I had something to do with it because I'm a true believer that most As don't happen in a vacuum. Again I was largely responsible for the problems but the A was all his doing.

 

You're not alone girl. We all can see things so clearly in hindsight. It's what we do now that changes things and creates who we want to become.

 

Keep working at it. I know I am still!

[Journee]

You have always been a gracious poster here and I'm glad you took a break and feel better for it.

 

I can understand some of where you come from. My xH was an addictive personality and I had never been around anyone who was. I loved him so much and I thought my love would fix him. When it didn't I had no idea how to fix myself or us. I was lost. It was a different time then and therapy wasn't often explored. In fact Al Gore hadn't even invented the WWW at that point . I was too weak to ask for help and I left holes in our M that a Mack truck could have driven through. I left us so vulnerable and in trying to love everything right, I only managed to allow it to go bad and have no way to change it.

 

Do you know Journee that I didn't realize all of this til I came on LS 150 years after our D? I had an inkling I had something to do with it because I'm a true believer that most As don't happen in a vacuum. Again I was largely responsible for the problems but the A was all his doing.

 

You're not alone girl. We all can see things so clearly in hindsight. It's what we do now that changes things and creates who we want to become.

 

Keep working at it. I know I am still!

 

 

 

 

Thank you

 

It is incredible the twists and turns life takes us on. I just want to become a better person. For everyone involved. I now have a daughter who is sleeping next to me now in a cupcake sleeper. *sigh* I can't allow her to see me continue with this behavior. I owe both of, my babies and the man to my left more than simply accepting I'm broken.

 

 

Thank you for sharing your story. It is never too late to gain insight and perspective. I will take your advice and keep working. For once in my life...I'm worth it.

[krazikat]

Hello everyone. I took a little vacation from posting recently. I was just overwhelmed and the content as of late was especially painful for me.

 

I am glad ,however, that I have taken time to reflect with clearer thinking. I believe I was suffering from PPD as I was still recovering from my second child's birth when I began posting here. I was blinded by hurt and anger. So much so that I put out of my mind most of the time the role I played in this devastation. I have since sought some unconventional counseling and see how this all went wrong.

 

I have major FOO issues stemming back to my adoption at four years old. I never felt worthy of any love I had ever received. I was grateful for any crumb. This manifested into very unhealthy relationships which were often abusive. Even as early as my teen years. Adding to this sexual assault and abuse as a teen I was and am a mess.

 

Enter my husband...

 

He changed it all for me. Yet I never felt I deserved him or that he ever loved me. I pushed him to the brink on several occasions which led to things becoming physical between us. Yes, I had every right to leave him and to refuse to reconcile but the way I handled our separation brought out a side in me I never knew existed. At the time I mistook it for strength...it was fear. Fear of facing that I am broken and maybe I can't be fixed. Maybe everyone would be better off if he and I were not together. The toxicity of our N at the time I left had me in pieces because of our first child. I was afraid to break him too. Instead I managed to deny my remorseful and willing to do anything H at every turn. This man chased me for over a year. I made myself impossible to love and he did anyway. We didn't even live together and yet he made every effort to be here with us. I did not soften. I was not going to be hurt again...not by anyone.

 

Fast forward..I find out I'm pregnant on our son's 2nd birthday. Things seemed to be getting better during that time. He wanted to come home. I refused. I was afraid he was only coming back because of our kids not because he wanted to be here...Fear.

 

I might as well had taken him and the OW by the hand and introduced them. I starved this man. I took my love away and when I was ready to make nice he was now resenting me. He was now afraid to trust me. That I would leave him again if it got tough.

 

I'm ashamed of my behavior. I'm ashamed of his also. I learner that my past is biting at my heels. That I have got to get a handle on these truths. That while I can be incredibly loving, sexy and nurturing. I also can be hard to reach. I pull away out of fear and stepped into pain of my, own making.

 

Yes, H is responsible for his actions. For his choices. This post really isn't about him I guess. Neither about OW. It's about what I learned about me. Journee has some work to do. H's affair forced us both to snap back into reality. Living in limbo was no place to be and the devil's playground for sure.

 

If you are still reading...thank you. I had to get this out. I'm going to make it after all.

 

As hard as it is to face, being able to understand yourself in these hearbreaking situations is necessary. Although my h was wrong to cheat, I also know that my actions long before the affair laid the path.

 

It is not pleasant to have reality snap at you, but what you do within yourself to learn and grow will set your future path. Thank you for sharing!

[carhill]

What did you learn about yourself?

 

That, indeed, I did possess the capacity to ignore customary sensitivity and hurt, and hurt badly. Such was a positive eye-opener as to the power of the capacity to hurt. The experiences, and lessons learned, have enabled a different, more moderate path, with stronger boundaries regarding accepting the behavior of others and making choices which, though not rewarded in this life, feel 'right'.

 

Unlike yourself, OP, I have no FOO issues to share. I came from a loving, married for life, household. If anything, the only FOO 'issue' was a choice my father made to not share his pain of his first wife leaving him and taking his children while he was at war. That choice, augmented by FFO modeling, helped 'sanitize' my view of women in a way which was unshakeable for many years. Life experience, marriage and divorce filled in the rest of the blanks. I understand dear old dad, long departed from this earth, much better now. Hopefully, there's a few years left to pay back the debt I owe him on other fronts. Life's about learning. Good luck in your relations.

[jnel921]

Being betrayed sucks. But there is work to be done on both sides.

 

For the remorseful and those BS who are willing to forgive.

 

I found that I was stronger than I thought. Have a plan B if it should ever happen again. I am hoping I will never have to use it.

[Journee]

As hard as it is to face, being able to understand yourself in these hearbreaking situations is necessary. Although my h was wrong to cheat, I also know that my actions long before the affair laid the path.

 

It is not pleasant to have reality snap at you, but what you do within yourself to learn and grow will set your future path. Thank you for sharing!

 

 

 

Boy, you said it. It can be unpleasant but completely eye opening. Who knew just accepting that someone loves me flaws and all would be so difficult and lead to such pain?

 

I was looking for all of the "why's" .....the answers were right in front of me. Doesn't change the events but can and will change my attitude going forward.