Tk123 Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 Hey there. I tried posting this in the "In Search Of" section but had no luck. These forums have been a great help to me lately and I appreciate it so much. As some of you may know who've read my previous threads, I have just come off of a Long Distance Relationship. She told me she needed to find herself and be alone (the usual BS). I finally think I'm past that but now I need some help. I've always been a quiet/shy kid and I think that's always put me back. I can't believe I'm saying this but I guess the saying "Nice guys finish last" is true :/. I'm at a point in my life where I find myself stuck. I'm a 19 year old guy and I hate to say this but I've never kissed a girl and I'm still a virgin. It kills me inside when I think about it and really had hopes that this previous relationship I was in was going to solve that (we were going to meet this summer). So now I'm single again. I'm a college kid and I know people say college should be the best 4 years of my life but I'm struggling. First of all, the particular major I'm taking makes it extremely hard for me to commit to a fraternity and for me to really enjoy my college life. I'm a music major taking over 18 credits and my plate is full with classes. When I first got to college I figured I'd meet a girl in my class and get to know her well and take it from there but that was never the case. Just my luck, the music department in my school consists of mostly guys and the few girls that are in the program were gobbled up by the more confident guys within the first week. I have a feeling that I'm never going to be in an intimate relationship with a girl. I still hang out with my ex from the high school days every couple of weeks but all I get is a hello and goodbye hug. I don't know what to do anymore. It seems like every part of my life is in tact except the relationship aspect. I'm a good student (made dean's list last semester), I got a great and loving family and I stay out of trouble for the most part. I've always had an issue talking to girls because of my shyness and quietness and I can tell that some people think I come across as "stuck-up" because of this even though I don't mean to be that way at all. Anyways, summer is just around the corner for me. My goal as of right now is to keep doing what I'm doing; finishing my spring semester strong and keep working out and looking/feeling good for the summer. I am almost over the whole long distance relationship break up at this point. My problem is this: I've never been a big "partier". I know some would suggest me just going to a party this summer and getting completely ****ed up but that isn't me. Don't get me wrong, I've drank before but never to the point where I've been drunk and I've smoked weed before but I don't want to stoop down to that level to meet a girl and do a one night stand sort of thing. I wouldn't say I'm a bad looking kid, I'm 6'3 and am skinny but in shape. (People say that height is a turn on for girls I think?) The thing that drives me down is my shyness and I know this. It takes awhile for me to open up to someone, and I feel like the only girl I'm confident around these days is my ex from high school that I still hang out with. My question to you all is what do you recommend I do? Summer for me starts early May and I already have plans to start working when I'm out of school. I promised myself that this summer I will finally meet a girl and have an intimate relationship with her but I have NO idea how I'm going to do that with my shy attitude. What can I do to get out there more and try to live like a normal teenager? I'm always home A LOT for the weekends when I'm not going to class (I commute to college) and I'm starting to think my parents think that I am strange for not going out more even though they won't admit it. I just want to be with someone, it seems like every guy my age has that girl in their life. Any help or advice that I can get is greatly appreciated. God bless you and thank you for the help in advance.
richard9 Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 Trust me when i say this, and i know you dont feel it, but you really have ALOT going for you!! you are young, you are in college doing well and you seem to have your head screwed on! i too was a late developer when it came to a relationship, i was shy and hadnt really been with a girl before, but i came to realise everyones different, and there are a hell of a lot of girls out there who like the good guy, shy type!! generally we are more thoughtful, caring and offer a more grounded relationship. as for inexperience, again there are girls out there who wont be put off by this or see it as a bad thing, least you are not a player and only after one thing. girls do see this, even though most of them seem to like the guys that will hurt them as they find them more exciting, go figure?!? you seem to be putting a hell of a lot of pressure on yourself to meet and be with a girl, i can understand that but you will find that when you take that pressure off yourself and just get on with living your life that you are more likely to meet someone and more likely to attract girls. girls like someone who is out there doing there own thing, who doesnt care if he is with someone because he is happy in himself. to meet girls you do have to make an effort to get out there, BUT go out and do something YOU enjoy, if you're out there doing something your not really interested in, along with the pressure to meet a girl, you will not be able to fully come across as happy and glad to be there. just some disjointed thoughts, hope one of them helped a little! and dont worry all good things come in time, just take that pressure off yourself and things will fall into place
na49 Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 Alright, let me do my best to try and give you some perspective on everything. I used to and still look at things like you do at times. I know where you're coming from, I'm 18, shy, in college, miserable over a BU, little confidence, feel like the sky is falling. Sadly, yes. Nice guys DO finish last. but why do they finish last? Well the reason we finish last is because we let everyone step on us and we don't have boundaries. @ssholes don't finish first though, so we don't want to become a prick. We just want to be someone with self respect who feels good about themselves. It's corny, but if you don't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you? You're putting wayyyyyy too much stress on being in a relationship. No girl wants to be with a guy who is needy and that's how you look right now when you're looking for someone else to be the key to your happiness. This is fine, I felt/feel the same way. Do you walk around campus and see EVERY guy holding hands with a girl? I know I don't. Yes I see couples, and yes it sucks because I think "wow.. I used to be that happy" but I can't really do anything about that. I usually look away and hope that the couple breaks up. (bah hum bug! I hate seeing happy couples now ) So what do I recommend? Well I recommend you keep worrying about yourself. Be selfish right now instead of looking for a girl to make you happy. Your relationship will be destined to fail if you're going to use her to make you feel better. Putting yourself out there is the advice that I keep getting, and I think that's probably the most important thing. Have you ever considered seeing a counselor? Yeah I know, I didn't want to see one either. but it really has helped. You clearly have some issues with self esteem and confidence (not sure if it was caused by the BU or not) but it will help. I know you want to be with someone. I think we all do. but you have to be realistic about your situation. With the issues you have, any relationship would be destined to fail. You're looking for another girl to fix all of your problems and make you feel validated. That's not fair to them. So why not take this time to work on yourself and be the best you, you can be? 4
OJ loved Nicole Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 Sadly, yes. Nice guys DO finish last. but why do they finish last? Well the reason we finish last is because we let everyone step on us and we don't have boundaries. @ssholes don't finish first though, so we don't want to become a prick. We just want to be someone with self respect who feels good about themselves. It's corny, but if you don't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you? So what do I recommend? Well I recommend you keep worrying about yourself. Be selfish right now Na, you're 18 and very very smart. I'm much older and didn't realize this until much later in my life, you've got a great head start. Sounds like you've been reading Dr. Glovers "no more mr nice guy"? -Boundaries are key, no one will respect you without them (not their fault, you never told them). -Life is hectic/chaotic, being nice/not having boundaries doesn't guarantee people will be nice back (tit for tat). It actually guarantees the exact opposite. -YOU are the only one responsible for getting your needs met. Nobody will go out of their way to meet your needs. Especially if you can't communicate/demand them.
Author Tk123 Posted March 30, 2013 Author Posted March 30, 2013 Trust me when i say this, and i know you dont feel it, but you really have ALOT going for you!! you are young, you are in college doing well and you seem to have your head screwed on! i too was a late developer when it came to a relationship, i was shy and hadnt really been with a girl before, but i came to realise everyones different, and there are a hell of a lot of girls out there who like the good guy, shy type!! generally we are more thoughtful, caring and offer a more grounded relationship. as for inexperience, again there are girls out there who wont be put off by this or see it as a bad thing, least you are not a player and only after one thing. girls do see this, even though most of them seem to like the guys that will hurt them as they find them more exciting, go figure?!? you seem to be putting a hell of a lot of pressure on yourself to meet and be with a girl, i can understand that but you will find that when you take that pressure off yourself and just get on with living your life that you are more likely to meet someone and more likely to attract girls. girls like someone who is out there doing there own thing, who doesnt care if he is with someone because he is happy in himself. to meet girls you do have to make an effort to get out there, BUT go out and do something YOU enjoy, if you're out there doing something your not really interested in, along with the pressure to meet a girl, you will not be able to fully come across as happy and glad to be there. just some disjointed thoughts, hope one of them helped a little! and dont worry all good things come in time, just take that pressure off yourself and things will fall into place Thank you for this it helped a lot! I know I do put a lot of pressure on myself and it's because it seems like anyone I talk to and explain my situation to says the same thing. "You got the hard part of your life figured out (grades and that stuff), girls are the easy part!" But that doesn't seem like the case for me :/ Finding the girl seems to be the hard part. Alright, let me do my best to try and give you some perspective on everything. I used to and still look at things like you do at times. I know where you're coming from, I'm 18, shy, in college, miserable over a BU, little confidence, feel like the sky is falling. Sadly, yes. Nice guys DO finish last. but why do they finish last? Well the reason we finish last is because we let everyone step on us and we don't have boundaries. @ssholes don't finish first though, so we don't want to become a prick. We just want to be someone with self respect who feels good about themselves. It's corny, but if you don't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you? You're putting wayyyyyy too much stress on being in a relationship. No girl wants to be with a guy who is needy and that's how you look right now when you're looking for someone else to be the key to your happiness. This is fine, I felt/feel the same way. Do you walk around campus and see EVERY guy holding hands with a girl? I know I don't. Yes I see couples, and yes it sucks because I think "wow.. I used to be that happy" but I can't really do anything about that. I usually look away and hope that the couple breaks up. (bah hum bug! I hate seeing happy couples now ) So what do I recommend? Well I recommend you keep worrying about yourself. Be selfish right now instead of looking for a girl to make you happy. Your relationship will be destined to fail if you're going to use her to make you feel better. Putting yourself out there is the advice that I keep getting, and I think that's probably the most important thing. Have you ever considered seeing a counselor? Yeah I know, I didn't want to see one either. but it really has helped. You clearly have some issues with self esteem and confidence (not sure if it was caused by the BU or not) but it will help. I know you want to be with someone. I think we all do. but you have to be realistic about your situation. With the issues you have, any relationship would be destined to fail. You're looking for another girl to fix all of your problems and make you feel validated. That's not fair to them. So why not take this time to work on yourself and be the best you, you can be? Thanks for your great response. I really am going to keep being selfish as you say for now. I want to try and finish this semester strong and make deans list again, then move on to working and making some money for myself. I'm hoping during this time that a girl comes along. I do want to put myself out there but it seems like the only way to do that is to go to a party or something which really ISN'T me! Na, you're 18 and very very smart. I'm much older and didn't realize this until much later in my life, you've got a great head start. Sounds like you've been reading Dr. Glovers "no more mr nice guy"? -Boundaries are key, no one will respect you without them (not their fault, you never told them). -Life is hectic/chaotic, being nice/not having boundaries doesn't guarantee people will be nice back (tit for tat). It actually guarantees the exact opposite. -YOU are the only one responsible for getting your needs met. Nobody will go out of their way to meet your needs. Especially if you can't communicate/demand them. Thank you for this! I completely agree with you. If anyone else has anything to add I REALLY appreciate it! I'm so thankful of the above responses and I really can't explain how much it means to me. Thanks again and God bless all of you!
Author Tk123 Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 I would love to hear from some more people!
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