Author krazikat Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 Out of curiosity, did you ever tell your husband the details from your fling? Did he want to know? It may help you both to get everything out into the open, no more wondering....... He absolutely wanted no part of the details at all from the beginning. He still wants no part of it. When I say this broke him, it did. And I have felt guilt ever since. He still cant talk about it without getting upset. He knows I ended it immediately upon seeing his reaction, he knows I love him and only him and he knows I have never cheated in the standard sense but it broke him.
Just a Guy Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Krazykat after you added details to your story I have thought about your situation and would like to add my views to what the others have said. I think it is a question of perspectives and although others have expressed a particular point of view about your husband I would like to take a different track. As I have said before, your husband is emotionally weak especially compared to you. What he did and how he reacted to the situation faced by him on discovering that you were intimate with another man and in effect had rejected him was that of a man who did not have the emotional strength to handle something like this. Something just snapped within him and instead of confiding in others he went into a shell and coped with his pain and anguish by taking to the bottle and drugs. I cannot say that you were blameless in what you did because if you had any misgivings about his intentions with regard to committing to you then you should have openly asked him about it. Maybe he is naturally shy and hesitant and cannot come out and confidently say what he wants. However that was your only error. At the same time it seems that what you did was in a way meant to slap him in the face as a wake up call because you felt that by not committing to you openly while still clinging on to you in public, he deserved to be humiliated into accepting his shortcomings. What you did does not intrinsically imply that you were wrong. As a woman who expected her man to openly accept her in public instead of just clinging on without committing himself, you were right to assert yourself and you did that precisely by initiating intimacy with another man. You could not be expected to hang in there endlessly hoping that your beau would wake up one day and get down on bended knee and ask for your hand. Like I said your husband seems to be a diffident man who is not confident of himself and is in awe of a woman like you. He lacks self respect and self esteem. It is this characteristic of his that I want to emphasize. What ever he did subsequently flows from this overpowering weakness of his. What he did was not to disrespect you but to bolster his own image of himself. That is why he does not blame you for his behaviour. A cheater in the normal mould would shift the blame entirely on you and accept no responsibility for himself. Your husband has accepted responsibility for what he did and clearly stated that you were not to blame for his behaviour in any way. The inference one can draw from this is that he will always have this weakness and therefore he will always be unreliable. You have to accept this upfront. With him it is like a disorder like BPD or some such and he will always be troubled by it as will you. With this knowledge you have to decide whether your great love for him will help you deal with him for the rest of your life or would you rather choose to live a life with some one else who would be able to provide you with the security and love that a good marriage caters to. As Jonah has said if you decide to divorce him and move away you will survive because you are strong but he will collapse and get back to his drinking and drug taking ways. So you see the choice lies with you. You have to decide one way or the other what it is you really want and such a decision includes the welfare of your children. Either way the responsibility on your shoulders is pretty heavy. Best wishes!
Author krazikat Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 You're Welcome for the honesty! You feeling bad for the OW? Perhaps you're feeling like, if you hadn't screwed up, then none of this would've happened! Perhaps that's true! BTW, quit calling the sleeping with other people a "mistake", it's not a mistake, it's Intentional, OWN IT! That's goes for your Husband's A as well! That may be part of why I feel bad for her...she seems so broken, too, as she kept telling me things that were contradicting what she had just said and she was crying and then was convinced she was hurting more than me because I wasnt crying. For example, she said he was only with me for money, but then said she gave him money all the time...and truth is I never give him money he had a job. She did drink/drugs with him, I dont drink and dont touch drugs...never have. She was a stripper, I am corporate professional. He respects me, well, aside from cheating on me. When we went on vacation, we went half. Well, from the sound of it, she went half? Smh. Anyways, she first told me that he said our marriage was fake for the kids and we slept in seperate beds. I almost think she believed it. So not true. Also, he buys me nice gifts...he never gave her any gift, by her own admission and his. So ya, he is using me for money but you give him money all the time...okay, how did I miss that? And to clarify, my mistake was not really having a heart to heart with my man before seeing someone else...I do call that a mistake...a bad one. The brief fling with the om was a choice I made based on my own ego...and I do own it. Unfortunately. Definately an action that is easily in the top of my "wish i could go back in time and change that ish" list...
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