Recently found out about affair...I hate feeling like this!

[krazikat]

I have not posted my story here yet, because I have instead been reading both the infedility and other person boards and trying to understand...trying to place myself in the stories...

 

I just found out less than 2 months ago of my husbands lta. 4+ years of our marriage, filled with lies. It is just sad. Painfully sad.

 

Tonight, as I was lying beside him as he slept I felt the urge to just punch him in the throat.

I am not a violent person. I would not punch him. But damn, I hate feeling this way.

 

I am a strong, confident, hard working woman. Not only did I take care of home, but I have been faithful to a fault. Working more than full time, yet still coming home and cooking dinner, frequent late night sex, pretty much on demand.

 

He remained loving throughout the affair. Even just cuddling while watching tv, or buying me gifts, going with me on some of my business trips, telling me he loved me everyday. All while he had another woman on the side. Telling her he loved her. Telling her we were not really "together" and slept in seperate beds? Only pretending to be a family for the kids? And she believed it...although then she says he was only with me for the money? But I guess he was getting money from her? Wtf? That makes no sense!

 

Okay, here is my story. *deep breath*

 

A few years before we got married, we were not together for a while after our daughter was born. This was for religious reasons on his end. He would not be able to come see me and the kids if we were dating, because we would need other people around to prevent any messing around. I did not realize this was the reason, and after waiting for a year, I began to date another man, who I slept with a couple times. He found out about it and I still remember the pain and tears in his voice. The hurt I caused. I immediatly stopped seeing the other man. Almost immediatly my now husband began drinking...very heavilly. I found out about a year later from a family member of his that he had been planning to propose to me before I started seeing the other man. They didnt know what had happened, only that he had been very upset and then stopped going to church and started to drink.

 

About 2 years later, time which I had been focusing on being a mother and was celebate and hoping he would forgive me, he did propose to me.

 

We got married, and I was so happy. I love him so dang much, then and now. But his drinking didnt stop. I hardly ever drink, and didnt want to encourage it. The drinking caused alot of problems. It got to a point that I threatened to leave him, even started packing his stuff for him. Around this time, his A started.

 

Fast forward...we had worked through our issues for the most part, were getting along great for years. He occasionally mentioned my brief relationship with the om, when we had not been together. I had worked with that man, so he had been very jealous and suspicious even though I had not cheated on him, and never would. I still wouldnt, even after what he has done.

 

What I know is that my brief relationship had broke him. I thought he had moved past it, but he never did. Had I understood his intentions, I never would have had a relationship with another man, and this breaks my heart, to think of how things could have been all these years had that not happened. And the only reason I had done it was to try and get my now husband out of my system since a year had passed and he gave no indication of wanting to be with me. Ugly, right?

 

So he never got past it. He thought I would sleep with someone else from my job, thought that he couldnt trust me. So when the opportunity came up, he started his A. We were in a dark spot in our relationship at that time. A few months after the A started, he went to jail for a brief period, and I flipped out, I am a professional, no drugs, career focused, family focused. I was so angry about what he was doing to himself and the impact on the family, while she embraced and consoled him. She didnt face every day life with him. Their time together had been basically partying and fun.

 

After about a year, we managed to work through our issues and became close, he seemed to be in better control of his drinking. Things were good overall...not perfect, but good. Ily were said multiple times a day, he would get upset if I wasnt making time for him, etc.

 

About 3 months ago I found out he had a secret phone when my daughter told me of a conversation she had heard. A very suspicious conversation. I talked to him, and he assured me that what was overheard had been misunderstood, that he loved me, that he didnt want to cheat on me, that he hadnt cheated on me. I halfway believed him, but kept my eyes open. About 6 weeks ago, i heard his secret phone going off in the closet. He was asleep. I took the phone...several dozen missed calls. I quietly took the phone outside, and just as I started to look at the texts, a call came thru again. I answered and what followed was a very ugly confrontation with his "girlfriend" of over 4 years. After the conversation, I went thru the texts. I found he had dumped her some time before, and she was mad, saying he only dumped her because he felt guilty getting p**** and then he had wrote back that he only wanted her. The catch is, we had just recently relocated out of state, so he wasnt going to be able to see her, and as sad as it sounds, i believe he was going to try and get her to send him money. My suspicion was pretty much confirmed weeks later when I had a civil conversation with her. Anyways, i immediatly woke him up and let him know I knew. He tried to keep denying ot until i laid it out for him...I effing knew!

 

I found out he was not only drinking alot, but other drugs were involved. He acknowledged the length of the A, which was also later confirmed with her. I have also confirmed with other texts he showed me that she had lied to me about many other things. She is not the type of woman he would have a real relationship with, she was a stripper when they were together, and I know that is not what he would accept in a real relationship. She doesnt realize this, she is truly hurt. She had acted initially like I was the ow, and said some very crazy things that I have confirmed were lies. Since dday he has completely stopped drinking and everything else. We have had many talks, I believe he is truly remorseful, and that he does love me very much. After a couple weeks, after I flipped out, screamed, cried, all of that, I decided to forgive him and try to R. He has been so good...but I still bave these nights where it just hits me hard. I am a good woman, a hard worker, and I take care of my family. But I do own up to my own behavior, when I treated him very bad as my reaction to his drinking, where instead of trying to get him help, I berated him and threw myself into the kids and work. There are things I could have done, but then things were good, I thought we were in a good place, but he was cheating on me, carrying on in an A while making me believe he was true to me.

 

He said he was relieved that he got caught. He said he had told him many things to justify his actions, and that I did not deserve that. He says he loves me so much, that he wants our marriage to work. That he wants to be with me. He is truely remorseful, has complety stopped everything, and is nc with tow. I take my vows seriously, for better or worse, and I think we are on the way to a stronger marriage...and I am so glad to see him getting healthy...but the magnitude of the betrayal just hurts so much! We are not tied by finances, and our kids are older, so divorce would be relatively easy. I have initiated a postnup so if we do divorce, the terms are already agreed upon. He could leave now and be with her, but he wants me. So I do believe him, but i hate feeling like this! I have made it absolutely clear that if he cheats again, there will be no more chances, period. He is a good man that has experienced a bad time filled with self destructing behavior. He drank more and more to try and drown out his guilt and then got caught up in other things when that didnt work...but The man he is when he is sober is amazing, that is the man I fell in love with and it is for that man that I stay...I just hope he can stay on the right path.

Edited March 30, 2013 by krazikat
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[Apolodor]

It's a sad story, but I don't think you should blame yourself. Your husband had a four-year affair while he was married to you.... he does not have any excuse for what he did! From what you are saying, your affair with the other man took place while you and your current husband were not together... Why was he so hurt about it?? It seems to me that he was slow in making up his mind regarding his commitment to you. So, in a sense, he brought that upon himself. You may be able to forgive him, but can you actually forget? His infidelity will always linger and you'll always have to live with the doubt he has created. You might be better off moving on and finding someone better......

[Just a Guy]

Hi Krazikat, am really sorry to read your story. However some things are not clear. Firstly, how long have you two been married? Also how long have you known each other and when was your daughter born? If you and your husband were not supposed to get together unless others were present then how did the two of you manage to get you pregnant? Finally, if your husband was not getting together with you for as long as a year then how is it that a simple thing such as the reason for not doing so, was not communicated by him to you, clearly enough, for you to avoid having a relationship with some one else. Something does not add up.

 

That said, I think your husband is a broken man. What emerges from your account is that he is not emotionally strong, as it seems, you are. After he found out that you had developed a relationship with some one else, something just broke within him and he was not able to help himself and he went on a drinking spree to drown his grief, stopped going to church, and generally went down the drain. Subsequently he may have tried to pull himself together and hence two years later proposed to you, thinking that getting together with you would possibly help him over come his problem. However that was not to be and with you being the strong and independent type he possibly got into a deeper funk and that is when he started his affair. His affair was a defense mechanism meant to give him the kind of control and self assurance that he wanted but could never have with you.

 

He may not be a bad man but he is definitely weak. I would think that he would need your patience and strong love to help him get back on his feet. Does he have a job? If so does he earn at least as much as you do? If not that may be yet another reason for his feeling of insecurity and worthlessness. It is up to you to decide whether you want to stick with him knowing he is weak or leave and look for another partner who you can respect as an equal. In my humble opinion I do not think that beating him over the head with a big stick is going to do any good either for him or for you. It may only drive him into a deeper funk and he may never recover. I would think that he needs professional help to set right what is broken within him. I hope this helps in some way. Cheers!

[krazikat]

Hi Krazikat, am really sorry to read your story. However some things are not clear. Firstly, how long have you two been married? Also how long have you known each other and when was your daughter born? If you and your husband were not supposed to get together unless others were present then how did the two of you manage to get you pregnant? Finally, if your husband was not getting together with you for as long as a year then how is it that a simple thing such as the reason for not doing so, was not communicated by him to you, clearly enough, for you to avoid having a relationship with some one else. Something does not add up.

 

That said, I think your husband is a broken man. What emerges from your account is that he is not emotionally strong, as it seems, you are. After he found out that you had developed a relationship with some one else, something just broke within him and he was not able to help himself and he went on a drinking spree to drown his grief, stopped going to church, and generally went down the drain. Subsequently he may have tried to pull himself together and hence two years later proposed to you, thinking that getting together with you would possibly help him over come his problem. However that was not to be and with you being the strong and independent type he possibly got into a deeper funk and that is when he started his affair. His affair was a defense mechanism meant to give him the kind of control and self assurance that he wanted but could never have with you.

 

He may not be a bad man but he is definitely weak. I would think that he would need your patience and strong love to help him get back on his feet. Does he have a job? If so does he earn at least as much as you do? If not that may be yet another reason for his feeling of insecurity and worthlessness. It is up to you to decide whether you want to stick with him knowing he is weak or leave and look for another partner who you can respect as an equal. In my humble opinion I do not think that beating him over the head with a big stick is going to do any good either for him or for you. It may only drive him into a deeper funk and he may never recover. I would think that he needs professional help to set right what is broken within him. I hope this helps in some way. Cheers!

 

Wow. On so many things you said. so first to clear up some details...we have been married 9 years, our daughter is 12. We were dating and then I got pregnant, he turned back to religion while I was pregnant. And I believe he tried to communicate his intentions but not clearly, more in a way where it was only after everything happened I could piece it together. We were very young when we started dating, early 20's. We were on a level playing field then. I only made a little more then him but had better benefits, so when our daughter started having health problems, he quit his job to be the stay at home parent. My career grew while he was at home, even though he did go to school during that time, and he doesnt have a job now as we just relocated for my job...so yes, I make quite a bit more than what he could make now and this is something I know to bother him. When we have fought he has said things like he doesnt need me, etc. That is a big piece I forgot to mention. I pay all household bills, and he never asks me for money really...but according to tow, she was always giving him money? To support his addictions I would guess...but yes, my husband, who I have such a long history with, is broken. I am going to try a R, and honestly if we dont work out, I would take months or even years for just me and my kids...

[krazikat]

Dear OP,

 

First at all I would like to say how sorry I am about your situation, 4 years affair and lies is really a long time! I hope you will be able to overcome it and be happy in your life!

 

I think your case is a difficult one... why? I know you say you were not together with your boyfriend when you slept with the other guy... it maybe felt that way for you but obviously it didn't feel that way to your husband... moreover when he was already preparing himself to ask you to marry him... You don't ask someone to marry you if you don't consider them your partner already...

I have read 3 times your post before daring to write an answer because I think your case is really difficult. I don't want to justify the actions of your husband (cheating is never justified and it never solve an issue..it only creates a new one!) but I would like you to take that fact into consideration as I for once understand how he may have felt your relationship was unbalance as you slept with one guy when he felt you were already together. His way to solve the unbalance was totally wrong... first drinking...then the affair... he is a broken person and lying to the person you are supposed to love and take care is despicable! And for 4 years! Wow

I really would like to say that he needs to begin to proof you he is totally remorseful and willing to do the heavy lifting to help you heal your marriage, I can understand how your world as you knew it has been destroyed and trust may be an issue from now on. It is only up to you to decide if you want to continue in the marriage with him... and it is up to him to proof you every day he deserves a second opportunity.

 

Good luck!

 

Thank you for the kind words, and yes, such a difficult experience. I will never forget how devastated he was when he found out. It crushed me even more when I found out he had been intending to propose...and I know he never got over it...when I first found out about his affair, when we were first talking and I was so hurt he even explained how I was going to feel based on his experience with me, and that hurt, too! He still hurts from it, even all these years later. I love this man completely, even tho he is broken I know he loves me, too. After I found out, he barely ate or slept for weeks. I believe him when he says he was relieved to be caught, too. I am giving him another chance, I think that it is possible for us to finally have the relationship we both want, but the pain of knowing he did this.A.for so long is a hard one to swallow. I jst hate feeling so angry and sad.

[Darth Vader]

Thank you for the kind words, and yes, such a difficult experience. I will never forget how devastated he was when he found out. It crushed me even more when I found out he had been intending to propose...and I know he never got over it...when I first found out about his affair, when we were first talking and I was so hurt he even explained how I was going to feel based on his experience with me, and that hurt, too! He still hurts from it, even all these years later. I love this man completely, even tho he is broken I know he loves me, too. After I found out, he barely ate or slept for weeks. I believe him when he says he was relieved to be caught, too. I am giving him another chance, I think that it is possible for us to finally have the relationship we both want, but the pain of knowing he did this.A.for so long is a hard one to swallow. I jst hate feeling so angry and sad.

 

 

I feel for you both, However, I think in some way it is possible your husband's affair was possibly out of revenge against you for hurting him the way you did when you weren't married. Sure you both weren't married, but, you both had a daughter together, so that alone should've been an indicator to you. He was going to be around for a very long time.

 

I don't condone his affair as it's not fair to you, however, what you did to him was just as unfair, because you could've communicated to him that you were considering dating other people, Hence, you would be bringing OM around your daughter. That would've been an indicator to your now husband to get moving on the proposal.

 

Does your daughter remember this OM and what happened? Was your daughter there with you when you were having sex with the OM?

[Darth Vader]

I'm going to try to say this gently because I think you are fragile right now, but half way through your story, I was saying, NO, NO, NO. You are blaming yourself and it's so wrong. Frankly, it makes me a little perturbed at you and I don't even know you. Starting with whatever this "religious" thing that kept your husband away from you, that he didn't tell you about. Were you supposed to read his mind? Were you not supposed to go on with your life when you thought it was over? I"m sorry but this part made me angry at you, for blaming yourself and frankly I was thinking what a dickhead, blaming his booze on you too. That and this affair, and the booze, please see it for what it IS, his problems, caused by the piss poor way he chooses to handle things.

 

Also, your husband may be sorry for the affair and his boozing and I'm sure he does love you, but until he becomes accountable to himself for his piss poor choices, your marriage isn't fixable and I'm sorry but you are enabling him because you are taking part of this on as your fault.

 

Also I think you really need to actually see who your husband really is, he is NOT a good man as illustrated by his choices and by letting you take the fall for some of them. He is not accountable, not at all.

 

 

He did attempt to communicate this fact, however it wasn't well enough for her to "get it", so she says!

[krazikat]

I'm going to try to say this gently because I think you are fragile right now, but half way through your story, I was saying, NO, NO, NO. You are blaming yourself and it's so wrong. Frankly, it makes me a little perturbed at you and I don't even know you. Starting with whatever this "religious" thing that kept your husband away from you, that he didn't tell you about. Were you supposed to read his mind? Were you not supposed to go on with your life when you thought it was over? I"m sorry but this part made me angry at you, for blaming yourself and frankly I was thinking what a dickhead, blaming his booze on you too. That and this affair, and the booze, please see it for what it IS, his problems, caused by the piss poor way he chooses to handle things.

 

Also, your husband may be sorry for the affair and his boozing and I'm sure he does love you, but until he becomes accountable to himself for his piss poor choices, your marriage isn't fixable and I'm sorry but you are enabling him because you are taking part of this on as your fault.

 

Also I think you really need to actually see who your husband really is, he is NOT a good man as illustrated by his choices and by letting you take the fall for some of them. He is not accountable, not at all.

 

LG, I do want to clarify that while I do feel guilt for what I did so long ago that guilt has been with me ever since that happened, long before the affair...I basically felt I should give the whole picture of how things progressed, including when I did break his heart and he started drinking. I do not blame myself for his affair, that was a poor decision he made, while an addict, while faces with the own who embraced his drinking when I did not. He is not blaming me, he has expressed what he has dealt with after what I did...and I did make a poor choice back then, one that hurt him significantly. He is accountable, he has not touched alcohol or any drug since, and has made it clear to me that I didn't deserve it, that he does love me, that he wants our marriage to work. I just write such a book that there was not enough emphasis on that. He is NC with tow, and he is definitely showing me that he wants to be here. Actually, when I started to talk about that part of our past and sounded like I was blaming myself, he hugged me and told me to stop, said it was not my fault that he made bad decisions repeatedly, that it is his fault. His poor decision. Had he:mad: not shown true remorse than he would be gone.

[krazikat]

I feel for you both, However, I think in some way it is possible your husband's affair was possibly out of revenge against you for hurting him the way you did when you weren't married. Sure you both weren't married, but, you both had a daughter together, so that alone should've been an indicator to you. He was going to be around for a very long time.

 

I don't condone his affair as it's not fair to you, however, what you did to him was just as unfair, because you could've communicated to him that you were considering dating other people, Hence, you would be bringing OM around your daughter. That would've been an indicator to your now husband to get moving on the proposal.

 

Does your daughter remember this OM and what happened? Was your daughter there with you when you were having sex with the OM?

 

Oh no, my daughter has absolutely no idea that any of this happened, and she was definitely not around when it did. And yes, I believe you may be right about revenge. I don't think he ever truly let it go, married me anyways, and then started to feel resentment towards me. I am very independent and driven and I think that he also has struggles with being the stay at home parent. This was absolutely not a situation of a dead beat dad, this was because of medical issues with our child, but society still looks down on stay at home dads, and he has struggled to overcome that while looking for work, too.

[krazikat]

He did attempt to communicate this fact, however it wasn't well enough for her to "get it", so she says!

 

I totally didn't get it, not until I saw how hurt he was. And I still didn't know he had been planning to propose until about a year after it happened when a family member of his finally told me. But none of them even know what happened.

 

I immediately ceased all contact with the om, because I had never stopped loving my now husband. But yes, I was young (23) and just didn't get it. It was a mistake that unfortunately has continued to have a negative impact.

[Darth Vader]

Oh no, my daughter has absolutely no idea that any of this happened, and she was definitely not around when it did. And yes, I believe you may be right about revenge. I don't think he ever truly let it go, married me anyways, and then started to feel resentment towards me. I am very independent and driven and I think that he also has struggles with being the stay at home parent. This was absolutely not a situation of a dead beat dad, this was because of medical issues with our child, but society still looks down on stay at home dads, and he has struggled to overcome that while looking for work, too.

 

 

Somehow I didn't think you were the type to do that around your daughter, but, it had to come up anyway to eliminate it.

 

He may not fully realize his A may have been out of revenge, however, subconsciously or consciously (too hard to say) he may have used it as a motivator to justify his actions to perhaps level the playing field, WHICH WERE WRONG! I HATE CHEATING! Just as I feel your actions before were wrong as well, IMO. I say that last part, because, to him, you were his woman, which is something you both share great regret for.

[Darth Vader]

I totally didn't get it, not until I saw how hurt he was. And I still didn't know he had been planning to propose until about a year after it happened when a family member of his finally told me. But none of them even know what happened.

 

I immediately ceased all contact with the om, because I had never stopped loving my now husband. But yes, I was young (23) and just didn't get it. It was a mistake that unfortunately has continued to have a negative impact.

 

 

Have you both considered in revealing as to what has transpired? BTW, don't call what you did as a "mistake" as he can't call what he did a "mistake"! Sex is intentional, not a "mistake"! By calling it a "mistake" you and hubby continue to not accept responsibility and the consequences to your actions!

 

Cheaters do this to minimize their actions to avoid guilt and coming to terms with doing said actions above! Yes, to your husband, you DID cheat on him, Although, there are many here who would disagree with me. A man, such as myself, can and/or do relate to how your husband may feel, yes, men will consider what you did as cheating!

 

You have to remember a Man and a Woman think differently, sometimes they do think the same way, but, just on different levels.

[krazikat]

Somehow I didn't think you were the type to do that around your daughter, but, it had to come up anyway to eliminate it.

 

He may not fully realize his A may have been out of revenge, however, subconsciously or consciously (too hard to say) he may have used it as a motivator to justify his actions to perhaps level the playing field, WHICH WERE WRONG! I HATE CHEATING! Just as I feel your actions before were wrong as well, IMO. I say that last part, because, to him, you were his woman, which is something you both share great regret for.

 

I hate cheating, too. I think it is weak, I think it is selfish, and absolutely wrong. What I did, I have always felt such regret over it. I have never considered myself a cheater, but what you have said is true...to him, I did cheat. Truth be told, I feel like I cheated. I can't let go of the guilt...especially when I realized fully the impact it had on him.

 

I always tried to make myself feel better about it by saying we weren't together, but when I found out he had been intending to propose I felt, well, it is hard to put into words. Shattered, maybe? But you are right.

 

We are working through it. It is not easy, but we have really talked quite a lot. Considering everything we have been thru and the love we have for each other, I believe we have a chance. Everything is out in the open now, and now we have to move forward...a 4 year affair is such a long time, and I have been dedicated to him 100% since my bad decision. I need to let go of my anger. Sometimes I do good, but then other times I am just so pissed about it all. He is doing everything to show me that he wants me. Your words are helping me process this situation, I appreciate the no holds barred honesty...I need that!

[krazikat]

You did not cheat.......he abandoned you. He didn't explain, how were you to know what his intentions were?

 

 

I hope some one else chimes in and helps you see that you are taking responsibility for his problems. SMH

 

Well, he hadn't abandoned me. We still saw each other every day. We went to dinner at friends homes, with couples, he and I would be the only ones not official. It was like being in limbo. I was confused by this. My belief was that if be loved me, then he should have claimed me. I know he was not saying anyone else. But it wire me down emotionally, like I was stuck on something that just wasn't happening. I did not know he was planning to propose, and I started seeing someone without telling him. Like Darth said, looking back I can see how my now husband thought of my actions as cheating. I see it that way now, as well.

 

But don't mistake this, while I feel guilt and feel thru my actions led him to break down, he is responsible for his actions. He chose to marry me, I thought he had moved past it. And I do not condone his cheating, I am very hurt by it and do not think he made good choices on his own. When I found out, I flipped out. I screamed, cried, screamed some more. He is fully responsible and trust I do know that. However, I also know that I also made mistakes, and I own those mistakes. I am not perfect, so even though I have always said I would leave of he cheated, even though after I found out and flipped out I called a divorce attorney to initiate divorce, I also realized that I contributed to a breakdown in our marriage. I am confident enough to own it, and decided that I did want to try to heal our relationship after he showed me he wanted to. I have not cheated on him in the standard sense, and have been dedicated to him. His a has devastated me. But at the same time, I know the man I fell in love with is worth trying to work it . It may sound like I am making excuses for him, but I am not. I am fully aware that he was wrong. This story is our history....my actions directly led to his drinking issues. Those drinking issues caused problems in our marriage. He has now been clean since dday, showing me that he can overcome his addictions to work on our marriage.

 

I do appreciate your honesty in what you see in my situation, and I welcome your comments. Maybe I am in denial? I have read many of your posts, and you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and I agree with much of what you say, so please, bring it! I can be stubborn when my mind is made up, but perhaps reviewing your words will help me see something else? Anyways thank you.

[krazikat]

I also want to add that I had another child when I was a teenager. Her biological "father" is really more of a donor. He abandoned me and has never been involved in her life. She was 6 when she last saw him, and even before that it had been very sporadic at best. My now husband stepped into the role of being her father since I became pregnant with his child. Even when we were not technically together. His family has also embraced her as their own blood. He loves her as his own. Although he has made bad choices, he is a good man. Broken, perhaps, and definitely not perfect...but he has good qualities.he is a wonderful father, he is a caring person...if he sees someone having a bad day, he will try to say or do something to cheer them up, even strangers. Anyways, just thought I would throw that out there, too.

[Furious]

KK

 

You sound like such a kind and compassionate woman and I'm very sorry for the anguish you're going through.

 

I admire that you own your own mistakes and can have empathy for your husband.

 

I've read and re-read your posts and I get the feeling you're going in circles seeing your husband for who he is and yet defending him.

 

 

It's as if your husband has guilted you into his behaviour and it seems he has a pattern of blame shifting.

 

He left you in limbo with a baby before you were married, he expected you to be celibate while he persued his religion and made no real commitment to you.

You moved on and he then wanted to marry you and felt betrayed.

 

You showed remorse and have been faithfull ever since, but that transgression he cannot forgive and he names that for his drinking problem.

 

So years later he not only is he still drinking but he also gets into drugs and the cheats on you for four years, but somehow he has you feeling that it's partly your fault.

 

Your husband doesn't own his mistakes, he knows he can lay the guilt trip on you. It seems to be a pattern of his.

 

For four years he told you everyday he loves you, cuddled you, and carried out his deceit and it would still be going on if you hadn't discovered this.

 

I worry that your husband is manipulative and can turn on the charm when necessary, but his actions speak louder than his words. I find it troubling that he drinks, takes drugs and cheats on you for four years but has managed to portray himself as a victim and guilt you into it.

Edited March 31, 2013 by Furious

[krazikat]

KK

 

You sound like such a kind and compassionate woman and I'm very sorry for the anguish you're going through.

 

I admire that you own your own mistakes and can have empathy for your husband.

 

I've read and re-read your posts and I get the feeling you're going in circles seeing your husband for who he is and yet defending him.

 

 

It's as if your husband has guilted you into his behaviour and it seems he has a pattern of blame shifting.

 

He left you in limbo with a baby before you were married, he expected you to be celibate while he persued his religion and made no real commitment to you.

You moved on and he then wanted to marry you and felt betrayed.

 

You showed remorse and have been faithfull ever since, but that transgression he cannot forgive and he names that for his drinking problem.

 

So years later he not only is he still drinking but he also gets into drugs and the cheats on you for four years, but somehow he has you feeling that it's partly your fault.

 

Your husband doesn't own his mistakes, he knows he can lay the guilt trip on you. It seems to be a pattern of his.

 

For four years he told you everyday he loves you, cuddled you, and carried out his deceit and it would still be going on if you hadn't discovered this.

 

I worry that your husband is manipulative and can turn on the charm when necessary, but his actions speak louder than his words. I find it troubling that he drinks, takes drugs and cheats on you for four years but has managed to portray himself as a victim and guilt you into it.

 

Yes, I do see I am going in circles. It is all still very fresh and I am definately still trying to come to terms with the truth of it all.

 

He is not the one turning this on me, I am doing that myself. I was the one who brought it into our talks, and other then him using it as an example for how he understood some of what I was feeling, he told me himself that his behavior is not my fault. I think that I am focusing on it more as I try to piece together in my own mind our story. I saw first hand how what I did impacted him and the changes in him after it happened. Also, he had been planning to propose to me before I did what I did, and I found this out not from him but his family, who still do not know what I did back then.

 

I also find his years of lying and drugs troubling...extremely so. I have never felt as hurt and betrayed as I have these past several weeks. And I hate it. Anxiety, depression, and addiction run in his family, and it is just all very sad. Yes, he has been a a**h*** to say the least. But I cant help but wonder how things would have been different if I had not done what I did. I am the one doing the wondering, he is not blaming me. I have never let go of the guilt, from when it all went down, which was years before his A even started...but I also realize my reaction could be my own denial over the magnitude of what has happened since it really is still new...i truly appreciate your words and like I told lg, bring it! I need to fully face this situation.

[Furious]

Yes, I do see I am going in circles. It is all still very fresh and I am definately still trying to come to terms with the truth of it all.

 

He is not the one turning this on me, I am doing that myself. I was the one who brought it into our talks, and other then him using it as an example for how he understood some of what I was feeling, he told me himself that his behavior is not my fault. I think that I am focusing on it more as I try to piece together in my own mind our story. I saw first hand how what I did impacted him and the changes in him after it happened. Also, he had been planning to propose to me before I did what I did, and I found this out not from him but his family, who still do not know what I did back then.

 

I also find his years of lying and drugs troubling...extremely so. I have never felt as hurt and betrayed as I have these past several weeks. And I hate it. Anxiety, depression, and addiction run in his family, and it is just all very sad. Yes, he has

been a a**h*** to say the least. But I cant help but wonder how things would have been different if I had not done what I did. I am the one doing the wondering, he is not blaming me. I have never let go of the guilt, from when it all went down, which was years before his A even started...but I also realize my reaction could be my own denial over the magnitude of what has happened since it really is still new...i truly appreciate your words and like I told lg, bring it! I need to fully face this situation.

 

 

It's early days and it's perfectly normal to feel like you're going in circles. I remember those early days and the shock coupled with the pain was so hard on me too. My mind was spinning trying to make sense of it all, as if I had a huge jigsaw puzzle and trying desperately to put all the pieces together.

 

There are so many stages that as a betrayed spouse you will go through and it truly is a roller coaster of emotions.

 

It takes to time to let it sink in. I recommend you get individual counselling for yourself, specifically someone specialized in infidelity, to help you navigate through this difficult time.

 

Your husband needs to own his dysfunction ad he needs to be proactive in getting himself counselling and treatment for his addictions.

 

Sadly, there's no getting around pain but only working through it.

 

Hugs

[Jonah]

Your story is a great example of "no ones fault". Cause and effect years before you met. I like that part "celibate for a year because of religious reasons...". Boggles my mind what the chaos religion can create. LDS I wonder? Yes, your man got hurt and he dealt with it by using alcohol and woman to escape. Now stone cold sober and nothing but reality... all the suppressed emotions will be rushing in like flash floods. Add onto that remorse of hurting his true love. You sound strong. You could move on... This guy may not hold together, he sounds a mess. Or you could do what you can to keep him clean and sober - no easy task. No matter what though... best to learn to let it go. Not your fault, not his fault, not her fault. This is where the road has lead all of you. Now after disaster, can you work together to mend your lives? Or should you mend your lives separately? If you do separate , that would probably be it though. The guy will likely nosedive. With you he has a slight chance.

[krazikat]

It's early days and it's perfectly normal to feel like you're going in circles. I remember those early days and the shock coupled with the pain was so hard on me too. My mind was spinning trying to make sense of it all, as if I had a huge jigsaw puzzle and trying desperately to put all the pieces together.

 

There are so many stages that as a betrayed spouse you will go through and it truly is a roller coaster of emotions.

 

It takes to time to let it sink in. I recommend you get individual counselling for yourself, specifically someone specialized in infidelity, to help you navigate through this difficult time.

 

Your husband needs to own his dysfunction ad he needs to be proactive in getting himself counselling and treatment for his addictions.

 

Sadly, there's no getting around pain but only working through it.

 

Hugs

 

Oh Furious, that is exactly what it feels like. And then I am investigative by nature, so I just keep looking for answers. I have been scouring the internet since I found out, checked out every book I could find on the topic from the library, even talked to tow. Talking to tow was perhaps the least effective...she is hurt, too, and she just kept lying about things so I really cant believe anything she has said, so even tho the conversation was civil, the only thing I know from it as fact is that she is an emotional mess which has helped me forgive her.

 

So any idea how long I can expect to feel so crazy emotional?

I go to sleep thinking about it, wake up thinking about it...ugh. I am going to look into ic and mc. That is definately a good idea.

[Furious]

Oh Furious, that is exactly what it feels like. And then I am investigative by nature, so I just keep looking for answers. I have been scouring the internet since I found out, checked out every book I could find on the topic from the library, even talked to tow. Talking to tow was perhaps the least effective...she is hurt, too, and she just kept lying about things so I really cant believe anything she has said, so even tho the conversation was civil, the only thing I know from it as fact is that she is an emotional mess which has helped me forgive her.

 

So any idea how long I can expect to feel so crazy emotional?

I go to sleep thinking about it, wake up thinking about it...ugh. I am going to look into ic and mc. That is definately a good idea.

 

 

I can't predict how long it takes, it's different for everyone, but the standard period of time that's been said is between 2 to 5 years to heal from infidelity.

 

The first months are the hardest and any new information and lies can set you back to square one again.

 

I really do think individual counselling is extremely important, actually that should come first before you even attempt MC.

 

Hang in there KK:love:

[krazikat]

I can't predict how long it takes, it's different for everyone, but the standard period of time that's been said is between 2 to 5 years to heal from infidelity.

 

The first months are the hardest and any new information and lies can set you back to square one again.

 

I really do think individual counselling is extremely important, actually that should come first before you even attempt MC.

 

Hang in there KK:love:

 

Thank you so much for the kind words.

 

I never thought that he would do this to me, and then when my suspicions were raised a few months ago K never imagined that it would be such a long a. That is so hard to swallow. He is being accountable and trying, but it will take time. At first I just knew I had to divorce, because I was soooooo mad and had become quite obsessive about the details and I knew I could not live that way. Deciding to r was not easy, but considering our history I feel I need to for myself, so I know I tried. And I love him like crazy. But oh these feelings!

[krazikat]

Your story is a great example of "no ones fault". Cause and effect years before you met. I like that part "celibate for a year because of religious reasons...". Boggles my mind what the chaos religion can create. LDS I wonder? Yes, your man got hurt and he dealt with it by using alcohol and woman to escape. Now stone cold sober and nothing but reality... all the suppressed emotions will be rushing in like flash floods. Add onto that remorse of hurting his true love. You sound strong. You could move on... This guy may not hold together, he sounds a mess. Or you could do what you can to keep him clean and sober - no easy task. No matter what though... best to learn to let it go. Not your fault, not his fault, not her fault. This is where the road has lead all of you. Now after disaster, can you work together to mend your lives? Or should you mend your lives separately? If you do separate , that would probably be it though. The guy will likely nosedive. With you he has a slight chance.

 

When I look at the overall story it makes me so sad...I know he loves me, and I love him, so we will try to work together to mend...but even with that, he cheated for so long...there is no denying he had a full on relationship with tow. That hurts. I feel like a ons would have been easier to deal with. And i feel so bad for tow even tho she has lied to me so much...is that normal?

[Darth Vader]

Thank you so much for the kind words.

 

I never thought that he would do this to me, and then when my suspicions were raised a few months ago K never imagined that it would be such a long a. That is so hard to swallow. He is being accountable and trying, but it will take time. At first I just knew I had to divorce, because I was soooooo mad and had become quite obsessive about the details and I knew I could not live that way. Deciding to r was not easy, but considering our history I feel I need to for myself, so I know I tried. And I love him like crazy. But oh these feelings!

 

 

Out of curiosity, did you ever tell your husband the details from your fling? Did he want to know? It may help you both to get everything out into the open, no more wondering.......

[Darth Vader]

When I look at the overall story it makes me so sad...I know he loves me, and I love him, so we will try to work together to mend...but even with that, he cheated for so long...there is no denying he had a full on relationship with tow. That hurts. I feel like a ons would have been easier to deal with. And i feel so bad for tow even tho she has lied to me so much...is that normal?

 

 

You're Welcome for the honesty!

 

You feeling bad for the OW? Perhaps you're feeling like, if you hadn't screwed up, then none of this would've happened! Perhaps that's true!

 

BTW, quit calling the sleeping with other people a "mistake", it's not a mistake, it's Intentional, OWN IT! That's goes for your Husband's A as well!