femme4 Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 I just discovered this site and I love it! I would really appreciate some advice in my situation, so here it goes... We went on three dates back in December, during which time he immediately showed sincere interest - after 3 dates, he went away on a trip he had planned for 6 weeks. Over those 6 weeks, he sent me a handwritten letters, several emails, a postcard, and was pretty consistently in touch with me when possible. He constantly said how he was so surprised that he could be so taken by someone so quickly. After he got back, it seemed like it almost immediately went into relationship mode, but this was mostly the pace he was setting himself. I'm very cautious in relationships and slow to reveal my feelings, but he was devoting a lot of attention and energy to me, so I went along with the pace since we both seemed so obviously smitten with each other. After a few weeks, he had to travel for work for a week and he kept in touch while away, and he purposely flew back on valentine's day so we could spend it together. After that, the whole next week he was oddly distant and wasn't making any plans with me. So I played it cool and just said that both of our schedules seemed busy this week so we should try and find a time of the weekend when we would both be free. He said brunch on sunday. We went to brunch, and as soon as we were together, everything seemed fine and he was affectionate and loving, and I though that maybe I was imagining the distance and he was just truly busy. Well, we get back to my house and HE starts 'the talk' with me - saying that he feels like things have been getting serious and it's getting to a point where we should define what this is - BUT he’s not ready for a relationship. I was surprised and told him I'm in no rush to get serious, but he told me he doesn't feel comfortable casually dating because he needs to know he's in it 100% to commit and put effort into it. He said he wasn't sure if he was getting cold feet about committing or if I wasn't right for him. He said he couldn't imagine anyone more perfect, but he couldn't shake off his uncertainty. He suggested maybe we take a break so he could think about things- to which I responded that I felt like a break would lead me to emotionally close off from him and that I didn't want to be with someone who wasn't sure about me or that I had to convince to be with me. He cried during our conversation, saying that just thinking about losing me brought him to tears, but he couldn't deny his uncertainties - meanwhile I didnt shed a single tear. It ended with him saying he needed a little time to think about things and he would let me know. The next evening I got this email: You did everything right. I can not imagine being happier to have found you, let alone to have spent so much time together. If I am honest though, right now is just too fast. I have to step back. I feel horrible for making you feel vulnerable, and even worse if I've hurt you. I will miss you more than you will ever believe. I'm so sorry for not being ready. To which I responded: Obviously I'm disappointed and upset because I enjoy spending time with you, but frankly I'm also surprised that you were able to reach that decision so quickly. I felt that there was something special between us, but I am also aware that timing is everything. I don't understand where your reservations and doubts are coming from since we've only ever had an amazing time together, but I respect how you feel. I do wish there was a way to work through that, but if you simply don't feel the same way, then it is what it is. Your email sounded rather definitive, so clearly I am going to move forward with my life. However, if it turns out that it is just a matter of having some space and time, and you have a change of heart sometime in the near future, please let me know. I hope maybe we can talk about this further at some point if there is anything left to be said... No response, so I went into no contact which lasted an entire month, when out of the blue he sends me a Facebook message saying "Not sure I'm allowed to send this - but I'm just too damn proud of you - congratulations on the exhibition!" because some of my artwork got accepted into a show, which I had posted on FB. I responded a day later with a simple "thanks, I'm pretty ecstatic about it. how have you been?" And then he responded just telling me about what he's been up to with no real lead up to continue the conversation. That was earlier today, and I haven't responded yet. I'm feeling really confused, and I'm just wondering why he got back into contact with me, and what to say in response to this meaningless small talk. I really liked him and would like to get back together, but I don't know how to proceed here... Thanks for any advice and sorry about how long this is!
Author femme4 Posted March 30, 2013 Author Posted March 30, 2013 does anyone have any experience with an ex getting back in touch with small talk? How is it best to respond (or not respond) if you want them back?
Standing_Firm Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 does anyone have any experience with an ex getting back in touch with small talk? How is it best to respond (or not respond) if you want them back? I am confused about this as well. We agreed to take an emotional break, NC, i have held up my end of the bargain, but feel like she is trying to bait me into doing something through small talk. The only experience i have with small talk is that when it happens, the significant other wants something........in my case, more money. IMO, you should decide what it is that you want.........together or apart. Again, in my situation, i have gone too far down the road......new apartment with furnishings, i have had a LOT of debt wiped out and don't really care to go back and pick up the debt she taking on all by herself!! I am about 95% sure of what i want........sounds like you have some choices to make.....again, just my opinion.......good luck!!
Standing_Firm Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 One more thing......if you do respond, respond kindly. I have not done that in the past and have paid for it ......
Lostint Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I'd be pretty angry if someone treated me like this. I think you should stand your ground and stick with no contact. Whatever is going on with this guy, I doubt there is anything you can do to change his behaviour/how he feels. He sounds very mixed up.
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