Wrong guy, but it hurts

[fabulousgal]

I know he's not the one for me. I've known for awhile, but was somehow deluding myself into what it could be.

 

My attraction to him was unreal. He did treat me very well in some aspects but not so much in others. I sold out on some important things to me. I will miss him terribly, but know it is for the best. I wish the grieving could just not happen. I will miss him in my bed. His hair. His perfect body. His smell.

 

I feel like such a wanker for saying all that, why miss someone to this detail who doesn't feel the same way. I know he doesn't love me. I know I deserve someone who does. Wish I could find that soon.

 

I have no issues I think with NC. But I don't want the nightmares of him with someone else, which is likely to happen. I care too much. I am an introvert and an over analyzer. I couldn't open up properly to him which was the demise of our relationship. But he never helped.

[ForeverHopeful1]

I am so sorry youre going through this. It sucks when you find someone you really like but run into road blocks like these. Hugs!

[fabulousgal]

Thank you. I really appreciate that.

 

NC starts now. Just replaying the facts over to myself and with a few friends...he's not all I've cracked him up to be. No job. Moody, critical, a lot of baggage. He has some great qualities, but is selfish.

[CudLRoo]

You've seen the light. Well done!

 

"Moody, critical" is never really good, I find.

[fabulousgal]

Sad this morning. Thinking about the last conversation, how it was a list of all my mess-ups, faults he had with me over the last 8 months.

 

He told me he trusted me more than anyone here. I guess it isn't enough.

 

But then I question my self-esteem for staying in this relationship. Not to say I was perfect, my issues were more around shyness/anxiety (so I would say, take long to call him back because I didn't want to appear too needy).

 

Here are some of his cons:

• No full-time job in 32 years, looking to start a career now. Before it has been living at home, pursuing and then leaving degrees, and then a one year volunteer stint
  
• Has a terrible relationship with his family. Talks about how they have caused him to be angry, indecisive and have a low self esteem. Yet, he runs to them to validate decisions or complain about friends/me
  
• Wouldn't perform oral sex on me but would ask me for it
  
• Held it against me I waited to want to have sex, 3-4 months. Told me that now he wasn't ready and why should the woman have the say
  
• Has very strong feelings that women are "entitled" and thinks that women who have kids shouldn't have special treatment at work
  
• Sort of cheap, everytime I tipped (I used to be a server) he would comment
  
• Since he had no work he offered to do a few home improvement projects for me for bday/valentines. Those are in Dec/Feb and are not complete
  
• Takes everything much more emotionally than others. He gets snippy with others (friends, family, me). Our last fight before the breakup was because I took an hour to text him back, I was out with a friend and he and I were "tentatively" meeting up around 10:30-11. I texted him at 10:15 to see what the plans were. He was mad
  
• Was very mean to me during the break up. Told me his sexual performance issues were because of me. Until then, he's always tried very hard to reassure me that it is him and his stress level
  
• I've been helping him with his job search very supportively. I would say I've been his rock. He didn't care
  
• I have tried to address some of his issues with me like not holding his hand, taking too long to text, initating more over the last month. He told me it was "too little too late". To me that is a clear indication that this was a cop out
  

Now, why would I want to go out with him again? I don't I just miss him at this present moment. Cried this morning. I blame me a little for my shyness, but I think a man that really loved me would try to make me come out of my shell instead of blaming.

[fabulousgal]

Probably not, he had no issues asking me though for oral! I am so angry with all of the crap he railed me on. I mean he brought up things like, "on our third date you got mad because I was late." Really?

 

It also got a lot more hateful than that. I want to send him an email telling him I agree with the fact we should be over but he was no picnic either.

 

I don't think I am wanting to do this for a response, but to redeem myself a little as not a pushover that was so into him. Or does NC do that better?

[Minneloa]

Or does NC do that better?

 

Yes. I urge you not to give any more of your time or emotional energy to this guy. He's not worth it, and you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.

[fabulousgal]

God I agree, but I am having a hard time stopping with the emotional energy. It is done. I have to accept it and ENGRAIN IT.

[Minneloa]

I know it is difficult. I am a fellow introvert/over-analyzer. But I think you can do it! One day of NC a time, and I think you will start to feel stronger and clearer as your emotions catch up to your intellect.

 

I am rooting for you.

 

M.

[fabulousgal]

Thank you. Threw out all of his toiletries, deleted photos, contact info, hid old presents.

 

I have a headache and I'm hungry but quite teary. I just curled up in a ball and sobbed like a kid. It was so strange.

[fabulousgal]

Ate, worked out, walked in the sun with a friend, came home and just bawled again.

 

A new guy has asked me to watch a game with him and a friend this evening, should probably go.

 

I just keep thinking about what a failure my ex tried to make me feel like yesterday. Everything was my fault. But I know it's not, it's hard when someone you care for tells you all these things.

[fabulousgal]

I keep replying to myself haha, but no I just wanted to post here instead of contacting my ex. I got the urge for a "how are you" message, but am refraining as best as I can.

 

I read something online about asking your friends and family how happy you seemed. Well I did. Not one friend said I seemed happy and they were unhappy with how he treated me during arguments (huge temper) and then a few times when I confided things in him, he didn't really react like a partner.

 

I journaled this morning, it is clear the cons outweigh the pros. Sadly to say most of the pros are about my attraction to him and the fact he was always wanting to spend time with me (which sometimes was too much for me, but I am really overly independent and knew that). I feel like most men who like their girlfriends would make time. So attraction can't sustain a relationship, especially in one where I was not satisfied sexually.

 

I hope this can help me move on faster and not make any stupid mistakes like contacting him or wallowing for too long. Spent the last 2 days mostly at home, with a brief work out and meet up with a friend yesterday. My friends and family have been AMAZING. My mom came to stay with me and my friends are texting me and letting me vent as much as I need. It is sweet.

[Minneloa]

Hang in there! It sounds like you have a strong support system, which will help tremendously.

 

I think it will just take a while for your feelings to catch up to your intellect. Until then, resist the urge to reach out to him. No good can come of it.

[fabulousgal]

How can one help feelings catch up to intellect? Or am I looking for a solution to something that just has to happen naturally?

 

I tend to dwell, so I bet I could have kept myself more occupied the last 2 days. I have spent most of the day trolling the internet or chatting with friends.

[Minneloa]

I am a dweller myself, so I empathize. I have found that isolation and free time are my enemies when I am experiencing pain and loss. Even though my impulse is to keep to myself and stay home, this only makes things worse. So, as much as possible, try to surround yourself with people and stay REALLY busy. Spending time outside can be helpful, too, in changing your perspective and shifting your mood. If you have a dog, walk it twice a day. Or call a friend to go sit in a park, weather permitting.

 

Also, if you are up for it, you could try responding to other peoplle's threads here. It can feel good to offer help to others who are in similar situations.

[fabulousgal]

Well it's chilly here today. Started the day teary. Made it to the gym, almost back at my normal run distance. Probably could have gone the whole way but trying to just be easy on myself. Yesterday I cried in the locker room, today I held it off until I got back to my apartment.

 

All of my friends and my family DO NOT want me to try to reconnect. Mean, jerk, spiteful are all words I am hearing. I can't believe with all that, I miss him. I am really wondering what the f* is wrong with my self esteem.

 

I have deleted all contact info, old mails, cards, gifts, etc. Felt liberating. I am trying to remind myself that it is really over, this isn't just a fight. When we were breaking up, he blamed it 100% on me. There are so many things that I accepted and forgave him for (mostly very cruel blowups), that I never bring up again.

 

And I couldn't do it that night either. I wanted to make it work so much that I just told him how great he was (when he was in a good mood, he was). I just remember a lot of the time I wouldn't say much or respond to his negative rants because I was worried he'd get mad. Knowing all this, I should be celebrating rather than crying

[Robs1693]

I am in EXACTLY the same position atm!! He dumped me even though he was completely horrible and manipulative. I've thrown everything away, blocked on fb etc. And I'm so angry at him for everything he did, I don't want to be with him, I don't want to talk or look at him. Yet I'm wondering where he is, what he's doing, who he's talking to?

 

[fabulousgal]

Sweet jesus, don't let me break NC.