Heartache3 Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 (edited) Hi everyone, it's been quite a while since I've been here. 2 years I think? Nice to see some familiar faces and a few new ones as well. First I just want to say, many of you were a wonderful help to me when I suffered the loss of my first love. I really owe it to you guys for guiding me in the right direction when I lost my way. Let me tell you, those days are long gone and I am no longer in contact with that girl anymore. I look back at the foolish mistakes I made, now with a laugh and a sigh of relief. Thank god that's over. I'm a much stronger more mature individual now. Leading a very different life in a different country, and making the best of it. (This will be a long read, so just giving you a heads-up! ) Since that awful time (ex gf of 3 years cheated twice and left me for a multitude of relationships after that), it took a year and 7 months... until about late November 2012 when I finally found someone better. I met her the previous year (Nov 2011) at my university, she was a Japanese exchange student and we took a linguistics class together. Of course, during that time I was still getting over my mess with the ex, but as I got to know her more throughout that year, more and more did I see that we could be a great match together. Every moment with her felt natural. Genuine, smart, bubbly, adorable girl. I don't think she knew it at the time but I was falling head over heels for her. Well she left back to Japan that June, but I had applied and got accepted to a prestigious 1 year study abroad program in Tokyo and was getting ready to start my adventure. I came here in September and we met up a few times, things were better than ever. Late November came. It was Christmas season, so I took her out to a great dinner date and walked among the Christmas lights together. By this time, we were practically a couple; her friends, even her mom got wind of the idea and would joke with her to "just date him already!" That night was when I decided to make the leap of faith. I finally asked her out (Japanese love to make a big deal about "confessions of love", it's a part of the culture), and I can still remember her cute response in Japanese when she said , "Yes!". And for the first time in years, I finally felt I reached the end of that very difficult road, and ready to start anew. Well we went strong for about 4 months. We were both very busy individuals -- I am doing computer science research at a lab, and she is job hunting and getting ready to graduate soon. In Japan, job-hunting is a very strict and rather stressful season in a student's career where companies "mass hire" soon-to-be graduates, so it takes a lot of one's time. So naturally, we didn't meet up very often. Perhaps once every couple weeks, just for a day around town. We live about 3 hours away from each other by train, so it was understandable. I did meet her family once over dinner, and she came over to my place once where I made her a king crab dinner and for some cuddle time. Incidently, that night was also the night we shared our first kiss, though again, due to our busy schedules, neither did we get many chances to get physical. 2 makeouts -- that's about as far as we ever got. No matter, I thought. I'm a patient guy and knew that since I was her first major boyfriend, I would take things slow with her and respect her space and needs. Our relationship, therefore, took a very interesting dynamic. We never talked on the phone or skyped (that was too expensive/time consuming for her) so 99% of our communication was through texting. We also aren't 100% fluent in each other's languages but we got into a fun habit of mixing English and Japanese, or going long stretches in each other's native tongue, which I thought was a lot of fun and pretty cool. Something I took a lot of pride in. And in the times we did meet up, sparks were flying. I really thought we had something special. That all changed Saturday night about two weeks ago. The week prior, she got pretty busy going to interviews, but normally would always make some time at night to say hi. Well she got pretty distant that week, and after about 3 days of not talking, I asked jokingly in my Japanese, "Hey, you alive? Did you survive the interviews?". Her response (hours later) wasn't quite as enthusiastic or affectionate as I had hoped, but I brushed it off and assumed she was just busy/stressed. Well a few more days of no talking go by. At this point, I'm frustrated and missing her like crazy, and a fleeing thought passes my mind -- "is she even taking our relationship seriously? I wish she could just put a bit more time into our relationship." Saturday morning and I've had enough. I've always respected her individual space and supported her all the way through her job-hunting; I would send her long messages and a kiss/good luck at the end, but I felt like I wasn't getting anything in return but a "Thanks! I'll do my best!" and then days of silence. I told her I have some problems that I want to work out, and ask to talk later that night. She messages back saying, "Yeah, me too". Bam, I knew it was over at that point. We got on skype and for an emotional 30 minutes, she told me she "lost her feelings for me and only sees me as a friend now." Took me completely by surprise. Because here I was, thinking we had a wonderful romantic connection together. She kept insisting that we should go back to friends, but I learned well from my last breakup that as the dumpee now, this was no way possible. I straight-forwardly told her, "I'm sorry, I can't be your friend right now because it hurts too much. Maybe after some time passes we can consider it, but please let me heal first." That hurt her but she understood. We ended it soon after, and thanked each other for a great 4 months together and best of luck in our future. I began NC as soon as we ended that last call. Deleted her number, email, and Skype on my phone. Removed and blocked her on Facebook. Stored pictures, cards, and memories away in my desk. And since then, I haven't talked to her once. My last breakup prepared me very well for what I should do. It's been 2 weeks now, and I've had some time to reflect. It hurts so bad because this was a girl who was a million times better than my ex. Her family adored me and we got on amazingly well. It wasn't a perfect relationship, of course. I can see that we did differ a bit in terms of our values. She was more conservative and a bit embarrassed/hesitant on the idea of having sex (she's a virgin, so it makes sense), whereas I have quite a bit of experience and really wanted us to explore more sexually together. She is also religious (Buddhist) and I'm not, but even then I enjoyed going to the temple with her and praying. To me, I felt proud to embrace her beliefs and culture even if I didn't quite follow it. As far as hobbies go, I think she was lacking a bit there as well -- I really enjoy playing piano and swimming in my free time, but come to think of it, I can't think of a single hobby she had other than studying/being with the family. Individual (preferably shared) hobbies are important to me, and I could tell that was lacking a bit in the relationship. The thing that confuses me the most right now is, why her feelings almost suddenly changed. I try to believe it, but deep down I feel as though there was something else going on. I had a talk with a mutual friend of ours (Japanese guy) who told me that Japanese people who do job-hunting have to devote 110% of their time to it. They have to man their phones for potential employers to call (even on weekends), attend seminars on a daily basis, and attend as many interviews as possible. If they don't get a job during this crucial time, then their time is up -- most will go through another year of university to "try again" next year. According to him, "they can't possibly enjoy dating or talking on the phone or FB anytime they want." Inherently workaholic, which as an American seems absolutely crazy to me. I did my absolute best to respect her and give her plenty of space during this stressful time, but at the same time, I wanted her so badly to relax and spend some time with me. If only for one day out of the month. I wanted to make her dinner and massage her feet after a long day in heels. I planned a ski trip to the Nagano mountains, a double date making chocolates with her friend/friend's boyfriend, bowling, karaoke, you name it. None of that ever happened. She just never had time for that stuff. In retrospect, I honestly believe she faced a tough choice (probably with some influence from her family). Either it was dating me, or getting a job. And that's what hurts the most, because I can balance my busy life with a girlfriend... but apparently she couldn't. Loveshack, this breakup hurts pretty bad. I miss this girl like crazy and I'm hanging on to this false hope that when she does get a job in the next few months, she'll come running back. I don't know what to think... it's all so confusing. Did she really lose feelings? Or was that just her attempt at making the best of the situation (having her cake and eating it too)? I realize that maybe we weren't the most "compatible" couple, but she was truly special to me. I know better than to contact her right now, and when those inevitable breadcrumbs are thrown my way, I know to ignore them. Any advice on how to cope with this? Sorry for the long read... I just had to get my feelings out somewhere. Thanks so much you guys, you're all so awesome. I'll be sticking around here for a while to help you as well! Stay strong, we can all get through this! Heartache3 Edited March 29, 2013 by Heartache3 details
The Tallest One Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 Man I feel for you! I think you might have to let her go! It hurts I know but you've been through it before and as you know, someone more compatible will come along! I think in time you will realize its for the best! I'm six weeks post bu and even though I know she wasn't good for me, being the dumpee sucks! You can wait and see, but I have waited and its never good! Jmo! All the best my friend!
Author Heartache3 Posted March 30, 2013 Author Posted March 30, 2013 Man I feel for you! I think you might have to let her go! It hurts I know but you've been through it before and as you know, someone more compatible will come along! I think in time you will realize its for the best! I'm six weeks post bu and even though I know she wasn't good for me, being the dumpee sucks! You can wait and see, but I have waited and its never good! Jmo! All the best my friend! Thanks so much for your reply. I completely agree with you. The first stages of these kinds of "amicable" breakups are always the hardest. Unanswered questions, mixed with confusion, sadness, and moments of feeling okay with things. Just trying to ride through the wave of emotions as they come at me. Considering the unbalanced effort that was put in the relationship, I do think it's for the best. I can recall her saying (rather awkwardly) the day we got together, "If it doesn't work out, we can always be friends again right?". Silly me to say, "of course we can", but what else was I supposed to say? I was crazy for this girl. Looking back now, perhaps she wasn't sure about her feelings for me. Whether to take things from friends to a relationship. But in those kinds of situations, that's a risk we all take, right? I know someone is out there for me. I'm doing my best to put myself out there and meet some really great people. A few months back I met pretty cool Japanese girl at the university I'm studying at. Really pretty girl. She's been to my city in the States and she's also a pianist () and in about an hour I'm going to attend her recital. Should be fun! It's gonna hurt for a while but I know things will be alright.
NewPerspective93 Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 Hey, my heart goes out to you for what you're going through; it's a b*tch I know, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Maybe she wasn't ready to date because of that imminent time when she'd be applying to different jobs. Glad you learned to implement NC early on rather than lingering on until you finally "snapped" into utilizing it. I know what it's like losing someone you really cared about, so I understand what you're going through. Maybe seeing that you two didn't see eye to eye as you originally thought (hobbies, etc.), will help in realizing that maybe there was something missing between you two. Hang in there, get a grip hold of your seat because this ride isn't going to be fun. I wish I could give more of a response, for I really want to help out. All the strength to you. Cheers.
Author Heartache3 Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 (edited) Hey, my heart goes out to you for what you're going through; it's a b*tch I know, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Maybe she wasn't ready to date because of that imminent time when she'd be applying to different jobs. Glad you learned to implement NC early on rather than lingering on until you finally "snapped" into utilizing it. I know what it's like losing someone you really cared about, so I understand what you're going through. Maybe seeing that you two didn't see eye to eye as you originally thought (hobbies, etc.), will help in realizing that maybe there was something missing between you two. Hang in there, get a grip hold of your seat because this ride isn't going to be fun. I wish I could give more of a response, for I really want to help out. All the strength to you. Cheers. NewPerspective, thank you so much for your kind words. It's been a rough weekend with thoughts of the ex/what she could be up to... just taking them as they come. Haven't caved in to breaking NC even though I can picture myself doing it. Day by day, like you said I just have to grip my seat and hold out during the worst of it. Sometimes I just wish she could have balanced a little better. I think that life could get a lot busier with children, finances, a house, etc, so her not even being able to hold onto a relationship as a student kind of frustrates me. I can do it, and I make frequent trips around Japan with my lab, I live on my own and with my own income, and do my best to support my sick mother back home in the States... why can't you balance? Then again, maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way. Perhaps it's not a matter of getting her career started. Maybe she didn't see anything in us from the get go. This feeling of being lost drives me crazy sometimes... but I just have to accept that no matter what reason, at the end of the day we're not together anymore. On a lighter note, this new girl is pretty awesome. I think she's better at piano than I am! Very soft spoken but a sweet little thing she is. A couple years younger than me, and hit it off really well. We went out to dinner Saturday night after her recital, with her and her music club friends who also performed that day. Some amazingly talented musicians. Had an awesome time chatting in Japanese, and being the only international student there, felt really nice to completely immerse myself. A really fun experience. I left that evening a new member of their club and feeling pretty great about life. All in all, putting yourself out there is a powerful healing tool. Hopefully things will start looking up. Edited March 31, 2013 by Heartache3 details
lop98 Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 (edited) I think that life could get a lot busier with children, finances, a house, etc, so her not even being able to hold onto a relationship as a student kind of frustrates me. I can do it, and I make frequent trips around Japan with my lab, I live on my own and with my own income, and do my best to support my sick mother back home in the States... why can't you balance? Then again, maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way. Heartache, I followed your advice of reading this in the other thread... really sorry about your situation, it's sad. I'll tell you a bit of my experience with this BU, where my studies played a BIG role: I never finished what I started in school, always quit, got jobs instead and usually the very demanding kind, I was busy all the time but they were the kind of jobs and I had the kind of lifestyle that did allow me to maintain a relationship with someone, because it's steady, it's constantly demanding that the stress becomes familiar in a certain way and allows you to squeeze (or 'balance') other needs. Once I decided to finish my studies and pursue a PhD, I had to give it all up, even go back to depend on my family financially, the moment I get distracted (missing a deadline, delivering a below-average assignment), my grades resent it immediately, being this devoted is another kind of stress, unlike any job for me, and a single number modifies my future, the chances of getting into the PhD program. This is probably what everyone's been through but I honestly don't understand how they've managed it so flawlessly, for me it requires entire concentration. Falling in love with my ex impacted my grades in a catastrophic way (I still can't recover them for the life of me and who knows if I'll even get in that program), obviously it's not his fault but my inability to multitask, but I was (am) so in love that I kept removing 'minutes' from assignment time just to talk to him, care for him. It would hit me days later and I tried to break up so many times (mostly I wanted a break so I could concentrate- my brain was already hijacked though, who was I fooling..). Meanwhile he had his own needs, wanted me to travel with him... he'd make his best effort to understand me even though his anxiety was obvious. Finally he just dumped me. He didn't believe I couldn't balance.. he thought I was playing with him or pushing him to some second option category. Right now, despite his current relationship and our distance (and all the damage we've done hurting each other since the BU), I wish he would wait for me.. keep some sort of room in his heart for me, because once I'm in the PhD program, it's only about 'maintaining' the rhythm, no more struggle, I'd be everything he wanted... For me, this girl is very busy and afraid of screwing up her future for an unclear type of relationship and possibly scared of just diving in and experiencing the rollercoaster of love, intimacy, especially in a time where her professional life needs full focus... what sucks is that she'd rather give up on all of these emotions instead of taking the risk, but I can relate, every time I tried to break up with this guy, I really thought that I was offering him nothing, which would lead us nowhere, which would lead to a heartbreak... and regardless of who broke who, that's exactly what happened. Maybe she just accelerated a decision one of you was going to take by being in different life stages?. Edited April 1, 2013 by lop98
Author Heartache3 Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 (edited) lop98, Wow... it really helps to see it all from your point of view. Thank you for taking your time to read and help me out. It really means a lot to me. I also read your previous response in Steve's thread, and I too am so sorry for your hurt. Being dumped is no fun, isn't it? Especially when you and I are doing the best to our ability in our relationship, even though we're so busy... just when we think we can have it all, it just gets taken away. It really sounds like you and I are on opposite ends of the same situation. Let me tell you what I think, maybe a little from your ex bf's perspective. The biggest problem I see with your ex bf was his lack of communicating what he really felt. In all likelihood, he felt just as I did. He wants nothing more than for you to succeed and get your PhD – I mean, you’re in a relationship to support each other, and enhance each other, right? However, I can’t blame him for thinking the way he did. I’m just as guilty of it too! For a while I thought I was being pushed into a second category of sorts. I don’t want to generalize too much, but guys are sort of naturally “possessive”. If anything one thing is taking too much time away from the girl in our life (job-hunting, intense PhD studies, another guy, etc), no matter how “understanding” we may seem… we begin to feel anxious and a bit “threatened”… and question our own self-worth. We certainly want you to be your own person, and give 110% to your goals and dreams, don’t get me wrong. Even after my ex told me “Trust me, I’m not trying to ignore you, I’m just doing the best I can!”, I did my best to understand. Then I would send a sweet message, she would read it (my phone shows if they’ve been read), and not respond for days. This natural side of me all of a sudden seemed to come out… I seemed to forget all about what she said, and would convince myself she was doing it on purpose. Am I being too clingy? Should I be giving her even more space than I am now? Why can’t she just take 5 seconds to say yeah, I’m doing great, I miss you! These questions kept going round and round in my head. I felt threatened that I was somehow “less important” to her. Silly, right? haha it sure is. I certainly wasn't "less important" to her, there was just a huge lack of balance. Likewise, your ex felt threatened that your studies were taking away from the life you were building together, and getting in the way of his commitment to you and desire for a future with you (traveling, parenthood/babies, etc). Well, this was really his fault. He should be thinking the other way around! He should realize your PhD is working toward an even better future for you both. I’m sure he didn’t want to be your number one priority… that would be selfish thinking, wouldn’t it? If he’s anything like me… he wanted to be a supplement to your life. Like turning your life from a song, into a symphony. He just wanted to be a balanced, yet fun, exciting, beautiful part of your life. Just as what I wanted with mine. What I did that perhaps your ex bf didn’t do was truthfully communicate these feelings to you. He never came to you and said something like, “Hey lop98, listen, I know how busy you are and I completely understand and respect that. I want to share in your success and support you! But lately you’ve been working like crazy on your PhD and I feel a little ignored. I’ve been feeling disconnected from you. And it really frustrates me because I’m willing to make time for you, and commit to you. I wish we could spend a little more time on us. Can we work something out? Maybe like a half-hour of “us” time at night? A massage to help you relax? It doesn’t have to take away from your assignment time. Anything, just so I can remind you that I love you. And that we’re in this together.” …right? These words are exactly what I told my ex (slightly changed for your situation, and translated from Japanese ). Of course, it didn’t help in the end when she decided to give up on us. But what we did have was strong communication, in two languages. Maybe this is what you need, too. And now, we’re broken up and hoping they’re waiting for us. Sucks, I know. :/ The fact of the matter is, we don’t know what they’re thinking. I don’t know what mine is thinking when she gets ready in the morning and sees the necklace I got her for Christmas on her dresser. Nor do you know what your ex is thinking when his gf leaves for the day. All I can say is, don’t torment yourself with the “is he/she thinking about me?”. Think about yourself right now. You can be sure he hasn’t forgotten about you, and if he one day decides to give it a second chance with you, he’ll do anything to climb over your wall of NC get to you. Just keep moving forward. By all means, do learn from this experience. I’ve learned a ton just from hearing you! Thanks to you, I know I shouldn't ask for so much, and respect the fact that some people just need to devote more time to achieve something they want. But at the same time, I think to have a successful relationship with a busy person, there needs to be an active attempt to balance. It’s important as a guy not to think that our busy girlfriend is “ignoring” us. Rather, she’s just doing what she thinks is best for herself. And the best I can do, if she wants to keep going with me, is show her how to balance. As we grow older, responsibility becomes greater. Getting that promotion at your job, while getting ready to take your daughter to her first day at school. Taking care of your wife when she gets sick, and planning on your next vacation when she gets all better. Maybe I’m too young to be thinking about things like this (I’m only 22! ) but if there’s anything more important in a relationship than communication… or even sex… it’s balance. Edited April 1, 2013 by Heartache3 details
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