hopefuldoubtful Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 I'm not sure I'm in the right place but I think this is probably the closest place for me. Recently, everything in my life fell apart. I found out my fiance has a pretty serious cocaine problem. I also found out that the was seeing his ex behind my back. I don't really want to make excuses for him, because what he did isn't excusable, but for whatever reason I feel like he's ready to get some help and ready to change things. He's asked me to let him repair our relationship. I know that most would tell me to leave. If it was any other woman he did this with I would. I feel really torn about it. Obviously I am hurt and angry with him. We are long distance right now and he broke my trust. I specifically asked about this ex because I was concerned about her and he told me not to worry so much. They were together for 8 years and I know that person has had a huge impact on him. She and I have been in communication frequently, and it's been nice to talk to her if I'm being honest. What he did was wrong - so wrong. She has a really serious alcohol problem (as bad as drinking mouthwash to get drunk) and tried to kill herself over Christmas. He works with her brother, and she asked to see him. He said that he felt really awkward and didn't know what to do so he went and they started hanging out and it just progressed and got out of control. He put her recovery in danger. He turned his damn brain off about anything that required an actual choice. For the record, she didn't know about me. I don't blame her at all. The fault lies totally on him. He has a history of bipolar disorder that he self medicates. He has issues with depression. I realize he is a trainwreck, and I should spare myself the trouble. I can't blame what he did on the drugs. He made the conscious effort to lie to me about this. Still, since he told me, he has really been trying. He's seen people about the drugs and about the bipolar. He is an open book, answering any questions I have. He has been 100% available and right there whenever I need him. Checking in with me when he gets to/leaves work and FaceTiming with me every night for several hours at a time. He has been very active about getting help. This is a huge change from the person who just recently banged his head into a wall so hard from frustration he passed out. The ex has confirmed everything to be true. His mother knows the entire story now and we've talked as well. He is making a very serious effort to take responsibility. Our talks have been more candid and it's hard to hear him talk about how much he hates himself. He said he's so ashamed and really just wants to prove to me that he can be good for me. During his visit here last week he sobbed the entire time and I know he's deeply sorry. I still can't get over the fact that it's not okay what he did to me. He's 31 years old - he should be handling life better than this! He needs some serious help. I'm not sure what to do. I deeply care about him and can't help but think that if he wasn't in such a bad place this wouldn't have happened. The distance, the drugs that I didn't know he was doing, the unmedicated bipolar, it's just a huge mess. But it did happen. Here I am, totally broken and upset, and trying to piece things back together. Can people change? I'm not sure that I can even work past the anger and betrayal. I don't know what to do. I know he cares about me, and I care about him, but I worry this is just too much to deal with. At the same time my dad always tells me that people are not disposable and that you don't just throw people away. I guess I'm just looking for any advice or input. He knows that I haven't made up my mind one way or another yet, and he also knows the conditions I would have to put in place to continue a relationship with him. He knows that there are no more chances. Help?
Blondie1 Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 People can change if they want to badly enough. Changing this much dysfunction will require herculean effort imo. How good is he at doing things when he puts his mind to it? The thing is that even if he changes, he will always be high risk relationship material. People tend to revert to their worst coping mechanisms when they are under stress and no one can go through life without major stress thrown at them from time to time. Only you can decide if you want to live with that risk or cut your losses and walk away. How good are you at maintaining your boundaries. I ask because many times people who are involved with highly dysfunctional people have their on significant issues. Perhaps counseling would help you sort all these things out. I think the most important thing is whether or not you can trust yourself to recognize and act on the need to walk away should you stay and he is unable to live up to your conditions. Blondie 1
Author hopefuldoubtful Posted March 29, 2013 Author Posted March 29, 2013 People can change if they want to badly enough. Changing this much dysfunction will require herculean effort imo. How good is he at doing things when he puts his mind to it? The thing is that even if he changes, he will always be high risk relationship material. People tend to revert to their worst coping mechanisms when they are under stress and no one can go through life without major stress thrown at them from time to time. Only you can decide if you want to live with that risk or cut your losses and walk away. How good are you at maintaining your boundaries. I ask because many times people who are involved with highly dysfunctional people have their on significant issues. Perhaps counseling would help you sort all these things out. I think the most important thing is whether or not you can trust yourself to recognize and act on the need to walk away should you stay and he is unable to live up to your conditions. Blondie You're absolutely correct. I think he's pretty good about following through on things, he hasn't touched any type of drugs for over two weeks. That's not to say it's not a struggle for him. He told me that he was "absolutely pathetic and sick of it." I can admit that with him I feel like I may have a hard time with boundaries. Not with the infidelity part of it, because honestly if I see one inappropriate text message or email I will have no problems walking away. I just haven't felt like this for anyone before, and I don't want to make things worse by leaving him without any consequences for some pretty crappy actions. Thankfully I don't have any issues. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, not depressed, good financial place. I just genuinely do care about him. And he's only ever been wonderful to me until this whole trainwreck happened. And I realize that with her it's not something he intended to do maliciously, even if it was SO wrong. I feel like he deserves a chance to prove himself, but I don't want to be stupid either. :/ You're right about the coping. The problem is he doesn't have any coping skills besides really bad ones. He knows this. And he really does want that to change. But I'll never be able to 100% discount that this won't be a problem again. Thank you for your help. It does mean a lot. I guess I just want to know if others out there have looked up and felt overwhelmed and decided to give it a go anyway.
krazikat Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 You're absolutely correct. I think he's pretty good about following through on things, he hasn't touched any type of drugs for over two weeks. That's not to say it's not a struggle for him. He told me that he was "absolutely pathetic and sick of it." I can admit that with him I feel like I may have a hard time with boundaries. Not with the infidelity part of it, because honestly if I see one inappropriate text message or email I will have no problems walking away. I just haven't felt like this for anyone before, and I don't want to make things worse by leaving him without any consequences for some pretty crappy actions. Thankfully I don't have any issues. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, not depressed, good financial place. I just genuinely do care about him. And he's only ever been wonderful to me until this whole trainwreck happened. And I realize that with her it's not something he intended to do maliciously, even if it was SO wrong. I feel like he deserves a chance to prove himself, but I don't want to be stupid either. :/ You're right about the coping. The problem is he doesn't have any coping skills besides really bad ones. He knows this. And he really does want that to change. But I'll never be able to 100% discount that this won't be a problem again. Thank you for your help. It does mean a lot. I guess I just want to know if others out there have looked up and felt overwhelmed and decided to give it a go anyway. Yes. I just posted my own story...and my wh has addiction issues...primarilly alcohol but it spiraled into more during the course of his affair. I have been with him when he was not this way, and he is a wonderful man. Also, my actions caused his downward spiral, so i feel like if I gave up now without giving it a chance then I would regret it down the road. If it doesnt work out, if he cheats again, then at least I will know that I did everything I could to make our marriage work. Funny thing, the only person I have talked to about my situation is my sister, who is also my best friend. I thought she would tell me to divorce him immediately, but instead she td me that if he is trying, if nc, if no drinking, etc. then give him another chance, because she knows he is a good man when the drinking is not involved. I am still knee deep in recovery, but i love my husband. If he can fight the self harming behavior, then I will be here for him. I am wishing you the best in your relationship and ((hugs)) to you...loving an addict when you have never been one is very hard, but I do believe in trying.
Just a Guy Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 Lady get out while you can! Trust me you will spare yourself a load of troble down the road. He is simply too toxic.
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