My stress level is spiraling out of control!

[FazedOut]

Ok, so I'm really spinning here. H & I have been separated since early Oct., had a few rough weeks where I was devastated & clearly unhappy about the situation. I constantly brought up our marriage troubles (from him: we drifted apart a long time ago, we lost the spark, he missed having fun & intended to do so). I asked him to work on things & he shut down...it showed on his face.

 

So, I read Divorce Remedy & decided to just DROP all discussion of problems, be friendly & upbeat around him, change things I could (lost more than 50 pounds, always dressed nicely, make sure hair & make up was done, bed made, toothpaste not squeezed in the middle of the tube # huge pet peeve of his#, house spotless as possible, helped him out by doing some of his usual chores like mowing lawn, etc). It worked in that he is generally much friendlier now on the weekends.

I live in terror of the relationship discussion at this point . I have no job, physical disabilities, & nowhere to move to when he does decide he wants me out. I'm trying to get work, but all my applications keep getting rejections & I'm applying for BASIC entry level work. (I honestly dont know if I could hold a job with my chronic pain, fibromyalgia, bad hip/knees & fusing joints ).

 

He is weird. He brings me surprises like live crabs (I love doing a good boil), chocolates & roses on Valentines Day, tells me to buy lingerie, takes me to the movies or out to eat, etc. We hang out like old times except for that whole "I'm not in love with you & want a divorce" thing. He texts me every morning asking how I've slept and keeps in touch throughout the day by text. (We do not make phone calls. I do not ever initiate texts, relationship talks, etc).

 

Last weekend he mentioned we should get fireworks for 4th of July weekend. Today he bought me a steam mop I've been wanting because he's currently removing the carpet & laying tile floors throughout the house (that I would leave if we divorced). He says "You'll be needing it with the dogs running across the floor all the time". Um, ok. Sounds good!

 

This all makes me want to think he's just confused & needs soave like he said in the beginning. He's having a rough time with the job relo & all the complications, plus all the additional stress of us, his health, mine, etc. and still isn't sure.

 

But he REFUSES to even dedicate 3 months to attempting to reconnect with me on weekends when he's here. I begged that of him on New Years Eve & got shot down. Yet he reliably comes home every weekend, takes his holiday vacations here, and is taking an upcoming week of vacation in April to finish the floors & do landscaping (with me). But, then, he'll throw comments about this or that that maks it obvious he doesn't see me in the picture...and that reminds me, he may be acting similar to the old him, but he's NOT.

 

Why would he act this way towards (more than friendly) & STILL want a divorce?! But make no move to file?! I only know he does still want to because he told our adult son that about 3 weeks ago. Because we will all be "happier" that way...WTF?! Financial & emotional ruin makes you happier? Not me!!

 

I have a boatload of medical issues, but two I'm really concerned about right now are high blood pressure & chronic depression.

I'm struggling, but am afraid to go on medication (after weaning myself off earlier last year due to financial problems) because I will be losing medical coverage if we divorce. I dont want to wean off them again!!

 

The blood pressure is very bad....and I've been having numbness in my arms. I get so stressed I feel like a high tension wire. I try deep breathing, but it ain't cutting it. Sadly, my panic disorder is starting to rear it's ugly head again. I'm isolating & have panic attacks again.

I was going to counseling, but they changed their fee schedule so I can't go anymore. I have no friends or family to discuss this with. Basically the forums & crying in bed are my only outlet.

 

I am growing weary acting "as if". I'm hurting, should he really believe I am FINE in this situation, until I crack mentally in front of him (happened twice recently). He gave me a big hug & I could hear him swallowing hard the last time. I accepted the hug & melted into him, I just needed the comfort so badly. I've had no loving contact with anyone in months(we still have sex, but it's not the same...no ML in it at all) & no one has said they love me in almost a year. It hurts, bad.

 

He admitted to me yesterday that hes depressed (he refuses all counseling). That he isn't happy away from home. He's considering trying to get another job, or disability (he easily could, he has a very bad heart & scoliosis).

 

This is what amped up my stress even more. If he goes on disability the only income we have will drop by 50% (he kills in OT hour income, has for years..this job makes it mandatory). That will cause more stress/problems. It will also have him in the house DAILY. I understand his decision & even back it...but in doing so I worry I'm putting myself on the street and looking at an even bigger financial disability regarding alimony (I know, it sounds bad...but I do have to think about that given my situation).

 

Trust me, it'd most like to reconcile & have success in working through the issues that got us here, so we could both go on & be happily married and fufilled..but it just doesn't seem like he's on board (altho wishy washy in my eyes. Or maybe just cake eating?!). Maybe I'm too impatient?

it's not my strong suit, patience. But I'm really trying because we did have a good run most of our years together.

Despite what he says now ...we did have lots in common, enjoyed spending our free time together doing activities we both SEEMED to enjoy, and overall had a great friendship & love life. Not perfect, but not the complete train wreck he now claims it was.

 

It's funny, we've almost done a complete roll reversal of how this plays out for most couples.I had my head in the sand, he was throwing hints I wasn't picking up on. he said he didn't want to argue anymore & we cried about not being able to fugue out how to not argue. That was it. I've since asked him WHAT he needs from the relationship & he said, "you know me so well, you should knowe that by now". I'm trying, but he won't budge to help.

 

All I know is, I have photos of us happy fishing together in May 2012 & by our 25th Anniversary in August he had his ring off when I looked at the photos (I never even noticed till Nov!!).

 

He has new friends at work, both divorced (one man Dx4, one bi woman Dx1, now in a long term gay relationship) both dont believe in "the laziness" of Stay home Wive/mothers from what he's said. So I was instantly on the outs with these people.These two are HUGE influences in his life right now. Basically their companionship has replaced mine weekdays. Luckily, the woman has a job interview at a new company today. God, I hope she gets it!! I believe they have a EA going, bigtime.

 

 

Anyway, I've basically just vomited anything in my mind..thrown it up for you all to ponder & comment upon.

 

I have no idea which way is up right now. I'm TRYING to detach, but having a hellofa time. Daughter & I are also scraping & saving money so we have an emergency fund since hes so unpredictable. It's weird hiding things from the guy who used to be my best friend, but I see hes not that same guy anymore. Makes me real guilty tho.

Edited March 29, 2013 by FazedOut

[MsOptimist]

I'm so sorry you're (understandably) having a rough time. Having medical issues on top of this makes things worse.

 

When you describe your husband's actions and words, and nothing really adding up, and new outside influences putting ideas into his head (possibly thinking the grass could be greener) - I felt very similar when my ex husband was on the fence. The only difference in my situation is that he didn't keep stringing me along in terror. He, too, was talking of the future just days/weeks/months before he dropped the bomb on me.

 

I do believe I would live in fear as you are doing if he had teetered in the middle for so long. You said you don't initiate any relationship talk - honestly, I think you should. In a non-defensive way I would let him know what this limbo is doing to you, and that you cannot continue to live like this. If I got defensive to my ex husband he came back at me even more defensive. I'm positive that I would have chronic high blood pressure living like that too.

 

I think your husband is struggling with what he truly wants, but it is not fair to string you along in the process. I understand you would like to reconcile ultimately, but I don't think he can continue to put you through this and still reap all of the rewards (like sex). He needs to see that his words and actions have consequences.

 

It wasn't until I moved out and was completely out of his life that my ex husband realized "hey, she's not the source of my problems/issues, and I actually DID love her and want her around!" And by the time that happened I realized that I didn't need him in my life or want someone to treat me like that.

 

I also suggest having people in person who can listen and support you during all of this - hopefully a therapist, but also close friends and family. You have to have a way of getting your emotions out and venting stress.

Edited March 29, 2013 by MsOptimist

[FazedOut]

Thanks for the reply. It helps me know I'm not insane for feeling this way. I too believe he'll realize once I'm TRUELY gone that I wasn't as awful ad he believed in the end (I'm not perfect, but at least I'm willing to try to change the relationship for the better & not just walk away). Just too little, too late possibly from his perspective. I just can't believe he will be happier with me GONE from his life. I know I won't be with him gone, but if he divorces me, I can't stay friends, it hurts too much. I'll be civil at the kids events...but things won't even remotely be like they are now.

 

If I weren't in the medical, financial & lack of family/friends position I'm in I would probably move to see if it made a difference for either of us. I know I'm growing tired emotionally & physically. But, essentially, I am stuck. I'm working on fixing that, but it's slow going.

Reality is, I have to suck it up for now. I can scale back my hopes to reconcile & detach more...I guess at lest this gives me time to accept it. hes pushing it aside a lot, right now, imo.

 

I'm trying to make friends, but have always been more of a loner (more accurately I'm into one close friend at a time). Thats been him for 25 years. I never realized how bad things would be for me, from my life choices of no career, nooooooo outside friends, etc., in this situation. Hindsight is 20/20. Maybe because I never thought we'd be in it I never worried over it. 2 weeks ago even he admitted he had thought we'd be together our whole lives!!

The million dollar question: So why is he doing this?!

 

I'm thinking midlife crisis...but I'm no doc. I just wish he'd let me help him. Thats what I signed up for.

Edited March 29, 2013 by FazedOut

[Mr. Lucky]

So, I read Divorce Remedy & decided to just DROP all discussion of problems, be friendly & upbeat around him, change things I could (lost more than 50 pounds, always dressed nicely, make sure hair & make up was done, bed made, toothpaste not squeezed in the middle of the tube # huge pet peeve of his#, house spotless as possible, helped him out by doing some of his usual chores like mowing lawn, etc). It worked in that he is generally much friendlier now on the weekends.

I think you should continue this 180 degree approach with him. Since moving quickly has no benefit to you, find as much peace in the status quo as you can. Just continue to be his happy weekend roommate in whatever capacity feels right to you as you try and get physically and financially healthier. In this regard, time is on your side.

 

Unfortunately, the more he detaches the more your problems aren't his problems. You'll have to cross that bridge when you come to it. For now, one day at a time ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[FazedOut]

Thank you...Mr. Lucky! I'll try. Unfortunately my health conditions are suck that they well not improve, only worsen. My RA is in remission right now mostly, but when it comes back full force I was told I'll need a caregiver.

 

Today H was discussing refinancing the house. A good thing, except that any bills in my name have gone to collections. That made him mad, but I'd told him months ago it was going to happen if the payments weren't being made.

Now it's like it was new news. Not a great way to start the day at 5am. He made sure he got sex before this convo started, tho.

I also got to hear how wrong I am about credit reports & scores. He's talking to someone about our finances & situation (likely his 4x divorced buddy)...and no matter what I say, THEY are right, I am wrong.

Technically, what he told me they said is true...but there's alternatives as well. So, really, everyone was "right". It's funny how these new people came in to his life through work, became fast friends, and now I AM THE ENEMY. It really sucks, actually!!

 

How does it happen that someone new arrives & their opinion or perspective so easily changes or erases your spouses 25 years of knowing you?! I see it all the time on these boards.

 

 

Long day here already. Funny how fast the tension builds. I try to diffuse it, fighting won't help it...but he's angry with me. I can't help he had to relocate with work (how we separated) . That we just bought a house & it's underwater is not MY doing.

I know he wants a place if his own close to work, and we just can't afford it as things are. It's frustrating, for everyone. And MY credit is the one thats in the toilet now. All his stuff is paid. Wish we'd have never used my name to get cards. Now, suddenly, he acts like I got them behind his back.

This gets better & better.

 

Btw, last night I got a definite sense of him drifting farther away emotionally. He hugged me, but never really looks me in the eye (& I have a bad habit of avoiding eye contact myself, long story...guys back to abusive childhood). He also kept a physical distance, which is unusual.

Anyway, should I just let him go & try to detach myself....or should I subtly try to make a connection? I know he still loves me, and that he is not IN LOVE with me. Hes told me as much.

 

I mean subtly connect by being friendly, doing small favors, adding eye contact, possibly light touches (touch his back as I pass on the hallway, hold his arm to look at his newish tattoo, etc)? We've always had a very good physical connection & he's a self proclaimed"touchy feely" type. I think those small touches might help him remember OUR connection? Since he spend so much time away...

Or am I just dreaming with all this other bs swirling around?

It's a lost cause?

 

What I really wish I had was enough $ to pay off the cards in my name (few grand). That would help drastically. Just no idea how to get it. Other than a job thats, so far, not materializing.

Edited March 30, 2013 by FazedOut

[Mr. Lucky]

Today H was discussing refinancing the house. A good thing, except that any bills in my name have gone to collections. That made him mad, but I'd told him months ago it was going to happen if the payments weren't being made.

Again, it sounds like your relationship is moving towards a point where, outside of the divorce settlement, your bills and health will be your problem to face alone.

 

You might benefit from a consultation with an attorney to better understand your rights. The first one is usually free...

 

Mr. Lucky

[FazedOut]

Again, it sounds like your relationship is moving towards a point where, outside of the divorce settlement, your bills and health will be your problem to face alone.

 

You might benefit from a consultation with an attorney to better understand your rights. The first one is usually free...

 

Mr. Lucky

I know...

You're right...but hearing it & dealing with it are two different things. I'm trying to get it to sink in. I guess, I know out in my head...but my heart doesn't want to catch up.

Fortunately the anger dissipated. I got a letter from the collection agency's attorney today. He said call them & try to arrange something: payments, settlement, etc. Let them know I'm trying to make it "right".

[Mr. Lucky]

I got a letter from the collection agency's attorney today. He said call them & try to arrange something: payments, settlement, etc. Let them know I'm trying to make it "right".

Actually, I was suggesting a divorce attorney. Since the financial part is important to you, never too early to understand how a split would affect you. Hope for the best, plan for the worst...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Wickedgurl]

Start by squirreling money away. Any cash you can save- do it. Keep up appearances- be nice. This is survival hon. Most divorce judges will award spousal support bc you stayed home and sacrificed a career. As far as insurance- refuse divorce and go for legal separation for now. Is there a local women's help organization that can help you get work?check with your church too. Think only of you and play the game as best u can. And get back on meds. Give that tired brain a rest. Cymbalta is a great medicine for depression and fibro pain. Good luck

[FazedOut]

Wickedgurl, I was on Cymbalta...awesome stuff. It gave me restless leg as side effect....but otherwise was a life saver!!

Prior to using it I was bed ridden 5 years ago! I'd love go back on it, but self withdrawl was hell last year. I'm doing ok without (except the depression & stress...but I just have to learn to deal with it, I guess). I've manages to scrape together $300 with our daughter.

We had $1000, but our dog got hurt & needed surgery...twice in one month...so there went all of that. We just cut back on everything. No activities, no eating out, as little driving (gas) as possible. It means being home & not GALing...but for now it's what must be done...and all I'm up to really. GAL at this point is pretty much out. I'm more sheltering in place emotionally, but it works for me. The worst is the OBSESSIVE worrying. Thsy I can't seem to stop. I'm so tense I shake constantly.

Anyway ...

H actually suggested legal sep. at first &*I* pushed for divorce because I don't want him or myself dating while married (ad in WAY WAY down the line..for me, anyhow). And I know if he actually files any paperwork then I want to do some other 180s (pull back moreno sex, no cooking for him, less tine spent together). I know if he isn't getting sex from me he'll get it someplace else sooner rather than later. I just can't handle that. Stupid, I know !! Especially with my medical considerations. *Nothing had been filed yet...but I may try revising my option & go for sep., if/when he actually does go to file. Just one if those things I'll have to suck up the moral & emotional blows .

 

Mr. Lucky, I'm going to talk to a lawyer just to get facts & figures. Been putting it off, hoping things would improve.

I was actually considering asking him to go to a joint consult thats offered locally for collaborative divorce. I dont think hrs sware of the amount & length of alimony he'll be obligated to pay. Maybe that would be a wake up call..he really has NO CLUE as far as I know (based on comments he's made to me). But then I'd have to always wonder if that was all that was keeping him around (not wanting to pay)& that would be as bad as losing him....

Altho I can't help but stil wish for it. God, I'm so screwed up.

 

Btw- I am sticking it out & playing along. No choice #1 & #2 I'm hoping that the time helps him work out the issues he's struggling with AND to realize I'm still here, still supportive, still love him, and am willing to do the hard work to make the necessary changes we need to make so we are both happy.

 

If it doesn't work out that way, then at least it bought time in the house...so we had a place to live that was safe, and I didn't have to rush into acceptance on top of everything else.

This stitch just makes it harder to detach. Something I'm already really bad at doing, to begin with!

Edited March 31, 2013 by FazedOut

[Wickedgurl]

Saw my atty today. She said I could get support for life bc we were married for twenty years. You can get it bc you gave up working outside the home to raise a family. Don't let him use you and live his life by his terms anymore. You are worth more than that! What would you tell your daughter if she presented this situation to you? You owe yourself love and respect.

[JourneyLady]

Sounds so much like my pre-divorce scenario. You need to find out if he's having an affair. That could account for him not looking you in the eyes and other things. That will change things a lot.

 

Your husband sounds a lot like my X-WH (ex wayward husband). He was professing love to me right up until the day he and his AP (affair partner) had sex - I was out of town. We talked via webcam and he looked cold and upset like he'd been crying. I was asking him why and he would just tell me he was lonely (and stupid me, I believed it was because I was gone). He was basically feeling totally guilty. It had been an Emotional affair before that point.

 

Anyway, I didn't find out the truth until two weeks later. He was going to try and reconcile but had to tell her goodbye - during which she got furious and him and he went into depression. I made the mistake of sending him away and three days later he decided on divorce....

 

Yes, see a lawyer soon.