Being the dumper sucks too

[Supersonic23]

Ok. So I know that most posters around these parts are here because they were on the wrong end of a breakup. I've been there. Several times, actually. The breakup I went through this past summer was one of the worst experiences of my life. I'm just trying to say that, at least in my case, both ends of the breakup are pretty awful.

 

I guess I want to share my story for a few reasons. My friends are tired of hearing it. I've basically been laying in bed unable to do anything but feel ****ty and cry for the past week. And it'd be nice to maybe get some input/advice from others. This is probably going to be long, so fair warning.

 

Last July my ex ended our three year relationship. Totally caught me by surprise. We weren't perfect. But I thought we were pretty great. It just felt special. Like we both knew we were better than other couples. Our situation wasn't the best, as we were both living with parents. We were both very ready to live together, but decided it would be best for us to save for a house rather than rent. So there was the house talk, which sort of implies the marriage talk. Everything's looking good, right? I mean, if we both want that with each other, what can go wrong?

 

Well, one day, again, totally out of nowhere, "we have to talk." She's been thinking lately, and she's scared she's missing out on something better. She hasn't been happy lately. She wants to be young and single (she was 24 at the time, I was 25). No amount of reasoning or begging (and I tried both) was going to change her mind. We were done. Just like that. One day I'm saving for a down payment on a house, and the next it's over.

 

So my summer kind of sucked. We decided to still be friends, but that didn't last. A week after the breakup we had our last conversation, and I realized I needed to go full no contact. Which I did. Started dating fairly soon, too. It didn't really help, but I slowly started getting through everything. There were many breakdowns, but eventually things started looking up. I said **** it to future financial planning (with the help of two timely raises at work), and moved out with a friend. I got to the point where I didn't miss my ex, but I missed the idea of her. I missed having someone to lay around in sweatpants all day with. I went from praying that every phone call would be from her, to getting to the point where I didn't want her to call. It wasn't an easy process, but I did it. I had to force myself to hate her. To not want her. And basically brute force that into my mind. And when I finally got to that point, when I finally, genuinely didn't want her to call, she calls.

 

She realizes how badly she messed up. She's been miserable all summer. She really broke up with me because she didn't think I put enough work into the relationship. I didn't really want a future with her, I was just doing it because that's what came next. She messed up horribly and she's sorry and she wants to try again.

 

It wasn't an easy decision on my part, and I took some time to think everything over, but we eventually got back together. Jumped right back into things. Like hanging out all the time. Like talking about the future. All of that. But it wasn't easy. We were both single for 4 months, which obviously caused some issues. We both brought emotional baggage into the new relationship. The emotional baggage from our first try was amplified. There were a lot of fights early on. Some insignificant, some not so insignificant. But we kept going.

 

Until a few weeks ago. I started having some doubts about if I wanted to be with her. I still love her. More than I've ever loved anyone. But I don't know. I'm still really confused. I think the confusion stems from a combination of a lot of things. I had to force myself to not want her. I had to force myself to want someone else. The buildup of all the fights left me exhausted. The emotional baggae from both of us. The fact that it seems like issues from the first time aren't fully resolved. The fact that our relationship just doesn't feel the same. I still love her, but we don't feel as special I guess.

 

All of that has been building up. Something happened last week, and I told her I couldn't be with her anymore. It wasn't a black and white decision for me. I've been debating it for a few weeks now. I don't even think what happened last week caused the decision. It just added to everything else I guess. But I've been feeling awful. Like I made a mistake and I'm not sure. The thought of her not being in my life, after losing her once, makes me sick. I've been crying in bed for the last week. But something just.. doesn't feel right? Like the relationship just isn't working.

 

Part of me wants to just say **** it. Call her and tell her I made a mistake and that since we both love each other, we'll get through anything. But I'm not sure that will work.

 

I don't know. I guess my point is, ending a relationship is a lot harder than it seems when you're getting dumped. At least when someone else ends it, you know it's done. You don't have a choice. But like right now, the ball is totally in my court. I don't know if her insecurity would allow us to get past everything that's happened the last month, but I could still call her and say let's try again. Or not, and be stuck with the regret that I might have walked away from something special. I didn't want to end it. It just felt like something I had to do. Which doesn't make sense. At what point isn't it not worth it to fight to make a relationship work?

[Cogee]

Yes, break ups are hard for everyone involved depending on the circumstances. If you are having doubts, and can't work through them or discuss them with your partner, then the communication is broken, and there is no amount of thinking you can do that will keep you together.

 

You have to talk it out with each other or the relationship is doomed. I'm not sure if this is where the fighting happens but the reality is the only way couples can survive doubts is to talk to each other about them. You aren't feeling you can reconcile your differences, is it because you tried to talk and it didn't work?

[OwlSoul]

In my point of view you should try all your best to make the relationship work. If it doesn't work, then it's not losing, but gifting freedom and future happiness for both of you. Sometimes it is a mistake to break the relationship, sometimes it is not.

 

So, the point of no-return is when you see, that whenever you do or try doesn't help, if one of you gain more control over another all the time, when you both are different emotionally (one needs more or less space) physically, intellectually, socailly and etc.

 

 

I suspect, this strange feeling you have is bc. you have the control over the relationship and less interested in maintaining it in the couple. As a result, you're losing the love, like she was losing it before the first break-up. She feels it, becames more and more unsecure, reveals all the emotional baggage you was talking about. Which isn't exactly attractive.

[Supersonic23]

You have to talk it out with each other or the relationship is doomed. I'm not sure if this is where the fighting happens but the reality is the only way couples can survive doubts is to talk to each other about them. You aren't feeling you can reconcile your differences, is it because you tried to talk and it didn't work?

 

We tried talking about it a few weeks ago. She didn't handle it well at all. I brought up how I was feeling, and she kind of lost it. She thought I was breaking up with her. I asked for some space and time to figure things out, but she thought I was doing it to punish her. That I left her in limbo and it was killing her.

[Supersonic23]

I suspect, this strange feeling you have is bc. you have the control over the relationship and less interested in maintaining it in the couple. As a result, you're losing the love, like she was losing it before the first break-up. She feels it, becames more and more unsecure, reveals all the emotional baggage you was talking about. Which isn't exactly attractive.

 

That makes sense. She still feels guilty over what happened the first time. Any time it comes up, I'll be clear that it's something that happened and it's done. Things are different now because of it, but I've forgiven her and I don't hold it against her. She doesn't always feel that way, though. And she's indicated that she really messed up, and will be sure not to do it again. We've had some fights that get resolved with her saying she just won't bring it up anymore. No actual resolution. She just won't talk about it.

[OwlSoul]

We tried talking about it a few weeks ago. She didn't handle it well at all. I brought up how I was feeling, and she kind of lost it. She thought I was breaking up with her. I asked for some space and time to figure things out, but she thought I was doing it to punish her. That I left her in limbo and it was killing her.

 

Asking for a space is always a gentle way to break-up the relationship. You aren't officially broken, but you can date and see other people. This obviously causes much more pain than if you 2 would break-up.

 

Cogee is totally right about the communication thing. M, try a different approach to talking. Empathize her situation, maybe, with something which could calm her down. Like... telling her that you understand her feelings (describe them), that it is totally natural behaviour and you are not blaming her. That it is natural to fear in her position and etc. No blaming, maximum of empathy. Maybe this would help?

 

I do believe romantic love is always here, but buried under the destructive relationship dynamics.

 

No actual resolution. She just won't talk about it.

She is probably afraid of shaking the rattle-snake basket by discussing it more. Which, ofc, you do not like, since it shows that she is trying to fit her behaviour up to you <- giving you more control and draining love.

 

Meanwhile, you're seem to be undecided yet. It's very tough for the dumper, since you will keep feeling like there is something missing and etc. The feeling would be lasting untill you both will be equal in the control, in my point of view.

From your words it seems she needs to reach your level of 'emotional hunger' (needing second person to fill the emotions), and calm down (stop fearing, feeling guilty, anything to become more integrated person)?

[Supersonic23]

Asking for a space is always a gentle way to break-up the relationship. You aren't officially broken, but you can date and see other people. This obviously causes much more pain than if you 2 would break-up.

 

Cogee is totally right about the communication thing. M, try a different approach to talking. Empathize her situation, maybe, with something which could calm her down. Like... telling her that you understand her feelings (describe them), that it is totally natural behaviour and you are not blaming her. That it is natural to fear in her position and etc. No blaming, maximum of empathy. Maybe this would help?

 

I do believe romantic love is always here, but buried under the destructive relationship dynamics.

 

She is probably afraid of shaking the rattle-snake basket by discussing it more. Which, ofc, you do not like, since it shows that she is trying to fit her behaviour up to you <- giving you more control and draining love.

 

Meanwhile, you're seem to be undecided yet. It's very tough for the dumper, since you will keep feeling like there is something missing and etc. The feeling would be lasting untill you both will be equal in the control, in my point of view.

From your words it seems she needs to reach your level of 'emotional hunger' (needing second person to fill the emotions), and calm down (stop fearing, feeling guilty, anything to become more integrated person)?

 

I didn't mean space as in "let's see other people", just some time to myself to clear my head. She couldn't go a half day without reaching out, and kind of forced the issue.

 

Calming down is a huge issue. She's very insecure. Very. She's been actively working on it, which I appreciate, but it caused a lot of the problems the first time. Eventually lead to the breakup. It's only gotten worse now.