alasia Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 Ok so I'm in a bit of a 'pickle'. There's this guy. He's quite a bit older than me, we came into contact through work but don't see each other at work very often (once every few months) and he says he likes me...throws out all the cliches like he's 'torn', wanting things he shouldn't want, I'm 'intriguing' and there's something about me...etc etc. This is through text message, by the way - we haven't met up on our own yet, we've only been 'texting' for a couple of weeks and have seen each other once at work since then, only managed to have a 2-minute chat. Anyway - from the start he admitted he was in a relationship, with someone who he says lives in Australia (we're in the UK) - he went on about how difficult it is only seeing her once every 6 months or whatever, sometimes he gets lonely...and he keeps saying he'd like us to meet for a coffee. Up to now, I've put off meeting as he DOES have a partner (not married though he says). Our texts are quite flirty though and I'm torn between thinking it's bad as however far away his partner is, she's still 'with' him and it's still cheating, and the other side of me thinks...well she's really far away, and how can their relationship work? I know he'd never 'be' with me in a relationship sense; he's much older than me, I'm a single parent, I can't see him ever leaving her at his time of life...BUT I'm learning lots about him and we have a lot in common - we're both Pagan, lots of other interests in common and seem to have a similar sense of humour and outlook on life, too. He acts younger than his age as well, which is good. Would it be a really bad idea to meet with him for that drink? Should I cut contact with him, or what? Really unsure what to do.
curlygirl40 Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 Really easy... he is in a relationship so run the hills... if he wants something with you he needs to be single... would you like to be the Other Woman? Would you like to be with someone who is cheating his partner with you? Would you trust that person? ^True story. You're not in a pickle. You have a man who's in a relationship trying to get you in a situation that is not going to be good for you. That's easy. Just say no. 5
Author alasia Posted March 29, 2013 Author Posted March 29, 2013 I know, that's what the logical part of me says. The 'pickle' is that I really like him
veggirl Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 He's grooming you to be his Other Woman and it looks like you are just about hooked. Stop talking to him! He's a creep, he has a girlfriend and yet is flirting with you. It's unexcusable and shows you his character is majorly LACKING. Why would you even consider ever dating a man who is showing you he is a cheater?! He'll do it with you, he'll do it TO you! 3
Author alasia Posted March 29, 2013 Author Posted March 29, 2013 I don't know what I'm considering to be honest. I did already say though that dating/a relationship wouldn't be an option. I like talking to him, we get on well. I don't know
LittleTiger Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 I don't know what I'm considering to be honest. I did already say though that dating/a relationship wouldn't be an option. I like talking to him, we get on well. I don't know It sounds as though you are considering having an affair with a man who is already taken - and he is encouraging you to do so! Shame on both of you!!! 1
Author alasia Posted March 29, 2013 Author Posted March 29, 2013 No, I said I don't know. I also said that dating wouldn't be an option - and to me, dating encompasses one night stands too, so no - I wouldn't sleep with him whilst he's in a relationship - and he'd clearly never leave his partner otherwise he would have by now. I don't know. as far as it's gone at the moment is mild innuendo type texts.
LittleTiger Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 I don't know. as far as it's gone at the moment is mild innuendo type texts. .....and that's as far as it should go! You meet for coffee, then you meet for a drink, then it's a few drinks, then perhaps lunch, then dinner, then........you get the picture?! And even if you aren't actually having sex with him, or even planning too (erm, how naive are you exactly?) this looks very much like the start of an emotional affair. If you're ok with that, then go for it. If you have more self respect and more respect for the girlfriend - you will probably want to start walking, very fast, in a direction that takes you a long way away from this guy.
KatZee Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 The fact that you're on here already proves to me that if you were put in the situation with him and you both had one too many to drink, you'd both wind up in bed together. Don't kid yourself. There is no platonic friendship here. You're treading in extremely dangerous waters and just setting yourself up to be the OW.
Author alasia Posted March 29, 2013 Author Posted March 29, 2013 In my mind, we'd go for a drink, I'd be tactile (I do tend to get 'cuddly') and flirty, we wouldn't kiss though and I'd tell him that nothing past what has happened, can happen as he's not single. In theory though, that's probably not right either - but the gf is thousands of miles away...if she were in the country I think I'd feel worse about it - as wrong as that sounds. Deep down, when he's saying how 'torn' he is I know it's all rubbish and I'm not the only one he's talking to in this way, so I know you're all right.
LittleTiger Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 In my mind, we'd go for a drink, I'd be tactile (I do tend to get 'cuddly') and flirty, we wouldn't kiss though and I'd tell him that nothing past what has happened, can happen as he's not single. In theory though, that's probably not right either - but the gf is thousands of miles away...if she were in the country I think I'd feel worse about it - as wrong as that sounds. I'm in a LDR. I live in the UK and my fiancé is in Australia! Fortunately my guy isn't the sleaze bag that this one is, so I don't worry about his social activities when I'm not around. That said, any woman who is flirty, cuddly and tactile over a drink with him, especially after exchanging texts with innuendo is stepping waaaaaay beyond 'not right'! Seems to me you're trying to kid yourself that this is all innocent when, in reality, you know it's nothing of the sort!
miss_jaclynrae Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 Sickening. Acting like you aren't doing anything wrong. You are 100% crossing a line, and so is he. The worse part is that you are ok with it, what woman wants a man who has no problem having affairs? It's sad really... 2
Author alasia Posted March 29, 2013 Author Posted March 29, 2013 But LittleTiger do you live in the UK and he in Australia, or is one of you working away? Because he lives here, she lives there - permanently. So I still fail to see why he's in the relationship tbh.
LittleTiger Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 But LittleTiger do you live in the UK and he in Australia, or is one of you working away? Because he lives here, she lives there - permanently. So I still fail to see why he's in the relationship tbh. Their living apart 'situation' is not relevant! He is already taken and he has told you that. Whatever you see or fail to see about their relationship, it's none of your business. He's looking for someone to play around with while his girlfriend is out of sight and you are apparently willing to be his toy. More fool you! He has no respect for either his girlfriend or his relationship, and neither do you! Perhaps you are perfect for one another! 1
outsidethebox Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 I wouldn't be surprised if he ends the LDR so he can talk to you.
veggirl Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 I wouldn't be surprised if he ends the LDR so he can talk to you. Doesn't sound like he needs to end it to get her. She has already said she will probably go and then flirt and cuddle with him "but not kiss" You are walking right into being the other woman and you refuse to acknowledge that. You think you'll get all drinky and cuddly with him and it'll end there. You aren't that naive, no one is. You just don't want to admit you are going forward with this knowing what will LIKELY happen. 1
FitChick Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 I have a feeling 'alasia' won't be his first "misstep" in his LDR. I'm sure he's cheated on the girlfriend with several women by now. His excuse, when these FWBs ask for more commitment is probably, "You knew the score when we first met. I told you I have a girlfriend already and I would never leave her." Then he'll dump you. Just because he isn't married doesn't mean he can't act like a married man, especially when it comes to cheating. Alasia must be desperate for a man. I guess dating must be difficult if you have a kid. Where is the child's father, by the way? Were you ever married to him? 1
Author alasia Posted March 30, 2013 Author Posted March 30, 2013 I wouldn't be surprised if he ends the LDR so he can talk to you. I take it you mean "ends" it as in...says he has but hasn't really Yes, I'm expecting that too...well either that or just not bothering to contact me again if I say I won't sleep with him. I have already said nothing can happen as he's attached, though. His answer is, he's confused etc. I just don't see how two people can feasibly have a relationship when they live so far away, he lives quite rurally so he only has mobile internet (therefore I assume no skype), there's the time difference and he DOES only see her twice a year as I'm a position to be able to see for myself when he's away from work. I have always doubted that I'm the only one he has been/is talking to but in my defence - I do keep telling him that nothing physical can happen because he's not single. Don't know why people think I do, but I 100% don't want a relationship with him; I have my children to consider and this man is far too old for me. I just like talking to him and we seem to get on well. Oh - and to whoever asked, nope the dad isn't around - well he is, he lives 5 minutes away from me but he's with someone else and doesn't bother with the children, hasn't for the past 6 years.
Els Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 I just don't see how two people can feasibly have a relationship when they live so far away, he lives quite rurally so he only has mobile internet (therefore I assume no skype), there's the time difference and he DOES only see her twice a year as I'm a position to be able to see for myself when he's away from work. My dear, plenty of us have worked through worse circumstances and come out of it together. I don't think this guy has the mettle for that though, and I do think his relationship is pretty much dead if he is doing this, but do you want to be in the middle of that? Really? Don't know why people think I do, but I 100% don't want a relationship with him; I have my children to consider and this man is far too old for me. I just like talking to him and we seem to get on well. Then stop talking to him - don't you have other friends to talk to? Or single men to date? 1
Author alasia Posted March 30, 2013 Author Posted March 30, 2013 Then stop talking to him - don't you have other friends to talk to? Or single men to date? Well yes other friends, but I like this one. Lol. Why should I stop talking to him? It doesn't look as though this man and his partner will ever move to be with each other, from what he's said, he's had about 3-4 partners since 2006 ish and sorry...I just don't see how you can call it a relationship if you're not in physical contact (and not even on skype or anything) more than once every 6 months! It's different if you have plans for one partner to move to the other's country but from what this guy has said, there aren't any plans.
Els Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 Well yes other friends, but I like this one. Lol. Why should I stop talking to him? It doesn't look as though this man and his partner will ever move to be with each other, from what he's said, he's had about 3-4 partners since 2006 ish and sorry...I just don't see how you can call it a relationship if you're not in physical contact (and not even on skype or anything) more than once every 6 months! It's different if you have plans for one partner to move to the other's country but from what this guy has said, there aren't any plans. Then perhaps that begs the question of why he is still with her instead of making a clean break, especially with no children involved? And more importantly, why you feel that if you do succeed in 'getting' him, he'll treat you any different?
Author alasia Posted March 30, 2013 Author Posted March 30, 2013 That's my point though - I don't want to 'get' him! I wanted to be friends, that's all.
Els Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 If it was really just about being friends, why are you so excited about the contact and trying to justify it with his relationship being a LDR? Do you feel that men with RL relationships are off limit for 'friendship'? 1
Author alasia Posted March 30, 2013 Author Posted March 30, 2013 Not off-limits, but the only male friends I have (only about three 'proper' male friends that I can confide in etc) have all admitted in the past that they have feelings with me. Which then makes me feel awkward talking to them.
LittleTiger Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 That's my point though - I don't want to 'get' him! I wanted to be friends, that's all. Funny kind of friendship - do you usually exchange texts with your male friends that include sexual innuendos?
Recommended Posts