Does the exOW ever "let go" ??

[ComingInHot]

So, to recap, H had an A Five years ago that lasted (sex twice) for about a year but communications for Six months after sporatically. He was trying to maintain an image of friendship w/exOW so she wouldn't "out" him. Eventually she caught on & did email me. It wasn't pretty. She was REALLY mad at him And me.

 

Anyway, Five years later and a cease letter to her regarding communication attempts w/me, she STILL looks for me & H online.

 

She is Supposed to be M now w/a child of their own. And supposedly "happy". This would be GREAT if she were. Regardless if I felt she deserves it, but I figure if she is happy she will have ZERO reason to "peek" at our lives, right?*

 

Why does she still do this "peeking" thing?!

Is it because she is Not happy?

Is it because she is still mad she didn't "win" (she had a Huge issue w/this)

Is it because she "loves" my H?

Is it because she Hates me? ( I still can't wrap my head around that one)

 

I don't think all exOW's are like this, at least I hope they are not. I've read on the ow/OM side where they just Want to move on.

 

And NO, my H has Not reached out to her in any way. He's right here helping me wite this as he is just as creeped out about this as I am. He isn't sure if he should call our attorney again and report this to authorities.

H just doesn't like either of us to have these little "reminders" of her existence. Honestly, I don't either.

 

Anyone in the same boat?

 

Oh and Good Friday to all*

[Blondie1]

Do you mind if I ask how you know she is "stalking" you online?

 

Unfortunately, I dont think theres anything legally you can do about that unless she hacks into one of your accounts.

 

Blondie

[carhill]

IMO, I feel there are two sides to such issues of unfinished business and it takes both to occur for it to finish. One is each party must communicate 'the end'. Two is each party must accept 'the end'.

 

I noted this most markedly when my exW and I had the 'divorce talk'. We communicated the end and accepted the end. The D was amicable. No small feat considering my EA. I credit effective MC for this path. It was the same path which allowed many years of unfinished business with fMW to end as well. I'm usually pretty good about not having unfinished business but this was one instance where I apparently had gone wrong. Perhaps the OW in your circumstances could benefit from some help to accept the end and move on.

 

TBH, unless she's parked outside your house or interacting with your children or something like that, I doubt LEO's will get involved. People 'peek' at each other online all the time these days. Social media promotes it. Unless there's an invasion of personal privacy, it's an annoyance one (any of us) has to deal with. They do it because they can. Hope it gets better.

[sunshine63]

How do you know she is looking for you online? Is contacting you directly though email or messenger, etc.? Other than that, you cannot see who views your Facebook and you would never know if she is "Googling" you either. A little confused I guess...

[Decorative]

At three years out- the OW was still trying to get to us. She would not contact us directly- but make stuff up and tell her parents- and then her parents would contact me.

 

She's not the brightest bulb that's ever been lit- so I was able to quickly prove to her parents that no contact at all had come from our side of the pond ( she was claiming things such as I was "pinning things" to her Pinterest and leaving private messages. neither are possible- so a quick send of the site rules showed she was lying and seeking attention.

 

I am hoping- now that we have blocked her whole family in every way possible- that she does not try anything again.

 

And I also chewed her parents out for the rotten job of parenting her they were doing- so I would sure hope they would not ever attempt to speak to me again.

[ComingInHot]

She is Not communicating but she appears as someone who checked out my linked in page and she appears as someone "I may know" on FB and I get notifications on my secured server that some IP is searching for my name and finally I was notified by fb that some one was trying to get or log into my fb page and I had to reset my psswrd. I had I.T. person search IP addresses and it was hers...

 

It isn't so much I wanted to make sure it Was her but rather someone trying to hack my computer for Confidential Corporate information due to my profession.

 

Again, I'm not mad at this point or scared just Wondering why. And if any other BS is in or has had this happen to them.

I think I'd feel better if I weren't the only one.

[ComingInHot]

LFH & LadyGrey,

Thank you for the insight And info.

I'm changing the settings (attempting to) on my fb page.

I do have a couple of friends that participate in those little fb games.

 

It's just that it still stings a bit when anything regarding her appears.

[Snowflower]

LFH & LadyGrey,

Thank you for the insight And info.

I'm changing the settings (attempting to) on my fb page.

I do have a couple of friends that participate in those little fb games.

 

It's just that it still stings a bit when anything regarding her appears.

 

I am sure it is a sting! I would be freaked out if xOW came up as "someone I may know" on my FB page. But like LFH said, even though I don't always know who it is, those suggestions, at least on my page, are usually friends of friends.

 

Block her on FB and then you won't have to see her/worry about it.

 

As for me, I started a new job last year at a large, well-known company. I didn't know it at first, but xOW also worked there. I don't know for sure, but I have a feeling she was doing some snooping and found me in the company directory. Perhaps she was looking for my H because he also worked in the same industry. I think she was snooping because she contacted my H shortly after I started working there and would have appeared in the directory. Coincidence? Possibly, but it had been a few years since there had been any contact, even professionally. Sort of weird.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

This is truly unsettling when this happens. I was the OW and believe someone from the other camp is constantly searching for me. I deleted my FB page almost two years ago because I got tired of the games. Blocking wasn't good enough, because pictures can still appear if they aren't tagged.

 

Anyway, there is one site I am on for business purposes really and any time my name or phone number is googled and they click through on the link it sends me a search alert. It even tells me the IP address. Now many times it is general (within 25 miles or something), so you can you get an good idea of who it is. Well I have had several that I absolutely KNOW is someone (either xMM or BS) searching me - one was definitely them and the othe IP was from a great aunt's house.

 

And, I am on Linkedin - I know they are both on there - they don't use it much - I think she signed up just to keep an eye on him. But I get these stupid anonymous views from time to time and it generally is around the time that something or some kind of gossip is arising and I know it's them as well - being anonymous on Linkedin is stupid - it's a business website. I know that there is a lot of discussion around eliminating the ability to view other people's profiles anonymously - it's creepy.

 

I also get blocked hangup phone calls from time to time.

 

Can I prove it? No, but if I were to bet money I think I would win.

 

So, although I understand the desire to "check up" on me, they really need to concentrate on themselves and not worry about what I'm doing (which is nothing).

 

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

[MissBee]

At three years out- the OW was still trying to get to us. She would not contact us directly- but make stuff up and tell her parents- and then her parents would contact me.

 

She's not the brightest bulb that's ever been lit- so I was able to quickly prove to her parents that no contact at all had come from our side of the pond ( she was claiming things such as I was "pinning things" to her Pinterest and leaving private messages. neither are possible- so a quick send of the site rules showed she was lying and seeking attention.

 

I am hoping- now that we have blocked her whole family in every way possible- that she does not try anything again.

 

And I also chewed her parents out for the rotten job of parenting her they were doing- so I would sure hope they would not ever attempt to speak to me again.

 

How old is she?

 

It seems so bizarre that her parents would be involved to that extent as a go-between in their adult child and the fallout of her A.

[Decorative]

How old is she?

 

It seems so bizarre that her parents would be involved to that extent as a go-between in their adult child and the fallout of her A.

 

She is under 30.

 

Oh. I know it's bizarre. But what I have learned about her is that she is a perpetual victim, a serial OW, and her parents play cleanup police.

 

Her parents actually are the ones who told me about the affair originally. They used a PI to track my husband down- because they knew their daughter's pattern, and the stories my husband and their daughter were telling them did not match up.

 

In my opinion- it is a very mixed up dynamic.

[whichwayisup]

LFH & LadyGrey,

Thank you for the insight And info.

I'm changing the settings (attempting to) on my fb page.

I do have a couple of friends that participate in those little fb games.

 

It's just that it still stings a bit when anything regarding her appears.

 

Block her! This way she can't even find your name. And, make your settings private to friends only and your friends list visible to either friends or noone (only to you).

 

It's sad that she is cyber snooping still after five years. Some people just cannot let go. Or she's extremely nosy! Either way, just be glad she isn't physically stalking you, calling/emailing or showing up at your doorstep.

[ComingInHot]

WhichWay,

Ahh!!! I thought I did!

I did all those changes that LFH mentioned and then my H wanted to and did. So you can't see me or get onto my page w/out being a "friend"

 

Honestly I'm not w very good fb or linked in person as I Rarely post Anything or rarely respond. (Kind of like sports. I go in to check out the last few "exciting" minutes)

 

Am becoming quite adept at LS though.

[Decorative]

WhichWay,

Ahh!!! I thought I did!

I did all those changes that LFH mentioned and then my H wanted to and did. So you can't see me or get onto my page w/out being a "friend"

 

Honestly I'm not w very good fb or linked in person as I Rarely post Anything or rarely respond. (Kind of like sports. I go in to check out the last few "exciting" minutes)

 

Am becoming quite adept at LS though.

 

There's an option on your FB homepage to "view as" a certain person, or see what someone who isn't your friend sees. It's a good way to check your security settings.

[MissBee]

She is under 30.

 

Oh. I know it's bizarre. But what I have learned about her is that she is a perpetual victim, a serial OW, and her parents play cleanup police.

 

Her parents actually are the ones who told me about the affair originally. They used a PI to track my husband down- because they knew their daughter's pattern, and the stories my husband and their daughter were telling them did not match up.

 

In my opinion- it is a very mixed up dynamic.

 

Smh wow.

 

I'm sure they have contributed to her behavior and are enablers.

[Decorative]

Smh wow.

 

I'm sure they have contributed to her behavior and are enablers.

 

Oh. Absolutely. There appear to be some large FOO issues.

[ComingInHot]

moncheri, " Could be a serious case of pananoia here."

 

I hope it's not. Paranoia is debilitating. I'd feel and Do feel horrible when Anyone feels that way.

 

It is just a little weird that she (exOW) appeared as someone who checked up on my corporate page and hen on fb. It stings a little having to see her name or pic. That's all.

 

I Do however appreciate your kind input. *

[Summer Breeze]

I know for awhile I didn't think OW would ever go away. I was always on edge just waiting for the next round of drunken texting and calling. She hated me and she hated my kids because we stood in her way. I had to have her blocked on all the phones. I worried for a long time that she would do something to hurt my children (even more than she already had).

 

I hope someday she meets a single guy, falls in love, marries him and then a woman just like her comes into their lives.

 

I don't understand the mindset of a woman who can't let go. I don't care what role she's in. When an R is over and one side wants out then let it be. I've missed people after Rs ended but never could get this whole chasing it up and dragging everyone into the drama. Im glad she's finally left you alone PA. I'm sure you do hope that happens to her but I hope that if a woman like her comes along she has a H that would say no.

 

CIH. Is there someone here that you can PM and do kind of a remote sorting out of your settings on FB? They can be confusing but if one of the 12 year olds (yes that's said in jest because at my age anyone under 40 is effectively 12) can help you out then it might be worth it. I had someone stalking me a few years ago and even though it was something in court my attorney still couldn't get direct information on IP specific to an actual person/address. I'm kind of suspicious of the info you have. But then again I'm ancient and this was about 6 years ago so I have no idea what changes have been made. I'll watch an episode of CSI and see if I can get caught back up on it!

[ComingInHot]

Thanks all!

I think one of the things that bugged me was that someone tried to get into my fb page but it could really be anyone on that side of things, then to have her pop up as someone may know... just kind of "ick" but oh well.

 

Actually I Do hope she is in a good place so she won't consider an A ever again, w/Anyone's H* .

 

Again, just curious if anyone's OW/OM has been found to be peeking in every once in a while on the FWS/BS.

[ComingInHot]

Hey Mon Cheri*

 

Have your IT guy (or girl ) get into your host server the do his thing... I am SO not a tech person and am almost completely computer illiterate but the IT Person should know.

 

If it's from a corporate server or account you Can find out fairly easily.

I don't know about the fb thing except what I learned here after exOW popped up as someone I may know then fb notified me someone was attempting to access my page.

 

I think it would be Worse if an exH was checking in or trying to gain access. THAT is actually Really scary.

I'm sorry Mon Cheri that you are dealing w/that. You'd think that w/a D finalized, it would pretty much be set in stone that his future is Not w/you*