Very down :(

[Robs1693]

I am not going. I just don't know why he invited me. My mum suggested he may be trying to get back into my 'good books'. I don't like the awkwardness, and I don't want him to think I am too scared to see him so I'm making up excuses :/ xx

[fabulousgal]

Who cares what he thinks. I know it's easier said than done but be a mystery. I know I would wonder if I were him what else could possibly tear you away from his presence.

 

Care about your thoughts and needs. I know this is difficult but you can do it!!

[Robs1693]

Thanks honey xx

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi Robs!

 

It's getting quite late here so I can't write a lot, will try to tomorrow.

 

First of all, I'm sorry for what you're going through and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you will be strong and soon feel better!

 

I know how hard it is after a break-up. After my ex left me (for the 4th and final time...) I think for the first two, three months I usually couldn't sleep for more than 2-3 hours per night, and usually I only fell asleep after staying up till 5 in the morning to exhaustion, then somehow getting up, going to work and trying to get through the day without breaking down in front of clients.

 

I've read your other threads, and your feelings reminded me of mine in my relationship. I'm not sure if the cause is the same, but I think it might be - after my ex left me for the first time, cheated on me, ... , after a certain point I started to feel physically ill (weird feeling in my stomach,...), I would be worried often - and on one hand it was better when she was around, because I felt relaxed and confident that she won't hurt me again, but when I was away and she wasn't there to reassure me (just by being there) I'd get more anxious. On the other hand (here it is a bit different from you) when we'd be kissing etc., sometimes I would feel sick... For a long time I didn't understand, but looking back, I believe it's because a part of me was trying to warn me, and a part of me distrusted her so much, was so afraid of getting hurt again, was so angry at her for what she had done, ... , that it was trying to send my brain a message to stop it, to leave her. Eventually, IC helped me a lot, along with some books (some of them available for free online, if you are interested...) - if you want to talk more about this, let me know.

 

 

For your question - first I'd like to ask you a question - do you want to get back with him? And please answer both rationally and emotionally. What I mean by this is - I realized rationally that it was better for me to not be with her much sooner than I did emotionally. By that I mean that I knew all the reasons why she hurt me, why I shouldn't be with her etc. But it took much longer for me to start seeing this emotionally, and a big part of why this started is that I tried to let the "rational" part of me take control and make decision, to try to explain my "emotional" part why she was no good for me etc. And from your story about, I see quite a few reasons that are similar to me and my ex (him hurting you, manipulating you, after "reconciliation" him not being supportive of you and willing to bear the burden of waiting for you to resolve the hurt and mistrust he had caused you,...)

 

 

 

For wanting to get over him, I agree with what the previous posters have said. Focus on yourself, on doing what you want, on school, on finding new friends (who don't know him), maintain NC If you want advice on this, I'd be happy to give you my advice, what helped me.

 

And yes, I wouldn't go to that event. In my opinion, a big part of NC is also asking your friends to stop talking about him when they're talking with you, to stop telling you what he said to them (about you, about other stuff,...). If they are not willing to do this, I'm not sure how good of friends they are or how much I'd be willing to spend time with, at least now at the beginning of the healing process.

 

Also, to me it helped immensly to firstly block her on FB, then I talked to our common friends and told them that I will temporarily unfriend them on facebook (just to prevent hearing about her/seeing her posts on their walls/newsfeeds etc.). If he's trying to contact you by phone and you're trying to maintain NC, block him/change your number.

 

And make a conscious effort to do things regardless of him! Try not to let the "what will he think of me if..." when deciding what to do or say. It's hard emotionally, I know, but here the "rational" part of you must be the strong one and help you!

 

And as for your parents "giving up on you" - that's really, in my opinion, inexcusable of them! They should support you, not show how hard/annoying/... it is for them! And I think that after 4 months (if I understood correctly), especially since you had contact with him in that time, is unreasonable for your family and friends to expect that you will be over him, that you will be capable of functioning normally! They should be doing their best to help you get over him, without pressuring you or making you feel bad/guilty for "still" not being over him... And in a way, I too didn't get all the support from my family that I needed and deserved, and there were some things that really helped me change that and make me help understand and resolve the bad feelings caused in me by my family, which I'd be glad to share if you want to listen.

 

As for why he's still contacting you, telling you about other girls -> there's a lot of possible reasons (it would help to know more about how your last breakup went, how he was before, ...), but I guess a big part of it could be that, like your mom says, he wants to keep his options open and keep the doors open with you so that you wouldn't get over him and he would still have a chance of getting back with you... and that might be because of his ego, because of other reasons,...

 

May I ask why is it so important to you what he thinks of you, why you aren't coming etc.?

 

Best wishes!

[Robs1693]

Hi (:

 

Well firstly no I don't want to get back with him. Him leaving me was the wake up call because being away from him realised how horribly he treated me.

 

The break up was after one little bicker (which was his fault entirely). He said he didn't think he loved me anymore but he wasn't sure. He dragged it out for a week then invited me round to talk. He said he wanted to try but that he was going out shopping with a mutual friend of ours (who I was a little bit insecure about). I asked him to be honest whether he liked her or not and he said he didn't know. I told whether he wanted this to work, and he said he didn't think so. But everytime I cried, he changed his Mind because he didn't want to hurt me.

 

Anyway two months later he text me at 2am saying he missed me, in short terms we gave it a try but like you said, I had this terrible anxiety all the time. Even trying to be physical, it never felt right. I told him it wasn't working and that was basically it. He said he wanted to be friends but kept being horrible still. Then one day we was bickering about something stupid, and he sent this long text about how none of my friends like me (when I've nonethem for ten years and introduced him to them), that I was flirty throughout our relationship (not true, I was the most faithful person ever!), that I was impossible to love ): then I told him I never could speak to him again after what he said and he spent the next hour begging me to stay friends, that he never meant it and that he would hurt himself if I stopped talking to him.

 

I wish I could forget everything.

[The edge]

So my friend made a fb message saying that an idea of my ex's was to go to a funfair sometime this week with a group of friends (old ones and not my normal crowd). I emailed her saying that i wouldnt be able to go due to him and that I hope she understands, she said she did and it was fine. she showed me the message he sent her and it turns out he wanted her to invite me along as well.

 

What does this mean guys? does it mean anything at all?

 

He is messing with you! Trying to b on good terms with you, to keep you as a back up in case he wants to get back with u one day! Aparently, he isn't done with u yet! ignore him and don't go! He is trying so hard to remind u of him! You won't b able to move on and heal if you keep in touch with him. Ignore him

[The edge]

plus i wrote on the group message that I'm busy everyday this week (which is not a lie! I'm at school revising mon-thurs) but I don't want him to think its an excuse because i'm too scared to see him.

 

Oh guys this is horrible xx

 

In that case, don't write anything on FB! You don't need to share your life activities with your friends on FB. Keep busy and b secretive. Don' meet him coz ur still healing.

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi:)

 

How are you feeling today? Watched any good movies, treated yourself to some tasty chocolate,...?

 

Well firstly no I don't want to get back with him. Him leaving me was the wake up call because being away from him realised how horribly he treated me.

 

I'm really glad to hear this, it's great that you're feeling and thinking like this!

 

He said he wanted to try but that he was going out shopping with a mutual friend of ours (who I was a little bit insecure about). I asked him to be honest whether he liked her or not and he said he didn't know. I told whether he wanted this to work, and he said he didn't think so. But everytime I cried, he changed his Mind because he didn't want to hurt me.

 

Anyway two months later he text me at 2am saying he missed me

 

I think there's a possibility that in this 2 months he tried with this girl and it didn't work out, so he wanted to come back to you. For me, that would be a deal-breaker, after that I think I'd always be worried that he will leave me again when he'll find someone with whom he'll want to try...

 

I know when I was with my ex-gf, with whom we had quite a few difficulties (she was on anti-depressants etc.) I tried really hard to avoid any temptations or chances to start "liking" someone else. Whenever I met some girl (maybe through work, friends,...) I'd try to mention as soon as possible that I have a girlfriend, I'd try to spend as little time as possible with other girls, especially if I saw in them things I liked (similar sense of humour etc.). Well, the exception were lifelong friends towards which I didn't feel anything even after knowing them for a long time.

 

My point is, when in a relationship where there are signs of trouble, when maybe you're not sure what you feel, I tried hard to work on the issues, and to avoid looking at others girls...

 

Anyway two months later he text me at 2am saying he missed me, in short terms we gave it a try but like you said, I had this terrible anxiety all the time. Even trying to be physical, it never felt right. I told him it wasn't working and that was basically it. He said he wanted to be friends but kept being horrible still.

 

If you felt like this, then I guess everything that happened in the past didn't let you feel comfortable anymore or trust him. I think it is really hard to start trusting someone again after they'd treated you badly or betrayed that trust, and even if you manage to trust someone, in the mean time it will be really hard for both of you and it will take a long time.

 

Then one day we was bickering about something stupid, and he sent this long text about how none of my friends like me (when I've nonethem for ten years and introduced him to them), that I was flirty throughout our relationship (not true, I was the most faithful person ever!), that I was impossible to love ):

 

That was really horrible of him! Wow, words fail me!

 

I think he was doing several things here:

- emotionally manipulating you, trying to make you feel unworthy&lower your self-esteem - that way, there'd be more chance that you'd stay with him,

- trying to hurt you

- perhaps he was projecting (defense mechanism of projection - when people "accuse" other people of things they in reality see about themselves - a lot of times, for example, cheaters will accuse&think that the other partner is cheating; people who are afraid/think that no one likes them will think/tell others that no-one likes them (other people))

 

then I told him I never could speak to him again after what he said

 

Good to hear that you did this!

 

that he would hurt himself if I stopped talking to him.

 

That is just horrible emotional blackmail! I think that's a sign of serious, serious emotional issues that he has, and a sign that he's far from being ready to be in a healthy relationship. It's likely/possible that until he starts resolving them, he will continue to hurt himself and anyone with whom he'll be in a relationship.

 

Have you perhaps read any books/sites on emotional blackmail/manipulation/abuse?

 

I wish I could forget everything.

 

As much as it hurts (and if you'll read my posts, you'll see I've been through some tough stuff as well, so I can understand), I think it's important that you take this as a valuable lesson, so that in the future you will recognize this type of abuse/guys, so that you'll be able to stop seeing them sooner. In a way, it's better that you've had this experience now and that it stopped before for example you guys got pregnant, married etc.

 

Also, I think it's important that you ask yourself - why did you stay with him so long, why did you tolerate his manipulation for so long? I think it is very admirable that you broke it off with him before&now, but I think it's important to examine your own role in this. If you want, we can talk about this...

 

I'm saying this because of my experience - I stayed with my ex gf for too long, I tolerated the bad things for way too long, and ever since I've been figuring out why (childhood issue related to my parents,...) and trying to resolve them, so that I wouldn't get involved in another unhealthy relationship in the future.

 

but I don't want him to think its an excuse because i'm too scared to see him

 

You wrote that in one of the previous posts.

 

What I wanted to say is that try to ignore him and thinking about what he will think. Why? Basically, anything you say&do, he will try and probably succeed(because of his defense mechanisms&issues) in using that to feed his own ego, his own manipulations,... He might do it consciously or subconsciously, but he will find someway to interpret everything to feed his needs. So I think probably no matter what you do, he will be able to interpret it in a way that is bad for you&good for him.

 

And that's why I wouldn't care for him - you can't win... Ignore him. Your true friends will understand you, so don't worry about them. Worry about how you will make yourself happy, regardless of him!

 

 

Hope to see your reply soon and that you are feeling better:)

[Robs1693]

Hi, thank you for getting back to me (:

 

I think I stayed with him for so long because I was impossibly in love with him, I will not deny that and I was hoping he'd change. And he did try it with the girl, she said no because she is one of my best friends and knew what he was like. He told me the truth though so I thought he made another mistake.

 

Today I was ok, went to school, finished lots of coursework and felt ok. He text me for the first time in a week, very flat general talk, how am i etc. felt alright and no bad words were said.

 

But tonight, took a turn. Saw a mutual (girl) friend write a status about something he said to her and how she found it funny. She has a bf though. And I feel like such an idiot, but I text him asking if he liked her. I know I shouldn't have done it, I'm kicking myself now. He said that whilst she is hot he doesn't see her like that. Now I feel like I have given him the satisfaction he wants, an I haven't stopped crying at how stupid I am and feel.

 

The thing is I don't have to text him, I don't have the urge to break NC. But if something like that happens, my mind goes into complete overload, and I can't stop myself over thinking. And to relieve this, I text him.

 

I cried to my mum tonight, telling her that I'm at my wits end

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi, thank you for getting back to me (:

 

No problem, will try to do it as often as I can. I'm glad you're still coming here!

 

And he did try it with the girl, she said no because she is one of my best friends and knew what he was like. He told me the truth though so I thought he made another mistake.

 

1. She seems like a really good friend!

 

2. To me, that's really low of him! To try to be with one of your best friends, and then come back to you after he failed?!

 

Today I was ok, went to school, finished lots of coursework and felt ok. He text me for the first time in a week, very flat general talk, how am i etc. felt alright and no bad words were said.

 

But tonight, took a turn. Saw a mutual (girl) friend write a status about something he said to her and how she found it funny. She has a bf though. And I feel like such an idiot, but I text him asking if he liked her. I know I shouldn't have done it, I'm kicking myself now. He said that whilst she is hot he doesn't see her like that. Now I feel like I have given him the satisfaction he wants, an I haven't stopped crying at how stupid I am and feel.

 

The thing is I don't have to text him, I don't have the urge to break NC. But if something like that happens, my mind goes into complete overload, and I can't stop myself over thinking. And to relieve this, I text him.

 

I can understand you, it was really hard for me as well to not look at her FB profile etc. I have a couple of suggestions (that I wish someone had told me when I was starting my healing process) and I would appreciate if you could tell me for each of them what you think about them and how do you feel thinking about this idea.

 

1. Unfriend&block him on Facebook?

 

2. Remove your common friends' posts from appearing on your news feed? (so they wouldn't be automatically displayed when you logged in on facebook)

 

3. Blocking him on your email?

 

4. Blocking his phone number?

 

5. Changing his phone number name to "Don't contact, manipulative *arse*" or sth like that?

 

6. Changing your phone number&telling your friends to not give it to him? (to me, that felt really good - i felt like i took control in my hands, I was starting with a clean slate,...)

 

7. Writing down at least once a day all the ways he had hurt you and why you don't want to be with him?

 

8. Every, and i mean every!, time you get the urge to contact him, write down he has hurt you; and/or call one of your friends or mom to tell you to not call him?

 

9. Blocking your facebook for 1 day! Then, after a day or so, block it for 2 days. And so on. Tell your friends to contact you via phone or email...?

 

10. Write down every day at least 3 things that you like about yourself?

 

11. Start making a list of things you plan/wish to do - write at least one new thing per day?

 

12. Try to make new friends or re-establish contact with friends who aren't common friends?

 

13. Try to watch at least one funny video/comic/whatever makes you smile per day?

 

14. Reading a book/online site about (emotional) manipulation?

 

15. Putting at least one ":laugh:" in every post here (at least when you say hi:))?

 

But if something like that happens, my mind goes into complete overload, and I can't stop myself over thinking. And to relieve this, I text him.

 

Can I please ask you to describe what you are thinking (literally, what are your thoughts) and what/how are you feeling (emotionally and physically) when you go into overload?

 

Do you go into such overload on other occasions, not related to this?

 

I am asking because I use to go through such overloads as well, and asking myself the questions above helped me to find a way to deal with it...

 

I cried to my mum tonight, telling her that I'm at my wits end

 

I'm sorry to hear that, but it is good to cry occasionally, to let the sadness go out of your body... I cried a lot as well...

 

I understand that you feel like you are at your wits' end. But it's important to bear in mind that getting over someone requires a lot of effort and discipline, of not doing what you desperately want to do, but doing what you know you need to do... It is hard, but it will make you stronger, wiser and happier!

[The edge]

Hi, thank you for getting back to me (:

 

I think I stayed with him for so long because I was impossibly in love with him, I will not deny that and I was hoping he'd change. And he did try it with the girl, she said no because she is one of my best friends and knew what he was like. He told me the truth though so I thought he made another mistake.

 

Today I was ok, went to school, finished lots of coursework and felt ok. He text me for the first time in a week, very flat general talk, how am i etc. felt alright and no bad words were said.

 

But tonight, took a turn. Saw a mutual (girl) friend write a status about something he said to her and how she found it funny. She has a bf though. And I feel like such an idiot, but I text him asking if he liked her. I know I shouldn't have done it, I'm kicking myself now. He said that whilst she is hot he doesn't see her like that. Now I feel like I have given him the satisfaction he wants, an I haven't stopped crying at how stupid I am and feel.

 

The thing is I don't have to text him, I don't have the urge to break NC. But if something like that happens, my mind goes into complete overload, and I can't stop myself over thinking. And to relieve this, I text him.

 

I cried to my mum tonight, telling her that I'm at my wits end

 

Robs dear,

 

Don't torture yourself It's Ok, you have realised now that you shouldn't have texted him in the first place, because it has brought you nothing but heartache like I told you it would.

 

I was like you and for years I have kicked and hated myself for giving in and inflating his disgusting ego.

 

Do you know what I did?

1/I erased his contact details. That way, even when the urge comes calling, you won't be able to get back in touch, because you don't have his number anymore.

2/ I kept on reminding myself of the breakup! like mantra! He is an ex who abused you and is now playing you.

 

If he keeps on texting you, then erase them instantly. Don't bother reading them, because he is an ex who is mental, seriously, playing you like dat. Trying to get back with you after he had failed with your good friend. And he has the nerve to tell you about it , and you are still talking to that piece of ****! I'm going to be harsh now with you, for your sake: why are you talking to someone like that?! Where is your self esteem, girl?!! I apologize sincerely, if my question has made you cry, but you need to stop lowering yourself and letting him play you, that bastard!!!!

 

It's OK to cry, Robs. We are humans and we learn as we grow up. But, you need to avoid contacting him. If FB is a problem for you, then block those annoying statuses from appearing on your home page, and ask your friends not to mention him as another poster has suggested. Honestly girl, if you keep checking his or your friends FB, then you'll go nuts. I know what I'm saying! You don't need such drama in your life, or do you?!

 

Stop checking FB!! You are still fragile right now, as I told you. Your emotions are barely under control, coz you won't b able to hold yourself back from texting, everysingle time you see/read something bout him. Anything that reminds you of him, block it!

 

Start NC. Don't reply to his messages in any form. Remember this: every single time he contacts you, he stops you from moving on. He is reminding you of his existance! Cut that leash, and ignore his messages, even if it kills you! Don't let yourself be played b stong