Robs1693 Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 Hi guys, Me and my ex (who was horrible to me by being controlling and manipulative) broke up a while ago, and agreed to remain civil for the sake of all our mutual friends (we all went to school together). Im just so fed up and don't know what to do, I feel like I'm at a dead end. Not just because of him, I am getting over everything that happened, but at the fact that I don't know what to do with myself now. Our mutual friends all went off to uni and I have never felt so lonely. Whilst I have made new friends at school, I have known my old friends for years. They are all coming back for a meet up on the 8th April and he is going. Because I have blocked him on fb etc to help with the healing process (as everyone says to do!) (: i'm worried about how I'll react and feel when I see him, due to distancing myself from him. It's just such a bad time for me, all my friends are away, school is extremely hard work, I haven't had any uni offers as of yet so I feel like I'm working towards nothing, and my parents are starting to get fed up that i'm fed up all the time. My mum is extremely supportive to me, but when I said to her this morning that I feel a bit down, she said 'well what am i supposed to do about it?' this makes me feel like she's given up on me now ): and as its the Easter weekend, all my dad is worried about is that his weekend will be spoiled. I'm sick of putting a brave face for everyone all the time ): I'm so scared that I will always feel like this, anger at my ex, loneliness from my friends being away, and the feeling that I am getting nowhere in life. Any advice, comfort or words of wisdom? Thank you, and sorry for sounding like a moany bum!
Kamille Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 I'm so scared that I will always feel like this, anger at my ex, loneliness from my friends being away, and the feeling that I am getting nowhere in life. You won't. It is impossible to forever feel the same way. One day you will be as close to your new friends as you are to your old friends. One day you will no longer feel anger at your ex. And as long as you pay attention to what motivates you (work -wise), you will one day figure out what you want to do. But it is fairly common not to know this in high school. Also, your parents are trying their best - but they also have their own lives going on. One of the things I always found helpful when I'm broken hearted is to offer others my help. What's going on in your dad's life that he is stressed about Easter weekend? Is there something your mom has been preoccupied with lately? Maybe figure out if you can help them out. I promise it will cheer you up (or your money back ). Finally, heartbreaks take time to heal. For me, one of the things that help is to force myself to do activities that make me feel "grounded". Running, yoga and cooking are my usual go to, but sometimes even just taking a bath or dancing around the house works. The point of whatever activity I do is to remind myself that, in the end, I have my own back and I can provide myself with the care I need. It gives me temporary relief from feeling down/hurt/angry/depressed. But it is okay to feel down. There are a lot of changes going on in your life. But those very changes also mean you won't feel like this forever. It will pass.
Author Robs1693 Posted March 29, 2013 Author Posted March 29, 2013 Thank you (: also the issue of the group meeting up, what do I do? :/ And my father has no stress going on, he is quite a short-tempered man and likes to get things his own way (a bit like my ex XD). If I'm down, he says 'you better not ruin my weekend' which leads to me putting on the brave face.
Kamille Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 They are all coming back for a meet up on the 8th April and he is going. Because I have blocked him on fb etc to help with the healing process (as everyone says to do!) (: i'm worried about how I'll react and feel when I see him, due to distancing myself from him. I, perhaps sadly, have a lot of experience with this. (I'm much older than you ) I used to force myself to put on a brave face. I used to try to prepare myself to feel a certain way while at the event. I would always leave feeling exhausted and frustrated. What I recommend is this: once you are there, remind yourself that it's okay to feel whatever you feel. But always make sure that you focus on making yourself as comfortable as possible. If you feel awkward, allow it. Talk to close friends (I recommend about something else) until you feel more at ease. If you feel anxious, go somewhere private (outside/bathroom) and take some deep breaths. If seeing him makes you feel sad, allow yourself to show it - and then turn to your funniest friend (the one who always cheers you up) and let them work their magic. Don't know if I explained it right, but I do find this to be the best course of action, for me. It keeps the focus on my well-being, all while allowing me to feel what I have to feel. The last thing you want is to suppress emotions to the point where you get super anxious.
Author Robs1693 Posted March 29, 2013 Author Posted March 29, 2013 I will try that. I just don't want my friends to be angry with me, as the break up was a while ago (4 months) and they will most probably think that I should be over it by now.
Kamille Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 I will try that. I just don't want my friends to be angry with me, as the break up was a while ago (4 months) and they will most probably think that I should be over it by now. Like I said, the idea is to let your friends entertain you - by distracting you with other topics of conversation. The idea isn't to spend the whole night talking about your awkward/angry/hurt feelings with your friends. You're allowed to feel them, but you don't have to make them the focus of the night. Basically, one of the most helpful skill I ever learned was how to manage my emotions.
Author Robs1693 Posted March 29, 2013 Author Posted March 29, 2013 I am not very good with emotions D; At the minute I just feel so angry at the whole world. I feel like I want to be left alone, but then I get upset because I feel alone. I'm just a mess.
Kamille Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 I am not very good with emotions D; At the minute I just feel so angry at the whole world. I feel like I want to be left alone, but then I get upset because I feel alone. I'm just a mess. Oh, at your age, I was an emotional catastrophe. I wish someone had taught me how to handle emotions earlier . You already sound like you're doing better than I did, honestly. You're asking for help (here and in life) and you're open to ideas that will help you feel better. That's a great start. To me, you sound a bit restless. Is there any physical activity you enjoy? Maybe doing that for a bit could help you feel a bit better.
Author Robs1693 Posted March 29, 2013 Author Posted March 29, 2013 Um not really, I like drawing and painting but I just don't feel like doing anything at the moment DX wish I could get out of this horrible feeling
Kamille Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 Um not really, I like drawing and painting but I just don't feel like doing anything at the moment DX wish I could get out of this horrible feeling Forcing yourself to do something else is going to inch you a little bit out of that horrible feeling. Take out a drawing pad and pencil, put on some music and draw. Even if only for 5 minutes.
Author Robs1693 Posted March 30, 2013 Author Posted March 30, 2013 Feeling a bit better today, although still extremely fed up. I think possibly due to the fact he's gone to mates house for a birthday weekend and all I worry about is whether he'll discuss the situation and 'bad mouth' me :/ I wish I could take a break from my own mind
Author Robs1693 Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 Has anyone felt like this? I would really appreciate some kind words xx
Kamille Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Feeling a bit better today, although still extremely fed up. I think possibly due to the fact he's gone to mates house for a birthday weekend and all I worry about is whether he'll discuss the situation and 'bad mouth' me :/ I wish I could take a break from my own mind Hi Robs, I'm sorry no one responded. This is somewhat of a new topic. Next time, I suggest starting it as a new thread . In my experience, it is somewhat are that a dumper spends much time bad-mouthing their ex. Usually, they have less negative emotions towards the relationship than the dumpee. But, the thing is, you cannot predict what other people are doing. You also cannot control it. Surely, your friends know you and like you for who you are. There would be little he could say that would change their opinions. Ways to take a break from your own mind: do something else. A 5 minutes break is better than no break at all. Often, enabling ourselves not to think about our exes for even just 5 minutes helps us see the situation a little differently. I really cannot recommend exercise enough as a way to pull this off.
fabulousgal Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Sorry Robs, I agree, don't worry about what your ex says about you. If he has any class he won't bring mutual friends into it. I agree that you should exercise to help distract yourself. Maybe just take a walk, it helps. Easier said then done though, I know.
Author Robs1693 Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 Thank you guys I'm trying to keep myself busy, but my mind has a 'mind of it's own' (: I know that we are not meant to be together and that I can do so much better than him, but it feels like I am stuck whilst he is putting on a face that he has moved on (when he hasn't). For instance, he told me he was speaking to another girl, that she likes everything he does and that she has 'a cute smile'. (WHY WOULD HE SAY THAT?), but he is doing it on a chat website and she lives in Somerset (whilst he lives in London) so it is like he is desperate to appear more 'ok' than me. Also, he told me that he is constantly busy all the time, when I know he is on Xbox from the time he wakes up til about 3 in the morning. What annoys me is the fact that I can admit that I am going through a bad phase, whilst he has to lie through his teeth to prove he's great. Tbh, I just want to give him a good slap.
Kamille Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Tbh, I just want to give him a good slap. That's a powerful feeling right there. He is being an idiot. Meanwhile, I think you're being really smart about this. Being honest with your feelings is harder right now, but once you are through this part of the heartbreak, you will feel 100% better and will be 100% ready for a new relationship. You will actually have dealt with your baggage. I was definitely not that mature at your age. I know how it feels when the mind as a mind of its own. I read somewhere that when humans hurt - wether physically or emotionnally, we are neurologically programmed to "fixate" on the problem, as away to solve it/avoid it in the future. Most times, this is actually a useful mechanism, because most of our daily "pain" is short lived (like getting annoyed at someone who cuts us off in line. We'll think about it a little, perhaps think about what we would have wanted to say to the person and then be prepared for the next time this happens). But heart-breaks are the exception to this trait being only a good thing. There is some good to thinking about your heartbreak. It is helping you process the relationship, figure out what you need in the future, figure out what went wrong, etc. But, there is a point where fixating on it is counter-productive. That's when learning skills that allow you to think about something else is good. FG and I turn to exercise in those moments. It really helps. But try to brainstorm things that will help you get out of your own head when you feel yourself getting stuck in your mind.
Author Robs1693 Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 You both are very supportive and helpful and yes he is being an idiot. He always was, he was very emotionally controlling and manipulative, and never ever paid me the attention I deserved (for example, he said he was going to book a holiday for our one year anniversary, then said he couldn't because he wanted to buy two video games). I mean come on! I'm just worried about future meet ups with the group, I don't want to see him and feel the anger that I feel now bubble up and ruin the day. I also am terrified that all my old feelings will resurface. He was my first love after all. But something my brother said to me last light hit me. I asked him if he spoke to one of his ex's lately. He said that he text them but they never answered, and that you never really get over someone. That terrified me, because I don't want to feel all this anger, awkwardness, hate and fear towards my ex. I want to feel that feeling of indifference, when I hear he's met someone else and I can go 'meh, he's happy'. I just don't feel like I can ever get there
The edge Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 The first thing to do dear is to cut him outta your life! If a man has been abusive to you, there is no point into remaining civil with him! He will always treat you badly, realise this fact! Cut him of your life, he's a disease! I know what I'm saying coz I've been there with this disgusting type! And I'm happy now! No need to talk to someone who treated me like dirt!!! You should now focus on living your life! I know that you're feeling down! I was like you and I feel your pain. You have the right to be angry, because he treated you badly! no one should be treated like trash! You have the right to cry, to let that pain inside of you out! Cry if you feel like it! Did he dump you for any good reason?! No! Boys and immature men do this all the time to women! So, let it all out! If you can't or feel embarrassed that your pain is affecting others and making them fed up, then seek help from a professional! Don't sit at home and wallow all alone in pain. No one will help you: it's between you and your mind! The longer you will keep that pain/anger and resentment inside of you and the longer you will hold back, the more tortured/paranoid you'll become! Until, you'll snap one day! About your family, it's great that your mom is supporting you. She is fed up because we are humans and are not perfect! Sometimes we snap when we are helpless/reach out limits! But, she has been by your side! Dunno bout your dad, but I'm sure he'll support his daughter, usually through the Mom! Now, focus on your schooling! If you feel lonely, go and meet new young people and laugh and heal your heart. Talk about the problem, don't let it inside. If your friends ask, tell them what happened, don't chicken away! Put yourself first! you are always putting others before you! Don't let this bad experience cruch your self- esteem! And steer away from bad boys, players, and macho/abusive/bi polar guys! They are the worst, like Cancer! If you have a particular hobby, join a club and associate yourself with those like you! You will feel happiness, because you share something you love wit them! More importantly, think about your future. Choose a good subject so you can end up with a good career. I know it seems hard for you coz you might be depressed, but trust me! You were actually blessed to b outta such a toxic relationship! Can you imagine staying with him for more years to come? Puttin up with his ****! God! Be strong gal! Life is all about survival! Your family will stand by your side, remember that! Oh yeah, don't go to that meeting! It will open your wounds and confuse you! Avoid him like the plague! And if your friends get curious, tell the truth! That you don't need to keep in touch with a bastard coz that's what he is! You're not healed yet! You're fragile right now! Start NC! Anyways, sorry bout my tone! Hope I wasn't harsh or rude! Exuse the language! I just stumbled on your message and I remembered what happened to me when I was round your age! I couldn't help but advise you honestly, since this is your request! Enjoy life young one! Enjoy it with the worthy ones, not the unworthy trash! Find what makes you happy! What has always made you happier! And do it! And avoid dating now! Focus on your future and yourself. Know what you want. Ask your parents if you don't know what to do with your time/future. They will help you a lot. Enroll in local colleges and learn something useful, a language course, IT, art, a small course on management! I dunno! It's your time: you need to fill it with stuff that will help you tomorrow! Don't sit at home idling! move and Improve yourself. Learn more so you can grow up to become a great woman! Move on in life and don't waste your precious time on him or the likes of him! Time waits for no one! Trust me, in the future you'll look back at your experience, at your younger self and smile! You'll be happy coz you didn't waste your time seeking him out or begging him to return! Losers shouldn't have a place in your life at all! Have a nice Easter! And eat loads of chocolate bunnies! It's good for ya 1
Author Robs1693 Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 I guess I needed that message I am not speaking to him, if he texts I will answer and say hello, nothing more and you're right, I have wanted to become a midwife since I was 13, and nothing will hold me back from that! As for the meeting, I have not seen my friends in 6 months, I want to go to see them and I will not let my fear of anger at him get in the way (:
The edge Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 (edited) I'm glad I've been of some help to you. You should be enjoying chocolate and Easter, not thinking bout the loser Well, do so. If nursing pays well in the UK, and you can afford it and the tuition fees later on, then by all means go for it. I have just had a quick look at the previous messages on your thread and I need to tell you something. You're doing great by not contacting him. Well done, girl! Don't get in touch with him! He'll get a kick outta it and will start boasting to his friends and fellas. All men especially young/immature dumpers get an ego boost if en ex girlfriend contacts them! He's been broadcasting to everyone (chat room) including you that he was fine and was talking to a new girl! Why, do you think he's doing that when you know he's lying? To show that he is a man who isn't affected by the breakup! That he is doing great while in reality he's a wreck! It's childish I know, but this is just a game. A façade to the outer world to hide our weak spots and pain! And he is telling you bout the girl to make you jealous and to weaken you! To give the impression that he is fine and doing great! LOL. Boys!!! I had the same thing happen to me, coz my ex was a total morron and childish and I had the chance to tell him those words back in the day. Your ex is still a boy! As for that meeting, if you want to see your friends, then go and see them. You deserve to be happy If your ex starts broadcasting (lol) or flirting because he might (he's a boy), then be smarter than him and say that you have been busy. Be the adult there, and speak proudly of your activities, of the new friends you have made, of your plans (vaguely though. Don't reveal all your cards. If asked to clarify, say that you're going to be a nurse, just like you proudly told me and everyone else here). Make everyone realise that you're doing great in your life and smile from the depths of your heart because it's your dream! Don't bring up dating and relationships, coz it will bring back bad memories! If he tries to talk to you then talk if you can keep your anger in check. If you can't, then don't or keep it small because you don't want to snap right there and then. Then, excuse yourself and return to your friends. He will realise that he is of no importance to you anymore. Don't stare or give him a dirty look or anything of the sort. You are there to enjoy your time with your friends not to fight with an ex and ruin the meeting. Don't let his games affect you. He is an ex for a reason! He is no longer a part of your life, just like he chose to keep you outta his for good! Remember this, always. Indifference comes with time when we mentally and whole heartidly accept that we are far better than the immature person who dumped us! That person becomes insignificant because they no longer hold any power over us! The sooner you realise this, the faster your healing will be. Don't reply to his messages (mind games). It'll bring you nothing but heartache! Edited March 31, 2013 by The edge
Dan08 Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Robss, this was literally me maybe 2-3 months after my breakup. I had to see my ex over christmas with mutual friends and also a bunch of us ended up going away for a weekend which was truly messed up for me as I was not yet over my ex. Now, something like 5 months on from my split I have to see the ex tomorrow at a mutual thing with friends so I still have to go through this same sh*t and I can tell you a part of me is still bothered at my ex being there, I would prefer her not to be but I can't do jack about it and neither can you in your situation. Don't let your ex ruin your day or get between you and your friends, never bail on them unless it's what's best for you. It will be tough, it will be awkward but there will come a time when you're indifferent and only see the ex as a mild annoyance, though even I'm not there yet XD Focus on yourself, your friends should understand that if you're not happy with things you should take some time out otherwise they'd hardly be your friends now would they? Work on you, feel better about you and then you won't build up a meeting with your ex to this huge thing as you will feel better about yourself, unbeatable and the fact that you're okay spending time around your ex should show others that you're in a great place and then and only truly then do I think you can move on and find someone better when you know you're worth so much more.
Author Robs1693 Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 So my friend made a fb message saying that an idea of my ex's was to go to a funfair sometime this week with a group of friends (old ones and not my normal crowd). I emailed her saying that i wouldnt be able to go due to him and that I hope she understands, she said she did and it was fine. she showed me the message he sent her and it turns out he wanted her to invite me along as well. What does this mean guys? does it mean anything at all?
Author Robs1693 Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 plus i wrote on the group message that I'm busy everyday this week (which is not a lie! I'm at school revising mon-thurs) but I don't want him to think its an excuse because i'm too scared to see him. Oh guys this is horrible xx
fabulousgal Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Don't go. He's ok to be around you (doesn't mean he doesn't still have some feelings, but likely not like you). So, he can deal with it. You will be a hot mess and be looking for any "signs." Go see a movie, run, build a sculpture, learn a language, play with sock puppets, help an old person, DO ANYTHING BUT THIS. Wouldn't you rather him wonder what amazing thing YOU ARE UP TO?
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