Good first casual meet up but no follow through week later

[bilatong]

Hey people, met a guy for the first time exactly a week ago for a casual meal. Meet up seemingly went well. Conversation flow, good body language, varied topics of discussion etc.

 

Had previously seen the guy around on a number of occasions and initiated meet up. Response was positive, enthusiastic and replies fairly quick in run up to meeting (seemed like a mutual interest on his part which he hadn't acted on though i could be very wrong). When we met like i said went well even had to excuse himself briefly but asked if i was ok to wait and continue or if i had to leave which i took as a sign of interest to continue the meet up (again i could have read this totally wrong). Ended with guy saying should do again and then later saying to stay in touch.

 

I texted the following day to say thanks and had a good time. Guy replied a day later (so 2 days after initial meeting and 1 day after my text) to say he had a good time too, glad to have met and again said should do again. Now I reply 2 days after that just to confirm my interest and leave the ball in his court. I haven't texted since and have heard nothing back. Its been 2 days since my last text and 5 days since his, i have no intention of following up.

 

My question is is this a slow burner or is it the proverbial case of he's just not that into you and to let it go (which is what i've basically concluded)?

[Treasa]

I don't think he's into you. Definitely move on.

[Drseussgrrl]

You were pursuing this guy from the get-go. Asking him out, texting him first, etc.

 

If a guy likes you he will pursue you. Every single time. If I like a guy I will show interest but my motto is "do nothing". This is why. Every time in the past I thought I'd take the bull by the horns it has left me feeling unsure of myself and the man.

[Cutiepie1976]

Not interested.

 

If he were, he would have said: "Had a great time. Are you free next Saturday? I'd like to see you again" ...or something equally concrete.

 

"We should do this again" is meaningless drivel. Much like acquaintances who run into each other on the street and exclaim, "We should do lunch sometime!" Meaningless social chatter to lubricate the current interaction and avoid awkwardness. Nothing more.

 

I don't ask guys out either. If they're interested, they'll ask. If they don't, obviously they weren't interested (or to preempt all the shy guys on this forum, their interest wasn't sufficiently compelling to risk asking). Someone else invariably comes along and asks. C'est la vie.

[bilatong]

I get what you are all saying and to be honest I've pretty much concluded that myself but why keep saying we should do this again when you don't really mean it, fine you said it a couple of times on the day but no need to repeat it in your reply. Just drop it all together. He could have stopped at had a good time too and leave it at that. That's just a little jerkish imo.

[Drseussgrrl]

This is dating 101. Don't pay attention to a man's words - pay attention to his actions.

 

If he's not texting/calling/asking you out, you're simply not on his mind.

[Cutiepie1976]

I get what you are all saying and to be honest I've pretty much concluded that myself but why keep saying we should do this again when you don't really mean it, fine you said it a couple of times on the day but no need to repeat it in your reply. Just drop it all together. He could have stopped at had a good time too and leave it at that. That's just a little jerkish imo.

 

Seems a little harsh... If you hadn't texted a second time after his first polite brush-offs, hinting at another date, he wouldn't have had to repeat said brush-off. Honestly, if a guy is interested, he's generally texted me before I've even made it home to compliment me and tell me how much he enjoyed himself. He tried to set up the next date before we ever parted ways. I'm crystal clear about how he feels and where I stand with him. If I'm not, I move on to the next guy.

 

It helps to keep it simple. If he's interested, he'll pursue. If he isn't, he won't. Dating is a lot more fun and rewarding when you stop chasing guys who don't care (this guy) or who act ambivalent.

[bilatong]

Seems a little harsh... If you hadn't texted a second time after his first polite brush-offs, hinting at another date, he wouldn't have had to repeat said brush-off. Honestly, if a guy is interested, he's generally texted me before I've even made it home to compliment me and tell me how much he enjoyed himself. He tried to set up the next date before we ever parted ways. I'm crystal clear about how he feels and where I stand with him. If I'm not, I move on to the next guy.

 

It helps to keep it simple. If he's interested, he'll pursue. If he isn't, he won't. Dating is a lot more fun and rewarding when you stop chasing guys who don't care (this guy) or who act ambivalent.

 

Cutiepie1976, I have to say I agree with most of what you are saying but just to clarify i did not text a second time before he repeated said brush off. To borrow your term he gave those brush offs at the end of the meal before we parted ways. And again after my FIRST not second text which i thought was only polite to say thank you and that i had a good time. My point was that he didn't have to say all that other crap he could have just left it at had a good time too and that would have been polite enough. No need for further empty words... that's keeping it simple so I still think it was a little jerkish, also at the point where he excused himself and asked if I was ok to wait or had to go he could have simply ended it there but came back for another 20 minutes, again that's a bit jerkish to me but i guess that the ambivalence you talk about. So yes all in all I largely agree with you but still think it wasn't the best. At the end of the day we're both adults and there is a mature and honest/upfront way of putting things yet still remaining polite I believe. I guess its because by nature i'm a direct person and would have handled it differently. There's nothing wrong in politely saying that you had a good time but don't want to take things further. That's the adult way to go about it.

[mortensorchid]

I have found if you have not heard from the man within 24 - 48 hours after the first get together, then forget him. He'll be a friend, but he's not interested in you. He might call you a week or so later, but even that he's barely interested for whatever reason.

 

Once, several years ago, I had an OLD with someone. He was alright, our meeting was ok. I didn't hear from him after that. Several weeks later I decided to call him, he said he was waiting for me to call him and seemed eager to talk to me again. We got together one more time, then I think we talked two more times. Then one day, I called him and his number was disconnected. Strange? Not really, it just wasn't meant to be and he was not interested enough in me. End of story.

[bilatong]

Ok thanks for all your comments. There's a clear consensus and it is as I suspected anyway.

 

As a slight spin off from the orig. post it would be interesting to know if you guys think 'polite brush off' or the general disappearing act is acceptable and mature etiquette in dating or otherwise. It's certainly so pervasive it seems its been accepted as it is what it is. Obviously this is the easy option.

 

What's so wrong with a guy finding a polite way of directly saying HJNITY?

Curious to get your thoughts.

[soccerrprp]

Well, you're certainly not a priority to him right now. He's not really into you b/c he's busy with other options or he's simply not into you.

 

Move on and good luck!

[crude]

You were pursuing this guy from the get-go. Asking him out, texting him first, etc.

 

If a guy likes you he will pursue you. Every single time. If I like a guy I will show interest but my motto is "do nothing". This is why. Every time in the past I thought I'd take the bull by the horns it has left me feeling unsure of myself and the man.

 

Women never seem to look at it from the man's point of view. When a woman does nothing, the man is unsure of HER interest, whether she just wants a free ride or really likes him. This leads to men getting burned, angry, pumping and dumping etc, but you don't care, you just do nothing. And if you just rely on him persuing, you just get guys who check you out, decide "I could do her", and pursue for the sex. You just pass over guys who might be nicer but don't want to pursue for whatever reason, like they've been used before by women who do nothing.

[bilatong]

Women never seem to look at it from the man's point of view. When a woman does nothing, the man is unsure of HER interest, whether she just wants a free ride or really likes him. This leads to men getting burned, angry, pumping and dumping etc, but you don't care, you just do nothing. And if you just rely on him persuing, you just get guys who check you out, decide "I could do her", and pursue for the sex. You just pass over guys who might be nicer but don't want to pursue for whatever reason, like they've been used before by women who do nothing.

 

Yup, I think Crude has a point and it was along the lines I was thinking when I showed the initial interest and tbh my sending the text was simply out of politeness and manners to express a genuine gratitude as he paid etc.

 

In fact the guy actually complimented the gesture but then i guess this would be another instance of 'never listen to a guys words but rather his actions' as an earlier poster had said. There are other details about the meeting that i haven't included which may or may not add other dimensions to the situation such as we have very different educational, social and work backgrounds etc. think college vs non college and I know if a guy isn't confident in himself this could be an issue.

 

Overall, its easy to say HJNTITY which as i said earlier i agree is probably the case for me but then it could also be feelings of not measuring up, being too different etc. my point being, its just not so cut and dry all the time.

[crude]

I don't know what bilatong looks like, but in general I really believe women who aren't attractive miss out on a certain type of man. If men can only judge a strange woman by her looks because he doesn't know anything else about her, he'll pass if she's not good looking. If she asks him out and he accepts politely, isn't it possible for him to be impressed by her personality if not her looks, and grow to love her? Sure she'll have those relationships lead nowhere most of the time, ditto when men initiate, but so what if it leads to something good even once. Whenever I look at a married couple where the woman isn't attractive, I can't imagine the man having always been the pursuer. Those women must've been proactive many times too, and it paid off.

[bilatong]

I don't know what bilatong looks like, but in general I really believe women who aren't attractive miss out on a certain type of man. If men can only judge a strange woman by her looks because he doesn't know anything else about her, he'll pass if she's not good looking. If she asks him out and he accepts politely, isn't it possible for him to be impressed by her personality if not her looks, and grow to love her? Sure she'll have those relationships lead nowhere most of the time, ditto when men initiate, but so what if it leads to something good even once. Whenever I look at a married couple where the woman isn't attractive, I can't imagine the man having always been the pursuer. Those women must've been proactive many times too, and it paid off.

 

Errr, without meaning to sound egotistical, I would consider myself attractive. I have been told several times I'm very attractive to the point that some guys have wondered why i'm available and I have had several advances or glances from men in the past and present. I'm not one to get off on this or flaunt myself. My 'problem' is i'm very reserved (i know it contradicts my making the initial move but i thought what the hell ) and as i've been told i come across as 'intimidating' and in control. I do have to agree that i'm a very independent person with a good career etc and i'm also very intellectual. This i know can intimidate some guys (not all but some) and in this case i'd seen the guy around a number of times, was intrigued and decided to go for it rather than do nothing and potentially miss out on a decent guy who didn't have the courage to make the initial move. Turns out during our conversation he asked and said a number of things which intimated that he had actually made a number of observations about me prior to our meet up some of which were minor details which i found surprising. Anyway, at the end of the day for whatever reason it turned into a case of HJINTITY but at least i seized the opportunity and will not wonder if i missed out on a potentially good thing.

[hazeleyes2013]

Unfortunately, I have to agree...I don't think he is interested. Besides, you want a man who pursues you, not a man you need to track down.

[crude]

Errr, without meaning to sound egotistical, I would consider myself attractive. I have been told several times I'm very attractive to the point that some guys have wondered why i'm available and I have had several advances or glances from men in the past and present.

 

Good, I was just generalizing. I hope you stiffen pants better than a commercial sized container of starch. My point was that in this day and age, women should be just as willing as a man to probe the possibility of a relationship. Stereotypes in 2013 are just so passe. Women always say that whenever they initiate, it never works out. Guess what, when men are the pursuers, it doesn't work out most of the time either, otherwise every man would marry the 1st girl he asked out at 15. Men keep plugging away, whereas women decide to do nothing. Not all men are stuck in the Middle Ages, and we get disappointed at passive women.

[Drseussgrrl]

Women never seem to look at it from the man's point of view. When a woman does nothing, the man is unsure of HER interest, whether she just wants a free ride or really likes him. This leads to men getting burned, angry, pumping and dumping etc, but you don't care, you just do nothing. And if you just rely on him persuing, you just get guys who check you out, decide "I could do her", and pursue for the sex. You just pass over guys who might be nicer but don't want to pursue for whatever reason, like they've been used before by women who do nothing.

 

Crude judging from your posts I gather you don't have a lot of experience/success with dating and women.

 

 

The men I have dated who were clear in their intention and pursuit were definitely not in it for the sex - they genuinely liked me. The men who kept me guessing on the other hand were lukewarm about me and gladly would have slept with me having no intention of taking things further.

 

 

My motto is "do nothing" not because I'm lazy but because whenever a man has truly liked me, I haven't HAD to do anything. He called, asked me out, was consistent, asked me to be his girlfriend. The guys I chased, every single one, was just not that into me.

 

 

It's so simple.

[Cutiepie1976]

Ok thanks for all your comments. There's a clear consensus and it is as I suspected anyway.

 

As a slight spin off from the orig. post it would be interesting to know if you guys think 'polite brush off' or the general disappearing act is acceptable and mature etiquette in dating or otherwise. It's certainly so pervasive it seems its been accepted as it is what it is. Obviously this is the easy option.

 

What's so wrong with a guy finding a polite way of directly saying HJNITY?

Curious to get your thoughts.

 

Whether I or you or anyone else thinks it's the "proper" way to convey the message is irrelevant. I can see why you feel frustrated and angry. But let's be realistic here. What are you proposing to do? Give him an impoliteness demerit? Send him a letter or an email telling him how he should have acted? Often those get posted by the recipient on the web for laughs and go viral.

 

Instead of expending mental energy and time on guys who don't care and worrying about what they should have done but didn't, focus on recognizing and removing yourself from dead ends quickly. Focus on moving on to the next guy instead. If you're completely honest with yourself, some of this might be fueled by disappointment and a little wounded pride. Unfortunately, it's causing you to react to an outcome in a way that is counterproductive to your goal. You're held back while he continues merrily on his way. Your goal is to find a guy who wants to go on dates with you, not to perseverate on some random dude who doesn't care. You're going to have to learn to let things go, rather than letting every minor thing get to you. Keep your focus on your goal.

 

Besides, you should be thankful he sent you a clear message instead of stringing you along and letting you pursue him into the bedroom, only to discover after the deed that he doesn't really see you as girlfriend material. When you pursue guys who aren't really interested, that's where you not uncommonly land up.

 

My advice, heartless as it might seem to you right now: forget he exists and just move on.

[bilatong]

Whether I or you or anyone else thinks it's the "proper" way to convey the message is irrelevant. I can see why you feel frustrated and angry. But let's be realistic here. What are you proposing to do? Give him an impoliteness demerit? Send him a letter or an email telling him how he should have acted? Often those get posted by the recipient on the web for laughs and go viral.

 

Instead of expending mental energy and time on guys who don't care and worrying about what they should have done but didn't, focus on recognizing and removing yourself from dead ends quickly. Focus on moving on to the next guy instead. If you're completely honest with yourself, some of this might be fueled by disappointment and a little wounded pride. Unfortunately, it's causing you to react to an outcome in a way that is counterproductive to your goal. You're held back while he continues merrily on his way. Your goal is to find a guy who wants to go on dates with you, not to perseverate on some random dude who doesn't care. You're going to have to learn to let things go, rather than letting every minor thing get to you. Keep your focus on your goal.

 

Besides, you should be thankful he sent you a clear message instead of stringing you along and letting you pursue him into the bedroom, only to discover after the deed that he doesn't really see you as girlfriend material. When you pursue guys who aren't really interested, that's where you not uncommonly land up.

 

My advice, heartless as it might seem to you right now: forget he exists and just move on.

 

Cutiepie76 not harsh at all. I actually appreciate the honesty. I like your post and completely agree with you. Thanks.

[Cutiepie1976]

It gets easier! View rejection as a natural part of the process and just getting you closer to the right person for you.

 

Nothing wrong with you having asked him out on the date BTW. That's a choice. Just understand that it can be harder to discern what is going on on his end. You also end up dating a much higher proportion of guys who are ambivalent at the outset, rather than truly interested in you. That puts you at greater risk of being used for casual sex because...well, you're there and he has nothing better going on. That's perfectly fine if you're after something casual too. Being aggressive works in your favor then because there are encounters that might have been missed otherwise. If on the other hand, you're looking for a relationship, you're putting yourself at a significant disadvantage because men and women often view sex and its relationship to love differently. Many guys will happily have sex with women they would never consider relationship material.