Exposure

[BetrayedH]

I don't believe in scorched Earth either. In fact, I had no interest in punishing anyone or in exposing "to stop the affair."

 

I just think the other BS deserves to know, short of a legitimate and considerable risk of physical harm. As previously stated, no mental gymnastics are required.

 

And even when it pertains to physical harm, it's so often complete bullshi t made up either by the WS, their OP, or both. The fact is that if they were SOOO concerned about repurcussions, they wouldn't have taken such a risk. How interesting that it's only enough of a concern when it's the BS's judgement to make. THEN it's some paramount priority.

 

I expect this kind of stuff from APs. It baffles me to hear it from BSs. Haven't we seen enough selfishness?

 

For the record WW, if you're convinced someone will get physically hurt, I get it.

[Furious]

I don't believe in scorched Earth either. In fact, I had no interest in punishing anyone or in exposing "to stop the affair."

 

I just think the other BS deserves to know, short of a legitimate and considerable risk of physical harm. As previously stated, no mental gymnastics are required.

 

And even when it pertains to physical harm, it's so often complete bullshi t made up either by the WS, their OP, or both. The fact is that if they were SOOO concerned about repurcussions, they wouldn't have taken such a risk. How interesting that it's only enough of a concern when it's the BS's judgement to make. THEN it's some paramount priority.

 

I expect this kind of stuff from APs. It baffles me to hear it from BSs. Haven't we seen enough selfishness?

 

For the record WW, if you're convinced someone will get physically hurt, I get it.

 

 

I agree BH

 

I also believe that in informing the other betrayed spouse it should be done with care and sensitivity, and I'm also not a believer in scorched earth exposure.

 

I'm astounded that some WS's knowingly get involved with an affair partner whose spouse is supposedly prone to violence but chooses to have that affair anyway and all the dangerous risk that goes with that, but then cry violence and danger after d -day to the betrayed spouse and convince them to not expose. SMH!!!

 

Not only does the betrayed have to deal with the pain of being cheated on, but are also placed in fear and may act against their own moral code when it comes to their value of truth.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Well I have experience with this from both angles. I was both a ww and my husband was a wh. My affair was a nuclear explosions. The pastors, in their infinite wisdom decided to announce our names before the congregation. It was an absolute disaster. Those that needed to know already knew and it could have been handled more delicately - word would have gotten out but it wouldn't have been as damaging. The entire community realed, the church fell apart, pastors lost their jobs, etc. It did not help our families (at least for ours - his was already living out of the community and just needed to change churches) heal at all - it made a huge scandal out of everything. It took me much longer to heal personally. In the end, I think I have actually gotten stronger because of staying and facing everything but it was absolutely horrible.

 

On the flip side, because of my trauma, my husband had his own affair. When I discovered it i decided I wanted to handle it differently. I demanded she quit the job and allowed her to leave over a two month period of time and did not expose to her husband. My husband has a very prominent business in town and I was concerned about the employer/employee situation and possibility of lawsuit, etc. and I just didn't think my kids could take much more and even though I had fallen in love with another man, I still loved my husband enough not to want to harm him - he was already broken and ashamed of his actions.

 

But now over a year later I am seeing the value if exposure. She feels free to come in the office whenever she wants and he says he feels nervous when she does and I just discovered this about a week ago. And she has called him as well - and he didn't confess this to me until two months after.

 

I am planning on talking with him this coming week and laying down some ground rules. She obviously feels like she is encouraged in some way or she wouldn't be coming around and calling.

 

Anyway, I don't know what the answer is - I think it has to be an individual choice and situation dependent.

 

This is so refreshing by the way. I was on another forum and was pretty much beat up and they were so militant and name calling - I just couldn't take it - no love for forgiveness or anything.

Edited March 31, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[Furious]

Well I have experience with this from both angles. I was both a ww and my husband was a wh. My affair was a nuclear explosions. The pastors, in their infinite wisdom decided to announce our names before the congregation. It was an absolute disaster. Those that needed to know already knew and it could have been handled more delicately - word would have gotten out but it wouldn't have been as damaging. The entire community realed, the church fell apart, pastors lost their jobs, etc. It did not help our families (at least for ours - his was already living out of the community and just needed to change churches) heal at all - it made a huge scandal out of everything. It took me much longer to heal personally. In the end, I think I have actually gotten stronger because of staying and facing everything but it was absolutely horrible.

 

On the flip side, because of my trauma, my husband had his own affair. When I discovered it i decided I wanted to handle it differently. I demanded she quit the

job and allowed her to leave over a two month period of time and did not expose to her husband. My husband has a very prominent business in town and I was concerned about the employer/employee situation and possibility of lawsuit, etc. and I just didn't think my kids could take much more and even though I had fallen in love with another man, I still loved my husband enough not to want to harm him - he was already broken and ashamed of his actions.

 

But now over a year later I am seeing the value if exposure. She feels free to

come in the office whenever she wants and he says he feels nervous when she does and I just discovered this about a week ago. And she has called him as well - and he didn't confess this to me until two months after.

 

I am planning on talking with him this coming week and laying down some ground rules. She obviously feels like she is encouraged in some way or she wouldn't be coming around and calling.

 

Anyway, I don't know what the answer is - I think it has to be an individual

choice and situation dependent.

 

This is so refreshing by the way. I was on another forum and was pretty much beat up and they were so militant and name calling - I just couldn't take it - no love for forgiveness or anything.

 

 

I believe in exposing to the other betrayed spouse but what you went through with your church and pastors is horrible. I've got to commend you for standing up to that kind of treatment. I feel so awful for what your church put you through. I admire how strong you were to stand up to that kind of treatment.

 

 

I'm also sorry for what you're going through with the ex-ow and her continued contact with your former wayward spouse. I get the feeling because you didn't expose to her to her betrayed spouse she got away with the consequences and this may why she continues to make contact with your husband.

 

You're in really tough spot, hope things get better for you.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Oh and in response to the "abusive husband" thing, my husbands OW told him that as well - he has angry outbursts, is violent, etc. I asked how he knew that - its only her word. And he agreed that he didn't know that personally.

 

So although I think there are some times where that's a concern, most of the time it's a lie. Will they be angry? Yes - but most of the time not violently abusive.

[CantgetoveritNY]

I'm also sorry for what you're going through with the ex-ow and her continued contact with your former wayward spouse. I get the feeling because you didn't expose to her to her betrayed spouse she got away with the consequences and this may why she continues to make contact with your husband.

 

You're in really tough spot, hope things get better for you.

 

Sometimes bringing consequences to bear on the AP is not revenge. It is self defense.

[BetrayedH]

There's a good number of reconciled spouses here, whether they be fBS or fWS so welcome to LS. There's still a lot of brutal honesty here though, too, so stay tough.

 

Like your H, I had an affair after my wife had hers but we didn't end up reconciled.

 

Furious brings up a good point about the OW not suffering consequences and so she feels free to just keep moving on. Horribly disrepectful after you were gracious. At the same time, I'm not a fan of imposing artificial consequences (particularly on your spouse if you're reconciling). I find that there are generally plenty of natural cosequences to an affair.

 

But I also believe that the other BS finding out is a natural consequence. I think that's where you may have missed the boat. If you are at all righting your wrongs, it's something that need to happen. I might avoid doing so during the weekly sermon but I don't think I have to tell you that.

 

Good luck with your reconciliation.

 

Oh, I should mention that your husband hiding contact with the OW is very concerning. That is not transparency (which should be a prerequisite at this point) and more importantly, it's not living an honest and authentic life. I hope you're addressing that big time.

[ComingInHot]

Truth = Good

 

Lie/s = Bad

 

Speaking Truth = Good

 

Silencing Truth = Bad

 

At least, that's my take.

[Steadfast]

Just because you did not expose does not speak for others who did expose and have moved on in a positive way.

 

Ahh yes. The irrefutable response. LS's own version of 'The Crane Kick'. Done properly, there is no defense against it.

 

How do you know I didn't expose? What does that have to do with anything? If everyone adopted this position, there would be no posts, by anyone, anywhere. I didn't invent common sense, or wisdom, but I try my hardest to recognize it. Except for informing the OM/OW's spouse, exposure is a justification/control tactic designed to benefit the betrayed. To punish, to even the score. You know it and I know it. Why deny?

 

I disagree with your assertion about the high road and the insults you've handed out to not only me but many betrayed spouses here at LS who did expose and are healing and living quite well with their personal decisions.

 

Frankly, the action warrants insults because it's bad advice. It's hollow advice. It's selfish, self-serving, justified because I'm hurting advice. Not suitable for long-term healing. Not a strong, but a weak action.

[Decorative]

Hmmm.

 

I exposed. We are happily reconciled.

 

Most of the couples I know that have rebuilt did some degree of exposure. Not a billboard in the center of town - but somewhere between the other betrayed spouse/ families, and friends who have been lied to.

 

The truth is only seen as a controlling factor or manipulation by those who use lies to navigate the world.

 

Honesty and disclosure aren't manipulations. They are, in fact, exactly the opposite.

[Furious]

Ahh yes. The irrefutable response. LS's own version of 'The Crane Kick'. Done properly, there is no defense against it.

 

How do you know I didn't expose? What does that have to do with anything? If everyone adopted this position, there would be no posts, by anyone, anywhere. I didn't invent common sense, or wisdom, but I try my hardest to recognize it. Except for informing the OM/OW's spouse, exposure is a justification/control tactic designed to benefit the betrayed. To punish, to even the score. You know it and I know it. Why deny?

 

 

 

Frankly, the action warrants insults because it's bad advice. It's hollow advice. It's selfish, self-serving, justified because I'm hurting advice. Not suitable for long-term healing. Not a strong, but a weak action.

 

 

As I said in a previous post I informed the other betrayed spouse and he was thankful for the truth and told me he would have contacted me if the shoe was on the other foot.

 

You seem very angry and judgemental, I wish you peace.

[dreamingoftigers]

If I found out any of the OW in my situation were married, I'd expose in about two seconds flat to their BH. I would try to keep hard copies of whatever evidence as well so that their WS could not mind-Fu*k them either into thinking "that BW is just crazy."

 

I would do this for multiple reasons having NOTHING to do with vengeance.

 

1. There are lots of STDs floating around. Chances are if she met my husband for a fling, she's meeting others too. Really increased risk for her husband.

 

2. WSs have a real tendency to treat their spouses like sh*t when they are messing around and blame them for everything under the Sun. That's Hell. Pure Hell. You go around trying to make your spouse happy while they crap on you repeatedly. Sending you the point-blank message that you "just don't get it." Meanwhile it's because they are being manipulative to keep up their outside activities with some self-justification attached. I couldn't stand by knowing that was happening to a BS. having been there, I couldn't watch someone dole out that kind of abuse and remain silent.

 

3. It's our right to know who are MARRIED PARTNERS are sleeping with. We married them and built a life with them by contractual, spiritual and loving agreement that we would treat each other with the most honesty and respect we could. Illicit affairs are anything but. And if those same people are willing to kick dirt in our faces, than clearly they NO LONGER agree to the terms of the contract.

 

4. It's really not that much different from any other form of abuse. I won't be an accessory to the blatant abuse if someone.

 

Ahh yes. The irrefutable response. LS's own version of 'The Crane Kick'. Done properly, there is no defense against it.

 

How do you know I didn't expose? What does that have to do with anything? If everyone adopted this position, there would be no posts, by anyone, anywhere. I didn't invent common sense, or wisdom, but I try my hardest to recognize it. Except for informing the OM/OW's spouse, exposure is a justification/control tactic designed to benefit the betrayed. To punish, to even the score. You know it and I know it. Why deny?

 

 

 

Frankly, the action warrants insults because it's bad advice. It's hollow advice. It's selfish, self-serving, justified because I'm hurting advice. Not suitable for long-term healing. Not a strong, but a weak action.

[CantgetoveritNY]

Except for informing the OM/OW's spouse, exposure is a justification/control tactic designed to benefit the betrayed. To punish, to even the score.

 

I exposed the A to the other BS. That was all good. Great result. No regrets.

 

I also have confided, very discreetly, in a few friends. Very few. I've told no one else. It's not exactly a high point for me.

 

My WW also told no one. Until recently. She told a friend of hers. This person was primarily her friend but we spent a fair amount of time together as a couple. I like this person and enjoyed our time together. WW warned me she was going to talk to this person. I asked her not to but she did anyway. I understand that WW might need to talk about this but why this person? Now I avoid her. Im embarrassed that she knows this about us. I think WW did this in part to punish me for talking to the few people that I have talked to.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

When I confronted my husband about his affair, I decided at that point (if you have read my previous posts) not to expose at that time. I wanted to handle things much differently than my affair had been handled.

 

But, I did need someone to talk to, so I did talk to my best friend and my sister. My husband wasn't happy about it and, in fact, was almost using this sad-sack beahvior to punish me for telling anyone, ie "It's your right to tell whomever you want, etc." But I needed some outside support and help to help me talk through everything.

 

Anyway, time will tell whether I need to go further with this or not.

[Steadfast]

As I said in a previous post I informed the other betrayed spouse and he was thankful for the truth and told me he would have contacted me if the shoe was on the other foot.

 

You seem very angry and judgemental, I wish you peace.

 

Thank you. I am not angry but I do try to use judgement. My pop used to say 'Use good judgement.' When is advising that being judgemental?

 

Sigh.

 

Most in this thread are long time, recognizable posters. All reasonably (if not more) intelligent. Am I typing it wrong? Am I doing a poor job of expressing myself? It would appear so. 'Exposing' isn't telling the OW/OM's spouse. That's common decency. It isn't telling close family and friends what happened or why a spouse is gone. Get real! Don't backtrack.

 

I've read the advice to expose three times this weekend. 'Tell everyone who will listen.' Circle the wagons, contact employers, parents, mutual friends, Santa Claus and the FBI. Tell the clerks at the local Carl's Jr.

 

I've made my point...or tried to. Time to let it go.

[BetrayedH]

For what it's worth, I don't think Furious was advocating for exposure beyond the BS. Exposing TO the BS has been a subject of discussion lately and most of the posts on this thread are addressing that subject. I'm a bit dismayed by the number of BSs that have not exposed to the other BS and have washed their hands of it. Nobody "owes" it to the other BS but I sure would like to see more common decency from this side of the triangle. I expect phrases like, "It's their marriage" or "Why should I take a risk?" or "It's up to the BS to decide if they want to do that" from the other corners. I guess I just expect a BS to be more empathetic to another BS. It took me six weeks to expose to the other BS but now that I have the benefit of hindsight, I can't really imagine leaving the other man's wife unaware and having no regrets.

 

As for the veteran posters, Road is the only one I can immediately name that promotes far and wide exposure (employers, friends, family, FaceBook) and I find that tactic to be manipulative and punishing even though it may be more effective in ending an affair. Who wants to guilt or punish their WS into staying? And if you're reconciling, who wants to punish a person that they "love?"

 

Oh, and I don't see revealing to close friends and family from whom you want support to fall into that same category. A support system is important and the BS leaning on friends/family is somewhat of a natural consequence when you've betrayed your spouse. I also see exposure to the other BS as a natural consequence but now I'm repeating myself. I have a feeling that Furious looks at it in similar fashion.

Edited April 1, 2013 by BetrayedH

[Decorative]

Thank you. I am not angry but I do try to use judgement. My pop used to say 'Use good judgement.' When is advising that being judgemental?

 

Sigh.

 

Most in this thread are long time, recognizable posters. All reasonably (if not more) intelligent. Am I typing it wrong? Am I doing a poor job of expressing myself? It would appear so. 'Exposing' isn't telling the OW/OM's spouse. That's common decency. It isn't telling close family and friends what happened or why a spouse is gone. Get real! Don't backtrack.

 

I've read the advice to expose three times this weekend. 'Tell everyone who will listen.' Circle the wagons, contact employers, parents, mutual friends, Santa Claus and the FBI. Tell the clerks at the local Carl's Jr.

 

I've made my point...or tried to. Time to let it go.

 

It would really help if you could highlight on LS what posters are saying such a wide exposure? I agree with using good judgment. I am just not seeing where good judgment is not being advocated?

 

Road suggests it- and he is routinely dismissed for it.

 

I had a "big" exposure-family and close friends of both OW and WH. All people who were being lied to.

 

 

 

So where have you read three times this weekend about exposing so large that anonymous checkers at a burger joint are hearing about this?

[dreamingoftigers]

I personally think Santa Claus should know.

 

I mean, why should he incur the cost of giving and delivering free gifts to some folks who clearly belong on the Naughty List?

 

The Easter Bunny doesn't need to know though. That's going too far. Besides a creature as promiscuous as a rabbit has no right to judge anyhow.

[Decorative]

I personally think Santa Claus should know.

 

I mean, why should he incur the cost of giving and delivering free gifts to some folks who clearly belong on the Naughty List?

 

The Easter Bunny doesn't need to know though. That's going too far. Besides a creature as promiscuous as a rabbit has no right to judge anyhow.

 

I actually just snorted. LOL

[Charlie Harper]

I wonder how many angry cheated spouses have gone and told the other BS about the A with disastrous results, namely VIOLENCE. maybe we dont have these histories here because they are in jail, accused of murder or attemped murder... bottom line is you fix your boat, they fix theirs, you may not like the consecuences of telling everyone about the A.

 

Also when betrayed S talk they like "THEIR THRUTH", in the end , a divorce or an Affair happens for some reason....

[Decorative]

I wonder how many angry cheated spouses have gone and told the other BS about the A with disastrous results, namely VIOLENCE. maybe we dont have these histories here because they are in jail, accused of murder or attemped murder... bottom line is you fix your boat, they fix theirs, you may not like the consecuences of telling everyone about the A.

 

Also when betrayed S talk they like "THEIR THRUTH", in the end , a divorce or an Affair happens for some reason....

 

It does happen for some reason.

 

The wayward cheats and lies.

[nofool4u]

I also think that "It's not my place to tell" is hogwash.

 

Its not their place to tell, but its their place to F someone elses spouse?:mad:

[nofool4u]

Also when betrayed S talk they like "THEIR THRUTH", in the end , a divorce or an Affair happens for some reason....

 

Here we go. Blaming the BS yet again.

[CantgetoveritNY]

I wonder how many angry cheated spouses have gone and told the other BS about the A with disastrous results, namely VIOLENCE. maybe we dont have these histories here because they are in jail, accused of murder or attemped murder...

 

What a load of crap! Seriously? A BS telling another BS about an A results in that exposing BS committing murder? Ok,,, that sound like it probably happened, never.

 

Is this poster a WS?

[dreamingoftigers]

What a load of crap! Seriously? A BS telling another BS about an A results in that exposing BS committing murder? Ok,,, that sound like it probably happened, never.

 

Is this poster a WS?

 

Actually the most common reason for murder is infidelity....

 

But it's still very uncommon.