Exposure

[Furious]

Why all the pressure on a betrayed spouse about the risk of exposure to the other betrayed spouse.

 

Why are betrayed spouses held a higher standard about exposing the truth when the cheaters were risking being caught and the repercussions that may occur.

 

My husband knew, but blocked that from his mind, that there was a chance the OW's husband may have caught them in the act and punched out his lights, same for the OW that knew i may have caught them together and who knows what I might have done in a moment of madness.

 

Many times I've read that the betrayed spouse shouldn't expose because of the unknown repercussions.

 

Why are betrayed spouses held at a higher standard than the cheaters when it comes to exposure?

 

I'm asking what others think about this double standard?

[underwater2010]

No pressure for non-exposure here. I am all for EXPOSURE!!! That is the only way to stop the affair cold. Two sets of eyes are better than one.

 

Maybe the APs should have thought about the repercusions prior to cheating!!!!

[Furious]

Weeks after I discovered the affair I agonized over whether I should or shouldn't give the OW's husband the truth.

 

I know if it was me I would have wanted to know, I would rather the truth of my reality than the lie of my reality as much as it hurt. At least I would have the choices I was denied.

 

I asked my husband how he managed knowing the risks he was taking if the OW's husband caught them together. He told me he knew that there was the chance of being caught together but he blocked it from his mind, he admitted he was stupid and arrogant to risk the unknown repercussions. He actually believed and hoped I'd never find out and of course I did despite all the effort they put into keeping me and the OW's husband in the dark.

 

I have to say I took it more seriously and with much more thought into

informing the OW's husband than my WS and his married other woman did into choosing to cheat and the risks that it entailed.

 

I eventually exposed the truth, and I did so knowing the risk I was taking was less than what the cheaters took.

 

In the end the OW's husband thanked me for the truth and told me he would have informed me if the shoe was on the other foot.

 

 

In the end the truth prevailed and that's what I think it should be.

 

I own my choices and that's as it should be for everyone.

Edited March 29, 2013 by Furious

[Summer Breeze]

Why all the pressure on a betrayed spouse about the risk of exposure to the other betrayed spouse.

 

Why are betrayed spouses held a higher standard about exposing the truth when the cheaters were risking being caught and the repercussions that may occur.

 

My husband knew, but blocked that from his mind, that there was a chance the OW's husband may have caught them in the act and punched out his lights, same for the OW that knew i may have caught them together and who knows what I might have done in a moment of madness.

 

Many times I've read that the betrayed spouse shouldn't expose because of the unknown repercussions.

 

Why are betrayed spouses held at a higher standard than the cheaters when it comes to exposure?

 

I'm asking what others think about this double standard?

 

That's an interesting question. I tend to advise to do what you want and need to do but always be prepared in case there are repercussions. I also tend to make mention that when a BS broadly exposes the AP they should expose the WS the same way. I have to say when I was a BS I wanted out almost as soon as I found out so exposure wasn't even on my radar.

 

I think it's another area where everyone sees differently what's the right or wrong thing to do.

[waterwoman]

I think the BS should expose or not as they wish. But I do wish people wouldn't put pressure either way. I know the other BS needs to know but why should I have worried about that on d-day? Enough on my plate.

 

I didn't tell. Because h had convinced me OW was the victim of an abusive marriage to a violent control freak. I was also concerned he'd turn up at our house shouting the odds. I asked h why, if he loved had he risked her h finding out and hurting her. He didn't have an answer. I asked if he was worried he would come after him.He gave a sort of sneer and said 'I could handle him' Arrogant idiot! What about if he'd gone to work and made a scene there (great for a teacher of vulnerable children) or come to our home and exposed it all to our children.

[BetrayedH]

I think the BS should expose or not as they wish. But I do wish people wouldn't put pressure either way. I know the other BS needs to know but why should I have worried about that on d-day? Enough on my plate.

 

I didn't tell. Because h had convinced me OW was the victim of an abusive marriage to a violent control freak. I was also concerned he'd turn up at our house shouting the odds. I asked h why, if he loved had he risked her h finding out and hurting her. He didn't have an answer. I asked if he was worried he would come after him.He gave a sort of sneer and said 'I could handle him' Arrogant idiot! What about if he'd gone to work and made a scene there (great for a teacher of vulnerable children) or come to our home and exposed it all to our children.

 

So, was the OW actually a victim of a marriage to a violent control freak? You realize that this is a very typical lie, right?

 

As well, it makes little sense that your H was so dismissive of the threat to himself or to his mistress if the betrayed husband is such a threat.

 

Nor does it make sense that his OW would risk an affair when she has a violent control freak on her hands.

 

So instead of seeking a women's shelter, we go screw around with each other and take a risk of getting killed? And then say that "we didn't think about it"? And then say that the BS should think about it or someone could get killed? Again, was there really a serious risk of violence or not? The evidence sure as hell doesn't add up.

 

What the eff sense does it make to say that he was such a violence risk that both APs completely ignored it? But after they are caught, they claim that YOU can't take the risk of telling? They've been going out of their way to take that exact risk for weeks/months/years.

 

Where I do agree with you WW is that it doesn't have to be in the immediate days after Dday. In my situation, I didn't care about the other man's family for a good month. I just wasn't ready for anything outside my own family and trauma. But I do think it has to be dealt with.

[NotCamelot]

I think, first, the AP's spouse derserves the same right to know that you do.

 

Secondly, the AP's spouse can become an ally. And, though sometimes shocked, usually appreciates the reveal.

 

I did it. It helped my situation trememdously.

 

Called the AP, called my W, called his W. All within an hour. It brought the A crashing down fast and without time for anyone to plan escapes or stories. And, regardless of how I felt toward my W, it also brought her APs world crashing down on top of him as well.....and there was some sweet revenge in that.

 

I think that if you don't want to R, then telling the APs spouse is totally a judgement thing. But if you want to reconcile, it is a must.

[Decorative]

So, was the OW actually a victim of a marriage to a violent control freak? You realize that this is a very typical lie, right?

 

As well, it makes little sense that your H was so dismissive of the threat to himself or to his mistress if the betrayed husband is such a threat.

 

Nor does it make sense that his OW would risk an affair when she has a violent control freak on her hands.

 

So instead of seeking a women's shelter, we go screw around with each other and take a risk of getting killed? And then say that "we didn't think about it"? And then say that the BS should think about it or someone could get killed? Again, was there really a serious risk of violence or not? The evidence sure as hell doesn't add up.

 

What the eff sense does it make to say that he was such a violence risk that both APs completely ignored it? But after they are caught, they claim that YOU can't take the risk of telling? They've been going out of their way to take that exact risk for weeks/months/years.

 

Where I do agree with you WW is that it doesn't have to be in the immediate days after Dday. In my situation, I didn't care about the other man's family for a good month. I just wasn't ready for anything outside my own family and trauma. But I do think it has to be dealt with.

 

I agree. Especially because the OW is pregnant again- which gives a lie to a lot of what she said, I would think.

[Furious]

That's an interesting question. I tend to advise to do what you want and need to do but always be prepared in case there are repercussions. I also tend to make mention that when a BS broadly exposes the AP they should expose the WS the same way. I have to say when I was a BS I wanted out almost as soon as I found out so exposure wasn't even on my radar.

 

I think it's another area where everyone sees differently what's the right or wrong thing to do.

 

 

SB

 

I don't know your backstory. Did you discover your WS's affair or were you informed by someone else about the affair?

 

 

 

The thing is you chose to divorce your husband based on the truth but what if someone knew but chose not to tell you. What if years later you found out that the other betrayed spouse or someone close to you decided to not inform you of your own realty. Would that sit well with you?

[Snowflower]

I was a BS who did not say anything to the other BS. To be honest, I didn't even think about it. I was in so much shock and pain after d-day that I could barely function.

 

OW and her H were separated at the time of the affair (which I was able to confirm) so I think that played into my not trying to contact him. They lived several hours away from us and I well, was a newbie to all that. At the time it seemed like potentially more drama for me to deal with had I told him.

 

I was probably very selfish in that way but before anyone goes after me for this, the BH in my situation never attempted to contact me either.

[2sunny]

It's always my responsibility to speak what's real - for me that's truth.

 

To expect the cheater to show evidence of revealing truth isn't likely... For they are accustomed to lying and covering up truth to save their sorry a$$.

[Snowflower]

There is often tremendous pressure here for a BS to tell the AP's spouse. I don't agree with pressuring a BS to disclose if they don't want to, for whatever reason.

 

I know that is not a popular opinion.

 

However, in the immediate aftermath of d-day, I think the BS needs to take care of her/himself first and foremost. After all, the BS has been shat upon by their WS in the most horrible of ways. For once, the BS can take care of themselves and focus on what they need.

 

I truly believe both betrayed spouses have the right to know of course. However, it does not have to be the responsibility of either betrayed to tell all, unless they want to.

Edited March 29, 2013 by Snowflower

[Steen719]

I did not tell the other BS for one reason only. She and her H had children about my son's age, early 20s and my son was so hurt by all of what happened, I decided that I could not, as a mother, hurt her children that way. I thought about it long and hard, but didn't and then told the OW why and that it was not for her benefit or the benefit of my (now) XH. I don't regret it. Maybe I should, but I don't.

[waterwoman]

So, was the OW actually a victim of a marriage to a violent control freak? You realize that this is a very typical lie, right?

 

As well, it makes little sense that your H was so dismissive of the threat to himself or to his mistress if the betrayed husband is such a threat.

 

Nor does it make sense that his OW would risk an affair when she has a violent control freak on her hands.

 

So instead of seeking a women's shelter, we go screw around with each other and take a risk of getting killed? And then say that "we didn't think about it"? And then say that the BS should think about it or someone could get killed? Again, was there really a serious risk of violence or not? The evidence sure as hell doesn't add up.

 

What the eff sense does it make to say that he was such a violence risk that both APs completely ignored it? But after they are caught, they claim that YOU can't take the risk of telling? They've been going out of their way to take that exact risk for weeks/months/years.

 

 

Absolutely. Don't disagree with any of that. But from a purely selfish POV why take a risk. This is a small town, he has a rep for being a bit of a 'nasty piece of work' why bring that to my door? Yes, h and OW should have thought of that first but either they didn't or they truly believed they'd never get caught - according to h she was pathologically scared of him finding out and it was only discovered because h was careless with his texts (for which she called him a 'f#ck ing idiot'.) So I could tell him for what, the good of my soul? His benefit? So h and OW get punished,? And then reap the whirlwind when potentially he half kills her, attacks my H and either/both end up hurt or under arrest, or comes to our house looking for h and hurts me or the kids. WHY would I want any if those outcomes? There has been enough pain and confusion in this home.

 

The pregnancy? H was told he demanded sex every night. When they were still together it could well be a likely outcome. Assuming it's his - she has a chequered history of relationships to say the least and not all babies are conceived intentionally in loving relationships. Poor little thing.

[BetrayedH]

WW, I'm not sure how you can believe anything your H says about the BH, let alone anything that he says the OW said. I'm not sure who told you the BH is a nasty piece of work but so far he seems like a victim in this scenario to me and no one cares about anything but "purely selfish" motivations. Has this guy actually done anything to anyone that you actually KNOW about? What possible motivation could he have for attacking you or your kids? It just seems as if he is being painted as the bad guy here and undeserving of the truth.

 

I can understand not thinking of the other family in the immediate aftermath of Dday but the last thing I expected in this thread was three BSs willing to leave another BS in the dark indefinitely. Would you not hope that someone would tell you? Does he not deserve the same courtesy? Would you be upset with people that didn't tell you? I'm seriously not trying to judge anyone and this has made me think how I see everything thru the lense of my own scenario but I am still just...dismayed.

[Summer Breeze]

SB

 

I don't know your backstory. Did you discover your WS's affair or were you informed by someone else about the affair?

 

 

 

The thing is you chose to divorce your husband based on the truth but what if someone knew but chose not to tell you. What if years later you found out that the other betrayed spouse or someone close to you decided to not inform you of your own realty. Would that sit well with you?

 

Sorry Furious I only just came back into this thread.

 

I knew. There was something off about him and there was someone we both worked with that always made me a little unsettled. She called our house one time and asked a work related question I could answer and she insisted on speaking to xH. When I confronted him his face said it all and he fell to pieces and couldn't dish the dirt fast enough. My BFF called while we were in the middle of the argument and said she had something to tell me. He's having an A with OW. I'm sorry and I hope you don't hate me. Solid memories kind of stop at that point.

 

There was a BS on the other side and I heard that another friend of BFF and I told him too. My decisions were made so quickly I didn't consider him. But my assumption was he knew. Would I have told him? I don't know. Would I have been upset if he had known and I didn't? I guess it depends on how long he knew. It was a different time 20 some odd years ago. It was a small town and news spread fast but you kept your business to yourself. It would be oddly fascinating to be going through what I did, at that age, armed with the knowledge I have in my fifties. I don't have any regrets but it's a much more open world right now.

 

My general thought is I would prefer to be told but I could understand if the other BS chose not to. It's s ****storm to be dealing with and sometimes you merely react and think about it after the fact.

[waterwoman]

WW, has this guy actually done anything to anyone that you actually KNOW about? What possible motivation could he have for attacking you or your kids? It just seems as if he is being painted as the bad guy here and undeserving of the truth.

 

 

Yes. He has. As I said it's a small town. He put his first wife's brother in hospital. He has been in prison for a short while for GBH. Nice bloke? I don't think he would attack me or my kids physically but I don't get the impression he'd hold back if I tried to stop him from attacking H and I don't doubt for a moment he'd be willing to shout and yell about the affair in the hearing if my children. Should he know? Probably. But why should I tell him? I'm not responsible for this mess. I am sorry his wife had an affair but it's not my fault!

[Decorative]

Yes. He has. As I said it's a small town. He put his first wife's brother in hospital. He has been in prison for a short while for GBH. Nice bloke? I don't think he would attack me or my kids physically but I don't get the impression he'd hold back if I tried to stop him from attacking H and I don't doubt for a moment he'd be willing to shout and yell about the affair in the hearing if my children. Should he know? Probably. But why should I tell him? I'm not responsible for this mess. I am sorry his wife had an affair but it's not my fault!

 

Presumably- his wife knows his history. She CHOSE to sleep around and then become pregnant by him.Actions speak louder than words - so I would carefully measure the actions you see against the stories you are being told. Your spouse has a lot to gain by telling you stories about the OW's motivation and decisions. I know you love him and are reconciling- but you must recognize his bias, and need to do so.

 

If he, the BH, has an actual demonstrable history of violence- that you have confirmed from someone other than your husband, then I understand not telling him. I would want to be absolutely positive I had the truth of that, though.

 

But in general- if you withhold information like this- it is not an honorable decision. By you.

[Steadfast]

Why all the pressure on a betrayed spouse about the risk of exposure to the other betrayed spouse.

 

Pressure? From where? Loveshack? Please. IMO, you're hunting for a hot thread and stirring up debate. That's fine, but call it what it is. Drama.

 

Why are betrayed spouses held a higher standard about exposing the truth when the cheaters were risking being caught and the repercussions that may occur?

 

I am a strong advocate of the high road. I do firmly believe that we can avoid regret by resisting the temptation to do regrettable things. There is no 'double standard', only one standard; integrity. Far too often the betrayed feel they've earned a free pass for bad decisions based on what's happened to them. Eye-for-an-eye. Only later do they realize they've made a bad situation worse. The folly of exposure to destroy an affair gains what? A humiliated/scared spouse returning home? No thanks.

 

I do believe the OW/OM's spouse should know, but again, don't be surprised at the reaction. Don't be surprised if, after the smoke clears, you're remembered as the bad guy. How many times does this cycle need to repeat itself before people start believing it? Just the same, in this day of disease and violence one has an obligation to tell the fourth party.

 

Any reaction to regain control, even the score or actions 'earned' by betrayal only adds to the problem. Deepens the wound. Slows healing.

 

Maintaining integrity is for the good of the betrayed. It very well may be unfair, add initial pressure and stress, but the long term gains of taking high road is worth it. Don't allow betrayal to make you self-centered.

[TheOW]

Yes. He has. As I said it's a small town. He put his first wife's brother in hospital. He has been in prison for a short while for GBH. Nice bloke? I don't think he would attack me or my kids physically but I don't get the impression he'd hold back if I tried to stop him from attacking H and I don't doubt for a moment he'd be willing to shout and yell about the affair in the hearing if my children. Should he know? Probably. But why should I tell him? I'm not responsible for this mess. I am sorry his wife had an affair but it's not my fault!

 

I agree with u WW I know what small towns are like and they don't lie ! If he is bad news he's bad news, why on earth would you want that at your doorstep ? She seems pretty messed up and stuck in an abusive relationship she can't escape from until she finds some courage to do so.

 

My opinion don't tell him get on with your life and forget "them" you seem so nice WW, I value and read all your posts (in this section and the other) you are a realist when it comes to A you don't pretend that your H affair meant nothing (which many people on here do)

 

I wish you all the best with your reconciliation with your H you truly deserve it, such a nice person and I imagine this to be true IRL x

[Decorative]

Pressure? From where? Loveshack? Please. IMO, you're hunting for a hot thread and stirring up debate. That's fine, but call it what it is. Drama.

 

 

 

I am a strong advocate of the high road. I do firmly believe that we can avoid regret by resisting the temptation to do regrettable things. There is no 'double standard', only one standard; integrity. Far too often the betrayed feel they've earned a free pass for bad decisions based on what's happened to them. Eye-for-an-eye. Only later do they realize they've made a bad situation worse. The folly of exposure to destroy an affair gains what? A humiliated/scared spouse returning home? No thanks.

 

I do believe the OW/OM's spouse should know, but again, don't be surprised at the reaction. Don't be surprised if, after the smoke clears, you're remembered as the bad guy. How many times does this cycle need to repeat itself before people start believing it? Just the same, in this day of disease and violence one has an obligation to tell the fourth party.

 

Any reaction to regain control, even the score or actions 'earned' by betrayal only adds to the problem. Deepens the wound. Slows healing.

 

Maintaining integrity is for the good of the betrayed. It very well may be unfair, add initial pressure and stress, but the long term gains of taking high road is worth it. Don't allow betrayal to make you self-centered.

 

Telling the truth *is* the high road.

 

Mental gymnastics need not apply.

[waterwoman]

Yes, OK, I'm a coward <shrug> I'm sorry. I have dealt with so much crap in the last 9 months that I still smell of it.

 

I have prided myself in being compassionate, polite and friendly. I have always put others first, tried to help, been a good girl. I have worked hard to build a stable life for my family.

 

OW and her H are tragic, destructive people. From what I KNOW about him, he is dangerous to be with. From what I have been told (by a friend who knows her family) about OW she is also pretty messed-up. I am sorry for both of them. Truly.

 

But that is ENOUGH! Enough of it all. For the sake of honesty I should invite them both back into my life? I didn't invite them in the first time round! OK, maybe I should, but sorry, I am not going to. As I said, yes I am cowardly. I have been a victim, why is the onus on me to set it right?

 

Mea culpa.

[waterwoman]

Thanks TOW x

[Furious]

Pressure? From where? Loveshack? Please. IMO, you're hunting for a hot thread and stirring up debate. That's fine, but call it what it is. Drama.

 

 

 

I am a strong advocate of the high road. I do firmly believe that we can avoid regret by resisting the temptation to do regrettable things. There is no 'double standard', only one standard; integrity. Far too often the betrayed feel they've earned a free pass for bad decisions based on what's happened to them. Eye-for-an-eye. Only later do they realize they've made a bad situation worse. The folly of exposure to destroy an affair gains what? A humiliated/scared spouse returning home? No thanks.

 

I do believe the OW/OM's spouse should know, but again, don't be surprised at

the reaction. Don't be surprised if, after the smoke clears, you're remembered as the bad guy. How many times does this cycle need to repeat itself before people start believing it? Just the same, in this day of disease and violence one has an obligation to tell the fourth party.

 

Any reaction to regain control, even the score or actions 'earned' by betrayal only adds to the problem. Deepens the wound. Slows healing.

 

Maintaining integrity is for the good of the betrayed. It very well may be unfair, add initial pressure and stress, but the long term gains of taking high road is worth it. Don't allow betrayal to make you self-centered.

 

 

This thread has been respectful and a very good discussion with many views.

 

Seems you're the one who is trying to stir up drama and are being quite harsh and judgemental. Just because you did not expose does not speak for others who did expose and have moved on in a positive way.

 

I disagree with your assertion about the high road and the insults you've handed out to not only me but many betrayed spouses here at LS who did expose and are healing and living quite well with their personal decisions.

[Got it]

As a WS, I assumed that the gloves are off once a dday hits. I can definitely see the reasoning to telling the other spouse, but agree that many may not feel they want to.

 

What I have raised my eyebrows at is the scorched earth tactic. When you are telling everyone and their mother. As long as it's not illegal I say go crazy but that is when there is a lot less control of the repercussions. I would caution a BS to think through that one but to each their own.