any opinions welcome. thanx.

[costablanca]

hi everyone. just wonderded if anyone would like to throw in any opinions about what goin on with my ex.

 

quick recap....im english, hes spanish. we lived in spain, now im in the uk. together 7 yrs in total. 3 years ago i cheated. a one night thing. i came clean the very next day. he was devastated. we carried on together but a year after he broke up with me.(2 yrs ago).

within 6 months he wanted to try again. we did. we were together another 18 months up till may this year, when he sat me down one night and said it was over again. he said hed met someone 3 months before (january) and although he didnt take it any further than a weekend, he had felt strong feelings for her. hed thought about it a lot since and hed realized he wasnt in love with me(hence feeling what he did for the other woman).

 

1st of may. ok. i left with just a few things and there was no contact (killed me but i knew there was no hope). 2 months later he contacted me. just wanted to know how i was doing and hear my voice. i was very strong. he was weak. he told me how nobody had been there for him bla bla bla he cried a lot and said just talking with me made everything right. i got angry and slammed the fone down.

 

no contact for another month.

 

1st of august. im in spain for a week. he comes to me. with my engagement ring in his hand what id left behind in may when i left. sorry for all the pain hes caused me but life is just terrible without me, everything he thought he wanted to do doesent mean anything now, he had been an a**h*** and realized it was me he wanted to be with forever. he just goes to work, comes home and gets stoned to block it all out. would i give hime a second chance and forgive him. he said he was prepared to anything to win me back so i told him he must ask me to marry him. which he did. he was exstatic, so was i. his family were thrilled too. they started to make plans over there and i started to sort things out in the uk.

 

my birthday came on the 24 august. no happy birthday. 2 days later i got a fone call saying he couldnt go through with it. he wanted to be single and have fun. i was devastated. i told him how cruel i thought he was and to never contact me again. that i would be coming over in october to collect my car and all my things. we havent spoken since.

 

shortly after a close friend of mine over there told me he has had a breakdown. really in a bad way. suicidal. gave up his job(hes a nurse) he was admitted into hospital for 2 weeks and he has now moved in with his mother. hes on tranquilizers.

 

this morning i got a letter saying how sorry he was, for all the pain hes caused me, kills him to think about what hes lost, and how hes fu##ed up everything! how there is no god, to have let this happen. he will just have to ride the storm and pray that one day the pain will lift. he was alone and lost and nobody can help him. wishing me nothing but happiness for the future. and begging for contact.

 

what happened to being single and having fun??

 

ok. any theories??? blows my mind!

 

what is it with him? is he still hurt about me cheating? is he just weak and cant let go? does he still love me but cant see it???

 

as for me the last 4 months have been pretty awful. but im still kickin. i still have my down days and i still have a cry each evening, but i can see the light. after the last promises he made and then badly let me down, something inside me changed. a turning point maybe. still wishing he would come to his senses, but either way, im gonna be ok. really nervous about goin over in october for my stuff.

 

thanx. costa. xxxx

[rogueless]

He is mentally ill. I'm glad he got help. When you are mentally ill, you are irrational. So there are no rational answers for his actions. Don't resume a relationship with him. He will repeat his actions over and over again. You did not cause his illness. His illness caused the relationship mess. Good luck and God bless

[Max Zoom]

Max thinks you should listen to Rogue but Max doesn't think you should downplay the role your cheating may have played in his downward spiral.

 

Max is not being judgemental , cheating is part of the human condition, but you yourself said he was devastated as a result of your infidelity. Devastation is total destruction so one shouldn't be surprised if several bits of wiring remain loose in the years that follow..

 

Bottom line here: Max thinks if you cheat and you want your relationship to continue then try to stop cheating but never tell. It rarely helps matters.