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broken up previous ex wont leave me alone - new harsh email arrived

crustyjojo

By crustyjojo
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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crustyjojo Member

crustyjojo

Posted
Posted

Please give me some thoughts on how to deal with this. Original post from earlier today pasted below

 

So I'm in first week of NC with guy who just broke up with me and desperately trying to put my life back together. utterly devestated.

 

A previous boyfriend, who I broke up with because he would not deal with is alcoholism has been sending me emails. I asked him really nicely to leave me alone and he said he would respect my wishes.

 

BUT now I get another email this morning. I know he is reaching out to me bacause he cares and probably looking for a chance for us to reconcile.

 

What do I do? My head is telling me to ask him again to leave me alone and respect my wishes, and I know I am feeling desperately lonely. But I wonder if I should take up the olive branch and just chat.

 

OMG this is seriously screwing with my head at a time when I really dont need it - HELP!

 

So ignored the email from today (NC rule) and now I get this email

 

Do nt be cruel.

You've said you want to be left alone but I think about you all the time.

Do what I said, tell me you are ok, just two letters, and I will be OK.

You do nt have to go beyond that and tell me I am pissing you off.

Just an OK would be great.

You are a great and wonderful person, I think.

 

Please some advice on how to deal?

lovelyde Established Member

lovelyde

Posted
Posted
Please give me some thoughts on how to deal with this. Original post from earlier today pasted below

 

So I'm in first week of NC with guy who just broke up with me and desperately trying to put my life back together. utterly devestated.

 

A previous boyfriend, who I broke up with because he would not deal with is alcoholism has been sending me emails. I asked him really nicely to leave me alone and he said he would respect my wishes.

 

BUT now I get another email this morning. I know he is reaching out to me bacause he cares and probably looking for a chance for us to reconcile.

 

What do I do? My head is telling me to ask him again to leave me alone and respect my wishes, and I know I am feeling desperately lonely. But I wonder if I should take up the olive branch and just chat.

 

OMG this is seriously screwing with my head at a time when I really dont need it - HELP!

 

So ignored the email from today (NC rule) and now I get this email

 

Do nt be cruel.

You've said you want to be left alone but I think about you all the time.

Do what I said, tell me you are ok, just two letters, and I will be OK.

You do nt have to go beyond that and tell me I am pissing you off.

Just an OK would be great.

You are a great and wonderful person, I think.

 

Please some advice on how to deal?

 

 

 

Why don't you make a date with a new man, then write your ex:

 

 

"I'm dating another guy right now. I don't need your alcoholism. Bye."

 

 

 

 

-

  • Like 1
Chris516 Established Member

Chris516

Posted
Posted
Please give me some thoughts on how to deal with this. Original post from earlier today pasted below

 

So I'm in first week of NC with guy who just broke up with me and desperately trying to put my life back together. utterly devestated.

 

A previous boyfriend, who I broke up with because he would not deal with is alcoholism has been sending me emails. I asked him really nicely to leave me alone and he said he would respect my wishes.

 

BUT now I get another email this morning. I know he is reaching out to me bacause he cares and probably looking for a chance for us to reconcile.

 

What do I do? My head is telling me to ask him again to leave me alone and respect my wishes, and I know I am feeling desperately lonely. But I wonder if I should take up the olive branch and just chat.

 

OMG this is seriously screwing with my head at a time when I really dont need it - HELP!

 

So ignored the email from today (NC rule) and now I get this email

 

Do nt be cruel.

You've said you want to be left alone but I think about you all the time.

Do what I said, tell me you are ok, just two letters, and I will be OK.

You do nt have to go beyond that and tell me I am pissing you off.

Just an OK would be great.

You are a great and wonderful person, I think.

 

Please some advice on how to deal?

 

Don't answer the e-mail.

  • Like 1
Vogeltron Established Member

Vogeltron

Posted
Posted

Male advice here.

 

Tell him to go pound sand.

 

Anyone sending you messages after you broke up with them saying don't be cruel... I think about you all the time... It is just a bunch of b.s. If the guy has or has had a drinking problem in the past and he screwed things up. He should be apologizing about the past and saying how much he had enjoyed being around you and blew it or whatever. How much he would like an opportunity to amend and feels terrible about it and would like to get back to friends level. Not be telling you he is thinking about you all the time etc. Sounds like a bunch of b.s. You instincts seem right from the info you have given. I would tell the guy something along the line of: you already burnt that bridge it is never going to happen.

  • Like 1
TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted

Read the No Contact Guide in my signature.

 

You need to block every possible available avenue which permits a way through - in either direction.

 

That includes opening a new email account and closing off the other one with an automatic response, such as:

 

"This email account is no longer operational. Emails to this address will no longer be received."

 

You need to delete him off your phone and block his number.

You need - if necessary - to change your phone numbers (mobile AND Land-line, as applicable)

 

If you don't want contact from someone who is morally weak and has no self-discipline, then sadly, you have to do the hard work to reinforce that request.

 

These are, however, not life-changing and dramatically drastic methods.

 

WE all have to change contact details some time. Like if we move continents (as I have - twice) or even into a neighbouring county.

 

It's no big deal.

But it has to - and can - be done.

lovelifexx Established Member

lovelifexx

Posted
Posted

I have not talked to my ex in four months, but recently I sent an email. It was not crazy emotional and I was not begging him back. But, I did send it because I wanted to be friends with him and I hated that we act like total strangers when we see eachother. I could see he felt uncomfortable. He never answered the mail, and it hurt like hell that after all we have been through together, he couldn't even answer it even if it was just to say it's is too hard to be friends. (He broke up with me.) I think it is selfish and cowardly and immature. I would always reply to someone even if it hurts. How do we get anywhere if we just constantly ignore eachtother and every uncomfotable situation?

 

It's not that I don't agree with no contact when someone breaks up with you and you need to do it to heal. But, why is everyone on here so hard core NC for EVRYTHING? Life is hard, relationships of all kinds are difficult and can be painful. You broke up with him and he made a lot of mistakes. I can understand how it feels to be him though. I think he at leasts deserves a message back, even if it is not what he wants to hear. If what you want is not to reconcile or to have regular contact with him, then tell him instead of completely ignoring him. I think everyone deserves at least that.

  • Like 1
SendHope Member

SendHope

Posted
Posted

Just ignore it.

 

I think the intention here is quite clear. He wants his guilt relieved (ironically by guilt tripping you with "you're not cruel..."). You are not cruel. You are doing what you need to do to heal and survive through the days.

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted
I have not talked to my ex in four months, but recently I sent an email. It was not crazy emotional and I was not begging him back. But, I did send it because I wanted to be friends with him and I hated that we act like total strangers when we see eachother. I could see he felt uncomfortable. He never answered the mail, and it hurt like hell that after all we have been through together, he couldn't even answer it even if it was just to say it's is too hard to be friends. (He broke up with me.) I think it is selfish and cowardly and immature. I would always reply to someone even if it hurts. How do we get anywhere if we just constantly ignore eachtother and every uncomfotable situation?

 

How do you get anywhere if you insist on exposing yourself to every uncomfortable situation?

That's just total and complete Self-sabotage.

 

The only way to overcome the pain of separation, is by focusing on what it is WE need, rather than what the other person seems to need.

In your case, even if you were dumped, your ex- obviously still felt affected enough to refuse contact with you.

And nothing on this planet should dictate that he should have responded....

 

It's a proven fact - just trawl through the threads, you'll see - that breaking No Contact is virtually completely negative in its results. The only time to engineer Contact - is when both people feel completely comfortable and have moved on to the extent that anything to do with the broken up relationship leaves them indifferent.

How do you know when that will be?

 

you don't.

 

The survival instinct is fuelled not by going towards a favourable situation, but by distancing yourself from an unfavourable one.

 

You wouldn't say to a child, "Hey Johnny, that dog is growling, snarling and baring his teeth. Try giving him a biscuit...."

 

Or

 

"That fire is seriously hot, Jane - try touching it, see what happens...."

 

You remove them from the potentially dangerous situations.

It's exactly the same premise with risking breaking No Contact.

 

If unsure, it's better to take a safe route rather than risk getting hurt.

 

Again.

 

It's not that I don't agree with no contact when someone breaks up with you and you need to do it to heal. But, why is everyone on here so hard core NC for EVRYTHING?

Because it works.

 

If it ain't broke, why fix it?

 

Life is hard, relationships of all kinds are difficult and can be painful. You broke up with him and he made a lot of mistakes. I can understand how it feels to be him though. I think he at leasts deserves a message back, even if it is not what he wants to hear
.

 

There is no clearer, more unequivocal message than silence.

 

You got it, didn't you?

 

If what you want is not to reconcile or to have regular contact with him, then tell him instead of completely ignoring him. I think everyone deserves at least that.

 

This guy is pulling the guilt card. he is a person who has problems with alcohol.

 

Let him get on the AA 12-steps - then maybe she can think about agreeing to speaking with him.

 

part of the AA 12-step programme, is to ask forgiveness of those whom you have hurt during the time you depended on Alcohol.

 

There is nothing anywhere that suggests those you approach are obligated to do so.

Cogee Established Member

Cogee

Posted
Posted (edited)

So ignored the email from today (NC rule) and now I get this email

 

Do nt be cruel.

You've said you want to be left alone but I think about you all the time.

Do what I said, tell me you are ok, just two letters, and I will be OK.

You do nt have to go beyond that and tell me I am pissing you off.

Just an OK would be great.

You are a great and wonderful person, I think.

 

Please some advice on how to deal?

 

This email is telling me a lot about this person. He is trying to make you feel bad by saying you are cruel; he is saying your personal wishes don't matter because of his wishes; finally, he tries to compliment you but withholds actually giving a genuine comment by qualifying it with "I think", meaning if you don't respond then he takes it back.

 

Just think about what he is saying here: you are cruel, your wishes don't matter, and you might not be a great person after all. He is being manipulative in order to get you to respond and at this point I am ecstatic that you have maintained NC. Keep NC with this man, I don't see any good coming from this.

 

I would always reply to someone even if it hurts. How do we get anywhere if we just constantly ignore eachtother and every uncomfotable situation?

 

It's not that I don't agree with no contact when someone breaks up with you and you need to do it to heal. But, why is everyone on here so hard core NC for EVRYTHING? Life is hard, relationships of all kinds are difficult and can be painful. You broke up with him and he made a lot of mistakes. I can understand how it feels to be him though. I think he at leasts deserves a message back, even if it is not what he wants to hear. If what you want is not to reconcile or to have regular contact with him, then tell him instead of completely ignoring him. I think everyone deserves at least that.

 

You are telling me that at no point will you ever refuse to respond to someone, no matter the history between you or the content of their message? Have you ever heard the expression "don't feed the trolls"? It is very significant because it implies that there are some situations where getting a response is EXACTLY the goal of the individual commenting, and by ignoring them you are denying them the satisfaction of it getting to you.

 

In terms of relationships, when you break up it means it has reached the point where the two of you (in most cases) are no longer able to reconcile and compromise, and so there is some issues between you that cannot be resolved by further contact. In that case, a response can be even worse than no response because it feeds the cycle of pain and hurt.

Edited by Cogee
  • Like 2
robaday Established Member

robaday

Posted
Posted

If youve told him you want NC and hes still contacting you, dont reply. Was gonna say if you havent told him, maybe to tell him that, but looks like you already have and he is out of line. Id ignore

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