where to start Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 can i ask how long it took before you were interested in spending any time with your WS after you found out about the affair? was it a while before you could even stand to be in the same room & see his face? i'm asking because today when i came in from work my husband tried to get me to go to dinner with him. without even a thought i shot him a look like you must be out of your mind and walked away. i'm sure there was a better way to handle that, but it was an honest reaction. i guess i'm trying to decide if that response is any indication as to whether to stay or go.
HampdenMom Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 I have no desire to ever be in the same room with him, ever. There have been so many times that I've wanted to go out, just to grab a bite to eat, just to get out from these 4 walls. But, the last thing I want is to sit across a table from him and even attempt to make conversation. Then again, he does not know that I know about the affair.
CarrieT Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 i guess i'm trying to decide if that response is any indication as to whether to stay or go. Are you trying to decide if you want to stay in the marriage or move on, or stay home or go out to dinner? Your question is misleading in what you are asking. Sounds like you have already checked out of the marriage based on what you wrote...
BetrayedH Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 Everyone handles it differently. Some betrayed spouses kick them out immediately and never look back. Some see a brokenness in their wayward spouse that they want to fix. Some desperately want to reclaim their spouse and have sex like rabbits (a phenomenon known as hysterical bonding). You are somewhere inbetween. I wouldn't say your approach today has any bearing on your long-term intentions. You need time to process. Some can do that with the wayward in the same house; some need space. I think that's a question you should consider. 2
Darren Steez Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 Are you trying to decide if you want to stay in the marriage or move on, or stay home or go out to dinner? Your question is misleading in what you are asking. Sounds like you have already checked out of the marriage based on what you wrote... I just think she's pissed. Last thing you want to do is go to a crowded place and feign nice when you're trying to deal with all the garbage that's happened. OP don't do anything you're not comfortable with doing. If you want to R or are thinking about it then heal at your own pace. 1
ComingInHot Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 Communication happens in a-lot of different forms. Unless you Verbally Tell him how you are feeling, your H may read into a look or "vibe" as you don't want to reconcile. You may have Not decided this yet though & the action could lead to yet another road block. Maybe w/your looks add the verbal communication as well?.?. Example; (Dirty look) then, "I'm just Not ready to go on a date w/you, but keep asking as I haven't decided what I want to do yet". If it's the truth, say it. It will remind him of your hurt and pain But if he is wanting to R, it may give him hope and desire to continue his part of R by showing you He is Not giving up yet either. You may need to see this continuous action of invitation before you are ready to accept he is sincere in wanting to R. Plus it is in your Right to take the time you Need to figure out what You want to do as far as R. Thing is, especially if you share children, communication will need to happen at some point whether you R or D. I think you are doing great so far even being in the same room w/him right now though* 2
sunshine63 Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 My husband had a two year affair with another woman while we were married. He never used protection when they had sex, and I believe he loved her. My reaction was just like yours when I found out and he tried to "make nice." I never went to dinner, I never had sex with him again and initiated divorce proceedings as soon as possible. One of the other posters is correct when they state we all respond differently. Some women try to fix things and make it work, others try to "reclaim" them through sex. I knew personally it I couldn't live with him anymore. This is just a side note on my part. I read where women write, "Oh he never loved the other women, it was just for sex, on and on." Well, I believe that is possible if they only hooked up once or twice, or if the spouse has several one night stands. When a man has been involved with another woman for YEARS outside the marriage as mine was, there is a heck of a lot more going on there than "just sex." My ex tried to convince me it was "just sex," and she meant nothing. Bull-crap - another reason I left. I think your reaction is perfectly normal. 2
krazikat Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 can i ask how long it took before you were interested in spending any time with your WS after you found out about the affair? was it a while before you could even stand to be in the same room & see his face? i'm asking because today when i came in from work my husband tried to get me to go to dinner with him. without even a thought i shot him a look like you must be out of your mind and walked away. i'm sure there was a better way to handle that, but it was an honest reaction. i guess i'm trying to decide if that response is any indication as to whether to stay or go. For me, I felt safer from my own anger for my wh and I to go to a sports bar to discuss the a. I didnt want to flip at home with kids present, and knew I would check myself if people were around. This helped us be able to talk better imo, and i learned yes, he did love ow, yes, he considered her a very good friend over anything else, and more. Sounds horrible, right? But I also learned that I could try R with him, that he would go nc, that he felt horrible, etc. etc. that he never loved her over me, never planned on leaving, and had actually already ended the r with her... I think talking is important. In a safe environment. This will help bs determine next steps. But everyone has a different timeframe. You are pissed, hurt, confused, sad, just a ball of negative emotions. It feels like drowning. It is true pain. Everyone has different ways to deal.
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