curlygirl40 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Hi all! I've been on 5 dates with a guy I met on Match. I'm just not feeling what I think I 'should' be feeling by now and I'm not sure why. I have been hurt recently and I'm wondering if it's him or if it's me. He's doing all the 'right' things. He's texting me daily, calling me once or twice a week, asking me out on weekly dates. Has mentioned things we could do in the short term future. He's initiating about 90% of the texts and calls and 100% of the get togethers. Most nights when he doesn't have his kids (he has a 50/50 split so he has them a lot) we are texting back and forth the whole night. I really like him. He's fun, funny, happy, accomplished, good work ethic. Lots of chemistry and a great kisser!! But I'm so guarded. I'm just not feeling what I think I should be feeling at this point. I would think one month and 5 dates in that I would be excited, hopeful, wondering where it's going to go, thinking of things we could do together, looking forward to seeing him next. But right now, at this moment, I feel like if he stopped contacting me all together that I would just move along. And to me that doesn't seem normal. We haven't been intimate yet, it's probably going to be soon but I feel like I need to get through this first. I'm so afraid of being hurt again and I know that is no way to live and to try to build a relationship. I'm not sure if that's why I feel this way. There are some red flags about him not being ready for any sort of relationship so I can't decide if I'm just broken and not capable of being excited about anyone again or if I just have my guard up because I know that he and I are in different places so I will not allow myself to get excited. Does anyone have any experience with this? Is this me and my baggage or is he just not the right guy for me?
Star Gazer Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 But right now, at this moment, I feel like if he stopped contacting me all together that I would just move along. And to me that doesn't seem normal. We haven't been intimate yet, it's probably going to be soon but I feel like I need to get through this first. I'm so afraid of being hurt again and I know that is no way to live and to try to build a relationship. I'm not sure if that's why I feel this way. There are some red flags about him not being ready for any sort of relationship so I can't decide if I'm just broken and not capable of being excited about anyone again or if I just have my guard up because I know that he and I are in different places so I will not allow myself to get excited. Does anyone have any experience with this? Is this me and my baggage or is he just not the right guy for me? Your lack of excitement doesn't sound like being guarded; it sounds like JNTIH, IMO. I think it's good though that you're recognizing that you're in different places in terms of what you're looking for. That said, why are you bothering if that's the case? Me thinks that's why you're not excited - not because your guard is up, but because there's really no potential there for what you really want.
Author curlygirl40 Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 Me thinks that's why you're not excited - not because your guard is up, but because there's really no potential there for what you really want. This is what I'm starting to think too. I go out on soooo many first on line dates and I connect with so few of them so I think I was just happy to finally meet someone who I connect with and have a good time with and I'm just kinda going along for the ride even though I think that ride is going down a dead end. He's so much of what I want but the timing just isn't right I don't think. I probably should just let it go. That actually makes me feel better than the 'broken' feeling I was having as I was driving home after our date last night. I really do want to be dating someone that eventually will turn into a relationship. I don't think this guy is it. Thanks!! 1
SJC2008 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 You sound guarded/jaded so it's understandable. Seems like a confusing situation. I'm assuming yall haven't selpt together since you didn't mention it and if that's the case is why I'm confused. Yall have dated for just over a month and he says he's not looking for a relationship but he hasn't tried to sleep with you?? 1
Author curlygirl40 Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 We haven't had the 'talk' yet about what we are looking for and we haven't been intimate. But in getting to know him I know he has his kids a lot, and they are young. He runs his own business and he's crazy busy with that. He has only been divorced 6 months although he was separated for about 2.5 years before the divorce. With the business and all the divorce was long and messy, they have lived separately for some time. So we haven't talked about what we are looking for out of this but just knowing what I know, I will guess that he's just looking for someone to go out and have a good time with when he doesn't have his kids. Our texts have been getting a little racy lately so I know the sex thing is coming. I just have to decide if I'm going to let it go there or not. And it's funny you say that about the sex because I was thinking the same thing recently. I would guess if he was only looking for sex he wouldn't have hung around this long without pushing for it, but I really don't know. He's a great guy and a gentleman, he seems to be really enjoying what we have, but like Star says I think I know what I want and the potential to get what I want from this situation is low so maybe it's not that I'm jaded I'm just not willing to put my eggs in his basket. And yes I'm a little confused too and sometimes I wonder if I'm reading him wrong. He has never told me that he doesn't want a relationship, I'm assuming it knowing what I know about his life and since he hasn't actually asked me what I want. IME all of the 'relationship minded' men I have dated have almost come out of the gate asking me what I'm looking for and this guy hasn't so I'm going by that as well. We'll see. I should let it go but I think I may see it through for a little bit longer. He sent me a very sweet text last night once he got home that said his mind was 'stuck on me'. Maybe I'm reading him wrong. But usually my spidey senses are pretty good
zebracolors Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 Don't discount things just yet, else you may regret it later (like me maybe). I think listen to your instincts and just let yourself enjoy it for whatever it is. Hope it works out for you. 1
Archgirl Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 I think maybe the key here is about "what you think you should be feeling" It's only a month, you have past experience and so know emotionally that things don't always work out. So you are naturally more cautious and slower to warm up and no longer get giddy this is the one crazy like a 16 year old. Welcome to adulthood. The excitement will happen after you actually build some foundation of fun an trust and emotionally intimacy. Not likely after a month between two well adjusted non-needy adults. Take things as they come. Don't sabotage yourself with expectations.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 You sound guarded from a previous experience and that's causing some apprehension and there seems to be an emotional disconnect because of it...I think you're just putting the cart before the horse. However if you're like most women...and if I'm gauging where you're coming from correctly..you're looking for trust to be established and a sense of security/comfort and once you're intimate w him you'll start being more emotional about this and "see where it goes", making assumptions about certain things, not being able to detect certain flags because you're kind of conflicted and confused by your own emotions...and then you just make that slow transition into auto_pilot mode now that you're continuing along w the course of this relationship out of sheer curiosity and "chance" but then stepping away if you continue to feel that disconnect. It depends on the woman if she just tries to make it work anyway or walks away or just drags is out...and especially how this man affect you, which may increase geatly after being intimate as typical w many women...however that might be short lived and after that time you'll be able to make a more objective decision....which basically means youre nt "feeling it". It seems like you need a break though to get yourself straightened out to be honest. Otherwise you'll likely just attribute all of this "confusion" to timing. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 Curly, I think you are just guarded. I have felt like that with every guy I dated last year. It's hard to get truly excited when you remember all the other times when they let you down. At this point, I almost wish someone would come along that breaks my heart, just so I could feel *something* again. I have been feeling way too flat lately.... 1
Author curlygirl40 Posted March 29, 2013 Author Posted March 29, 2013 You sound guarded from a previous experience and that's causing some apprehension and there seems to be an emotional disconnect because of it...I think you're just putting the cart before the horse. It seems like you need a break though to get yourself straightened out to be honest. Otherwise you'll likely just attribute all of this "confusion" to timing. Thank you all for your input. I'm just trying to let this sit and marinate in my mind so I can figure out where to go from here. Straighten myself out as you say. I'm very aware of my feelings, almost too aware in a 'overthinking' kind of way. Some of this I think is me just evolving and not hoping for too much and knowing that when you put expectations on other people it tends to hurt you in the end. It's early, one month. It's too soon really for me to be so worried. It's just, like Ninja says, I know that once we start having sex (if it comes to that) that darned oxytocin is going to have me not thinking so clearly. These beginning dates are really both of us just getting to know each other and I need to see it for that and not worry so much. It's something I struggle with all the time. I'm well on my journey after my divorce (2.5 years ago officially) and I feel like I'm ready for something real. So I think my eyes are more open to the 'unavailables' than they were before. And also, like I mentioned earlier, I do wonder how much of me not being excited has to do with the fact that my gut is telling me that he can't offer me what I'm looking for. It's pretty simple when you look at it in that way. Thanks again! You guys rock
outsidethebox Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 If you don't feel lightheaded when with him I think you should be non-commital and date others until you meet the one.
Recommended Posts