1st post-Did I ruin my happily every after or is he full of it?

[TaylorBe]

Hi all,

 

I'm new to LoveShack so bare with me

 

’m 25 and have never dated before because I have always been career focused and never met anyone worth being distracted by. Back in November I met a great guy. We were a team essentially. I supported/ encouraged him to be a better person and he did the same thing for me.

 

One day we were having a conversation about how good things were going and how he appreciated me for pushing him/ helping him accomplish his goals. He began to tell me about his 4 point plain he had before his ex and how I had help him get back on track without even know about it. So I said jokingly “Since I’m so great when are we going to be in a relationship”. He responded “ I can’t for another 2-3yrs I need time to accomplish my 4 Point Plan and relationships distract me from being productive. ” So I told him “ Why are we even dating then, how about you hit me up in 2-3 yrs and if you’re lucky we can try again”. I initiated NC right away because I was currently in the process of consoling two friends that were heartbroken because they invested over 18months in men who did the same thing and still weren’t ready to transition into a relationship.

 

After about 5 days of NC he realized how much he missed/needed me in his life. He asked if we can meet up. I could tell when I seen him this phase was rough for him. He told me he didn’t want to lose me but he can’t be in a relationship until he at least finishes his Masters. He told me that when we started dating he was looking for a FWB situation but he met me a “ring girl” & he forgot about wanting to be single… he just wanted to be with me but he felt himself getting less productive and that reminded him that he needed to be single.

 

He asked if we could at least be friends & continue to build a strong foundation for the future. I agreed and we became friends but we fell back into our old habits & I told him this wouldn’t work out because it gave me hope for something he wasn’t in a place to give me. So he suggested we date other people to so our friendship would work.

 

I flipped out !...The main reason we moved into the friends zone was because he has goals he need to focus on accomplishing before we can be in a relationship. If his goals are so important why is he risking them by dating other women (because women make him unproductive) but he won’t risk them by being in a relationship with me?.

 

So after another week of no contact I thought I was readyso I messaged him. We agree to go to lunch and everything was going really well until he got comfortable and decided to tell me he had a one night stand the night before. He told me it meant nothing he got drunk & got laid cause he was horney & since we weren’t sexually active ( no relationship…no sex) he didn’t think it would bother me. Well it did and that was my breaking point. I immediately went to girls and they suggested moving on or stay & eventually get my heartbroken. It’s been over two weeks of no contact now and although he has contacted me I haven’t responded. All I do is journal & cry and the feelings are not going away at all. I am starting to wonder If I was being to pushy…After all we have only know each other for 4 months...

 

1. Is 4 months too require we began transitioning into a relationship?

 

2. Did I let my friend’s situations influence me too much? At the end of the Day he has been consistent on one thing. He wants to be with me but he wants to build a friendship and accomplish his goals first so we can have a healthy relationship…Or is he really full of **** & just trying to keep me around as a optioon?

 

3. Should I use NC as a way to get over him completely or until my emotions have settled enough for him to be apart of my life. Does he deserve to be apart of my life?

 

Thanks in advance for your advise

Edited March 28, 2013 by TaylorBe

[ForeverHopeful1]

You're right. This guy is an insensitive and ignorant douche bag. Keep your NC. Promise its the best thing for you! If he cared at all, he wouldn't have told you who be banged, nor would he be banging girls, getting **** faced and having intercourse with women he doesn't want to be distracted by. He is full of **** and full of himself. He is just dragging your heart through the mud and being completely disrespectful. He deserves NO part of your life.

[Grumpybutfun]

If you were encouraging intitially of his goals, and he thanked you for that, then I am unsure of how you are a distraction. Sounds lame and I agree that it sounds as though you are an option. No matter who the man, and please trust me on this, if he wants a woman bad enough, he will do whatever it takes to have her and pursue his goals. By coming back to him you have alerted him that he gets his cake and he gets to eat other cake and you will be okay with it as long as he uses the excuse of his career and education. The angst involved only uses your ego against you so you will be more pliable to his needs and desires...all in the name of his life, of course and his goals. You are a young woman, but even young women shouldn't suffer fools with patience.

Grumps

[TaylorBe]

If you were encouraging intitially of his goals, and he thanked you for that, then I am unsure of how you are a distraction. Sounds lame and I agree that it sounds as though you are an option. No matter who the man, and please trust me on this, if he wants a woman bad enough, he will do whatever it takes to have her and pursue his goals. By coming back to him you have alerted him that he gets his cake and he gets to eat other cake and you will be okay with it as long as he uses the excuse of his career and education. The angst involved only uses your ego against you so you will be more pliable to his needs and desires...all in the name of his life, of course and his goals. You are a young woman, but even young women shouldn't suffer fools with patience.

Grumps

Exactly I think it’s more to it but he doesn’t want to tell me in fear of loosing me permanently. That or he is trying to sow his wild oats before he settles down and want to make sure ill be there when he’s ready. That’s very typically of successful black men…they like to eat their cake (the sluty girls) and have it too (the ring girls). Problem is most successful black women are so afraid of being alone (statistics don’t help) they stand by these men and hope it pays off. I’m not going to lie it does pay off most of the time but I just seen it fail for two people so I’m not willing to risk it