screwedovertwenty Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Since not long after dday, he told me that he wanted to tell me for a long time. That the guilt was eating him alive. He told me recently that during the month prior to me finding out, he wanted to find a way for me to find out on my own. He wanted to get caught. Is that normal??? 1
NotCamelot Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 That may or may not be normal, but it is certainly the way I felt back then. I was "afraid" to confess. I thought if my W was to find out, then everything could be fixed. Somehow, some stupid way of thinking, I thought that would be better.
waterwoman Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Yep, H said something similar. Par for the course though - he has always relied on me to sort things out for him
BetrayedH Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 When I confronted my wife, she said she was glad I finally knew. I do believe that some people are horribly conflicted and guilty about their actions and just can't find the courage to confess; they stay with their AP almost by default. For what it's worth, this is certainly not the first time I've heard of someone wishing they would get caught. In some cases, they've even been bold in hopes of being caught. Strange phenomenon. I suppose it has to do with preferring to face their partner's anger rather than their own remorse. 2
krazikat Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Since not long after dday, he told me that he wanted to tell me for a long time. That the guilt was eating him alive. He told me recently that during the month prior to me finding out, he wanted to find a way for me to find out on my own. He wanted to get caught. Is that normal??? My wh said he was relieved to be caught. He started the A during a time when we were having problems and thought I was going to leave him, and once he realized we were making it out of the problems and things were good between us, he was in too deep and did not know how to stop, so he compartmentalized and tried to justify his A. He was drinking heavily and was also doing drugs I had no idea about...ya, I was working way too much. I knew his drinking was a big problem, but didnt know why it had gotten so bad. He was drowning in guilt. Since dday he has stopped all, and I believe he is truely remorseful for everything that happened. I can see the change in him...it is like a heavy weight has been lifted. 3
Spotme Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 My H was sort of in this position in that he simply did not have the courage to out himself. He was being urged by the OW to see a therapist and figure out how to tell me he was leaving me. H did not want to leave me and was sure I would throw him out once I knew. So he saw a counselor a few times, told the OW it wasn't working out with that person and then delayed finding a new one. He said he just felt completely stuck and unable to take any action without hurting everyone and making himself more miserable than he already was (going against his own standards was wreaking emotional and physical havoc on him). I asked what his plan was if I hadn't caught him. His "plan," in his own words, was to continue spiraling downward until it all blew up somehow. 1
Author screwedovertwenty Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 That may or may not be normal, but it is certainly the way I felt back then. I was "afraid" to confess. I thought if my W was to find out, then everything could be fixed. Somehow, some stupid way of thinking, I thought that would be better. You know, I think that may be how my WS thought. He told me that he wanted to tell me for months, and thought about it on his way home often. I guess he could never find the courage. I am having a hard time understanding why he kept lying to me that first week. First they were just friends, blah blah, then after five days he finally admitted there was sex. It seems to me that if he had been thinking about confessing for so long, that he would have just came clean when I figured it out!
Author screwedovertwenty Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 Yep, H said something similar. Par for the course though - he has always relied on me to sort things out for him From reading your posts, your husband sounds a lot like mine. This is where a lot of my doubt sets in. I know that he would be lost without me. Does my WS really love me or does he just love the things that I do for him?? My husband doesn't even know how to use a computer!
NotCamelot Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 You know, I don't recall ever lying to my W about anything..my EA was long distance. And, when she found out, I told everything I could think of on that day. And, when she asked things in the following days, I answered completely. So I really don't understand why someone trickles the truth. My W did it to me when I found out what she was doing.....why???
Decorative Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Since not long after dday, he told me that he wanted to tell me for a long time. That the guilt was eating him alive. He told me recently that during the month prior to me finding out, he wanted to find a way for me to find out on my own. He wanted to get caught. Is that normal??? Yes. For some. My spouse had set up a plane ticket scenario for a trip that I would have realized, six weeks out from DDay. I just caught him early. I would have been face to face with her six weeks later, at an airport.
leonine Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Yes. For some. My spouse had set up a plane ticket scenario for a trip that I would have realized, six weeks out from DDay. I just caught him early. I would have been face to face with her six weeks later, at an airport. This blows my mind. Did he really think that would be a better scenario than just sitting you down and telling the truth?
Decorative Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 This blows my mind. Did he really think that would be a better scenario than just sitting you down and telling the truth? Yes. But then again- at one point during the crazy that followed- he blamed the paint color of the kitchen as one of the reasons he cheated. Not kidding. Waywards say and do whackadoodle things. There's one website that keeps track of them in a running thread. Never let an active wayward tell you they are acting rationally. LOL 2
Author screwedovertwenty Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 My H was sort of in this position in that he simply did not have the courage to out himself. He was being urged by the OW to see a therapist and figure out how to tell me he was leaving me. H did not want to leave me and was sure I would throw him out once I knew. So he saw a counselor a few times, told the OW it wasn't working out with that person and then delayed finding a new one. He said he just felt completely stuck and unable to take any action without hurting everyone and making himself more miserable than he already was (going against his own standards was wreaking emotional and physical havoc on him). I asked what his plan was if I hadn't caught him. His "plan," in his own words, was to continue spiraling downward until it all blew up somehow. That is basically what my husband said, but not those exact words. He said the last month was torturous and he couldn't take it much longer.
Author screwedovertwenty Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 Yes. For some. My spouse had set up a plane ticket scenario for a trip that I would have realized, six weeks out from DDay. I just caught him early. I would have been face to face with her six weeks later, at an airport. Wow! That almost makes me glad that my husband is so terrible at planning anything. He never would have thought of something so elaborate! I don't think he would have even come up with something simple.
Author screwedovertwenty Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 Yes. But then again- at one point during the crazy that followed- he blamed the paint color of the kitchen as one of the reasons he cheated. Not kidding. Waywards say and do whackadoodle things. There's one website that keeps track of them in a running thread. Never let an active wayward tell you they are acting rationally. LOL Haha! I remember you saying that. I still need to repaint the living room. I think about that orange now! 1
Mr. Lucky Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Since not long after dday, he told me that he wanted to tell me for a long time. That the guilt was eating him alive. He told me recently that during the month prior to me finding out, he wanted to find a way for me to find out on my own. He wanted to get caught. Is that normal??? And did he tell you or did you find out on your own ??? Because if the latter is true, that statement may fall into the trickle truth category regarding motivation. I'll bet that if you had access to real time communication (conversations, emails, texts, etc.) between him and his AP, he wouldn't come across quite as conflicted as he now tries to present himself. I'm just saying... Mr. Lucky 1
krazikat Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 And did he tell you or did you find out on your own ??? Because if the latter is true, that statement may fall into the trickle truth category regarding motivation. I'll bet that if you had access to real time communication (conversations, emails, texts, etc.) between him and his AP, he wouldn't come across quite as conflicted as he now tries to present himself. I'm just saying... Mr. Lucky I actually had access to messages between my wh and tow. Well, I discovered the affair when I heard his secret phone buzzing away in the closet. I was like wtf and found that sucker and quietly took it outside to the patio...he was sleeping. I had an ugly phone confrontation with tow. Then I saw the messages...he had broke up with her and there were angry words between them. If I had not seen that, I am not sure I would still be with him. The text messages contradicted things she had told me, and confirmed what he told me. I am actually at a point now where i feel bad for her, despite all the ugly things she said to me. It is an overall sad scenario.
Author screwedovertwenty Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 And did he tell you or did you find out on your own ??? Because if the latter is true, that statement may fall into the trickle truth category regarding motivation. I'll bet that if you had access to real time communication (conversations, emails, texts, etc.) between him and his AP, he wouldn't come across quite as conflicted as he now tries to present himself. I'm just saying... Mr. Lucky I found out and it took him five days to tell me that there was sex. It wasn't until I told him I had copies of the text messages being sent to me from the phone company. I lied. He has been very consistant with this since the beginning. I believe him. That is one thing that I am not questioning. He was truly relieved when I finally found out the whole truth. I could see it. WS is a recovering alcoholic. If it hadn't been for me and the police, he probably would have drank himself to death years ago. I think the affair was like the drinking. It was an addiction and he didn't know how to stop. I also believe that he did not have feelings for her. I believe it was all about sex and that was the plan that they both had in the beginning. One of the texts that I got from the OW said that "we never meant for it to go this far. It got out of hand." That makes me believe that. I believe that it's over and she meant nothing to him. I believe that he is sorry. I believe almost everything, except that he truly loves me and not just this life with the kids and the dogs and the house. Because of everything that I went through with his drinking, years ago, and all the lies he told then, I want to kick myself for believing. When I believe what he says, some voice in the back of my head says "You are a dumbass!"
road Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Normal is a not a good word in this case. Because normal would imply that most want to get caught. A better would be many want to get caught so they can end their affair.
Jonah Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 Romantic! Getting caught has got to be easier than fessing up. It takes real courage to fess up. And love. Sound like you bagged yourself a good man. Congratulations to both of you.
waterwoman Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 From reading your posts, your husband sounds a lot like mine. This is where a lot of my doubt sets in. I know that he would be lost without me. Does my WS really love me or does he just love the things that I do for him?? My husband doesn't even know how to use a computer! Yes. H was given an iPad for work recently and that is the first time he has willingly used any form of computer without swearing! And yes I sometimes worry that he needs me rather than loves me. I am a doer. He is an avoider. I have spent so many years doing what he avoided that he has never needed to DO anything. I have been exhausted and resentful. He has been feeling unnecessary and emasculated. We are working on it!
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