otherwom Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Hello everyone!!! First of all i would like to apologize for my English there aren't so good. I'll do my best, so you could understand me. I'm a 28 years old girl. The conclusion of my life is that i don't have self-confidence and that i punish myself everyday, cause i can't understand why else i put me in all this situation. Ten years ago, i met a man. I met a man that owned a bar. He is 6 years older than me. I didn't know that he even existed till then. He was to my eyes the most beautiful person on earth. I didn't know anything about him. After some months i learned that he was in a relationship with a girl for 10 years and they were planing to get married. I felt in love with him from the first time i think. Four years passed and we hadn't done anything, i was just talking to him, searching him, wanting to be with him, but still nothing. At that time he got engaged and after that married. I was even invited to his wedding by his wife but i guess that's the payment you pay when you are from small towns. At that period i was told by him that he couldn't postpone for one more time the wedding (he had done it 3 times in the past) and that he had to get married cause of all the years he was with her. Still we hadn't any relationship at that period. When the marriage happened (i didn't go of course) i decided not to visit my small town for a long time so i could continue mt life without him and all the feelings i had for him. Eventually after months i went again. The beginning of my pain.. Yes, that's the title i would give now. I saw him again. Of course nothing of my feelings had changed. I was a 22 years old girl, virgin, and in love with a married man. And at that time he heated on me and i couldn't believe it. I have been thinking that all these years i had understand something wrong and everything was in my head only, and then he comes to me and wants me. I didn't care about anything. I thought i was the happiest person on earth. He was my first. Our relationship was weird.. In the beginning when i was in town everything were great he was searching me everywhere but when i was leaving he didn't do anything.. I couldn't understand why i asked no answer from his side.. I 'm now thinking he was afraid of me ruining his life cause after that things changed. He felt safe with me and opened himself. Many things were told from both of us the most important of all or at least the one i still remember strongly is that he told me to find a husband and he would stay with his wife but we could be together in a secret relationship because he couldn't stand of loosing me. My answer was no. I want (ed) him so badly i couldn't stand the thought of sharing him always. I told him that all people aren't the same and not all can do what he can. We continued together. His eyes were on fire when he saw me. Mine also. Paranoid. That is what i was and still am. Two years passed like that until one summer, i found out that his wife was pregnant. I found it out from others and not from him. I was trying to talk to him but as you can understand in summers people are out all the time and it was difficult to find a place to see each other. I was waiting for a reaction. I expected from him to tell me that. I didn't know what to guess. Would he want to continue with me? Would he want to end it? After summer i left.. He didn't search me. I couldn't control the new facts..Didn't want to accept them.. That was the first time i died for him.. 9 months passed with silence. I remember my self trying to stand up from the bed. Depression. I went again to the small town. And then one night as i was drinking in his store with a friend he grapped me and kiss me. We made love that night. I asked him why. Why he didn't tell me anything. Why he was gone. His answer was that he didn't have the courage to do it and that he was afraid of my reactions, that i would leave him, that i wouldn't want him anymore. After that night i left him. I don't know what happened then but i left. Four more years passed without him in my life. I was ''free'' of him. Not from my thoughts though. I met other men. I had a few relationships. Was i happy? I don't know. I was free of my guilts thats the only thing i know for sure. I managed to sleep at nights normally. But still everyday i was wispering his name. Every single day. Even when i was alone, even when i was with someone. He was after me all these years. Whenever he had the chance he was coming to me. Phones, mails, chats, i remember i 've lost a bet we had put years ago and he used it so he could see me. He told me he losted me. I answered that he didn't loose me he just didn't have me the way he had. I couldn't understand why!!!! Why he did all that??? Because i left him??? Because he was in love?? Couldn't he find someone else to play? Why me? Many times i have thought that when he started with me i was just another adventure but in the way he felt for me. I can't explain all this cheacsng. Then i wake up and try to face the facts. I tried to stay calm. Fighting with myself everyday not to go back. And i did it for 4 hole years. How i was feeling is another story. Now. The passed few months we are ''together'' again. Why? Can't answer that. He managed to turn me back? Or was i always there? When we started again to see each other he was socked. He couldn't believe i was back to him. He often tells me to continue with my life. That he has a home to go and two beautiful children but he can't stand of loosing me again. I don't know what to do. My first thought is to live it till the end so i won't have feelings for him some day and i won't return again after a few years. My second thought is that i don't deserve all that. I am know learning the person. I tell him everything i think and feel. Things i was afraid to say before. I can see he is different. I don't know how different he can be. I don't want to feel like that anymore. I just want to be with him. We are able to exist in total silence. The past three weeks we exist together for many hours and i get to know him after all these years. What should i do? I 'm thinking that i have to disappear forever in order nothing to happen again. I just want to be with him. Only that. And i can see that he wants also. I just don't know how much he wants it. In conclusion, i'm not a person that like affairs, nore a person that like to destroy lives, till now only mine i have destroyed. Neither a person that likes to hide. I 'm just a person in love. My psychologist says that i have to let myself free from the guilds and then decide. I don't want not to be able to breath again. I want to be free. I wish my mind had a delete button. P.S 1 As weird as it might seem i just want him to be happy. And he isn't. Or at least that's what i've been told and what i see. A chance, that's what i want. I'm different know also. How can i say all the things i want? How can i get them? When i leave he comes to find me. All the time. He is searching me all the time. I know i can live without him,i don't want to i feel empty. We only exist once. What should i do??? P.S 2 I don't think that my story is the one that will make it eventually. I was thinking that 10 years ago. I know i'm blind in many things. I just can't find the way to the light alone. Everything i've tried had the same conclusion. I want to be free and happy. I don't want to grow up alone nore to get married. I just want to wake up and have a person next to me that loves me back. That's all i want. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I want to choose to be happy. Not having guilts about ruining his life. What about mine? I want to froze myself and feel nothing. One good friend told me that he punishes me emotionally. That it would be easier if he beatted me cause i could see the scarves on my body but now with my soul it isn't so easy to understand them. I don't know. I'm in love. All my body wants him. I 'm thinking of him as a tired man that needs to be saved. I want to take all his pain away. I want to make him happy. I've asked him for a day. I want a day with him. He wants it too. Or at least that is what he said. Will i have it? Don't know. I have to disappear or reset my memory. I don't know how to deal with all that. I've lost my sleep, i've lost myself, my hair are white. I'm afraid all the time about someone finding out about us and how that will effect his life. I don't want to feel like that anymore. P.S 3 The last thing he told me is that i do good to him when i'm there. A woke up crying that day cause i was thinking of it. I'm jealous of every person is around him and he has understand that and he uses it. I'm thinking of speaking to him straight and tell everything i have in mind. Will he stand them??? Will that make me free?????? Thanks you all for reading this and sorry again for any mistakes you may found.
2sunny Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 It's not YOUR job to make him happy! It's your job to make yourself happy! If being connected to a MM isn't making you happy or proud of yourself - stop seeing/communicating with him - forever! 3
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 Your situation is very sad - This man whom you've fallen for and are in love with is using you and has treated you so badly. You have wasted your precious heart and love on someone who is going to be a father, who is someone's husband.. Please end it and stay away from him. He is no good! He is going on with his life and you're not. He has a child on the way and just wants you on the side for an affair. You deserve SO MUCH more than that, but you'll never get it from him. You probably want children of your own, a husband and a life built with love and happiness..THIS is why you have to end it with him and stay away, never speak to him again. You can't have him in your life, he's holding you back. Please consider counseling if you can't handle or manage this on your own, so you can get strong and end it once and for all. 1
Mrs.Dee Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 I feeel so sorry for you ... I believe he really has fallen for you and you really make him feel alive, yet ... he will never ever love you like you deserve to be loved and he will never ever leave his family for you. sometimes in life we get caught up in paths that will leave us no good in the end.. and this is, for both him and you , such a path.
Author otherwom Posted March 29, 2013 Author Posted March 29, 2013 First of all thank you all for answering me As i said my English arent very good so i would like to say he has already two children he isn't expecting one now.. I have seen him moving with his life in all levels and yet i can't leave.. What's wrong with me?? I must hate myself so bad in order to continue all that.. I can't explain it else.. Why do i stay and wait for the few things he is giving me?? The one thing i know is that he is a man with several faces one day he is in to me the other day is in to his familly i know i have to save myself how is what i don't know i ve been consuling the past months i have done it before also without success if you see these results.. i really want to choose to be happy i don't want all this pain in my life how to convince myself not to feel like that is what i dont know... i have to let him out of my mind... how do we do that??? thank you again all...
Author otherwom Posted March 29, 2013 Author Posted March 29, 2013 Thank you i wish i can find the strength also cause i think i m gonna get crazy every time i see him or am with him i'm so calm.. i have never been so calm in my life but when we separate i'm broken.. the last months we managed to have some hours together as normal people that could drink a cup of coffee or just sit and read a newspaper and now these hours will be gone unfortunately and i can't stop crying about that.. i miss him even when i'm with him.. i feel a hole inside me.. i don't know if i have given everything as you said please explain me where am i little??? what do i do wrong and i don't have a chance to all that cause i can't understand... i try but i can't.. yes i'm the solution to my problem but i don't know how to go on without even thinking of him.. i ve tried all these years everything my friends told me to the conclusion was the same... i don't know if the rest of the people are happy but i want to be and if i leave i don't want him to come once every two months and try to get me back...
Capris Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 i don't know if i have given everything as you said Oh yes, you have given him everything. If you re-read what you have written and try and see it the way we do, you will understand. All the pain you've been through and still are, all the years you've given to this man. Years that will not come back. Years that you should have been focusing on you and YOUR life. You dedicated all these years for a guy that has his own life and gives you little, for his own gain. You are asking where you are little? You are "little" towards YOU. Respect yourself. Love yourself. I assume you are asking for practical steps most of us in here have already taken in order to get away from "our " MM. Most of us apply, the NC technique. That means "No Contact". In order to get him out of your mind, it makes it easier o get him out of your life. No texting, no talking, no communicating whatsoever. I'd love to hear some more tips on how to leave an affair, cause your story is indeed sad. Take care and re-read what you have wrote, it always helps. You know what to do, you know what is right for you. Focus and do it. 1
Author otherwom Posted March 29, 2013 Author Posted March 29, 2013 thank you all for one more time yes you are correct i know what to do the confusing part is that i don't know if i want to do it i feel separated in two parts.. the one tells me to stay and the other to run far away.. and all day these two parts are fighting.. yes i have a small self-confidence that's the only way i can explain all this mess i cause to myself.. it isn't easy for know not to see him or speak to him cause we exist in the same place.. I have a plan on my head of leaving this place by the end of summer for many reasons and for him also.. i wont lie to you, there are hours that i m still trying to find ways to see him and hours that i don't even think of it.. but the thing that worries me is that when i think of trying this thing all over again only the thought makes me unhappy makes me pain makes me want to cry.. And i wonder if i was ok with this thought shouldn't i be also happy??? Since yesterday i ve read many times my post and your answers also and i try to figure it out it makes me sad reading all over again what i've put myself into for 10 years.. but i do it.. i know i can't solve all that in one night it needs time i just wish that i 'll be able to not have feelings for him before i leave this town cause else i'll have the thought i run away from all that for just one more time.. I want to be able to go out and flert with other men and not be unhappy for not be able to see him or wondering what he does at that time.. same case i don't know i wish that no one else has been in this situation cause it's painful .. i feel it like a curse or like a cancer that its me every day.. i feel like i m addicted to him.. mind is a strong tool but mine plays me very hard!!! thanks again
Author otherwom Posted March 30, 2013 Author Posted March 30, 2013 Few more details I m a painter and i m running an exhibition the past month.. that's the reason i see him many hours cause i had to do it there and now this is ending and i know it will stop all that and it kills me cause i wont be able to see him so much or talk to him or just be with him for a few hours i really can't stop crying despite all i've said all these days i know that he'll do nothing and he'll just come after days to say something like ''i haven't seen you in days come to talk to me, let's see each other now'' How the hell does he expect to see me if he doesn't try to???? i can't be everywhere or guess when he will be in to me but still it hearts when a wake up every morning and not have a message from him yes i ve lost the benefit of sleep.. Every night i wait one friend told me to love myself i know that i don't love me enough but after 28 years with me i only know one way to love me how can i found other ways to do that??
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