all_cats_rgray Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Sometimes I step back from MY grief. And try to think about the Dumper, if, the Dumper does not feel enough to be with me. I cannot change their feelings. I do not own a person. I cannot control how someone feels.
Amelie1980 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 True but the way some dumpers behave makes them deserve no sympathy. I also hate this try before you buy culture ....try out as many partners as I can and discard for no reason. married....hell with it, we have an out now. people don't try anymore in relationships. They dont always make you happy, love ebbss and flows, you have ups and downs and people just walk away instead if trying. 4
Author all_cats_rgray Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 But, if they did love you they would try. Yes their is a flow to love. But if their is not enough of it, on their side, they should walk away.
Amelie1980 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 But, if they did love you they would try. Yes their is a flow to love. But if their is not enough of it, on their side, they should walk away. It can come back though....especially in longer term relationships.
Author all_cats_rgray Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 (edited) can, then, when they are in the relationship it will go away. Because it's just not strong enough. I fight with this idea everyday. But unrequited love, is the name of the game. Edited March 28, 2013 by all_cats_rgray
Amelie1980 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 can, then, when they are in the relationship it will go away. Because it's just not strong enough. I fight with this idea everyday. But unrequited love, is the name of the game. How common was divorce 50 years ago? You married someone you were in it for the long haul. People were also less wealthy, not as many people had cars, holidays, etc. We live in a society now where even people on welfare benefits (in my country) can afford mobile phones, tablet computers, everyone on my street has at least two cars, two holidays a year. people travel the globe like its their back yard. but the divorce rate is nearly 50%. Why the hell is is so difficult to choose to love someone in the long term and stay with them. we've never been richer but we're fickle and discard people as Uf they are garbage.
Amelie1980 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Checking the UK stats.... there were 22,500 divorces in 1958 and 153,000 in 2004. We gave ourselves an out. people are so.picky these days. people break up for no reason at all.
KatZee Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 It's too easy these days to "find something better." That's the thing. Online dating. Facebook. Emails. Cell phones. It's easier these days to have an affair now more than ever. One of my mother's friends was married for 12+ years. Her husband joined Facebook, found his old high school sweetheart, and BAM. He asked for a divorce. Left his wife, his daughter, took all the money and just left her with nothing. It's a joke. If you're unhappy? Who cares! Go to your computer and type a few words in and you're bombarded with cheating websites, online dating websites. How easy is it to pretend to be someone else? Have a little bit on the side? Technology is a blessing and the biggest curse on mankind. 1
Amelie1980 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 It's too easy these days to "find something better." That's the thing. Online dating. Facebook. Emails. Cell phones. It's easier these days to have an affair now more than ever. One of my mother's friends was married for 12+ years. Her husband joined Facebook, found his old high school sweetheart, and BAM. He asked for a divorce. Left his wife, his daughter, took all the money and just left her with nothing. It's a joke. If you're unhappy? Who cares! Go to your computer and type a few words in and you're bombarded with cheating websites, online dating websites. How easy is it to pretend to be someone else? Have a little bit on the side? Technology is a blessing and the biggest curse on mankind. Yes....if you're unhappy, don't reach.out, don't try and fix it, don't try and be kind to the people who have been there for you and love you just upgrade.
Author all_cats_rgray Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 It's too easy these days to "find something better." That's the thing. Online dating. Facebook. Emails. Cell phones. It's easier these days to have an affair now more than ever. One of my mother's friends was married for 12+ years. Her husband joined Facebook, found his old high school sweetheart, and BAM. He asked for a divorce. Left his wife, his daughter, took all the money and just left her with nothing. It's a joke. If you're unhappy? Who cares! Go to your computer and type a few words in and you're bombarded with cheating websites, online dating websites. How easy is it to pretend to be someone else? Have a little bit on the side? Technology is a blessing and the biggest curse on mankind. But what if the EX believes they can do better. Why would you want to be with someone one that doesn't love you. The point is mute. In the end they are not "in love" don't have enough love. ext ext,
iouaname Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Nope. It's all about me. I don't consider how the dumper feels at this point. 1
KatZee Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 But what if the EX believes they can do better. Why would you want to be with someone one that doesn't love you. The point is mute. In the end they are not "in love" don't have enough love. ext ext, GIGS... too common. Everyone thinks they can do better. EVERYONE. No one these days is satisfied with anything they have. They always look over their shoulder at what someone else has, and they think what someone else has is better than what they have. Just look around. Everyone needs the next "best" phone, the new bigger, clearer TV, people stand in line for hours or even days on end getting the newest gadget. There is ALWAYS going to be something better. Someone better. Someone prettier, smarter, richer, cooler, more athletic, funnier, wittier. I don't think people these days have ANY CLUE what true love actually is. How it takes work. How you don't just dump something because it's not as shiny as it once was. In the past you'd take a rag, and polish it until it shone once again. Now? In the garbage it goes. It's worthless. Throw it out. This includes people. People ALWAYS think they've found the next best thing. And guess what? Over time, that new best thing becomes something old and rusty again. And then they're confused why they can't seem to find "that one" and why everything always turns to s.hit. No effort. Put zero effort into anything and it'll always wind up looking like crap. 5
Author all_cats_rgray Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 GIGS... too common. Everyone thinks they can do better. EVERYONE. No one these days is satisfied with anything they have. They always look over their shoulder at what someone else has, and they think what someone else has is better than what they have. Just look around. Everyone needs the next "best" phone, the new bigger, clearer TV, people stand in line for hours or even days on end getting the newest gadget. There is ALWAYS going to be something better. Someone better. Someone prettier, smarter, richer, cooler, more athletic, funnier, wittier. I don't think people these days have ANY CLUE what true love actually is. How it takes work. How you don't just dump something because it's not as shiny as it once was. In the past you'd take a rag, and polish it until it shone once again. Now? In the garbage it goes. It's worthless. Throw it out. This includes people. People ALWAYS think they've found the next best thing. And guess what? Over time, that new best thing becomes something old and rusty again. And then they're confused why they can't seem to find "that one" and why everything always turns to s.hit. No effort. Put zero effort into anything and it'll always wind up looking like crap. Oh i believe you. And i understand all this. BUT. Your EX does not see it this way, and trying to explain this to a EX makes you look crazy. Why does telling your ex these aspects not work. Because you should not have to tell your loves ones you are worthy of hard work and communication. Pointing your finger at the ex and saying try, and work harder does not work. In their head they have reasoned out. That you are not the one. Ext, ext. 1
KatZee Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Oh i believe you. And i understand all this. BUT. Your EX does not see it this way, and trying to explain this to a EX makes you look crazy. Why does telling your ex these aspects not work. Because you should not have to tell your loves ones you are worthy of hard work and communication. Pointing your finger at the ex and saying try, and work harder does not work. In their head they have reasoned out. That you are not the one. Ext, ext. Maybe I missed it but I don't see where anyone said you should go telling your ex what I've wrote above. If they don't see it that way, they don't. Not your problem anymore. They will learn in due time that real life isn't perfect and real relationships take work. All I'm explaining above is how people these days act. Someone who's constantly on the search for bigger and better is NEVER going to be happy. Period. They have unrealistic expectations and these people wind up single and lonely and then they wonder why. 3
Amelie1980 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 GIGS... too common. Everyone thinks they can do better. EVERYONE. No one these days is satisfied with anything they have. They always look over their shoulder at what someone else has, and they think what someone else has is better than what they have. Just look around. Everyone needs the next "best" phone, the new bigger, clearer TV, people stand in line for hours or even days on end getting the newest gadget. There is ALWAYS going to be something better. Someone better. Someone prettier, smarter, richer, cooler, more athletic, funnier, wittier. I don't think people these days have ANY CLUE what true love actually is. How it takes work. How you don't just dump something because it's not as shiny as it once was. In the past you'd take a rag, and polish it until it shone once again. Now? In the garbage it goes. It's worthless. Throw it out. This includes people. People ALWAYS think they've found the next best thing. And guess what? Over time, that new best thing becomes something old and rusty again. And then they're confused why they can't seem to find "that one" and why everything always turns to s.hit. No effort. Put zero effort into anything and it'll always wind up looking like crap. This is so true. Case in point...my next door neighbor is a doctor. He moved.in 12 years ago when he was 29. Nice gf.... she moved in with him and within months he dumped her. told her just to go. he stayed away while she moved her stuff out and she looked very upset. He has relationship after relationship after this....nothing lasts and I don't know who dumps who in each scenario. As he ages and gets towards 40 his waist expands and hish airline receeds. He looks a hell of a lot less attractive. His last two gfs were divorcees with children from other marriages....but even these don't last. word from the neighbours who know him better say that he is hard to please....and picky. Now he'sapproaching 42 living in a huge family.house alone. he's pretty lonely from what I can gather. he isrevealed that his gf at 30 didn't like the area and wanted to move. it is isolated and cut off...he liked it and wouldn't leave so he told her just to go. well now he's alone at 42 in his big family house. be too picky..that's how you end up. People don't realise that a partner becomes family. would you want to trade your parents or your siblings or your children? There is immense comfort in familiarity. family don't always make you happy but you still live them. Its always got to be more more more and new new new. ffs if you are and love someone, you get on, they make you laugh and are kind....what dies it matter. try and make it work. 1
KatZee Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Yep. My ex told me so many times. - He loved me more than he ever loved anyone. - I was the only one who was so close to him in his life. (He's extremely closed off and introverted and doesn't let people see the real him. He opened up to me.) - I was the closest person to him since his mom. (She passed away and he lost his best friend.) He was attracted to me, we had so much fun together... But at the end of the day he made too many mistakes. Made the wrong decision time and time again. He ruined us with cheating, with his lies. He thought he could lie to cover up his lies. It all just snowballed. Instead of ever working at a relationship, he made even worse decisions. Failed to make other decisions and in the end due to all of his crappy behavior and how he treated me, he thought it was easier to just dump me than actually fix the issues and problems. In the end though, he did me a HUGE favor. He's not someone I want to be with at all. Too immature, too irresponsible, too self-absorbed, too selfish, too much of a liar, too much of a cheater, and too cowardly to be anything I would ever marry. But just an example of how people take the easy way out instead of actually trying to man up and fix something. After dumping me, since he was too insecure to ever be alone, he got a new girlfriend. That "relationship" or whatever it was didn't even last one month. He's going to have a rude awakening, if he hasn't received it already, that good things, and great women are not a dime a dozen. We don't roll around every single day. I'm fairly certain he's still single at this point, or he still hasn't met anyone that's comparable to me. I hope he felt, or feels that guilt when he lays his head down at night. Instead of working your a.ss off to keep something so great, you just let it go. That sort of thing winds up haunting people forever.
Author all_cats_rgray Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 Maybe I missed it but I don't see where anyone said you should go telling your ex what I've wrote above. If they don't see it that way, they don't. Not your problem anymore. They will learn in due time that real life isn't perfect and real relationships take work. All I'm explaining above is how people these days act. Someone who's constantly on the search for bigger and better is NEVER going to be happy. Period. They have unrealistic expectations and these people wind up single and lonely and then they wonder why. Personally I'm not sure they ever learn this in due time. I think they rationalize it away. And can't mental think they have made a mistake. I also think that people have a mental list of things that they want in a mate. Even if you love someone: They stick to the list. Think of something on your list, would you like to settle...
Amelie1980 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 The most ridiculous thing about my BU is there was.no reason at all. we had grown apart as he had.been ill and not spending time with me ... all we needed was some time to gown.back together. He wouldn't even try to fix it....he dealt with it by going.on a break and then he said we're even.more distant now its over. I told.him do you think you solve a problem.of growing apart by spending more time apart and he said no.....!!!!! Idiot. He did leave his journal out (journal....is he a teenage girl) and I glanced at it. he was writing about his ideal woman....well from what he wanted in there if thats what he's after he ought to have started looking for it when he was 21 not 37. Women he described will not want a 37 yo mummys boy who finds it impossible to detach himself from his family. He didn't have anything in there about personality it was all shallow stuff...well good luck with it. I gave him unlimited space, never demanded he spend time with me, understood he wsss v close to.his family and friends, I was kind to his family and friends. I supported him, made him happy, made him laugh, took him so many new placed he's never been. At the nd of the relationship he threw in my face that our music tastes didn't match among other silly things..... He has.no clue about relationships and based compatibility on interests and knowing me based on petty interests too. he lost his marbles when I couldn't name a favourite film...who can.
Amelie1980 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Personally I'm not sure they ever learn this in due time. I think they rationalize it away. And can't mental think they have made a mistake. I also think that people have a mental list of things that they want in a mate. Even if you love someone: They stick to the list. Think of something on your list, would you like to settle... Call me old fashioned but I don't have a list. In a relationship I expect to be loved, cared for appreciated, respected, accepted for who I am and trusted. I want someone I feel happy with. That's it. 1
Amelie1980 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Who is worse? Him being what you described above or the fact that you were with him, upset he broke up and still wish you were with him? Why aren't you happy that it's over? Because its just the hurt talking now thats it over. None of it mattered to.me when we were together. I had no idea he was secretly losing his marbles over my music and film tastes. that is something you choose friends based in as children. He is in his family's pocket...but then I'm close to mine si it didn't bother me. but I can't imagine many women would accept a man of 37 who can't see his gf at the weekend because he's hanging out with his pArents.....again. or being a taxi driver for his sister again. I just did my own thing but I imagine most women of this age taking that as normal and accepting it.
Author all_cats_rgray Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 but the only logic i can think of when it comes to their odd behavior is the lost of feelings. I know people are stating that it's because they buy into this idea that they can do better, ext, ext. But this is the logic behind the situation. BUT these are matter's of the HEART. Their is no logic behind why a man will stay with a abusive woman ( they love them) Their is no logic behind a man leaving a long-term relationship because this have become stale ( they don't have enough love) Maturity and Logic are Great BUT I just want to state that the heart can move mountains.
Amelie1980 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 but the only logic i can think of when it comes to their odd behavior is the lost of feelings. I know people are stating that it's because they buy into this idea that they can do better, ext, ext. But this is the logic behind the situation. BUT these are matter's of the HEART. Their is no logic behind why a man will stay with a abusive woman ( they love them) Their is no logic behind a man leaving a long-term relationship because this have become stale ( they don't have enough love) Maturity and Logic are Great BUT I just want to state that the heart can move mountains. My ex said as we split up that he heart said yes it wanted to be with me and love me but his head said no. Why didn't the feelings from his heart move mountains and be enough then to want to try.
Kobe2345 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 My ex told me her love for me was infinite... She knew i loved her unconditionally... She broke it off with me and dated someone else within a week or so.... she wasn't even willing to give me a chance to patch things up and fight for our relationship... what does that tell me? Someone new and exciting came into the equation and the old rusty boyfriend needs to be kicked to the curb...
Love4Pain Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Right now I kind of think, my ex has the type of relationship he deserves. He left me for another girl who was local to him, they have been together since the end of December and from what I gather they don't have much of a relationship... So the guy that told me I was the only person he wanted to be with, and told me he loved me all the time, would rather be with a girl that lives closer to him even though they have a shell of a relationship, well then....that's what he deserves and hopefully one day I'll find a guy who doesn't say those things and then up and throws it all away.
Author all_cats_rgray Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 Right now I kind of think, my ex has the type of relationship he deserves. He left me for another girl who was local to him, they have been together since the end of December and from what I gather they don't have much of a relationship... So the guy that told me I was the only person he wanted to be with, and told me he loved me all the time, would rather be with a girl that lives closer to him even though they have a shell of a relationship, well then....that's what he deserves and hopefully one day I'll find a guy who doesn't say those things and then up and throws it all away. Iv been trying to look at the words of my ex as verbal vomit. Rather then look at their words, I'v started to look at their actions, AND I realize all the red flags I missed. LOOK AT THE BAD STUFF. AND KEEP YOUR SANITY. You have created a mythical figure in your head. Saying "I love you" is easy. Acting on the words is hard. 1
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