waterwoman Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Please, come and make me feel better. I really should stop reading LS. I've trawled through these boards and have yet to find more than a handful of WH who gave up OW and are now happily reconciled, the affair nothing more than an image in the rear view mirror and some mixed memories. So many WH seem ambivalent after reconciliation, or downright unhappy and angry. I know my H isn't here. I know he says the right things and yes, we doing OK but I still have my moments of doubt. Anyone?
NotCamelot Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Even though I've been on both sides........ I was happy that my W caught me and I ended the EA I was in. I saw something in my W that I had been looking for......for a long time. I saw love and caring that I had not seen, and, in reality, led to me the A I was in. I am totally committed to her because I choose to be.....and I could have walked away then - she made it easy, but I did not. Of course, there was her A last year, but I know that was caused by the hurt of what I had done. But now, almost a year past that, we are happy. I do feel some hurt at times. I think she probably does too, but never mentions it anymore. I know that we are done with all that. And, I can tell you from my point of view, that after seeing how badly I hurt her, I had to stay and be what she wanted in a husband.....becuase for it to hurt that badly, she really did love me and care.....or it would not have mattered. Now, some guys may end the A and stay for other reasons. But mine was because I saw the return of what I thought I had lost. 1
anne1707 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 A former WW here if that counts We are very much happily reconciled. He is just sitting opposite me at the moment and he is frowning whilst he concentrates on some work he is doing. He looks so cute It takes time Waterwoman but if you are both prepared to do the hard work, it can be done. No ambivalence. No doubts. 2
Author waterwoman Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 Thanks anne and NC It is reassuring. Problem is LS is so full of OW who are convinced their MM's marriages are sham and even if they reconcile with their BWs it isn't real. And of the few MM who come here most seem unsure of what they want. It's hard to keep perspective. xx 2
anne1707 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 And of the few MM who come here most seem unsure of what they want. It's hard to keep perspective. I think many of us come here because of being unsure of something. I know I did. But it does not have to stay that way. I think the problem is that not many WS stay around LS for you to hear their thoughts further into reconciliation. It is hard at times because we often get grief from some of the more "extreme" posters from both the AP side and the BS side.
Author waterwoman Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 Thank you all x I'm in tears now I am feeling very weak and wobbly atm as I've got a horrible cold and ear infection and trying to be brave and not dependent on H to prove I'm over it all. Ha! <hollow laugh> So hard to be always sure of yourself. 4
Bittersweetie Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Hi waterwoman, I was a WS and my H are reconciled. It's been about 3.5 years since d-day. I read a lot here too and can see how you would feel the way you do. I think some WS/MM who post here tend to be either still in the A or fairly recent after d-day, when feelings are still extreme. I know in my case at d-day even though I hadn't seen or talked to xOM in months I was still confused and upset. Or they have left to direct their energies toward their spouse. Now I am very happy with my H and thankful every day that he gave me another chance and that I worked on myself and our relationship. We are doing great, maybe just really tired taking care of our little boy. Though he did sleep 9.5 hours last night!!! 2
Summer Breeze Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Thank you all x I'm in tears now I am feeling very weak and wobbly atm as I've got a horrible cold and ear infection and trying to be brave and not dependent on H to prove I'm over it all. Ha! <hollow laugh> So hard to be always sure of yourself. Oh WW I hate hearing that you're having a bad day. We all get wobbly. I ended up keeping a distance here for a while because I was getting so unsure of myself and our R too. I'd read away and be happy with what I was seeing. Then all of a sudden I was reading things that ridiculously seemed designed to hurt me. Everything I was positive about and working for fell to pieces around me. I had to distance myself for a while and it did do a lot of good. Remember that people are writing about their circumstances and not yours. You've come so far WW and you need to remember this is a blip in the road. You're feeling vulnerable and weak, we all do at times. I don't understand why you don't want your H to know you've having a tough time WW. Lean on him. You deserve that from him and it's his job to comfort you now. Hugs 3
Got it Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Waterwoman, I am sorry you aren't feeling healthy, happy, and confident. I think LS is a little harder all around. You know there are other boards, geared towards infidelity, that may give you a better/bigger audience to give you this support. I am not saying leaving here but just adding it to your toolbox. No matter what, how others have done doesn't mean how you guys are. You are in your life, you see his actions every day, does he make you feel safe, happy, and secure? Just take it each day at a time. Sorry hon, I hope you are having a better day now. (((((((ww)))))))) 2
cocorico Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Please, come and make me feel better. I really should stop reading LS. I've trawled through these boards and have yet to find more than a handful of WH who gave up OW and are now happily reconciled, the affair nothing more than an image in the rear view mirror and some mixed memories. So many WH seem ambivalent after reconciliation, or downright unhappy and angry. I know my H isn't here. I know he says the right things and yes, we doing OK but I still have my moments of doubt. Anyone? IRL, I know a couple. There are a couple on here too. But they're not you. You're you, and as helpful or useless as their stories might be to you, ultimately only you and your H can make your M work. I don't know your H, and I don't know you beyond what you post here, but if I had to put money on who i thought had a shot of making it work, it would be you. Everything you have posted suggests someone who is keen to understand, slow to exercise prejudice and focused on distil long the positive, constructive potential out of whatever you face. I'd hire you in a heartbeat because I think whatever you do has a really strong change of succeeding. And that includes your R - assuming your H is doing his bit. Being sick and feeling down happens, and I'm sorry you're facing that too. Don't read here if you are vulnerable because sometimes the anger, hurt and bitterness can pierce even the most resolute assurance. Let your H feed you chicken soup and read you poems in front of a comforting fire. He's supposed to be earning his way back, let him start by taking proper care of you when you need it. Hope you feel better soon. 1
thomasb Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 WW, Very happily recovered here. I am sorry you are ill. I treasure each and every anniversary I share with my wife. It has been more than a decade since my affair. Getting up on two. It really is only a blip on the radar now, "wife's words for it". We have shared so many life experiences since that it pales. Our children's teen years (WE SURVIVED!), marriages, the death of our oldest son. My wife's breast cancer and the surgeries pertaining to that. Our home burning to the ground. So many things that are major stressors. And we survived it all hand in hand and heart to heart. The sweetness and passion of what we share was tarnished for awhile. But the tears and words were the polish that made us whole. You will fight the good battle and come out peaceful on the other side. I just know it! 7
eleanorrigby Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Reunited and it feels so good..... (and my story is worse then what I've shared on this board) It can happen, even with both partners trying to kill the relationship for a while. But if you both decide you want it, you have a good shot. 2
Poppy fields Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 I was the OW, and I know that my MM and his BW successfully reconciled. They have been married for over 20 years since the affair and had 3 more children. They are grandparents and from what I have heard are very happy. I know to him I am probably nothing more than a bad mistake now. That is hard for me to say, but after all the years I believe it to be true. 3
ComingInHot Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 WATERWOMAN, Are we talking "happily Reconciled"? OR, "Reconciled Happily"? I don't think I've heard or read of anyone happily reconciling... It's not a "follow the yellow brick road" vision of singing & skipping happily til you've reached the finish line, ya know*? It is an awful journey sometimes taking years. It is the stripping of every defensive fabric and offensive strategy to relive then re-make the relationship you hope to have w/your WS who betrayed you in the WORST most DEMEANING way possible. BUT... the end result to R, is a stronger, healthier, Happier M w/your spouse.** It is Not for the meek or weak. Reconciliation is for strong persons like You WaterWoman. As far as does he regret, or think back "fondly", As hard as it is to even say this let alone Practice this, , look at it like this... Who in high Hepher cares? Where is he Now? Is he "happy" Now? Is he with You in the M Now? Water, go. Be sick. Your H is there for you today, bringing You tissues, soup and love. When you're feeling better, don't just say thank you, Show Him!! 4
leonine Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 I think there are a lot of fly-bys of this forum. People come along and vent their pain (BS) and ambivalence (WS) and then move on with their lives. There have been a lot of stories on here where I've wondered what became of them after the initial flurry in the first few months after d-day, but they've disappeared back into the ether. I wouldn't take the population of this forum as being necessarily representative of all people in this situation, and even then, everyone's story is unique. Like others have said, WW, from what I've read, it sounds like you guys are doing as well as can be expected. Keep the faith, and make your H bring you some OJ. :-) Hope you're feeling better soon. Earaches are the worst.
Author waterwoman Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 Thankyou all xx You have helped a lot. Got home from work, emotions in rags, feeling like death warmed up, h came out to meet me, took me inside, made me a cuppa, and sent me up to bed. Then carried in the shopping, put it away, fed female child, littlest male child and visiting friends. Then came and cuddled me and we chatted. Then I had a bath and a glass of red. Going to sleep now xx 6
Author waterwoman Posted March 30, 2013 Author Posted March 30, 2013 A lot better today, not feeling so dizzy and weak. Thanks for the hard-working x It is telling how few men in the position I referred to posted though (thanks Thomas and Camelot) but I guess I can see why- H would rather chop his hand off than pour his heart out here 2
jnel921 Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 My H wanted me, mot the OW. it's been almost 6 months since D-Day. We are doing the work to fix our marriage. I have my moments too, and it's tough. But with strength, faith and hope that we can build our love again I continue. My H loves me, he is over the OW, he is here with me. That is how you should think. Feel better. 3
Athens Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 For us- the chance to say "I pick you again" was very powerful. We both had reason to walk away but decided we were worth it. Yes, there was lots of pain and we are still working through it-but as he says "there is nothing like being with the wrong woman to show you how much you love the right woman". I would not want to go through Dday again, but I have to say some of things we have learned through this are important and make us stronger as a couple. We are still healing-but we are healing together and we love each other more than ever. 3
Spark1111 Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 A lot better today, not feeling so dizzy and weak. Thanks for the hard-working x It is telling how few men in the position I referred to posted though (thanks Thomas and Camelot) but I guess I can see why- H would rather chop his hand off than pour his heart out here p Forums like this are mostly for women like us. We out talk men by an average of 7,000 words a day. We live and die by our emotions and can talk ad nauseum about our relationships. we are women and we are suppose to do that. We are keeper of the clan and it is part of our biological nature to seek warmth and comfort and to intuitively read the emotional temperatures in a room, or a cave, and keep all calm. We also live longer. ALWAYS judge a man by his actions. he makes a decision, sets a goal and acts towards attaining it. Talk? meh, not so much. it's frustrating for us as the female species. We thrive on emotional conversation. Men thrive on professing their love (maybe not enough for our tastes) providing for their clan, and protecting it. That is how men show love. And sex, lots of sex. it is the male expression of love. Judge that. 3
Spark1111 Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I havent been to Marriage Builders in a long time, but there were a lot more FWS of the male persuasion there than here. Blondie they probably find it more welcoming, more accepting there. LS is a public forum without a stringent agenda, except support, opinion, and advice. it can be brutal here at times, but I believe it is a jury of your peers, and often brutal in it's honesty. many WS do not last that long here, like in the real world, if you were sitting with your best friends and family. You are going to hear it, all of it, ready or not. Same for BS and OW/OM. Not too much pussy footing or Molly coddling here. you will hear the court of public opinion. Kinda why I liked it from the get go.
analystfromhell Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I'm one (although that relationship is now just history). Just because a wayward spouse comes back doesn't mean they won't stray again or that the relationship was broken by the affair and not a myriad of other circumstances. I would have gladly stayed if the rest of the marriage would have been sound- instead it dragged on (and I was in it and committed) for another decade before finally crashing on the rocks. As it happens I'm not sure the relationship which came after might not fall again for similar reasons. It hasn't from my vantage point, come back at all or advanced from where it was at the time of the EA (not mine) but again, that's indicative of how "we" get along- the EA was just a dramatic flair up of the infection which marriage counselling and time have yet to resolve. When affairs pop up it seems so driven by incompatibility or circumstance. Circumstance can be fixed, it seems. Incompatibility less so. 1
Author waterwoman Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 When affairs pop up it seems so driven by incompatibility or circumstance. Circumstance can be fixed, it seems. Incompatibility less so. Can't argue with that. Can I just clarify please You reconciled but then seperated 10 yrs later?
Decorative Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 . I just wish some BS would help me. NONE HAVE We are all here for help and helping each other as people in pain ultimately??? Help you with what? have you actually asked a question that requires an answer? Most of your responses appeared to be digs at betrayed spouses? Have you asked a question you need help with? If you have, and we missed it, please repeat it so we can answer you. 4
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