Vegas Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 This girl I have been seeing for a little over a year now has some really bad insecurity issues and low self esteem. She's incredibly attractive and very talented but she won't accept that she is. Over the course of the year we've been dating, her insecurities have gotten worse. She's such a sweetheart but after a short while of being happy and joking and laughing I'll always get a text at the end of the night that says "Why do you love me so much?" or "I'm just waiting for you to realize you should be with someone else". It doesn't matter what I say to her or do for her, she never seems to get the idea she is what I want. I try not to let her insecurities and low self esteem bring me down but it can really be a drag when she gets in these moods sometimes. Why does she keep saying these things? She really is a great girl and we get along just fine but any of the arguments we have are usually because she tortures me with the idea that I should be with someone else or "I'm wasting my time". What have you guys done to work this out?
WhatYouWantToHear Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Leave, she's damaged. And there's no fixing people. This sounds like its tiring for you already, and its only going to get worse if you stick with her. Worse than that, it will soon will turn to jealousy and possessiveness. Bad things are on the horizon for you. 1
Tk123 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Leave, she's damaged. And there's no fixing people. This sounds like its tiring for you already, and its only going to get worse if you stick with her. Worse than that, it will soon will turn to jealousy and possessiveness. Bad things are on the horizon for you. I'm afraid I'm going to have to agree here. Her depression and insecurities are just making you miserable. You deserve better than that and although you may have strong feelings for her, I think it's time you moved on with your life and found someone who appreciates you more.
Amelie1980 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Why don't you tell her how draining her.moods are. Tell her that you love her and are with her voluntarily but she risks driving you away Uf she doesn't stop this.
lovelyde Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 She's telling you to leave because you don't cheer her up. You, for some reason, don't feel natural compassion for her. She needs someone who'll complete her. However. you're not that person. Just tell her "I hope you can find another guy who'll sweep you off your feet. Unfortunately, I'm not able to do that as I'm not right for you. Unfortunately, only your soulmate can sweep you off your feet." And leave it at that. -
Keenly Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Or you can tell her to grow up and stop with the "woah is me" drama 2
Amelie1980 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Or you can tell her to grow up and stop with the "woah is me" drama That's the best suggestion I've heard. If you still love her I'll tell her straight up to stop it.
lovelyde Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Just let her be herself. Why force anything on people? Tell her the truth that you don't fulfill her needs, that she needs to find her soulmate. -
Object_a Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 This is nothing to do with 'soulmates'. Take it from my personal experience of being with a woman like this: self esteem issues are basically a huge black hole that no amount of reassurance and love will ever fill. I'm not saying that means you can't be with this person but you have to be willing to accept her this way because it's unlikely that she'll change in the short or mid-term future, if ever, and only then if she grows more confident with age or gets a decent therapist (these are quite rare, I'd add). If you do want to stay with her you will need a degree of patience, compassion and understanding that is quite rare. Not to mention that such a relationship clearly isn't suitable for everyone. If that sounds like asking a lot (and it is, I know) then it's probably best to move on and let someone else take her on. 1
lovelyde Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 This is nothing to do with 'soulmates'. Take it from my personal experience of being with a woman like this: self esteem issues are basically a huge black hole that no amount of reassurance and love will ever fill. I'm not saying that means you can't be with this person but you have to be willing to accept her this way because it's unlikely that she'll change in the short or mid-term future, if ever, and only then if she grows more confident with age or gets a decent therapist (these are quite rare, I'd add). If you do want to stay with her you will need a degree of patience, compassion and understanding that is quite rare. Not to mention that such a relationship clearly isn't suitable for everyone. If that sounds like asking a lot (and it is, I know) then it's probably best to move on and let someone else take her on. Everything has to do with soulmates, because if you are not with your soulmate, your life ends up being imbalanced because the compatible sex factor has been thrown off track. It's like puzzle pieces that don't exactly fit each other. A soulmate is someone who is 100% compatible with you. 100% sexual compatibility is what you need in order to be truly balanced in life. True love is unconditional. There is a "puzzle piece" a soulmate that fits you (another "puzzle piece") 100% that corrupt people don't want you to know about. Corrupt people don't want you to believe that soulmates exist, instead they use "false dating" and religion to distract people from finding their soulmates in life. They want you to play their "money and goods" game and partner up with people who only love you conditionally. -
Object_a Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 We're going to have to agree to disagree on this. I think the idea of soulmates is naive, sets up unrealistic expectations and makes people unnecessarily miserable. But I'm just some guy on the internet
Barnacle-Bob Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Everything has to do with soulmates, because if you are not with your soulmate, your life ends up being imbalanced because the compatible sex factor has been thrown off track. It's like puzzle pieces that don't exactly fit each other. A soulmate is someone who is 100% compatible with you. 100% sexual compatibility is what you need in order to be truly balanced in life. True love is unconditional. There is a "puzzle piece" a soulmate that fits you (another "puzzle piece") 100% that corrupt people don't want you to know about. Corrupt people don't want you to believe that soulmates exist, instead they use "false dating" and religion to distract people from finding their soulmates in life. They want you to play their "money and goods" game and partner up with people who only love you conditionally. - Mmmmmm....nope. This is about people who have low self-esteem, self-efficacy and the inability to make themselves happy. My STBXW...text book case. Gorgeous, gorgeous woman. Intelligent, funny, personable. Even after 3 kids, she's a knock-out. Whatever was happening between her ears though, it just was never going to let her be happy. So, she looked to me to make her happy. Guess what. If you can't make yourself happy, nobody else can make you happy either. She was just SO insecure about herself that she convinced herself and kept convincing herself that I was going to leave her. This idea consumed her, and led to countless accusations against me. She was miserable, and there was nothing I could do about it. The guy she's seeing now...its going to be even worse for him. Sad. She needs professional help. 1
KungFuJoe Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Avoid people with self esteem issues like the plague. I'd rather be with a former drug abuser or criminal record than self esteem issues.
runningfar Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 I don't bring it up often and I never suggest he would leave me but my boyfriend and I have umm a difference in opinion on my attractiveness. He sat me down and told me he hates seeing me berate myself and "forbade" it. So I avoided it for him. The funny thing is, doing that actually is helping me feel differently about myself. Action before words. You cannot fix how she feels about herself. But you can support her. That doesn't mean feeding in while she's saying it, but telling her to stop at a time her mood isn't down (be honest with your partner people!) and random compliments... I keep a journal now which I compliment so ething about me everyday and celebrate the day. Cheesy but it helps All this of course she has to want Self esteem bring low doesn't mean irreparable damage 1
lovelyde Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Mmmmmm....nope. This is about people who have low self-esteem, self-efficacy and the inability to make themselves happy. My STBXW...text book case. Gorgeous, gorgeous woman. Intelligent, funny, personable. Even after 3 kids, she's a knock-out. Whatever was happening between her ears though, it just was never going to let her be happy. So, she looked to me to make her happy. Guess what. If you can't make yourself happy, nobody else can make you happy either. She was just SO insecure about herself that she convinced herself and kept convincing herself that I was going to leave her. This idea consumed her, and led to countless accusations against me. She was miserable, and there was nothing I could do about it. The guy she's seeing now...its going to be even worse for him. Sad. She needs professional help. Her soulmate wouldn't make her feel insecure. If anything the soulmate knows exactly how to boost her ego. All the other guys just weren't good enough for her and didn't fill her emotional needs. -
Ruby Slippers Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 I was pretty insecure throughout my 20s and am still working on improving my self-esteem now, in my mid-30s, due to a rather dysfunctional upbringing. No one can help the family and circumstances that they're born into, and the things I went through were completely beyond my control. I think rating a person with self-esteem problems as worse than a reformed druggie or criminal is absurd and kind of offensive. I never went so far as questioning a man's feelings for me out loud to him - but those thoughts have circulated through my mind and certainly caused some static in the past. I think I'm pretty much over that now. She says these things because she's trying to work out the negative self-talk in her head. She really shouldn't be asking YOU for help with that, though. She needs to talk to a friend or counselor. But nobody's perfect. She might have much more work to do on herself before she can be happy in a relationship. But since you've already been with her a year and seem to really care about her, I'd try a few things before moving on: When she asks why you love her, just answer honestly. What she's seeking here is reassurance. "Because you're wonderful and I'm happy with you" is a good answer - or whatever is true for you. For whatever reason, she doesn't feel lovable, and it's hard for her to get her mind around why you think she is. Words are powerful, especially for women. You don't need to list 10 things or go over the top. Just tell her the truth. When she says you should be with someone else, reassure her that you want to be with her, and if you wanted to be with someone else, you would. Ask her, "Do you want me to be with someone else?" And tell her that you don't. And then back to number 1 - "You're wonderful and I love you." Nothing destroys fear and self-doubt like love. It's pretty much the only thing that can heal and soften a fear-gripped heart. 2
lovelyde Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 We're going to have to agree to disagree on this. I think the idea of soulmates is naive, sets up unrealistic expectations and makes people unnecessarily miserable. But I'm just some guy on the internet You're just some guy on the internet giving useless advice who didn't have the balls to approach the woman you have tingling awkward feelings for. When she comes your way, you look away hoping she doesn't think you're a stalker. You wanna get to know her, but *sigh* it's just too hard to approach her "without reason". Oh darn. -
Ruby Slippers Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Vegas, I just read your other thread about your relationship and am going to post a response there. In general, my advice in this thread still stands.
camillalev Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 I was pretty insecure throughout my 20s and am still working on improving my self-esteem now, in my mid-30s, due to a rather dysfunctional upbringing. No one can help the family and circumstances that they're born into, and the things I went through were completely beyond my control. I think rating a person with self-esteem problems as worse than a reformed druggie or criminal is absurd and kind of offensive. I never went so far as questioning a man's feelings for me out loud to him - but those thoughts have circulated through my mind and certainly caused some static in the past. I think I'm pretty much over that now. She says these things because she's trying to work out the negative self-talk in her head. She really shouldn't be asking YOU for help with that, though. She needs to talk to a friend or counselor. But nobody's perfect. She might have much more work to do on herself before she can be happy in a relationship. But since you've already been with her a year and seem to really care about her, I'd try a few things before moving on: When she asks why you love her, just answer honestly. What she's seeking here is reassurance. "Because you're wonderful and I'm happy with you" is a good answer - or whatever is true for you. For whatever reason, she doesn't feel lovable, and it's hard for her to get her mind around why you think she is. Words are powerful, especially for women. You don't need to list 10 things or go over the top. Just tell her the truth. When she says you should be with someone else, reassure her that you want to be with her, and if you wanted to be with someone else, you would. Ask her, "Do you want me to be with someone else?" And tell her that you don't. And then back to number 1 - "You're wonderful and I love you." Nothing destroys fear and self-doubt like love. It's pretty much the only thing that can heal and soften a fear-gripped heart. I agree with Ruby 100%.
Object_a Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 You're just some guy on the internet giving useless advice who didn't have the balls to approach the woman you have tingling awkward feelings for. When she comes your way, you look away hoping she doesn't think you're a stalker. You wanna get to know her, but *sigh* it's just too hard to approach her "without reason". Oh darn. - LMAO whatever man :laugh::laugh::laugh:
Eggplant Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 "Why do you love me so much?" or "I'm just waiting for you to realize you should be with someone else". She is speaking a self-fulfilling prophesy, poor woman! And this is a passive-agressive attempt to extract compliments and reassurance from you. I really think she would benefit from therapy. And let her know how much this affects the relationship. Also, reassure her.
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