Boyfriend is uncomfortable with my friendship with an old crush.

[Jellybean85]

Hey everyone. New user here, and I am hoping for a little advice.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year and living together for about 5 months. I've never loved someone the way I love him, and we really have a great relationship.

 

I have a friend who I had romantic feelings for back in college, about 4-5 years back. He never knew my feelings extended beyond friendship, and he didn't feel the same way I did. He is now married and has been for two years, and my feelings for him now are nothing but friendship - nothing romantic.

 

We see each other a few times a year at reunions and other get togethers, and text occasionally and talk on the phone about once a month.

 

So, here's my problem: my boyfriend knows about the feelings I once had for this guy, and he is uncomfortable with me seeing him. I explained that I no longer feel anything other than friendship, and that my feelings were unrequited, but my boyfriend still feels uneasy about my relationship with my friend. He didn't demand that I stop speaking to my friend, but I know it makes him uncomfortable.

 

I don't know what to do - I'm starting to feel bad because I don't want to upset my boyfriend, but there's nothing going on with my friend that is inappropriate. I don't want to lose the friendship but I hate the fact that my boyfriend is uneasy.

 

Is it acceptable to continue the friendship? How can I make my boyfriend feel better about it?

 

Thanks in advance

[ja123]

I think it is acceptable to continue the friendship. I don't know what you can do to make your boyfriend feel better about it though.

 

When did you tell him that you once had romantic feelings for this guy? Like, how long ago did your bf learn about this?

 

And why did you tell him about these feelings? What were the circumstances under which these were revealed?

 

Do you have other platonic make friends? Does your bf have platonic female friends?

[NervisPervis]

You do know that this man wants to have sex with you, right? Do the texts ever get even a LITTLE flirty? A LITTLE naughty? Does he ever initiate contact?

 

I would think this kind of a friendship would be unfulfilling for a girl. You are getting some kind of emotional need filled with a man but he just wants sex.

 

Your boyfriend is a man. The guy you are bff's with is a man. I know EXACTLY why he is uncomfortable. Are you leading this guy on? Do you already know he lusts for you and you get something out of THAT part of it?

 

You go on weekends away with this guy w/o your boyfriend? (You know, "reunions and other get togethers"). "Get togethers"? Please explain that one.

[petitprince]

The same happened to me. I love my boyfriend so much but this guy friend called me when I was with my BF. He got so upset. I explained, but he was just so upset.

 

I think it is ok to have a male friend and meet at reunions and communicate occassionally. But it is a guy you used to like. You love your boyfriend a lot, so if your boyfriend feels very uncomfortable and unhappy And if your BF is not doing the similar thing, you may want to just stop phone calls etc. (maybe keep it only to occasional texts?). I am not talking with the best guy friend because I do not want to make him unhappy. and I would not like it if he were talking with a girl he used to like on the phone etc.

[Jellybean85]

I think it is acceptable to continue the friendship. I don't know what you can do to make your boyfriend feel better about it though.

 

When did you tell him that you once had romantic feelings for this guy? Like, how long ago did your bf learn about this?

 

And why did you tell him about these feelings? What were the circumstances under which these were revealed?

 

Do you have other platonic make friends? Does your bf have platonic female friends?

 

 

Thanks for your thoughts! I actually didn't tell my boyfriend about my feelings I once had for my friend. I figured the feelings were one sided, and they're in the past so not something that I would have thought affected our current relationship, so I never mentioned it. He said he was talking to some of our friends (people I was in college with) and someone jokingly made a comment about my past feelings for my friend. My boyfriend asked me about it awhile later and I explained to him that I once had a crush, but it was a long time ago, and that I don't feel the same about this person now.

 

It has been about two months since we had the conversation about it. The friend is one of about 6-7 people I was really close with in college, and is one of a few males in that same group. We have all kept in touch over the years, and I don't see him outside of a group setting. We probably talk on the phone less than 10 times a year and see each other twice a year.

 

As for My bf's friends, he doesn't have any close platonic female friends.

[Jellybean85]

You do know that this man wants to have sex with you, right? Do the texts ever get even a LITTLE flirty? A LITTLE naughty? Does he ever initiate contact?

 

I would think this kind of a friendship would be unfulfilling for a girl. You are getting some kind of emotional need filled with a man but he just wants sex.

 

Your boyfriend is a man. The guy you are bff's with is a man. I know EXACTLY why he is uncomfortable. Are you leading this guy on? Do you already know he lusts for you and you get something out of THAT part of it?

 

You go on weekends away with this guy w/o your boyfriend? (You know, "reunions and other get togethers"). "Get togethers"? Please explain that one.

 

 

We don't go on any weekends away alone, that would be across the line IMO. My boyfriend has met my friend twice, both last year, briefly at a friend's wedding and a class reunion. His wife was also there both times, and I am friends with her as well. I would absolutely invite my boyfriend along to any event whether my friend was going to be there or not. Thanks for giving me an opportunity to clear those things up

 

I can't say I agree that he wants anything romantic with me. We were both single when I had a crush on him but he didn't feel the same way, and during that time he began dating the woman he is married to now. He's never given me any indication that he wanted something other than friendship, but I can see the friendship would be inappropriate if flirting/naughtiness was going on, but it isn't.

 

As for filling an emotional need, for me it's just staying in contact with one of my good friends in college. I still stay in contact with everyone from my close circle of friends I had throughout that time, and he is in that group of friends.

[Jellybean85]

The same happened to me. I love my boyfriend so much but this guy friend called me when I was with my BF. He got so upset. I explained, but he was just so upset.

 

I think it is ok to have a male friend and meet at reunions and communicate occassionally. But it is a guy you used to like. You love your boyfriend a lot, so if your boyfriend feels very uncomfortable and unhappy And if your BF is not doing the similar thing, you may want to just stop phone calls etc. (maybe keep it only to occasional texts?). I am not talking with the best guy friend because I do not want to make him unhappy. and I would not like it if he were talking with a girl he used to like on the phone etc.

 

I definitely hate that he's uncomfortable. My boyfriend is of course the most important person to me, but my friends are too. I wouldn't like to lose the friendship, especially since I enjoy seeing the entire group of friends and he has always been a good friend to me over the years. It's a tough situation...

[Jellybean85]

I think you should be allowed to keep a friendly relationship with this other guy, some texting and random phone calls should be ok as long as they are not flirty... but you should NOT go in 1 to 1 with him ever! If you want to meet your friend arrange a couples dinner where your boyfriend and his wife can come along...

Meeting this guy in 1 to 1 arrangements is extremely lack of respect to your boyfriend (moreover since he has already let you know he doesn't like it).

 

You should decide what is more important to you the relationship with your boyfriend or the friendship with this other guy and act in consequence..

 

I would like to add a said we have in Spain... there where there was fire you can still find ashes... I hope you can understand the figurative language...

 

 

 

I agree that one on one time is disrespectful, I wouldn't want to spend alone time with another male without my boyfriend there - but, I think it's okay if it's a group setting and my boyfriend is invited along.

 

I'm not sure about there being any ashes, or spark of any sort - mainly because I don't have romantic feelings toward my friend anymore, he didn't ever return the romantic feelings I once had, not to mention he's married and I am in a committed relationship.

[Jellybean85]

Yes i do agree and I think your boyfriend should find reasonable that you can meet this guy if he is there too... I don't see how he could find that set up threatening at all.

 

I understand that you don't have any kind of romantic feelings for your friend anymore... but lets get real, the qualities (physical and behavior wise) that once attract you in this guy are still there and in the proper situation you could find your self with similar romantic feelings as the ones you once already had... wise people avoid problems even before they have arrived!

Regarding the fact that he is married and you are in a committed relationship... I don't want to imply that any of you are cheaters but you should have a look to the infidelity and jealousy side of these forums.. it is amazing the amounts of times that you read... "I don't know how that could happened, I always thought I would never cheat!"

 

You make several good points I hadn't thought of. It's definitely best to avoid situations that can be risky. But, I don't like feeling that I would need to end a friendship which I don't see as a risk.

 

My boyfriend has been cheated on in the past, and I can't help but think he has some trust issues because of that. I have never given him reason to distrust me, or think that I'm crossing the boundaries of friendship.. so it's hard for me to understand what's making him uncomfortable with this situation and how to fix it.

[Video]

If it were me i would feel much better if you told me that I had nothing to worry about.

 

Tell him what you told us. You love him more than anything and he has nothing to worry about.

 

In my last relationship my girlfriend had several guy friends and dated a couple of them. I found it was a lot easier and made me feel much better to meet them and hang out with them. Maybe you could have him meet your ex. I became friends with my last girlfriends ex's and guess what...after we broke up I still am!!! We hang out all the time! Haha! How do you like that?!

[soccerrprp]

You make several good points I hadn't thought of. It's definitely best to avoid situations that can be risky. But, I don't like feeling that I would need to end a friendship which I don't see as a risk.

 

My boyfriend has been cheated on in the past, and I can't help but think he has some trust issues because of that. I have never given him reason to distrust me, or think that I'm crossing the boundaries of friendship.. so it's hard for me to understand what's making him uncomfortable with this situation and how to fix it.

 

Been there, done that.

 

I suggestion is that YOU DO NOT end your friendship with your friend. You've known him for much longer and have a relationship that is certain (as you describe it). This boyfriend is, just that, a boyfriend for now. Do you LOVE your bf?

 

Anyway, you shouldn't have to end a true friendship with someone you knew long before you met your bf.

 

Just avoid meeting with your friend 1 to 1. Let your bf know about your conversations if you feel okay with that, though you shouldn't have to. Trust is an issue here. You say you haven't given him any reason to not trust you, so the issue is his.

[Video]

Video, while I think your experience is indeed a good example, I think that you and OP are in totally different faces of your life... For your post you seem to be a quite young guy

 

I'm 24 I don't see why my advice couldn't be helpful. And that relationship I speak of went on for 6 years so at the time yes I was young.

[salparadise]

I definitely hate that he's uncomfortable. My boyfriend is of course the most important person to me, but my friends are too. I wouldn't like to lose the friendship, especially since I enjoy seeing the entire group of friends and he has always been a good friend to me over the years. It's a tough situation...

 

I think you should cool it with the male friend. That doesn't mean you'd have to terminate the friendship or notify him of a status change. Just get away from the frequent contact, which is what makes your bf uncomfortable. Even though you say that you no longer have the crush and that it was unrequited, I'm guessing that on some level attraction continues to be a motivation for maintaining frequent contact. What other basis would there be? How many opposite sex friendships do you maintain (with ongoing frequent contact) where the attraction factor is minus rather than plus? Attraction is a biological reality that does not become conveniently irrelevant just because the context deems it to be inappropriate. Your bf knows this and that's why he's uncomfortable.

[sabre80]

I am gonna veer off a bit. Rather than addressing weather the relationship is appropriate or not I feel one thing really needs to be looked at. Your BF expressed his discomfort but did not demand anything from you. This says

A) he is comfortable addressing boundary issues with you

B) he trusts you

 

Trust is a fragile and beautiful thing. It brings two people together in a bond or when lacking can tear it apart. You could go meet up with this guy and have a strictly platonic lunch to catch up on old times. Nothing could happen yet you put the trust in doubt each time you do. He gave you trust by not demanding you stop seeing this friend. You have an opportunity to multiply that trust and give it back.

 

Some guys may tell you its ok go ahead and do it while internally resenting the fact. Some guys may outright demand you not go then put a VAR and GPS on your car and snoop your texts. Your BF did the mature thing. Express his discomfort and left the ball in your court. Regardless of what the internet may say weather it be appropriate or not the choice is yours in what you want. Defend and let the trust build stronger or put it in doubt. Meeting this guy right or wrong WILL do nothing positive for trust.

 

My last ex and I dated briefly (only 2 months) then remained friends. Our kids were friends before we met and became even closer friends after. We still occasionally catch up when we get the kids together. Anyway about a month before I met my current girlfriend the ex and I planned a little 2 day train ride vacation for the kids. After a few months as the vacation (paid for in full non refundable) drew closer I had been dating my girlfriend for 2 months exclusively. I brought the vacation up with her and invited her. She said she could not go. She was uncomfortable with me going on vacation with an ex but really trusted me so I should still go seeing as the vacation was already paid for.

 

This blew my mind. I had never had this level of trust given to me like this before. I canceled the trip because I did not want to cast even a shadow of doubt on this trust I have never had. Trust and relationships are fragile and steps should always be taken to make them grow. Not just avoid harming them but to avoid complacency as well. Trust can be lost in the blink of an eye but takes years to build. Always be vigilant in defending what you are given.

[Quiet Storm]

My suggestion is to end the friendship.

 

You've been with your boyfriend for over a year and are living together, so it's a serious, longterm relationship.

 

This something that really bothers him. Regardless of whether or not you THINK he should be worried, he is.

 

You say he is the most important person in the world to you.

 

What is so special about the friend/ ex-crush that you need him in your life? What is so valuable about this friendship? Have you actually thought about it, or do you just feel that boyfriend is being "too controlling" and feel that you must take a stand? I've noticed that some people automatically see this type of request as insecurity or controlling behavior, and totally disregard the feelings behind it. Try to understand where he is coming from. Not everyone is 100% secure and confident...and that's OK.

 

The friend being married is no guard against inappropriate behavior. Your boyfriend knows this, so don't use the whole "but he's married" line because he will think that's BS. Take a look in the infidelity/ OW forum. Many married people cheat, and it often starts with friendships/ coworkers/ old lovers or friends. Most don't intend to have an affair, but it's a slippery slope. He might be bored with his wife sexually, you might have an argument with your boyfriend, your texts get flirty, the sexual tension builds and before you know it... Risky.

 

Disregarding your boyfriend's feelings about this will send the message that you value your friendship with your ex-crush more than your boyfriend's feelings. You can offer him a hundred reasons as to why that is not the case, but that's what he's going to think, regardless. Your loyalty should lie with him.

 

If you don't see yourself with your boyfriend long term, then keep the friendship. But if you want to marry your boyfriend, these types of issues, while seemingly trivial, can be a turning point in a relationship.

Edited March 28, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[InJest]

We can debate right or wrong, all day long. The relevant facts are that you say you love your bf with all your heart, and you hate that it makes him uncomfortable. So what is more important to you? A friendship with someone you rarely see or speak to, or your bf being comfortable and secure in his relationship with you?

 

Can't you just stop initiating contact with the guy, and if you bump into him at a function speak briefly? I don't see what the big deal is here. It's not like your bf is going crazy and saying you're forbidden to speak to the guy ever.

[Jellybean85]

Thank you all for your insight. It certainly helps having various viewpoints expressed, and from unbiased outside sources.

 

I suppose it's not a matter of right or wrong, as a previous poster pointed out. Instead, the big thing is that my boyfriend is uncomfortable and that needs to be fixed.

 

Someone also pointed out that maybe it's difficult to feel I am being controlled - and I totally agree. I sometimes need to remind myself it's not about the principle of the matter, and I often struggle with this - after all, I don't like to feel as though he is indirectly controlling who I am friends with. Maybe that's part of why I am so adamant to keep the friendship - I just don't want to feel controlled in that way (and that's certainly not a mature, loving or justifiable way for me to feel!)

 

If I do cut off friendship or stop contact, I am concerned that it will be awkward - my friend has always been good to me, and would be totally mystified if he knew I ever even had feelings for him. Plus it would be odd getting together with our group of friends because we are all pretty close - and it seems that I would have to explain why I didn't talk to the friend anymore.

 

I told my boyfriend I wouldn't see my friend anymore, in effort to make him feel better. But, if he is at a group function (wedding, college reunions) I can't exactly control that. I don't feel that I should stop speaking to him altogether - I believe my boyfriend should trust that I'm not doing anything inappropriate.

 

I really don't feel that anyone should control whom I choose to communicate with (infrequently at that!) but ultimately my boyfriend is the one who does matter most to me.

[NervisPervis]

I actually didn't tell my boyfriend about my feelings I once had for my friend. I figured the feelings were one sided, and they're in the past so not something that I would have thought affected our current relationship, so I never mentioned it. He said he was talking to some of our friends (people I was in college with) and someone jokingly made a comment about my past feelings for my friend. My boyfriend asked me about it awhile later and I explained to him that I once had a crush, but it was a long time ago, and that I don't feel the same about this person now.

 

OK. So you lied to your BF about your relationship with this guy. Sure, you justify that lie, but it was still a lie.

 

As for My bf's friends, he doesn't have any close platonic female friends.

 

Of course he doesn't. He's a loving, honest, trusting boyfriend. He has no interest in screwing any other women. That is the only reason men maintain close friendships with women. I know that for a fact. So does your BF. This man wants to screw you. He knows it. Your BF knows it. He's more uncomfortable with this relationship than you think. It's going to get ugly. My waning to you. You're welcome.

 

Now. Let's talk about YOU. Let's say I'm right, and there's a DAMN good change I am, and this guy does have a thing for you. How does that make you feel? How will that make you react? Don't tell me or the rest of your cheering squad (I already know that response, thank you). Tell YOURSELF. Then think about this friendship. Then think about your trusing boyfriend. Then think about how this plays out.

 

Good luck. I feel bad for you girls. You do seem to want legitimate platonic relationships with men and thnk you have them.

 

And they just want to screw you. Sad really.

[PogoStick]

Considering I am still in contact with several ex gfs and even my ex wife, this seems benign. I'm sure some women are concerned but many seem to like that I've maintained those friendships.

[Geiss]

Maybe he should turn the tables and start talking with your friends wife. Maybe his wife is feeling the same way your boyfriend does. Do you think she likes it that you and her husband are chatting away on the phone. And meeting up. I would have a problem if you admitted to me you had feelings for this guy and even though you say you don't now we know that's BS. And so does your boyfriend. And he's been cheated on too.

 

You should really cool it with that other guy. Would you like it if he was talking with his wife and hanging out with her? I bet the husband wouldn't like it either. Or you.