lastresort Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 we have been living together for about 6 months, she moved into my home with her son and my two sons. Things were mostly good but i really screwed the pooch a couple of weeks ago and she left. I'm not much of a drinker and i went out this night on my way home from my sons baseball game, he went home with his mom, instead of beer i drank Jack on the rocks, which i know better but that is what my buddy was buying. any ways i got home and she started giving me a hard time about a couple of things, not the fact that i was drunk. Things then escalated to a major fight. I know the booze triggered it and i couldn't stop running my mouth. Unfortunately her son woke up in the middle and was scared and she flipped. i feel bad and i know that wasn't a good thing, feel horrible for him seeing me like that. His dad is a drunk/druggy, she has 100% custody. She moved out the next day. Since then she is the first person to call or text me every morning. She says she doesn't want me back but wants to remain best friends for the kids, they were like brothers. we talked for 2.5 hours the other night on the phone just about random stuff. Thanks for reading the ramblings above, here is my question. If she is still calling me how should I go about getting her back? I try not to contact her but i still help her out with her son since she is in school and my schedule is pretty open. Should i try a 180 on her and see how it goes? All her girlfriends tell me i need to fight for her, they call me to talk about it. talked to her best friend for an hour and a half today!!! any ways thanks for any advice!!! PEACE
Author lastresort Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 here we go again... im on the phone with her as I type.. we talk about nothing and play WWF against each other as we talk... shes messing with my head
Chris516 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 here we go again... im on the phone with her as I type.. we talk about nothing and play WWF against each other as we talk... shes messing with my head If her girlfriends' are telling you to fight for her, and she keeps calling you, I would say, fight for her.
Chi townD Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 You have to be honest with her. You have to apologize again and state that it was a laspe in judgement and an isolated incident. However, YOU ARE NOT HER EX! And shouldn't be treated as such. People that are head over heels in love with each other will fight every once in a while. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. It happens. There's going to be periods of time where you still love that person, but at the moment, you're not liking them too much. Ozzie and Harriet were on a TV show, that's not real. Then tell her that if she's willing to throw away the relationship between you and the kids, then fine. That's her choice and you'll have to respect that. But, you can't be friends with her while you still have romantic feelings for her. That's not being fair to you or for her. Now, she needs to make a choice either she wants to fight along side you and try to save the relationship. Try to go to couples counseling. Or, you need to cut ties. Because, in the long run, it's going to hurt the kids the most and you don't want to expose your kids to that kind of pain (they've been through enough already. If she says that she isn't coming back. Well, then that's it. Time to move on. Go NC and heal from this.
Calvin's wagon Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 (edited) Hi! Lastresort, I'm not experienced when it comes to relationships involving kids, so take my opinion with that in mind. I hope more people with more experience will chime in. But in my opinion, I would advise you to try your best to amend for your mistakes, show her that you will work HARD on yourself AND your relationship, that you are not like her ex and that you want to be with her. How to do that? There are a lot of things, but some suggestions: 1.) Like Chi TownD has said, couple's counselling! Also, read up on how to improve communication skills (in general, with your S/O, with kids,...) and, if you/she think it would be beneficial, try to work on yourself in general (dealing with childhood issues, individual counselling,...) 2.) Honest communication with her -> work hard on improving communication with her and talking to her what she and you feel like are the good and not so good things in the relationship, what can both of you do to change things for the better. 3.) Alcohol - my advice is for you to stop drinking and check out support groups,..., for alcohol problems. I come from a family where my parents, especially dad, had problems with alcohol in the past (now they drink some champagne 1x-2x a year for special occasions), and I can tell you that leaves a huge negative effect on the kids and, from what I observed, on the relationship between adults. Even though this might be the first time her/your kids got scared because of your drinking, it is enough. Even one time can leave a helluva mark on a kid... I imagine that she's afraid (for her sake and for her son's sake) of such events continuing or escalating in the future, and that she's especially wary because of her experience with her ex. I don't know you beyond what you've written in the post, but there are some signs that remind me of my parents and of people with a drinking problem. For example that her son was scared of your behaviour (I was in his shoes and even now after 15+ years I can vividly a lot of stuff). Also the "excuse" that you would drink beer but that even though "you knew better but that is what your buddy was buying" - I hope I'm not being too pessimistic, but that's a sign of troubles with alcohol and discipline - if you didn't want to drink the strong stuff and you knew better, you could have and should have stuck to beer. Just because you were offered sth stronger isn't any sort of reason to drink that. The best way of avoiding stuff like that to happen again, to avoiding the slightest chance of hurting her son, YOUR kids, her and yourself is to stop drinking. Anything less than that would, in my opinion, open the doors for things getting out of hand anytime you come into contact with any kind of alcohol. I would advise you to read the book Toxic parents by Susan Forward (available online in PDF for free if you google it), especially the chapter on alcoholics. I'm not saying that you certainly are one, but once a kid gets scared of you because of this, it's high time to address it before it goes out of hand! And I'd advise she reads it too, considering her ex. 4.) Also, both of you have to think strongly about getting help for both of your kids. Her son needs it if he grew up with her ex (his dad the druggy/drunk), because that can mess up a kid really badly even though he might be hiding it. And also think about your kids and what they have been through... Again, I'm not trying to be too critical, worrying, saying you'd harm the intentionally, but sometimes adults aren't aware of how much they're influencing their kids (that was the case in my life and with many of my friends). So even though you might think they're perfectly ok, they might not be. So i would suggest you talk to a professional to help determine if they need someone to help them deal with stuff... Hopefully I'm worrying over nothing, but when it comes to your kids, it's better to be safe than sorry. 5.) If eventually things don't work out between you two, there's a chance of going NC, but perhaps, given the fact that kids are involved, that you will want to stay in limited contact (LC) - I cannot currently locate the link, but somewhere on this forum I saw a great post on how to maintain limited contact with the other person for the sake of the kids and at the same time protect yourself. Hopefully others will post it or you will find it here. If you don't, let me know and I'll try to look for it. /// So much for now. I strongly wish all of you all the best and that you will continue to do your best for everyone involved, and that we will be able to help you with that! Looking forward to hearing from you again! Best wishes Edited March 28, 2013 by Calvin's wagon
Author lastresort Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 Thank you calvin great advice. I have vowed to not touch alcohol again, until next time, jk... Since the break up i have decided to dedicate my life to god and work out my issues that way. I feel good about myself in doing this. Reading the bible has just started helping me relax and find myself again. It is just hard for me to realize i lost her. I own a company and she is the only employee and we work together and also I am the coach of her sons baseball team. Not sure if i should continue with that or not. She says its ok if i continue coaching the team. I have taken on her son as one of mine I am not quitter he's had enough people walk out of his life and I want to show him that being a man isnt running from things like this.
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