Underloved Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Why am I hiding in the basement when he's the one that's doing something wrong?I can't even look at him. I've suspected off and on for a long time that something was wrong but this morning I checked his old phone-we got new ones 2 weeks ago, he was weird at the phone store that's why I wondered if something was wrong. He left the old one on the bookcase. I noticed I had messages coming in on both so I didn't say anything and this morning I checked. I didn't find much, a few texts from numbers I don't know that just say stuff like call me and hey. I want to be wrong but it doesn't feel wrong. I just feel sick so now I'm in the basement 'spring cleaning' and listening to music and really all I'm doing is crying. We have 2 kids, we've been married almost 17 years. What did I do wrong?
Decorative Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Why am I hiding in the basement when he's the one that's doing something wrong?I can't even look at him. I've suspected off and on for a long time that something was wrong but this morning I checked his old phone-we got new ones 2 weeks ago, he was weird at the phone store that's why I wondered if something was wrong. He left the old one on the bookcase. I noticed I had messages coming in on both so I didn't say anything and this morning I checked. I didn't find much, a few texts from numbers I don't know that just say stuff like call me and hey. I want to be wrong but it doesn't feel wrong. I just feel sick so now I'm in the basement 'spring cleaning' and listening to music and really all I'm doing is crying. We have 2 kids, we've been married almost 17 years. What did I do wrong? You did nothing wrong. You're in the same marriage- and you didn't cheat, did you? You need to go into investigative mode and figure out what is going on. 3
whichwayisup Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 First off, you didn't do anything wrong. If he is cheating on you or having an inappropriate friendship with another woman, that's ALL ON HIM, not you! He is broken inside and has chosen the cheating path well on his own. No more blaming yourself or wondering what you did wrong. You have options - Don't tell him or let on that you *know* he's up to no good. Gather more evidence, pay close attention to his moods, if he gets antsy if you are near him when he's texting, or on the computer. You could also hire a PI or ask a very trusted friend to help you follow him, or set up a voice activated recorder etc.. Sorry that you're hurting. 5
TiredFamilyGuy Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Deep breath. Investigative mode, on. Get a couple of voice activated recorders and put in car & in house where he will call if you're not there. Put one on the phone if you have a fixed line. Buy a hardware keylogger to go in between the keyboard and computer, if you think he's using that to send messages. Good luck. You have done nothing wrong. 4
HampdenMom Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 You have done nothing wrong. The person here who is acting inappropriately is your husband, not you. Do not even try to accept blame for somebody else's bad behavior, it is not yours to own. If he is cheating, that was his choice, and is not at all reflective of you. You kept your vows, you valued your family. Did he? 1
Spark1111 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 get the HELL out of the basement and start gathering evidence while pasting a sweet smile on your face in front of him! Right now! You didn't do anything wrong! What could you have possibly done? Are you a a raging substance abuser? Did you lie and cheat and deceive him? WHY are you crying in that basement? All couples are 50 percent responsible for the state of your marriage. He is 100 percent responsible for cheating on you. What a horrible choice and it fixes no issues. it lobs a grenade into the marriage. gather evidence while he is unsuspecting. Then get good and angry when you have sweetly, quietly gathered enough evidence and then get good and angry and confront him. But get the HELL out of the basement. YOU do not belong there. YOU did nothing wrong. believe that and OWN that. 6
Author Underloved Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 Thank you all. I know realistically I didn't do anything but it sure feels that way. Am I opening cans of worms by looking at his phone like that? I feel like I broke his trust, but I need to know.I don't know how to start gathering evidence. Where do I start? How do I do this? He came down last night and was asking why I was down there, what was I doing and was just so doting and I wanted to punch him in the face. I was downstairs because I was afraid of what I might say or do. It looks like the messages have stopped going to both old and new phones so thats not an option any longer, he's always kept his phone close. What do I do now? Go take it while he sleeps? He works nights.
NotCamelot Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 1. You did nothing wrong. 2. Stop hiding. 3. Smile. 4. Start searching. Are the "call me" texts on his old phone all you have to go on? If so, it could be innocent. Before you panic, make sure of your suspicions. Do NOT ask him about it. Do not bring it up until you are sure and have hard evidence. Now, if it were me, I would trace the phone numbers those texts came from. There are lots of ways to do it. One example: www.phonedetective.com It is a subcription service but it may be worth the few dollars it costs....and it's cheap. If you cannot trace the number, you can always call it and just see who answers.....don't say anything, then hang up. Check cell phone records, check received and sent emails, check credit card records, debit card records, bank records. Start recording mileage on car to see if there are extra unexplained miles driven. Is he leaving for work earlier than usual, coming home late? Think about it, you know him and his patterns. There are lots of ways to investigate. I really hope it turns out that your suspicions are wrong.
Author Underloved Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 I know something happened years ago. I was having post partum after our daughter and I was not the best wife for a while. I never found out what really happened, I think it was just a kiss or two but for all I know it may have been a full fledged affair. I thought we were past all that, that things were good now, but the last year, it's been not right. He's come home from work and I can tell he's been drinking. He always says he stopped for a drink with friends, but I've never met these people. He gets weird about it when his phone rings or he gets texts and I swear he came home in different clothes the other day. He told me I was imagining things but I can't find the shirt I would swear he left in. He doesn't go to the gym, he doesn't work a job that would require him to change, so there shouldn't be any excuse. We've been through so much. I'm going to be so angry if I stayed and we made it through the hard parts and when things should be getting easier he does this. Do you think maybe he isn't cheating and I might be imagining it?
Author Underloved Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 Looking at the phone detective site now. The phone is in my name, that'll help right? Can they give me copies of old texts if I call verizon?
NotCamelot Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Yes, is is possible that you are looking for something not there. BUT you know him, we don't. In most cases, if you feel something is wrong, it probably is. But it could be something totally different than an affair. Maybe it is an alcohol problem??? Maybe there are problems at work. It coud be a lot of things. Just make sure before you bring it up to him. One thing is usually certain, if it is a affair, they will get comfortable and careless as it goes on. It will be discovered - either by you or her husband if she has one.
NotCamelot Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Don't know if you will have much luck getting copies of the old texts. Phone companies have been pretty hard to deal with on that unless you have a court order compelling them to release them....even when it is your account.
NotCamelot Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 There is software that will let you pull a year's worth of text messages from the phone. If it is an iPhone, a good one is ImTOO SMS iPhone Backup. There are softwares for other phones as well. Install software on PC, connect phone, follow directions and you have it all in a text file.
CarrieT Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Can they give me copies of old texts if I call verizon? I'm not sure you can get the content of the texts but you can get the logs on how many texts, times, calls, length-of-calls, etc. If you are seeing a lot of usage to an unfamiliar number, then you need to start digging deeper.
Author Underloved Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 New phone is an iphone. I DID put "findmyiphone" on his phone without telling him. I installed it on all of them though so that shouldn't look weird. It will let me see where his phone is I think? Old phone is a droid. I'll have to search for something. I don't know if it'll still work if we switched phones? There are a LOT of texts showing. Most aren't to numbers I recognize. We have 1700 shared minutes and free cell to cell, no one ever uses the minutes but my daughter, and he used 400 last month to mostly 2 different numbers That doesn't feel good. :(:( He sent me 17 texts last month but our account shows he used over 1000????
NotCamelot Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 You are right. That does not sound good. Look at this link for droid SMS backup: Android SMS Backup: Export Android SMS to Computer The phone account should show the phone numbers texts are going to and from.
Author Underloved Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 Thank you all. I need to go lay down now before the kids come home. I can't stop crying and I have a headache now.I can't see how it can be anything else. Do you know how I access his email?
NotCamelot Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 That could be tough without some IT hands on, what type email does he use? Do you know email address?
Author Underloved Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 I do it's his [email protected] unless he's changed it. He also has an old aol email I could check too. I'm afraid of what I'm going to find next. Both phone numbers appeared to be answered by the same girls voice. I used skype to call them and just hung up.
NotCamelot Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 You could try going to gmail.com, click on Lost Password, then try to answer the security questions he may have setup and recover the password that way. I take it you did not recognize the voice?
Author Underloved Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 No I didn't recognize her voice. It sounds stupid but she sounded young and pretty. I got a couple texts using the program you linked to, thank you and I got into his aol account and found dating profile log ins. I don't know what to do. You said don't ask him about this? I can't stop crying. I sent the kids to my moms and he's already left for work. I told him I was sick so I didn't have to talk to him. I guess I wasn't lying. I feel sick.
underwater2010 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Here is where I think you are at. Send the kids for the weekend to your parents. Have him sit down in front of you. Ask him to hand over the cell phone and his computer. He will skirm. Tell him to log into his main email and his phone then he is to write down his passwords. Give him the chance to tell you every email account he has. Then sit will the computer and dig, dig, dig. You can go to any basic email and try typing his name or his current user name and sometimes it will auto fill. Then you can request the passwords be sent to his main email account. Please be prepared for what you are going to find. This is the hardest part. The second is finding out wether he wants to stay or go to his new partner. Hang in there and let us know if you need anything. 2
Steen719 Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 So sorry you are in this situation. It is one of the hardest things to live through. Get a keylogger for your computer. Google it right now and you can download one - you have to pay. You can get the results either by logging on your computer or remotely. This will allow you to capture emails, facebook conversation, etc. As Underwater says, this is a difficult thing to face, so realize that you might see some conversations you don't want to see. I would wait until you have had a chance to see what he is up to before talking to him. That way, you have some idea of what you are facing. I agree with you and others that 1000 texts and dating site log-ins are indicative of problems, but better to know what is going on. It is difficult, but if you can, face it head on. If you minimize what is happening, it leads to pain down the road when the full implications of his actions hit you. Best to you. There are many really great people on here who will support you and give you advice or let you vent, so come back often. Hugs to you, Underloved.
2sunny Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 I think I'd tell him I know about what he's up to - and tell him to move now - so you can collect your thoughts and get a plan of action mapped out. If you have money together - move it to your name only. Close his credit cards so he can't rack up a bunch of more debt. Start taking action. 1
turnera Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 It's your job to protect your marriage, so snooping, given his past, is your duty. Don't feel bad. If you do find something, the best way to end an affair is to give them an immediate consequence - her or me - and kick him out if he chooses her. He would likely soon find out the grass isn't greener, and ask to come back. But if you let him stay and try to nice him back to you, he'll just continue to eat cake.
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