Troubled

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I'm having troubles, for weeks I haven't been sleeping or eating well yet I'm always wired. Normally I'd say that's great but I'm also lashing out and crying when I normally wouldn't.

 

I've been talking to a guy for 3 years, if it's not to the day I do remember it being just before April. Once we started talking I think we both started wondering about each other, got progressively more flirty and truly liked each other (rare IMO) and then it seemed like he was going to ask me out but he seemed to essentially go into panic mode.

 

We went through this cycle quite a bit but when I left that job it seemed a lot more possible. I don't know if there was a policy against dating coworkers but maybe we felt uncomfortable about it so we waited. After I left he asked me out several times and we finally settled on going out one night but about a week before he bailed. It shook me up and I was obviously upset about it. I smoked for the first time in decades but stopped in winter because it was too cold out for me, but I felt like I was in freak out mode and told a friend at some point. Maybe he got wind of it because I started seeing him write about us on his blog, even quoting me.

 

I don't know if it was due to the last time or the fact that I was reading everything he was feeling but this time was particularly hard...and the cycle repeated itself. I deal with anxiety myself just not at the same time as him, it's usually when he bails or I see that he's about to bail that I get out of control. But as hard as it is for me to witness the cycle each time and be on the receiving end, it must be more torture for him.

 

I can kind of relate to his panicked feeling. Years ago there was a relative I had difficulties with so I didn't want to go visit. This turned into a much bigger deal, I would just panic anytime it was suggested I go visit. It took control away from me, I'd come up with any logical sounding excuse in the book to avoid facing that fear, maybe it was even a phobia of some kind. Somewhere along the way I actually wanted help and wondered why one of our other relatives wouldn't take me there. I could kind of handle it with others there but not alone for some reason.

 

With that said, I should've gotten help but I didn't so it went on for far too long. It's now the thing that pushes me to face fears no matter how I feel. And I don't just mean go visit someone even if I'm scared, I mean get some drugs. The guy I know who keeps going into panic mode, I think could be easily helped out of the stuck place he's in, pretty easily by popping a pill, probably from his regular Dr. I think of panic attacks as more physical so something healthwise may be going on. I want to take him if he doesn't want to go alone, I'll even talk to the Dr if it helps. Or maybe he wants to go on his own. Basically I want us to move forward and I think this is an easy fix, and what's one more pill.

 

I feel beyond awful that I've reacted to stuff he's said recently by pretty much screaming at him, and saying things I didn't even mean or were coming out all wrong. Besides my lack of sleep, etc I'm just feeling frustrated. He's really the greatest guy, and I think he's trying hard. It can get heated but I'm actually not mad at him, I think both of us try hard to look out for each other when we're not right in that cycle. I know nobody's perfect but I think we're pretty perfect for each other, except for this one thing standing in our way.

 

I think we both need a little breathing room though. It's almost Easter weekend and I'll have family over the whole time but I'd like to regroup later when we can both calm down. Now I should probably go eat something for a change.

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Got some rest, doing better. Even when I just left my old job I thought we'd "start over", taking "the office" out of it, so he should take all the time he needs and call me when he's ready...sending out a virtual hug.

 

I hope he didn't feel insulted by my bringing this up, I really want good things. I don't expect changes to happen overnight though. Hell it even takes time to get in to see a Dr. And part of the reason I mentioned going with him is because other than getting all hotheaded I don't really know what I'm doing wrong to make it worse and I'd like to at least help with that. My guess is each of us is having our own perceptions but we haven't really talked about any of it so it's impossible to see what we're doing to each other until a big blow up. I know, duh. Eating & sleeping better, and cutting back on the booze. I'm sorry, big time.

 

I haven't felt like going to my hobby meetings while this was going on but I'll get back to that soon to take my mind off things and give him space for now.