I'm a cheater- don't hate

[2sunny]

You've been willing to purposely hurt a lot of people you say you love.

 

Is THAT love?

 

What is your love supposed to look like?

 

Do anything and everything to change yourself and your behavior.

[Jonah]

Maybe you are worrying too much about it. Feeling all bad from all the things society has pushed on you... this is bad, this is good. Who is to say any of that is accurate. You have a friend that helps you find comfort in this cold world. Why bar yourself from some relief from it all?

[whichwayisup]

Does anyone know what is broken inside a cheater? Because I would really like to get right to work on that horrible part of me. Honestly, I don't think I even view it as negatively as I should in general. Where the hell did this lack of morality within me come from? What happens to a person to make them lose sight (if they ever had it). Maybe I just never learned it. I would learn it the HARD way if I told my husband.

 

A year ago, I said something that made him think I was having an affair. It was horrible. We essentially went through all the stuff that happens when a husband finds out. I denied it, for weeks, and tried to comfort him everytime he needed it. That was when I was so scared I decided to end it for good with the OM. Since then, I haven't seen the OM but as you know, continue to text/email, which I'm going to stop doing.

 

A sure way of ending your A on ALL levels is to tell your husband. I know you probably won't want to tell him, but seeing as in the past you were scared, it is something to consider. This way NC will for sure happen and you and your H can fix things together.

 

Great job staying away physically from OM, but the texting and emailing has to stop, it's still feeding your feelings and keeping the connection alive, making you disconnect from your H.

 

It's very easy to say "I'm going to stop doing", it's a lot harder obviously to actually do it!

 

I say, write the OM, let him know that you need to let go of him, that you care for him but keeping the flame alive through emails really serves no purpose except keep you two attached and connected - What is the point of it since you're M and not looking to end your M, divorce and start over with OM. Say goodbye and ask him to please respect your wishes to do NC.

 

Then change your email address and block him too, this way you're not tempted to reach out again in the future. it'll be hard but you need to do this, for yourself, your kids, your husband..

[2sunny]

Maybe you are worrying too much about it. Feeling all bad from all the things society has pushed on you... this is bad, this is good. Who is to say any of that is accurate. You have a friend that helps you find comfort in this cold world. Why bar yourself from some relief from it all?

 

Ummm, because she made a commitment - called marriage.

 

And if she wants to do it your way - that's fine too - all she has to do is get divorced FIRST!

[Jonah]

Ummm, because she made a commitment - called marriage.

 

And if she wants to do it your way - that's fine too - all she has to do is get divorced FIRST!

 

maybe best. Perhaps even most often best. But not always. Consider those forced into marriage. Make their call too Mrs leave it to beaver.

[2sunny]

maybe best. Perhaps even most often best. But not always. Consider those forced into marriage. Make their call too Mrs leave it to beaver.

 

Speak English dude!

 

Oh ya - perspective from the perpetual cheater...

[rtp4ps]

I understand the strong feelings from everyone on this matter. I respect them and don't take offense to them because I NEED the help and I asked for it. It helps me to try and get a clearer perspective and I will come back and read this thread everyday. This is Day 2, by the way of NC with OM. A small and significant accomplishment.

 

I realized that part of what broke my moral compass may have been watching my mother date other men while still officially married to my dad. I have no contact with the woman anymore and she is addicted to prescription medications. I am not blaming her for my choices but rather looking deep into myself for the root cause of my lack of clarity on the issue. My mentor was so screwed up. My younger siblings and I were emotionally neglected and abandoned by her and I got my sense of value and appreciation from the boys I dated.

 

H and I are actually very close and doing well. We spoke today about my mother and that she was a bad mentor for us. We spoke about how I had a lot to overcome. He wants us to move beyond all of the damage from FOO and be close. He is great and I think we are going to be ok. He loves our life, our family and marriage and wants to keep it together no matter what. No, I didn't come right out and tell him but some progress is made.

 

Thank you everyone for being here for me. I have hope...and even a little peace, and I have you to thank.

[2sunny]

I understand the strong feelings from everyone on this matter. I respect them and don't take offense to them because I NEED the help and I asked for it. It helps me to try and get a clearer perspective and I will come back and read this thread everyday. This is Day 2, by the way of NC with OM. A small and significant accomplishment.

 

I realized that part of what broke my moral compass may have been watching my mother date other men while still officially married to my dad. I have no contact with the woman anymore and she is addicted to prescription medications. I am not blaming her for my choices but rather looking deep into myself for the root cause of my lack of clarity on the issue. My mentor was so screwed up. My younger siblings and I were emotionally neglected and abandoned by her and I got my sense of value and appreciation from the boys I dated.

 

H and I are actually very close and doing well. We spoke today about my mother and that she was a bad mentor for us. We spoke about how I had a lot to overcome. He wants us to move beyond all of the damage from FOO and be close. He is great and I think we are going to be ok. He loves our life, our family and marriage and wants to keep it together no matter what. No, I didn't come right out and tell him but some progress is made.

 

Thank you everyone for being here for me. I have hope...and even a little peace, and I have you to thank.

 

So you know that was a poor role model - but you made a conscious decision to also cheat while married... Hmmm...I'm not buying that.

 

Your actions are YOURS to own!

 

If you don't own them - without placing blame on ANYONE else for what YOU'VE done - you haven't even started yet.

 

Stop moving backwards and blaming Mom - it's ONLY on you.

 

Tell your H - he has a right to know what work you need to do on yourself.

 

Seek professional help to get honest with yourself and others.

 

Without honesty - you have nothing to offer your H.

[Darren Steez]

She won't tell him, I think that's pretty clear.

[rtp4ps]

Ok...I hear what you all are saying about telling him. I am not at that place right now. Thanks to you all though, I am at the place where I am internally processing my personal defects that allowed me to make a mistake of this magnitude. That is why I mentioned my mother's role, NOT to blame her for my choices, as I stated before. I believe it is important to understand the origins of our bad "programming" then move on to writing a new program.

 

Right now that consists of catching every thought of the OM when it comes into my head and changing it to appear as what it really is...my selfishness and dishonesty with myself and my whole world. I need to train myself to see the bad as bad. It is working I can tell because the connection to this false hope of happiness is severing and my connection to my H and kids is getting better and stronger than it was.

 

I hear the words of all of you caring, honest people when I'm doing this process, many times throughout the day. I hate the feeling of being bad and thought of in a bad way by all of you and it helps me to have a conscience, which apparently was quite weak before. Thank you for being my conscience trainer.

 

This morning my 13 yr old daughter said she thought the idea of "chicken soup for the soul" was silly and asked if I agreed. I said no because a person's soul CAN get sick. I know this all too well. I am trying to heal my soul for the sake of everyone in this house.

 

Yes, I am afraid he will find out. At the same time, I do wish it was out in the open. I just don't think he would forgive me, ever. In the meantime, he's kind of stuck with me because I take care of his whole entire life, kids, business, house...everything he has would be gone without me and he would not choose that. So instead, he would punish me all day every day. I know some of you would say "GOOD you deserve it!" and I do, it's true. But my sense of self-preservation is preventing me from doing that right now. I want to be stronger so I don't just run (like to the OM) when the punishment starts.

 

It's Day 3 of NC. It's a little bit easier everyday. I know it's right and that's getting more clear every minute.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Rtp, Good to see you making an effort to come to terms with what you have done and thinking of trying to fix what you think is wrong with you. Firstly I would like to say that NOBODY is intrinsically bad. Do not go around beating yourself as being a bad person. Remember that even Jesus Christ forgave the woman he saved from the crowd which was about to stone her. Remember how He got rid of those people by asking the person who was sinless to cast the first stone on her. After they disappeared He told her that since the others had not proceeded to stone her then neither would He and He was sinless. He told the woman who was accused of adultery that he forgave her and that she should go and sin no more.

 

My point is that if you believe in God then remember that He forgives you irrespective of whether human beings do so or not. Your husband not forgiving you will not matter in the greater scheme of things. He is a human being and like all of us is weak. You need to be honest with him because he deserves that. If he does not forgive you and wants a divorce then you will have to accept that decision of his. When you cheated on him you made your bed in that respect and you will have to accept the consequences of that choice that you made. However you do not have to put up with your husband punishing you for the rest of your life by remaining married to you and then making you suffer. You have a choice in that matter and you can choose to divorce him if he embarks on that path. Remember that only God has right to punish you and if He chooses to forgive you then you do not have to accept punishment from any one else. Yes you have hurt your husband horribly and he has every right to be angry with you. You can choose to remain with him and help him heal if he is prepared to let you do so. However if he decides to remain with you then after he has taken time out to rant and rave and show his distrust of you, he will have to start accepting you again and NOT treating you like dirt and keep punishing you for the rest of your life. If he is not able to overcome his anger and hatred of you and I would not blame him for that, then the best thing for you would be to walk away and let him lead the rest of his life away from the toxic thoughts that your presence engenders within him.

 

The second part of what I want to say is that you must introspect very deeply as to why you cheated on your husband. You will have to examine every aspect of your life with him. Do you really love him? If you did you would not cheat on him because by doing that you have disrespected him and betrayed his trust in the worst possible way. You have also hurt him deeply, although you may say that what he doesn't know will not hurt him. Trust me, at a deep level your husband knows that you have betrayed him because one cannot live with another human being for as long as you two have done and not know at a subconscious level what is going on with the other person. So I ask you again ' Do you love him'? If the answer that you get from your subconscious is that you do not love him then make this as painless for him and your self as possible and proceed to divorce him immediately. You cannot continue to live a lie. You also need to search within yourself as to whether you suffer from feelings of insecurity, lack of self esteem, a need for validation of yourself as a woman or any other factor that you think made you weak.

 

I think I have given you enough food for thought so will wish you the best of luck.

[leonine]

Rtp, I have been where you are. I am a former WW (you can find my thread if you want to read my story) who gave my BH the truth. You have to decide what sort of marriage you want to have and what sort of life you want to live. It was a tough decision to make to tell, but ultimately I wanted to be on even ground with my partner in life and I wanted to live an authentic life. These things were incompatible with me continuing to hide my affair from my husband. I respected him enough to tell him the truth and loved him enough to let him go if he decided that I wasn't what he wanted anymore. He's an adult, he should be able to make his own decisions.

 

It was scary and d-day was easily the worst day of my life, but I don't regret my decision. It has been hard and painful, but in many ways we're better now than we ever have been. Even if he changes his mind one day and leaves, I still won't regret it - I couldn't imagine living with this secret for the rest of my days.

 

I do have some concerns for you given his violent past, but you say that he's reformed so I'll take you at your word. Take a day or two to get things in order - send the kids somewhere for a couple days, write down your passwords for him, etc. - sit him down and tell him the truth. It's so much better to hear it from you than to discover it or hear about it from someone else.

 

Good luck.

[2sunny]

Ok...I hear what you all are saying about telling him. I am not at that place right now. Thanks to you all though, I am at the place where I am internally processing my personal defects that allowed me to make a mistake of this magnitude. That is why I mentioned my mother's role, NOT to blame her for my choices, as I stated before. I believe it is important to understand the origins of our bad "programming" then move on to writing a new program.

 

Right now that consists of catching every thought of the OM when it comes into my head and changing it to appear as what it really is...my selfishness and dishonesty with myself and my whole world. I need to train myself to see the bad as bad. It is working I can tell because the connection to this false hope of happiness is severing and my connection to my H and kids is getting better and stronger than it was.

 

I hear the words of all of you caring, honest people when I'm doing this process, many times throughout the day. I hate the feeling of being bad and thought of in a bad way by all of you and it helps me to have a conscience, which apparently was quite weak before. Thank you for being my conscience trainer.

 

This morning my 13 yr old daughter said she thought the idea of "chicken soup for the soul" was silly and asked if I agreed. I said no because a person's soul CAN get sick. I know this all too well. I am trying to heal my soul for the sake of everyone in this house.

 

Yes, I am afraid he will find out. At the same time, I do wish it was out in the open. I just don't think he would forgive me, ever. In the meantime, he's kind of stuck with me because I take care of his whole entire life, kids, business, house...everything he has would be gone without me and he would not choose that. So instead, he would punish me all day every day. I know some of you would say "GOOD you deserve it!" and I do, it's true. But my sense of self-preservation is preventing me from doing that right now. I want to be stronger so I don't just run (like to the OM) when the punishment starts.

 

It's Day 3 of NC. It's a little bit easier everyday. I know it's right and that's getting more clear every minute.

 

 

It's still all about you - and all about how YOU feel!

 

You don't love your H - since you don't consider how HE must feel! How YOU have lied - and continue to lie!

 

Stop being so selfish and self centered! You have NO way to have a healthy marriage with your lies and selfishness!

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes, I am afraid he will find out. At the same time, I do wish it was out in the open. I just don't think he would forgive me, ever. In the meantime, he's kind of stuck with me because I take care of his whole entire life, kids, business, house...everything he has would be gone without me and he would not choose that. So instead, he would punish me all day every day. I know some of you would say "GOOD you deserve it!" and I do, it's true. But my sense of self-preservation is preventing me from doing that right now. I want to be stronger so I don't just run (like to the OM) when the punishment starts.

rtp4ps, if the roles were reversed and he was the one carrying this big secret, what would you want him to do? Flip the whole thing 180 degrees, he's had the affair and you're the one suspecting but not knowing - what course of action would you want him to take ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[samsungxoxo]

I know this might sound mean but to be honest, if the OP's husband was emotionally, verbally and physically abusive in the past then he deserves it (he doesn't deserve to have an honest, loyal woman). Sorry but I don't have any sympathy for that man. I hate abusers.

 

But yeah why stay married with a horrible man? Doesn't matter if it was in the past, if the OP had been living in fear for years what type of marriage is that??

 

What OP should be now concern is what should she do if her husband finds out about it (knowing he was violent in the past)? If OP chooses to tell them, then it might be a good idea for it to happen in a secure place with a counselor or over the phone, then get away from him until he is calmed.

 

Lastly, if OP supposely has forgiven him for the past abuse then the husband should forgive her for the cheating. Hey he has nothing to complain about. You reap what you sow (he made that woman live in fear for years and now that's karma for him).

Edited March 30, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[2sunny]

I know this might sound mean but to be honest, if the OP's husband was emotionally, verbally and physically abusive in the past then he deserves it (he doesn't deserve to have an honest, loyal woman). Sorry but I don't have any sympathy for that man. I hate abusers.

 

But yeah why stay married with a horrible man? Doesn't matter if it was in the past, if the OP had been living in fear for years what type of marriage is that??

 

What OP should be now concern is what should she do if her husband finds out about it (knowing he was violent in the past)? If OP chooses to tell them, then it might be a good idea for it to happen in a secure place with a counselor or over the phone, then get away from him until he is calmed.

 

Lastly, if OP supposely has forgiven him for the past abuse then the husband should forgive her for the cheating. Hey he has nothing to complain about. You reap what you sow (he made that woman live in fear for years and now that's karma for him).

 

He did the work to change his abusive ways.

 

And she rewarded his hard work by cheating AFTER he did his part to change.

 

She uses his old behavior to justify her bad behavior.

 

If she wanted to have an affair - she should have divorced him first!

[samsungxoxo]

He did the work to change his abusive ways.

 

And she rewarded his hard work by cheating AFTER he did his part to change.

 

She uses his old behavior to justify her bad behavior.

 

If she wanted to have an affair - she should have divorced him first!

I agreed she should have divorced him esp on the very first day he became abusive but that's doesn't change the fact that he still made her live in fear for years, still said mean things and hit the woman he claimed to love and protect.

 

In addition, the OP stated in her thread that her husband can still at times lose his temper. Even if he's just verbal (and apparently stopped the hitting) this means he's still the mean and cruel husband or part of his mean ways stayed with him.

 

I know two wrongs don't make a right but if the husband is more understandable as the OP claims, then he would know where is this all coming from and that he shared some blame into what led to her cheating. You can't just treat a person like garbage and make them fear you for years but expect to be completely forgiven as if nothing happened without any type of retaliation in return just because you've ''fixed yourself'' (it still doesn't erase what you did and I'm sure the OP has flashbacks about it).

Edited March 30, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[Darth Vader]

Wow...that was a lot of information...most the same and some different. I realize that I do not know myself very well. I have been trying to understand what makes me capable of the kind of denial it has taken to do what I did. I am going to continue trying to unravel that as part of this process. What else am I going to do now? Well your comments have not fallen on deaf ears. I know I need to hear all of that. I can't afford a counselor right now...maybe I can check in here daily (instead of checking the maybe once a day check in email with the OM) YES I am cutting off all contact with him. I will be putting all my effort into finding myself and loving my family. I will find activities I enjoy and pursue them. My youngest child has gone to school this year and there is more time for me to pay attention to myself and my husband.

 

I need to come up with a really good strategy for when I'm at my breaking point and really want to contact the OM, as I have really tried in the past to break off all contact and was unsuccessful.

 

Just so you know, I think you'd all be surprised to see that I am a really good mom. My kids are happy, super smart, know their loved, and doing great.

 

I'm also not a terrible wife and my H is not a terrible husband. Maybe (in my broken 1/2 of mind) I thought I deserved that because of the years of pain and fear I suffered with him. Why did I marry him someone asked, well, he is quite amazing and not all bad, as most people are not. He is successful, sweet and loving, interesting, intelligent and a great husband and father. I can say this now since the abuse is in the past but he always had that side to him. I used to tell him he was a Jekyl and Hyde because it was 2 totally different people. That isn't the case anymore, thankfully.

 

Does anyone know what is broken inside a cheater? Because I would really like to get right to work on that horrible part of me. Honestly, I don't think I even view it as negatively as I should in general. Where the hell did this lack of morality within me come from? What happens to a person to make them lose sight (if they ever had it). Maybe I just never learned it. I would learn it the HARD way if I told my husband.

 

A year ago, I said something that made him think I was having an affair. It was horrible. We essentially went through all the stuff that happens when a husband finds out. I denied it, for weeks, and tried to comfort him everytime he needed it. That was when I was so scared I decided to end it for good with the OM. Since then, I haven't seen the OM but as you know, continue to text/email, which I'm going to stop doing.

 

That's a lot of info...plenty of ammo for you to use on me Thanks so much for being here. You're all I have. Not talking to anyone about this craziness for 3 years is really taking its toll.

 

 

Then you need to tell your Husband the TRUTH about you having your affair and stop making him live a LIE! His life is a LIE and you're forcing him to live a LIE! You may be surprised to find out he may already know about you Riding your OM!

 

Affairs are found out, even years later!

[Darth Vader]

He did the work to change his abusive ways.

 

And she rewarded his hard work by cheating AFTER he did his part to change.

 

She uses his old behavior to justify her bad behavior.

 

If she wanted to have an affair - she should have divorced him first!

 

 

I agree Wholeheartedly! I think it was out of revenge on some level!

[wifehurtheart]

I think you need to start by trying to be totally honest with yourself, and I don't believe you've done that yet. You say that you love both of them.....O.K., but you can't BE with both of them, and it's wrong for you to stay with your husband but still feel this "deep connection" with the OM. You don't want to break up your home, but do you want to spend the rest of your years on this planet in emotional agony as a result of deceiving your husband and missing OM? Please get some professional help to try to sort your life out. You say you can't afford it, but you also said your husband is "successful", so I have to think you could handle a once-a-week IC session.

Edited March 31, 2013 by wifehurtheart

[jnel921]

Your angry H loved you enough to work out his issue through MC. The issue is that you ran into an old BF and you want to use the old issue to excuse your behavior. Your H has changed for his marriage. You should respect that and him and make it work.

 

You know nothing of this OM. What if he comes with drama and baggage.

 

is that what you want? Your H should be reminding you of why you love sex.

Focus on him!