rtp4ps Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 I really have no one at all to talk to. I am suffering from the guilt and uncertainty of my actions. I had been successfully married for 20 years when I ran into my serious high school boyfriend. The chemistry was all still there. He made me feel like a person who was desired and appreciated, unlike my 3 children and sometimes husband. We had lustful passionate sex and I remembered why I used to really enjoy sex. My husband is a very strong, loving but cruel and punishing man. He had a very rough childhood. We went through 6 years of marriage counseling several years ago. The fact that I went ahead and crossed that line, somehow thinking it was ok, has lead me to hours of painful deliberation about myself. Today in the bathtub, I came to the conclusion that because of my own family of origin falling apart when I was 15 years old and had 3 younger siblings, I guess I just don't trust love, or people, with my feelings. My husband was abusive to me, physically, verbally and emotionally many years ago but I was strong enough and his love for me and for what is right, was strong enough, that we have moved past that (I think, he still looses his temper at times but is more reasonable and not hurtful). It's complicated, this whole hot mess of a life I have. But it's good. We are Christians, have 3 beautiful children, a great house with a little land, a business that is more than difficult and feast or famine. But I've hung in there through all the hard times. I work for him and the business, manage the children and their activities. I just needed more. I was losing me. My happiness not an issue for anyone. I'm so remorseful and terrified about what would happen if he knew. He would hate me. I would destroy these children and I just can't let that happen. The OM would love to have me as his own. we still text and email but I have managed to stay away from him physically for a year now. I love them both. How is that possible? It's true. I can't seem to live without either one of them and I hate myself for ever crossing that line. Does anyone have anything to share that might help? I punish and ridicule myself more than enough so please try to refrain from the tough love mean stuff. Thanks everyone.
Spark1111 Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 I think you need to assess what needs your AP is filling that your angry H is not. who did you marry? Which parent? I think you need IC to figure out what your needs are and how best to express them and how to have your H fill them. you know your old high school BF is a fantasy, right? everyone can be 16 again, feel you ng and sexual and then go back to their real lives? Only you can fix this, whether in yourself or in your marriage. if you cannot, you owe your H the truth and you need to walk away. he too deserves someone to love and ravish and appreciate him for him. In the meantime, NO CONTACT with the xBF. How can someone compete with a fantasy? they can't. 5
nofool4u Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 wow, this woman even bags on her own children as not making her feel loved and appreciated. I guess the question is, is it everyone else who has a problem? 9
TiredFamilyGuy Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 (edited) OP, credit to you for posting this problem. It is indeed a problem and can be solved. After thought you will understand that resolution involves you going no contact with your lover, no buts or half measures. No waiting for the right moment or havering. Do it now. There is a reason for this : you are investing emotional energy, romance and thought outside your marriage and the contact keeps it going. You should consider telling your H. No way, you may think, but even raising the idea may make you realise that keeping in contact with your old flame is really really stupid. Firstly, you are living a lie. Second, you may get caught - and what then, the family part of your life will come crashing down and I frankly doubt the ability of the affair to live up to the fantasy you so evidently have constructed. You may think this won't happen, but an inability to forsee consequences practically defines the cheating mindset so I wouldn't rely on that. Thirdly, your husband deserves to make decisions based on truth not on what you have served up to him. You need to be all in to the marriage, or get out: if this is an "exit affair" with that end in mind, press the button and nuke your marriage. I wish you well, I wish you the clarity of mind to see what to do and the strength of will to carry it out. Don't make excuses, now, do what needs to be done. Nothing will resolve if you keep this secret lie alive. Edited March 28, 2013 by TiredFamilyGuy 2
Jonah Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 So what? You are living a life. If you don't like the way it makes you feel, stop doing it and move on. If you like it just be careful about it or better yet get divorced so you can go live your life. You should be more concerned about living with a jerk than having the affair. The affair is just a symptom of a much bigger problem. Don't waste your life darlin'. Make yourself happy.
Author rtp4ps Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 I've been reading everyone's posts and trying to process it. It helped a lot to get it out of the pinball game inside my mind. No the OM is not married. This August it will be 3 years since this started, but like I said, this past year we never saw eachother and didn't have much contact. Before that, there were large spans of time I stayed away from him. I've been trying to end it since it started. I guess I'm getting better at it! It's more than fantasy and wanting to be 16. There is a deep connection between us. I want to be completely done with him but when I am, I ache inside and it starts taking up my thinking. I wont leave my husband and ruin this family. I am just having such a hard time getting him and our connection out of my mind. Thanks to all of you for your input and any more is appreciated.
TiredFamilyGuy Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 (edited) So what? You are living a life. If you don't like the way it makes you feel, stop doing it and move on. If you like it just be careful about it or better yet get divorced so you can go live your life. You should be more concerned about living with a jerk than having the affair. The affair is just a symptom of a much bigger problem. Don't waste your life darlin'. Make yourself happy. The part that equates to "be true to yourself" is fair. By "being true" however, you should exclude anything that includes deceit or a double life. The affair is a sympton of other things, that is also fair, but those things aren't going to be fixed while it's going on. End it - now. If on the other hand the poster meant "Just do as you like" then that's just dumb. Edited March 28, 2013 by TiredFamilyGuy 1
Spark1111 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Ok...so how much time do you invest, how much emotionally do you invest in the OM? Time wise?During the course of your PA EA affair? Romance, fun, being exciting, sharing emotions? How much time....let's say, weekly, do you invest in the OM?
seibert253 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 You can't serve two masters. You cannot work on making a better M while having any contact with the OM. You need to choose. It's not fair to your H, the OM, or you. Why do you seem lost and confused, the OM is still around. There's one sure fire way to start your healing; 1. End ALL contact with the OM. 2. Be honest with H and confess what you've done. There cannot be true healing without honesty.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 We are Christians, have 3 beautiful children, a great house with a little land By my count, you've laid at least half the 10 Commandments to waste in your opening post. As others have noted, you've made every part of this about you. Your happiness, your needs, what you might lose, how you husband would see you, your lustful sex, you're terrified, you've hung in there... you, you, you... I always thought there were two people in a marriage.... Mr. Lucky 2
2sunny Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Please delve deeper into what your foo can provide for you - it isn't about providing excuses for bad behavior. It serves as a learning tool for why we do/ think the way we do. And what we ARE capable of changing. Get counseling. Your making excuses and rewriting your M history... And if you can't provide your H your honesty - there's no basis for your M! Christian or not - your behavior doesn't act like decency and love, honor and respect. Things within you are broken - get help to fix what's broken... Otherwise your H is just being offered a very broken wife who cheats and lies. 2
2sunny Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 By my count, you've laid at least half the 10 Commandments to waste in your opening post. As others have noted, you've made every part of this about you. Your happiness, your needs, what you might lose, how you husband would see you, your lustful sex, you're terrified, you've hung in there... you, you, you... I always thought there were two people in a marriage.... Mr. Lucky But apparently she's added the third participant to her M.
whichwayisup Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 I've been reading everyone's posts and trying to process it. It helped a lot to get it out of the pinball game inside my mind. No the OM is not married. This August it will be 3 years since this started, but like I said, this past year we never saw eachother and didn't have much contact. Before that, there were large spans of time I stayed away from him. I've been trying to end it since it started. I guess I'm getting better at it! It's more than fantasy and wanting to be 16. There is a deep connection between us. I want to be completely done with him but when I am, I ache inside and it starts taking up my thinking. I wont leave my husband and ruin this family. I am just having such a hard time getting him and our connection out of my mind. Thanks to all of you for your input and any more is appreciated. What are you doing to help yourself get over OM and what you feel for him? Not sure how possible that is if you are still in contact with him and keeping the connection alive.. When you two text/email, what do you share? Is it still an EA albeit online, or more once in a while you check in and say hi or do you have intimate chats, personal conversations with him? Don't be afraid of the pain! Yeah it'll hurt, probably a lot! But, once you detach and cut him out of your life, focus on other things in your life, (husband, kids, work, hobbies, women friends) and you keep really busy, you will just detach over time. Do you allow yourself to 'think and fantasize' about him? If you do, stop! It serves no purpose, especially if you are trying to end it. You can do this! you don't want to lose your kids, your husband, the life you know, all because some OM made you feel wanted and desired again. DO go talk to someone, a therapist to help get strong so you can end it. 1
Just a Guy Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 I don't get it. If you say that you had such a strong bond with this OM when you were in High School why did you not marry him? Why and how did you marry your husband if he was such a terrible person? A leopard does not change his spots over night and I am sure that your husband, when he was younger, would have displayed the same traits that he did while being married to you. If he did then you should have been forewarned. A marriage is like a coin. The two faces represent the husband and wife but the marriage itself is one integral unit. The moment some one else enters the marriage it loses it's integrity. It is as if it has been cut in two along it's circumference and there two halves now. The two halves may be put together again and stuck with super glue and so outwardly the coin or the marriage will appear to be an integral unit but it is not. The moment there is any kind of pressure on it, it will split in to two again and will for ever remain fractured. Your marriage is like that. It will never regain it's integrity and the way you are going about it by not being honest about it, up front with your husband, is like keeping the two parts separate and not even attempting to apply superglue to it. In such a case I do not think it will last very long. Your husband will guess that something is not right about the marriage may be because of your behaviour or some other factor and then everything will come collapsing down around you. When you do something like this you have to have the courage to face up to the consequences of it. You cannot keep hiding behind some false front hoping everything will work out alright. Think about it.
dichotomy Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 (edited) Well maybe you can find a way to define yourself beyond your husband, your kids, and your lover. In other words, if your not a wife,and employee at your husbands company, a mom, and a play thing for another man. I heard nothing else about you but defining yourself by others and how they feel about you. What I mean is let say all those people vanished tomorrow.... poof!.... who are you? Perhaps you could take some time to think about this and focus on developing yourself and your own happiness and passion in life. You say you are a Christian - so maybe start as a loved child of God, and move on from there and by the way - this is not necessarily a fantasy. Your kids will leave someday (and all kids are self centered anyway), and your husband may someday as well (die before you or find out and leave you), and lovers come and go. Edited March 28, 2013 by dichotomy
road Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 we still text and email but I have managed to stay away from him physically for a year now. I love them both. How is that possible? It's true. I can't seem to live without either one of them and I hate myself for ever crossing that line. Does anyone have anything to share that might help? I punish and ridicule myself more than enough so please try to refrain from the tough love mean stuff. Thanks everyone. Will will never get over your OM until you have total NC witht the OM. Any form of electronic communication is breaking NC.
nofool4u Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 (edited) .....never mind, not worth it. Edited March 28, 2013 by nofool4u
nofool4u Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 I am just having such a hard time getting him and our connection out of my mind. Thanks to all of you for your input and any more is appreciated. Ok, then maybe you can look at it like this. What kind of man F's another man's wife? Is that the kind of man you think is just hot stuff? A man that does that can't be trusted any more than the cheater themselves. So maybe if you look at it like that, you'll want to lose that connection with such a man.
nofool4u Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Will will never get over your OM until you have total NC witht the OM. Any form of electronic communication is breaking NC. Exactly. Break it all, change email addresses, block him on calling and texting. EVERYTHING. If you aren't willing to do that, then get a divorce.
Steadfast Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 I love them both. How is that possible? It's true. I can't seem to live without either one of them and I hate myself for ever crossing that line. I suspect that you love neither of them, but love parts of what they add to your life. Please explain how you can love a husband that is abusive, mean and cruel? Please explain how this husband can be a 'Christian'? While you're asking, ask yourself what kind of man sleeps with another man's wife. Fact: your life is filled with betrayal and confusion. Unravel it until you get to the part where you were not confused. 1
Act Two Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 I wont leave my husband and ruin this family. If this is your intention, then you need to follow all of the advice posted here. No contact with this OM, and no contact for life. Block all numbers/email addresses/facebook and stick to that. If you have no intention of leaving your marriage then you are being cruel to your husband AND to the OM. Let him live his life and find someone free to love him. Then, do right by your husband and tell him what you did so that he knows what he is dealing with. Then you can begin to heal. As others have said, recovering from infidelity is easier when you confess rather than having it discovered. This will also help you to be accountable in not having contact with the OM. 1
Author rtp4ps Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 Wow...that was a lot of information...most the same and some different. I realize that I do not know myself very well. I have been trying to understand what makes me capable of the kind of denial it has taken to do what I did. I am going to continue trying to unravel that as part of this process. What else am I going to do now? Well your comments have not fallen on deaf ears. I know I need to hear all of that. I can't afford a counselor right now...maybe I can check in here daily (instead of checking the maybe once a day check in email with the OM) YES I am cutting off all contact with him. I will be putting all my effort into finding myself and loving my family. I will find activities I enjoy and pursue them. My youngest child has gone to school this year and there is more time for me to pay attention to myself and my husband. I need to come up with a really good strategy for when I'm at my breaking point and really want to contact the OM, as I have really tried in the past to break off all contact and was unsuccessful. Just so you know, I think you'd all be surprised to see that I am a really good mom. My kids are happy, super smart, know their loved, and doing great. I'm also not a terrible wife and my H is not a terrible husband. Maybe (in my broken 1/2 of mind) I thought I deserved that because of the years of pain and fear I suffered with him. Why did I marry him someone asked, well, he is quite amazing and not all bad, as most people are not. He is successful, sweet and loving, interesting, intelligent and a great husband and father. I can say this now since the abuse is in the past but he always had that side to him. I used to tell him he was a Jekyl and Hyde because it was 2 totally different people. That isn't the case anymore, thankfully. Does anyone know what is broken inside a cheater? Because I would really like to get right to work on that horrible part of me. Honestly, I don't think I even view it as negatively as I should in general. Where the hell did this lack of morality within me come from? What happens to a person to make them lose sight (if they ever had it). Maybe I just never learned it. I would learn it the HARD way if I told my husband. A year ago, I said something that made him think I was having an affair. It was horrible. We essentially went through all the stuff that happens when a husband finds out. I denied it, for weeks, and tried to comfort him everytime he needed it. That was when I was so scared I decided to end it for good with the OM. Since then, I haven't seen the OM but as you know, continue to text/email, which I'm going to stop doing. That's a lot of info...plenty of ammo for you to use on me Thanks so much for being here. You're all I have. Not talking to anyone about this craziness for 3 years is really taking its toll.
Act Two Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 I came across a good quote today: "No matter how long we've traveled on the wrong road...we can always turn around."
2sunny Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 No contact of any kind is a good place to start. Ask yourself what are you missing in your M that made you consider cheating - and pursued what you admit was wrong? Then tell your H exactly what it is that you two can work on /towards. How can he know if you don't tell him what you need? Tell him what works for you and what doesn't. Be honest with him! What's broken? Your soul - your moral compass - your self respect - your disregard for your H, M and family. Work on those things. Broken is your ability to be an onset person - to DO what's right - to consider other people's feelings - to understand your actions affect others! He's worked t changing for the better - now it's your turn! What do you plan to DO to change the things I've listed? Being selfish and self centered will get you right back to your active affair. You must stop thinking of your own selfish needs...unless you plan to divorce. 3
Mr. Lucky Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 You are doing good girl!! You have the will power. To do what ??? As she mentioned, even the threat of exposure and the experience of going through "all the stuff that happens when a husband finds out" hasn't been enough to cut off contact with the OM. rtp4ps, you should come back here and read this thread every day, with special attention to the most venomous and cutting responses. They are but a fraction of the anger and hurt you're risking from your husband... Mr. Lucky 1
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